HPAVC/HPAVC CD-ROM.iso/DJOKES.ZIP/JOKES

Internet Message Format | 1994-05-12 | 591KB

From aus.jokes Thu May 12 08:40:39 1994
Path: werple.apana.org.au!yarrina.connect.com.au!harbinger.cc.monash.edu.au!merlin!mel.dit.csiro.au!etrog.se.citri.EDU.AU!jaguar.catt.citri.edu.au!jck
From: [e-mail] (Justin Kibell)
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
Subject: Dirty Jokes II - [1 of 5]
Date: 4 May 1994 00:33:02 GMT
Organization: CATT Centre at CITRI
Lines: 2994
Sender: jck@jaguar (Justin Kibell)
Distribution: world
Message-ID: <2q6qfu$[e-mail]>
NNTP-Posting-Host: jaguar.catt.citri.edu.au
Keywords:
          ____  _      __               __      __                ________
         / __ \(_)____/ /___  __       / /___  / /_____  _____   /  _/  _/
        / / / / / ___/ __/ / / /  __  / / __ \/ //_/ _ \/ ___/   / / / /
       / /_/ / / /  / /_/ /_/ /  / /_/ / /_/ / ,< /  __(__  )  _/ /_/ /
      /_____/_/_/   \__/\__, /   \____/\____/_/|_|\___/____/  /___/___/
                       /____/

         Compiled by Justin Kibell <[e-mail]> 2nd May 1994

NOTE: These jokes have been collected during 1993 and 1994. The content of the
      jokes is rather crude at times. There are racist, sexist, disgusting and
      downright disgraceful jokes in this compendium so you have been WARNED!

      These jokes have been collected from alt.tasteless.jokes and are the
      work of many authors from different countries. Please excuse any spell-
      ing mistakes or gramatical errors. Sorry for any plagerization!

      I will be continuing to update and revise these jokes. Some sections
      contain other small/large compilations such as the blond jokes which
      are maintained by others. I thank them for their work. ;-)

001 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two lesbians and two gay men are at the same house in Florida, and they
both plan to leave for New York at the same time. Who gets there first?
The lesbians. They do 69 all the way there, but the guys are still back in
Florida packing their shit.....

002 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The prospective donor goes into the sperm bank.  The attendant hands him a
specimen jar, escorts him to a private room and shuts the door.  After
a reasonable length of time, the donor has not emerged from the room.

The attendant knocks on the door and inquires, "Is everything okay?"

The donor replies, "Well, actually, no."

He opens the door and explains, "I've twisted it, I've turned it.  I pushed
it, I pulled it. I even knocked it up against the side of the sink and ran
 hot water over it.......and I still can't get the lid off the fuckin'
specimen jar!"

003 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A faggot had just learned that his lover had died, and he went to
the hospital to say a last farewell.
As the doctor followed him to where they kept the corpse, the faggot
said:
- Could I please take him home with me?
- Why do you want to do that?"
- I want to cook him and eat him afterwards.
- That's disgusting, what on earth do you want to do that for!?
- I want to feel him glide out of me one last time...

004 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What was Kunta Kinte's prostitute sister's name?
A: Rent a Kunta

Q: What's the difference between a job and a wife?
A: After 20 years a job still sucks.

Q: Why was the black kid crying while he was having diarreah?
A: He thought he was melting?

Q: Why won't mothers let their black kids play in the sand box?
A: Because cats try to burry them.

Q: Why should you wrap electrical tape around hamsters?
A: So they don't blow up when you fuck them.

005 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy goes into a bar looking to get laid.  He propositions the ladies one by
one, but with no success.  Eventually, he notices an older woman, in her late
50's, giving him the eye.  Well, it's getting late, and he's had a few, so he
figures "what the hell."  He takes the woman home, tears off her shirt, and
starts sucking one of her tits.  He's pleasantly surprised when a burst of
warm fluid enters his mouth.  The man smiles, looks up at the woman and says:
"Wow, Baby.  I thought you'd be a little too old to lactate."
She winks at him and says: "Sugar, I may be a little too old to lactate, but
I'm certainly not too young to have cancer."

006 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Confucious say: Man with hand in pocket not always jingling change

007 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Six people were on a plane. A doctor, a lawyer a priest and 3 children.
The pilot comes on the radio and says the plane is going to crash,but
there are 3 parachutes.

The doctor yells out, " Save the children"  The lawyer yells out

"FUCK THE CHILDREN!"

The priest yells out " IS THERE TIME?"

008 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was this man who went to Las Vagas to win some fortune.
He enters a real cool casino and sees that everyone present in
the casino is depressed and they r all gathered around in a
circle. When he goes and checks out what's happenein, he comes
to know that the owner of the casino has offered $ 1 Millions
to the person who can make his horse laugh. This guys goes to
the owner and says not a problem :) and goes up to the horse
whispers something in the ears, and just then the horse crack
up, the horse laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs! Every-
body present there gets surprised and this guy takes $ 1 Million
and goes back.......

Around some 7 years later, this guy, a rich person now, goes to
the same night club again and sees that the same thing is
happeni again and this time $ 1 billions is offered to anyone
who can make the hose sad and weep. He says again, not a problem
goes to the horse and does somethin and the horse starts to weep
and cry and cry and is really depressed. He takes the $ 1 billion.
The owner this time says, sir, u have got yer money but now please
tell me what have u been doin to the horse??

He says the first time i went to the horse and said that my dick
is bigger than yours and the horse cracked up, i took my money,
and walked away, today i went and showed him my dick!!

009 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why was the wheelbarrow invented in Africa?
A: So Blacks could learn to walk on two legs.

Q:  Did you hear why the fag put his arse in the refrigerator?
A:  So that he's mate would have something cool to slip into when he came home.

010 -------------------------------------------------------------------------

These two whales, we'll call them Mamma and son, were swimming in the wild
blue yonda when Mamma saw a boat, she said to son " Son you keep your
distance from them boats." For it was a harpoon boat, but just as they
were turning around, BANG! THUD, the harpoo went right into the side of Mamma
Down she went screaming out swim son save yourselffffffffff......

Several months later son and his girlfriend were fornicating around, when off
in the distance they spotted the very same harpoon boat. Thinking of his
mother, son sort for a plan to get his revenge. Son said to his girlfriend
"Girlfriend if we swim up behind them we can blow water up on to the boat and
sink it." She agreed and off they went, BLOW SPURT BLOW SPURT. And down it
went, then son came up with another idea, "Look at the sailors the're
swimming away, we can really get them back for Mamma's death, Let's eat
them up" but the girfriend replied "Hey I helped you with the blow job,
but I'm stuffed if I'm gonna swallow the seamen".

011 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q.  What do you do when the dishwasher quits working?
A.  Slap her.

012 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

  A man walks into a whorehouse late one night.  He wants to get a
good-looking whore, but they're all occupied right now.  He ends up
with the most God-awful-looking, old, saggy bitch, and he was so
disgusted, all he could do was shit in her face.
  To his surprise, he enjoyed this a lot.  This became a nightly
affair for him, as he would ask for the old whore and shit in her
face.
  Unfortunately, after a couple weeks, the thrill wore off, so the
next time he went in, he asked for a pretty girl and fucked her.
  As he was leaving, the old whore ran up to him, fell at his feet
and said, "What's the matter, don't you love me anymore?"

013 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was this guy who was having trouble eating so he went to his doctor...he
was told to go home and eat everything through his backside for a week..so he
went home and did just that....a week later he went bk to the doctor for a
checkup and as he walked into the room he was wiggling his arse...the doc took
one look at him and said..."Oh George...i didn't realise there would be these
terrible side effects!"  "What side effects? I'm chewing a mintie!"

014 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This big mean looking american negro walks into a (predominatly
white) bar and looks around as if he wants to make a bit of
trouble. He walks up to the first guy drinking at
the bar and says "I'm big, I'm black and I like to
f*ck white women." The guy gets all scared and runs
off. He walks up to the second guy at the bar and says
"I'm big, I'm black and I like to f*ck white women".
Again, the guy sees that he is outgunned and hits the
highway. The negro walks up to the third guy at the bar
and again says "I'm big, I'm black and I like to f*ck
white women." The guy at the bar looks at him and
says "I don't blame you, I wouldn't f*ck a nigger either."

015 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There is this fat guy who weighs about 600 pounds, and no diet seems to work.
So he goes to his friend who owns a whore house, and tells him that he'll do
anything to lose weight. His friend tells him for 50 dollars, he can lose 100
lbs. The fat guy goes for it. His friend leads him into a room with a gorgeous
brunette, and she says "If you catch me you can fuck me". So he runs and runs   for hours, and loses just over 100 lbs. He is so excited he goes back a couple  days later (as soon as he could)

The second time he goes into a room with a chesty blonde, with an ass to die
for. This time he loses about 150 lbs. The fat guy is all excited since he
only ways about 350 pounds, and goes back again. This time he tells his friend  that he'll do anything to lose 200 pounds and be skinny. So his friend charges  him a thousand dollars, and leads him to a new room. This time Mike Tyson is
in the room and he says "If I catch you, I'M GONNA FUCK YOU!"

016 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a couple that checked in a motel and asked for the honey moon suite.
The manager gave them the best room in motel. Just as the sun set,
the groom was leaving the lobby with all of his fishing tackle. He didn't return
until the next morning. The manager thought that this was quite strange, but he
thought that it was just first night jitters. The second night, the groom was
leaving as the sun set with all of his tackle again, and didn't return until
sunrise. The manager thought this was quite strange, seeing that it was their
honeymoon, and decided that if he saw the groom going fishing that night again,
that he would have a talk with him. Well, as the sun was going down, the groom was
going through the lobby with all of his fishing tackle again, and the manager
stopped to talk with him. "Sir, excuse me, I don't want to seem rude, but I was
curious" The groom was a little hesitant, but stopped for the manager. "Yes, what
is it". "I've noticed that you checked into the honeymoon suite, but you have
gone fishing every night that you and your bride have been here, may I ask why?"
Well, the groom was taken back abit, but said "My wife has syphilis." The man-
ager felt bad for asking, but said "You know, there is allways oral sex." The
groom replied "My wife just got a tooth pulled, and we can't do that either".
The manager was feeling like shit now, but had to try to solve this guys pro-
blem. "Sir, you know there is allways anal sex". The groom looked at the man-
ager and started to cry. "My wife also has the shits right now." The manager had
had enough. "Sir, I hate to be rude, but if your wife has all these problems,
why did you marry her?" To that the groom responded "My wife also has a tape
worm, and it's the best damn bass bait I've had in along time."

017 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    It's the first day in school, and all the 6-year old kids are
nervous, crying, and staring at the teacher. The teacher decides it's time
for a little word-game, just to get the group going.
    Teacher: "Ok, who can come up with a word that has been said at home
yesterday?"
    Obviously, no kid raises their finger, because everyone is too
nervous and embarrassed. Only little Johnnie, sitting way back in the
classroom, raises his finger.
    Teacher: "Well Johnnie?"
    Johnnie: "Hotdamn."
    Teacher: "Uh.. hmmm.. well.. How did you get by that word?"
    Johnnie: "Well ma'am, yesterday me and me dad was watchin' TV, and
me dad sez, `Hotdamn, I'm outta beer!'".
    Teacher: "Hmm.. uhh.. well Johnnie, that's not such a nice word now,
is it. But who can come up with another word?"
    Obviously, again, no one dares to raise their finger. After a minute
or so, one lonely hand is raised in the air, again Johnnies. The teacher,
now more apprehensive, asks Johnnie to say the word again.
    Johnnie: "Piss."
    Teacher: "Hmmm.. uhh.. well Johnnie, how did you come up with that
one?"
    Johnnie: "Well ma'am, yesterday me and me dad was watchin' TV, and
me dad sez, `Hotdamn, I'm outta beer!' So me dad sez, `C'mon son, let's run
down to the 7-11 to get some more piss!'"
    Teacher: "Well now Johnnie, that again is not a very nice word. I
think we'll have to brush up your vocabulary a bit in this period. Well
children, who can come up with yet another word?"
    Of course, no one still raises their finger, only -- again -- little
Johnnie. The teacher doesn't really have an alternative than to let Johnnie
say his word again.
    Johnnie: "Contagious."
    Teacher: "Well now Johnnie, that is a really fine word. How did you
get by that word?"
    Johnnie: "Well ma'am, yesterday me and me dad was watchin' TV, and
me dad sez, `Hotdamn, I'm outta beer!' So me dad sez, `C'mon son, let's run
down to the 7-11 to get some more piss!' So as we left, me mom sez, `While
y'all gone, I think I'm gonna vacuum the livin' room...' So we go to that
7-11, buy the piss, and head home, and when we get home, me mom is still
vacuuin' that room.. So me dad sez, `Jesus.. it's takin' that
contagious...'"

018 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was this old, old rooster on this farm. The rooster couldn't fuck
all the chickens anymore, so the farmer bought this new, young rooster.
The old one walked up to the young one and said: 'Let me have my favourite
chicken, please?' But the young rooster didn't agree.
But the old rooster kept on asking and asking and challenged the young
rooster: 100 m run, old rooster ten metres ahead (this rooster was very
old).
The young rooster agreed and the next day the race began:
old rooster 10 metres ahead, all chickens were watching.
On your marks .....
Get set .....
GO!

The old rooster ran and ran as fast as he could, but the younger of the
two ran faster...
80 m to go...
70 m to go...
The young rooster came closer and closer.
50 m to go...
...
30 m to go...
The gap : 3 m
20...15...10...
The young one right behind the old one
5 m...
Then the farmer shoots with a big rifle.....BANG!!!
'Damn, this is the fifth gay rooster this week!'

019 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

  Two lesbians were standing at a bar drinking when another girl
waved from across the bar.
  "Who is that chick?" one said to the other.  "I'd sure like to
get her spread out on my sheets."
  "No you wouldn't," said the other.  "She's hung like a doughnut."

020 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A sailor and a marine are taking a piss at a public restroom.  The
marine finishes first and washes his hands.  The sailor just walks to
the exit.  So the marine says to him:  hey, in the army they teach us
to wash our hands after taking a piss.  So the sailor says:  yeah, in the
navy they teach us to not piss on our hands.

021 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

a little boy walks into a public restroom where a marine is taking a
piss.  he says to the marine:  sir, are you a real marine?  yeah,
would you like to wear my hat?  yes, please!  so he puts on the
marine's hat.  a sailor walks in.  the boy says, sir are you a real
sailor?  yeah, would you like to suck my dick?  no, i'm not a real
marine, i'm just wearing his hat!

022 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A mature woman was in the pastoral study counceling for her upcoming fourth
wedding.  "Father," she said, "How am I going to tell my husband that I am
still a virgin?"

"My child, you have been a married woman for many years.  Surely that
cannot be," he replied.

"Well Father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do
was talk.  The next one was in construction and he always said he'd get
to it tomorrow, and the last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look.
But this time, Father, I'm marrying a lawyer, and I'm sure I'm going to get
screwed!"

023 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A duck walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if you can get AIDS
from oral sex.
"Yes," the pharmacist says, "statistically, you are more likely to get AIDS
from oral sex than straight sex.  You should still use a condom."
"OK, I'll take one."
"Will that be cash, check, or charge?"
"Just put it on my bill."

024 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q:  What is black, white, and red and can't get through a revolving door?
A:  A nun with a spear through her head.

025 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is Black and White and runs along the boardwalk making a lot of noise?
A: A Nigger and a seagul fighting over a chicken bone!

026 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a boy who lost his left eye in an accident. I think he shot it
out with a BB gun. His parents were too poor to buy him a glass eye but
found a doctor who could provide a wooden eye that was affordable. The
wood eye looked less than realistic and the boy was very self-conscious
about it and consequently didn't socialize much. The big school dance
was coming up and his friends asked if he planned to attend. He said
"No I don't think so. I would be too embarrassed because of my wooden
eye." They finally reassured him that no one would pay any attention to
his eye and convinced him to go to the dance. At the dance he remained
off to the side afraid to confront any of the girls and ask them to dance.
His friends kept encouraging him but he would say "I don't know what she
would think about my wooden eye." After a while his friends noticed a
girl across the room who was also shyly standing off to the side. Looking
closer they noticed that she wasn't unattractive but did have a serious
hairlip. They went to their friend and said "Look! There is a girl across
the room with a hairlip. She is obviously just as self conscious as you
are and certainly won't be offended by your wooden eye. Go ask her to
dance." After some apprehension he finally worked up his courage and took
the long walk across the dance floor and approached the hairlipped girl.
He said "Would you like to dance with me?" The girl excitedly replied
"Would I? Would I?" The boy immediately screamed back "Hairlip! Hairlip!"

027 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly couple walk into a doctor's office. The man tells the doctor,
"Doctor, we want to have a baby."  The doctor replies,"At your age I don't
think it's possible, but I'll give you a jar, come back in a few days with a
sperm sample."  So the couple comes back a few days later.  They give the
doctor an empty jar.  The doctor says,"I was afraid of this."  The old man
says,"No, it's not what you think.  I tried it with my left hand.  I tried it
with my right hand.  She tried it with her left hand.  She tried it with her
right hand.  She tried it with her teeth in.  She tried it with her teeth out.  But we couldn't get the lid off the jar."

028 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hillary Clinton goes into a hospital to evaluate the new health plan.
She walks by a room and sees a man lying in bed watching a porno and jerking
off.  She goes to the front desk and says to the nurse," You should be ashamed
of yourselves.  I saw a man lying in his room jerking off."  The nurse says,
"He has to do that or he'll die."  Hillary says,"Oh, I guess it's OK then."
She walks to the next room only to see a man lying on his bed while a nurse is
giving him a blow job. She goes back to the front desk and tells the nurse,
"I'll admit the first man has a medical condition, but this is disgusting."
The nurse says,"That man has the same condition as the first man."  Hillary
says,"Oh, but why is he getting a blow job, while the first man is jerking
off?"  The nurse says," Better medical coverage."

029 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This man, being concerned about tha rapings lately, gives his polish wife a
rape whistle "just in case".  The next night she comes home from work. He
askes her "How was your day dear?".
She replies back "Not bad, but you know that whistle you gave me?"
He says "Yeah . . . what about it?"
She then replies "It don't work!!"

030 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your mom is so fat that when her beeper goes off, people think she is backing
up!

031 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a used car dealer, and looks around at the spare parts
counter. The salesman behind the desk says to him: "Can I help you Sir?"
The man looks at the sales rep and says "I'd like a windscreen wiper for
my Lada please."
The salesman replies "I think that's a fair swap..."

032 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's Rodeo Sex?
A: It's where you fuck her doggie style, with a tit in each hand,
   and whisper in her ear: "Your sister likes it this way, too."

033 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's yellow and sleeps alone?
A: Yoko Ono.

Q: Why can't you take a leak at a Beatles concert?
A: There's no John.

Q: What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
A: Three more rounds.

034 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs in front of a window?
A: Curt 'n Rod

035 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Did you hear about the blond opening up her own pizza place?
A: She's calling it "Pizza Slut".

036 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This little boy says to his mother " Mommy, I have to go
and tinkle."  The mother replies back " Would you like Mommy
to take you?". The little boy responds back " No . . . let
grandma . . . her hand shakes! "

037 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two nuns are walking down an alley when two guys jump out of the
dark.  They start raping the nuns and the first nun says,
"Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do!"
And the second one says, "Shut up!  This one does!"

038 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you know that you've got overweight?
A: If you're lying at the beach and people from Greenpeace try pushing you
   back into the sea.

039 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: why do blondes wear black underwear?
A: In remembrance of all the stiffs buried there...

040 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: There's an Australian, a Negro and an Italian all in primary school.
   Which one has the biggest dick?
A: The Italian - cause he is 26 years old!

041 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There is an American, a German, and a Frenchman who stumble upon a pass in
the mountains with a sign on the entrance that says, "Yell the name of the
country you come from and your country will receive whatever echoes back."
So the German goes first, he yells "Deutchland" (translated as Germany) and
the echo returns land land land land.... So the Germans get alot of land.
The Frenchman takes his turn next and yells "Frankrich" (translated as
France) and the echo returns rich rich rich rich.... So the French get
alot of money.  Now it's the Americans turn, he yells "United States" and
the echo returns aids aids aids aids.....

042 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman goes to have a hysterectamy (I'm an art major, not a medical
student), and is worried about the pain and asks "Doctor, is this
going to hurt?"

The doctor responds "It may, but we can numb your vagina."  The woman
agrees.  So, at the operating table, the woman says "Ok, doc, numb my vagina."

The doctor spreads her legs, goes down on her and bellows "Num, Num,
Num, Num!"

043 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you fix your dish washer?
A: Kick her in the ass.

Q: How many niggers does it take to clean a toilet?
A: None, that's women's work!

044 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

  A truck driver pulled over to the side of the road and picked up two
homosexuals who were hitchiking.  They climbed into the cab and the
truck driver pulled the rig back onto the highway.
  A few minutes later, the first fag said.  "Excuse me, but I have to
fart."  He held his breath, then the truck driver heard a low
"Hsssssss."
  A few miles down the road, the second fag announced, "Excuse me, but
I have to fart."  The announcement was followed by another low
"Hsssssss."
  "Jesus Christ!" the truck dirver exclaimed.  "You fairies can't even
fart like men.  Listen to this."  A moment later he emitted a
deafening staccoto machine gun burst from his ass.
  "Ohhh!" one fag exclaimed, turning to the other.  "You know what we
have here, Bruce?  A real virgin!"

045 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

  A woman turned to a man at a singles bar and asked, "Do you prefer
legs with panty hose or bare legs?"
  He smiled and replied, "I prefer something in between."

046 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

  One night a man was getting very drunk in a restaurant.  He staggered
back to take a piss, whipping his dick out as he went in the door.  But
he'd wandered into the ladies' room by mistake, surprising a woman
sitting on the toilet.
  "This is for ladies!" she screamed.  "This is for ladies!"
  The drunk waved his unit at her.  "So's this!" he shouted back.

047 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

  A man got a raise and decided to go out and buy a scope for his
hunting rifle.  He went to a gun shop outside of town and the clerk
fitted a scope to his gun.  "This scope is so good, you can read the
name on the mailbox of my house way up that hill," the clerk said,
pointing out a window.
  The man looked through the scope and a big grin went over his
face.
  "What's so funny?" asked the clerk.
  "I see a naked man and a naked woman through the window."
  "That can't be!" the clerk exclaimed, taking the rifle.  "My wife's
at work."  Looking through the scope he found the man was right.
  Furious, he gave back the rifle and said, "The scope is yours free
if you take these two bullets.  Shoot my wife in the head, and then
shoot off that guy's dick."
  The man, looking through the scope, said, "I think I can do that in
one shot."

048 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the definition of frustration?
A: When your date puts on her bra backwards and it fits.

Woman:  Slow down, foreplay is an art.
Man:  Well, if you don't get your canvas arranged soon, I'm going to
      spill my paint!

Q: Why are women like screen doors?
A: Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up.

Q: How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
A: They put a toilet seat on the stove.

Q: What's marijuana?
A: Grass that can mow down a gardener.

Q: What's worse than having your doctor tell you you have VD?
A: Having your dentist tell you.

Q: What's a wife?
A: An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

Q: Why can't you give a Puerto Rican a blow job?
A: Because you can't give a Puerto Rican any kind of job.

Q: What do you do with a dead Texan who's too big for his coffin?
A: Give him an enema and put him in a shoebox.

Q: What's a Polish vibrator?
A: A mop handle and six relatives shaking the bed.

Q: Did you hear about the Black man with insomnia?
A: He kept waking up every few days.

Q: How does a WASP decide sexual compatability?
A: They both have headaches every night at ten.

Q: What do the US Postal Service and the Kinney Shoe company have in common?
A: 500,000 Black loafers.

049 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

An important senator arranges to use an escort service (high-class
prostitution) and winds up with this beautiful japanese girl who speaks little
english, but hey, he wasn't in the mood for conversation anyway.  So they get
at it, and she gets into it like no woman he's ever seen!  She starts yelling
this japanese word and making faces and he can tell he's driving her crazy!
He's never had it so good.  So the next morning, he's golfing with the
japanese ambassador, and he makes a birdie.  He suddenly remembers the word
that the woman yelled at what must have been the moment of climax the night
before, and he yells it out.  The ambassador looks at him rather oddly, looks
at the pin, and says, "no, that was the right hole..."

huh huh huh huh huh, he said hole.

050 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm sitting on the shitter at Metro Airport and I'm backed up like rush hour
traffic on twelve mile road. I'm grunting so hard I swear I popped a vein in
my neck but not even a corn kernal exits. I suddenly hear the door slam open
and someone running to the stall next to mine. This guy's trying his best to
get his money in door and finally gives up and crawls underneath. I then hear
the sweet sounds of someone taking a real healthy dump. Reverberations that
I'm sure were picked up as earth tremors throughout the globe. I pipe up,
"Gawd Damn!, I wish that was me right now." to which this guy replied, "Ya, I
wish it was you too. I didn't get my pants down in time".

051 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two lesbians in the bath.
Lesbian1: Where's the soap?
Lesbian2: Yes, it does rather.

052 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy was on a business trip and he's staying in this fancy hotel.  When
he goes up to his room there's a sign near the bed that says "Try our Oriental
Massage".  So he rings down to the reception and tells the clerk that he'd
like to try one of these massages.  About ten minutes later this Japanese
lady comes up and starts giving him a massage.  He's lying on his stomach
and getting pretty horny and he gets a huge boner.  She told him to turn
over and when he does she sees his cock standing to attention.  So she
giggles and says "Ahh, you want wanky!" So he says "Oooh, yes!"  So she
runs off into the bathroom and he justs lies on the bed waiting.  A few
minutes later she sticks her head out from behind the door and says "You
finished yet?"

053 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This luscious blonde is tanning topless at the big hotel swimming pool.

A big macho dude, Charles Atlas type, with muscles bulging decides he's
going impress this bird.  He puts everything down next to her and jumps
into the pool.  He swims 120 lengths and gets out.  While drying himself
off, he says to her: "Whew, that was great!  I used to be an Olympic
swimmer."

She dives straight into the pool and swims 200 lengths in less than half
the time.  Not a gasp.

"It was nice,"  she says, "I used to be a prostitute in Venice."

054 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was an american, german, and polack that were being held
during the french revolution. They were to be be-headed in the
morning.

When morning came, they stuck the american in the guillotine.
When the blade came down, it got stuck half way. They figured
it had to have been an act of God, so they let him go.

Then they stuck the german in the guillotine, and the same thing
happened, it got stuck half way. Again they figured it was an act
of God and let him go.

Then it came time for the polack. As he steps up to the
guillotine, he looks up at it and says " You guys are so dumb!
If you put a little grease on it, that thing would work fine!"

055 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This cowboy was out in the desert and was captured by a renegade tribe of
indians.  The chief of the tribe told the cowboy that in 3 days he would be
killed and that he should prepare himself for death.  The cowboy's only
response was to ask if he could talk to his horse.  The chief dind't see
anything wrong with that and told the cowboy that it was ok.  The cowboy went
over to his horse and whispered in his ear.  A few minutes later the horse
galloped off.  After an hour passed the horse returned with a beautiful blonde
woman on its back.  Well the cowboy and the blonde did the nasty all night
long.  The next day the chief went to the cowboy and asked if there was
anything else he needed, for he would be put to death in 2 days.  The cowboy
again asked if he could talk to his horse.  Again the cowboy whispered in the
horses ear and again the horse galloped off.  This time it returned with a
brunette.  The cowboy and the brunette slapped together all night long.  The
next morning, the chief returned and told the cowboy that he had only 1 day
left.  The cowboy again asked if he could talk to his horse.  This time the
cowboy didn't whisper.  He said, "For the third and final time, I said POSSE!!"

056 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This guy only had $5.00, but he just had to have some sex, so he went
to the whore house & asked what he could get for $5.00. The madam said
she didn't have anything, but the guy insisted he HAD to get laid.  She
finally felt sorry for the poor bastard, so she took him up to a REALLY
old lady who cleans up the place , and said he could have her for
$5.00.

They started getting it on, but it was really dry & rough.  After a
while, however, it got _really_ moist & smooth.  He finally exploded,
and they started talking about it.

He told her how rough it was to start, but how GREAT it got, & that it
was the best he'd ever had, once things started moving!

She said, "Yea, I know what you mean, once all those blisters popped,
it really felt GREAT for me too!".

057 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

My friend Matt came back from his weekend and told me that the
funniest thing happened to him this past weekend.

He and some friends had just left a bar all messed up and one of the
kids who was drunk decided he could drive.  This wasn't too smart it
turns out as the kid ended up driving the wrong way on a one way
street and a cop was sitting there in his car.

The cop asked the kid about his reasoning, driving up the wrong way.
"Didn't you see the arrows?" the cop asked.

"No, officer," the kid replied, "I didn't even see the indians."

He was busted for DWI.

058 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    An intrepid explorer in the deapest darkest of jungles is captured
by hostile natives.  Under normal circumstances, this particular tribe kills
all outsiders but the chief sort of takes a liking to the explorer.  So he
proposisions the explorer....

"Look," says the chief, "we can never let you return to your world and
normally we would kill you.   But since you seem to be a very honorable man
I am going to give you a chance to live as one of us.  If you pass our test
of manhood then you shall live as one of us.  If not, you shall die."

The explorer, having no other option, says "OK" and asks for the details of
the test.

The chief explains, "To become a man in our tribe you must complete three
tasks:  1)  You must drink one gallon of our strongest ale.  2)  You must
pull an impacted tooth from the jaws of a tiger.  3)  You must satisfy a
homocidal nymphomaniac twice."

That night, the explorer is brought before three tents.  The chief informs
the explorer that within the first tent he will find the ale.  Within the
second tent he will find the tiger.  And within the third tent he will find
the nymphomaniac.

Seeing no reason to waste any time, the explorer enters the first tent.

Twenty minutes later he emerges.  He can barely walk but somehow manages
to stagger his way to the second tent.

Almost immediately shrieks of pain and horror could be heard from within the
second tent, but alas, after half an hour the explorer emerges victorious.

Torn to pieces by the tiger, the explorer looks at the chief and says, "Now,
wheers tha woman with the thore tooth?"

059 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here is another one, these 2 black guys go into a church and they start
eating peanuts.  One of the black guy throws some of them on the floor,
the priest looks at him and says what are you doing?  This is a holy
place, you can't do that.  The black guy says don't worry i will pick it
up later.  So he goes in front of god, his friend watches him and he sees
that god said something too him.  His friend asked him what god said to
him, he says lets just go.  His friend said no no, i want to go in front
of god he said something to you.  He says let just get out of here, his
friend says what did he say?  The black guy,  he said "Listen asshole,
pick up the peanuts, take your black friend and get the fuck out of here".

060 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time there was a german, american and pollack.  All three
had been overseas to some third world country.  While at this third
world country, they all had managed to be suspects for the murder
of one of the high government officials of this dreaded land.  The
community had gotten together to decide what should be done to have
justice served.  They ran into a problem, however.  No one could decide
who they guilty man was.  Then from the back of the room where the
community meeting was held, a voice cried out.  It said "guillotine 'em
all!"  So this was the decision agreed upon by all.  This decision
was final, and was to be carried out the following morning.  When
morning came they were all informed that they would each get a last
request.  Then it started.  Each man was led through the town square
to be decapitated.  The german was to be first.  He was asked if
he had a last request.  The german responded "Yes, would you please
see to it that my wife is taken care of?"  He was told that this would
happen and was lowered under the mighty blade.  The lever was released
and the blade fell short of reaching his head by about 2 inches.  The
people of the land decided that this was an act of God saying that he
was not guilty, so they let him go free.  Next up was the american.
He was asked if he had a last request.  The american responded"Yes,
may I please smoke just one last cigarette?" The answer was yes and
was allowed to light up. After he was finished he was lowered under the
mighty blade.  The lever was released and the blade fell short of
reaching his head by about 2 inches.  The people of the land decided
that this was an act of God saying that he was not guilty, so they let
him go free.  Finally the pollack was to meet his death under the mighty
blade and was asked if he had a last request. The pollack stood there
for about two minutes with a dumbfounded look on his face trying to think
of a last request.  Then  his eyes lit up and said yes.  He responded
by saying"Look, there is a kink in the chain!"

061 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why don't art students open their curtains in the morning?
A: So they have something to do in the afternoon.

062 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This chinese guy walks into a bar and sees the
bartender is black.  So he says, hey nigger give me a jigger.  The black
guy says hey this racism is fucked up.  It's all bullshit, how would you
feel if i call you a chink.  The chinese guy says no problem, i wouldn't
mind.  The Black guy says,  ok we will change places.  So the black guy
leaves the bar and the chinese guy goes behind it.  The black guy walks
in a few minutes later casually, and he says hey chink give me a drink.
The chinese guys says "Sorry we don't server niggers".

063 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the
smartest dog. They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs
together and seeing whose could perform the most impressive feat.

"Okay, Rover," ordered the architect, and Rover trotted over to a table
and in four minutes constructed a complete scale model of a Cathedral
out of toothpicks. The architect slipped Rover a cookie, and everyone
agreed that it was a pretty impressive performance.

"Hit it, Spot," commanded the doctor. Spot lost no time in performing
an emergency Caesarian on a cow. Three minutes later the proud mother
of a healthy little heifer was all sewed up and doing fine. Not bad,
conceded the onlookers, and Spot got a cooking from the doctor.

"Your turn, Fella," said the lawyer. Over went Fella, screwed the other
two dogs, took their cookies, and went out to lunch.

064 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them.
They decide that when they get home, theyUll do the first thing that the women
ask.

The next night, theyUre in the same bar.

The first guy says *man, i donUt think that our idea was so great!  I was
sitting on the couch watching tv, and i dropped my cigarette on the couch.
my wife said why dont you burn the whole house down?  That place is still
smoldering.*

The second guy said *that ainUt nothing.  I was working on the car, and
dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender.  She said why dont you tear the
whole car apart?  It took me all night.*

The third guy said *you guys donUt have nothing on me.  When i walked in
the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and i felt a little romantic.  i
reached down, and she said Cut that out!  Ever seen one of these real close?

065 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's the difference between a Lada and a golf ball?
A. At least you can drive a golf ball 200 yards...

Q. What is the difference between a LADA and a tampon?
A. A tampon comes with a tow rope.

Q. What is the difference between the Jehovah's Witnesses and a Lada?
   (small car made in Russia.)
A. You can shut the door on the Jehovah's Witnesses.

Q. Why do Lada's have rear window heaters?
A. To keep your hands warm when you are pushing it.

A guy walked into the Service Station and asked "do you have a rear
view mirror for a Lada?" to which the Attendent replied "Sounds like
a fair swap to me."

Q.  how do you double the value of a lada?
A.  fill it with petrol

Q. What's the difference between a LADA and a sheep?
A. It's more embarrassing if you're caught getting out the back of a LADA.

066 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's going to be a blood bath in South Africa.  Tampax is pulling out.

067 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are two guys in a bar talking. One guy says to the other,
   " Don't ya hate it when you go to say something, but it comes out wrong ?
     Like when I was at the train station, and the ticket chick had
     HUGE tits!  I mean huge ! I went up and said 'Can I have a picket to
     titsberg ?' instead of 'a ticket to pittsberg' "
The other guy says,
    " Yeh, I know what ya mean. The other day I was sitting down for
      breakfast, and I meant to say 'Honey can you pass the sugar ?'
      but it came out as
      'YA FUCKEN RUINED MY LIFE, BITCH !!!!'"

068 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

  After being cooped in the pin for 10 years all this guy could think about
was eaten some pussy.  And now he was finally let out with nothing but
a pair of clothes and $10.  He was going everywhere looking for the
nearest whore house, chanting 'PUSSY, PUSSY, PUSSY...' Finally he found
one he runs in and says,' I've been locked up for ten years, and all I've
thought about was gettin me some Punte'.  What'cha got for ten dollars?'
The guy replies,'Sorry ten dollars won't get nothing no more.  No wait,
I think I've got something for you.  Follow me.'  He takes the ten and
they leave down the hallway.  The guy spots a girl sucking a guys dick
through one door, and he begins to chant pussy again.  Soon after he
sees two girls woring th 69.  he chants louder. He sees more and more,
till finally they reach the end of the hall. 'Here it is' the other guy
tells him as he skips off.  Then he looks only to see:
    A fat geezy old cheddar cheeze looken bisquit layen eyesore seeyen
bed spring squeezen flabby ass titties bitch.  Laying flat naked accross
the bed.  'Oh well, It's Pussy' and guy runs and throws his face in her
crotch.  He starts lickin and eaten over and over till he gets a peace
of broccoli nugged in his teeth.  He pulls it out and eats on, untill
a peice green beans gets stuck now.  'Man I should have brushed my teeth
today' he says as he spits that out also.  Then after eating her out
some more gets a peice of meet stuck in his teeth.  'Meat! I don't remember
eating any meat lately!  I think I'm going to be sick...'  Then the fat
lady says,' That's what the last guy said!!!!!'.'    YACKKKKKKK!!!'

069 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Ok, there's this guy walks into a bar one night.  He goes up to the
barman and asks him for a beer.
    "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1p."
    "ONE PENNY!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes...".

    So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice
juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
    "Certainly sir, " replies the barman, "but that all comes to money."
    "How much money?" inquires the guy.
    "4p", he replies. "FOUR PENCE!?!!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the bloke
who runs this place?"
    The barman replies "Upstairs with my wife.."
    The guy goes "What's he doing with your wife", to which the barman
replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business..."

070 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

It all began when the big crime boss developed a scheme to monopolize
in cheese production. Sometime around one o'clock in the afternoon
the big crime boss called in his three men that he always went to
when he needed a little bit of dirty work to be done.  These three
men were big and strong and could always get the job done. One
of them was a german, another an american, and the last a mexican.
The mission given these three heros was to go across town and steal
mass quantities of their favorite kind of cheese from their companies
competitor.  This would allow for The BIG Cheese Co. to pull ahead in
production and maybe turn over some profit.  The three men prepared for
this mission by each grabbing a large backpack to throw the cheese in
once the had gotten their hands on the cheese they so desired.  The
time came when this was to be done.  Each had the big adrenaline rush
thing going and was ready to execute.  They went through the back door
and split up, each into their own selected cheese section. The american
was the first one to come back out.  It wasn't long before the german
had come running after him either.  While they stood behind the dumpster
waiting for the mexican to come out they asked each other what kind of
cheese each had grabbed.  The american being from wisconsin told the
german, "I got some good sharp cheddar cheese!"  The german had
responded by saying, "I don't know how you americans can stand that
stuff, your not really a man until you've had some lindberger cheese,
that's what I grabbed!"  Just as the german finished what he was
saying out came the mexican still loading his bag with cheese. The three
men figured that they should hurry up and get out of there because they
could here a security guard yelling something at the mexican.
The three men had ran about a block before they had to stop, and
gasp for a breath.  The american and german noticed that the mexican
had gotten away with an extremely large stash of cheese and they
became exited.  They immediately started thumbing through his cheese
to see what he had gotten.  They saw all kinds of cheese, from
swiss to mozzerella.  They asked the mexican, "Don't you have a
favorite cheese?"  The mexican responded, "Of course I like nacho cheese."
The american and german looked again, but saw nothing that looked like
nacho cheese.  The american had said,"I hate to tell you this Jose',
but you didn't grab any nacho cheese!"  The mexican said, "What do you
mean there was some nigger back there telling me- That's NACHO cheese!
That's NACHO cheese!"

071 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A not-so-well-off couple just got married, and are forced to "honeymoon"
at her mother's house. That first night, the wife says to her mother:
    "I can't sleep with this man, mother. I've never done it before"
    "Dear, you have to sleep with him on your wedding day to make things
proper"
    So the girl goes up to her room where her husband is undressing. When
he takes his pants off, she sees that his legs are the hairiest she's ever seen.
So she rins downstairs screaming "I can't do this mother, I can't sleep with
somene so hairy!"
    "No dear, you have to do this. It's just right that you consumate your
wedding."
    So back she goes. This time, her husband is taking off his shoes and
socks. She soon notices that one foot if fine while the other is mangled, and
has only two toes.
    Again the girl runs down screaming..
    "Mother..I can't do this. I just can't sleep with a with with a foot
and a half"
    "You're right, dear, this is a job for your mother!"

072 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

So this little girl is walking home from school when a man pulls over to
the side of the road, and calls to her
"If you get in I'll give you a loolipop."  The little girl ignores him and
keeps walking.  The car follows along behind her, and again the man
driving calls to her:
"If you get in, I'll give you TWO lollipops."  The girl ignores him, and
she keeps walking as the car follows her along the street.   Finally the
driver says
"Hey, if you just get in for a tic, I'll give you THREE lollipops."  To
this the little girl turns t him and says
"Hey dad, you bought the bloody lada, you can drive it"

073 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two aboriginal men drowned at a food factory yesterday when they fell
into a vat containing a mixture of milk, egg yolk, sugar and cornflour.

Black deaths in custard!

074 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the difference between a nun and a lady in a bathtub?
A: A nun has hope in her soul!

Q: What's the difference between a circus trapeze act and a football cheer
   squad?
A: One's a cunning display of stunts!

Q: Why did cave-men drag their women by the hair?
A: If they dragged them by the feet they'd fill up with rocks.

Q: What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
A: A fruit stand!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 A guy walks into a pet store, where a parrot is sitting on a perch
at the front door.  He looks over at the parrot and the parrot says
"HEY!   FUCK YOU!!!".  The guy is floored by the parrots remark, but
blows it off and goes about his business.  As the guy is walking out of
the store the parrot again says "HEY!  FUCK YOU!".  The guy is
insulted this time and goes back to the store owner and tels him what
the parrot just did, the owner does not believe him, so they go back to
the front of the store, and once againg the parrot says "HEY!  FUCK YOU!!"
The store owner assures the patron that he will take care of this
problem......

.....Weeks pass and the guy comes back in the store, the same parrot
is sitting on the perch at the front of the store.  The guy give the
parrot the eye as he walks by and sure enough the parrot says "HEY???

The guy answers "WHAT!!!" the parrot then replies "you know what!!!"

075 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

        This mexican couple where just popin babies and decided
    to go see a doctor about birth control.  They had too little
    money for any surgery or pills so the doctor gave the husband
    a condom and asked him to come back in three weeks to see how
    everything is coming along.  Three weeks later they came back
    and he gave the wife a pregnancy test.  She came out positive,
    upset the doctor asks 'I gave you that condom didn't you
    use it?'  With a grin the husband replies 'Ofcourse, infact
    I'm still wearing it.'  Puzzled the Doctor responds 'Still
    wearing it?!?  How do you take a piss?' 'I'm not stupid,
    I cut a hole in it for that!'

076 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     Two rich aggies where getting back from a hunting trip,
   when one turned to the other and said he needed to go to
   the bathroom.  So they stopped the truck and he went behind
   the bushes.  Then he came back and the other said 'That was
   fast' 'Well I need to take a shit but I've got nothing to
   wipe my ass with' The other answers 'That's easy just go
   on back, pull out a dollar, and wipe your ass' 'O.K.' he
   says as he goes back over to the bush.  Later he comes back
   with a really upset look on his face and says 'That was a
   terrible idea.  Not only did I get SHIT all over my hands,
   I've got 4 Quarters Stuck up my ASS!'

077 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is driving down the road and sees a farm. He knocks on the door of the
farmhouse and a farmer answers.
Driver: Can you spare some mustard?

Farmer: Sorry, don't have any.

Driver: Well, you've got mustard weed down in that field there.

Farmer: Yeah, but you can't get mustard from mustard weed.

Driver: I can.

Farmer: Well, be my guest.

A half an hour later the driver comes back with a jar of mustard.
Next day, the driver knocks on the door again.

Driver: You wouldn't happen to have any milk would you?

Farmer: Sorry, no milk.

Driver: Well, you've got milkweed don't you?

Farmer: Yeah, but you can't get milk from milkweed.

Driver: I can.

Farmer: Well, be my guest.

A half an hour later, the Driver comes back with a gallon of milk.
Next day the driver knocks on the door again.

Farmer: Hey, the miracle man! What you gonna pick today?

Driver: Pussy willow.

Farmer: I'm going with you this time!

078 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Three men an american, an irish and a polish man were all sentenced
for there part in the assasination of the prime minister. Their sentence was
to be locked in a big room for twenty years, but they could take one thing
in with them. So the guard asked the american and he said "I'll take my wife,
so atleast I can have fun" so the guards brought his wife in and locked in the
room. Then the guard asked the irishman and he said "I need liquor" so he was
locked away with 20 years worth of alcohol. Then the polish guy says "I know
what I want I want 20 years worth of ciggaretts" so he too got what he wanted
and was locked up.

    20 years later....

The guards opens the americans door and out comes him, his wife and a three
kids and they're all smiles. next they opens the irishmans door and he's
sitting there laughing his ass off and invites the guard in for a drink. (he
has no clue what day it is) next is the polish man. They open the door and he
says "anyone got a light".

079 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why can't lesbians go on a diet?
A: Because it's hard to eat Jenny Craig when you've got Mary Kay on your face.

080 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was Sunday, and the entire congregation was sitting inside its customary
church.  There were two interesting towns-people who had weird occupations
during the Reverend's readings... A man who always fell asleep, and a woman
who always knitted.

It just so happened that the two ended up sitting next to one another in the
front row this particular Sunday, each doing their respective thing (sleeping
and knitting).  The Reverend starts:

    "Who is the creator of our great universe? Who gave us life to
     cherish and behold?"

At this point the lady who was knitting (with a double tipped needle) pokes one
side of it (accidentaly) into the sleeping man's side.  The man woke up and
screamed "GOD!!"

    "THAT'S CORRECT!!" the Reverend intoned. "Who is the son of God
     who came down to visit the earth, and who did die for our sins?"

The lady poked the poor guy again and he woke up screaming "JESUS CHRIST!!!"

    "THAT'S CORRECT!!" the Reverend cried. "And what did Eve say to Adam
     after their last child?"

The lady pokes him yet again and the man, finally fed up, yells: "STICK THAT
THING INTO ME ONE MORE TIME AND I'LL BREAK IT IN TWO!!"

081 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why was the canible walking through the jungle eatting monkey shit?
A: He had just ate a Lawyer and had to get the taste out of his mouth.

Q: What did the Business graduate say to the Arts graduate?
A: You're fired!!

082 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once there was a bachelor who had a parrot.  This parrot had a very annoying
habit, though.  Every time the bachelor brought a date back to his apartment,
the parrot would start saying, "Braawwkk!! Somebody's gonna get screwed!
Somebody's gonna get screwed!"

This usually caused the bachelor's dates to get very upset and leave.

Well the bachelor was not getting laid since his dates were leaving, so he
was understandably upset.  He decided that maybe if he got a female parrot,
his parrot would calm down when he brought dates home.

So, he went to the pet store for a female parrot, but they were out of them.
They did, however, have a female owl for sale.  As the bachelor had a hot date
lined up for the weekend, he decided he would take his chances with the owl.

That weekend, he brought his date home and the parrot started up again, saying,
"Brraawwk!!  Somebody's gonna get screwed!  Somebody's gonna get screwed!"

The owl started to get upset with all the commotion and started saying,
"Who!!  Who!!"

The parrot replied, "Not you, you flat-faced bitch!"

083 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There were two brothers who worked for the mafia: Vinnie, who
was a bodyguard for the godfather, and Joey, who was the
godfather's main accountant.  Joey was also deaf, and Vinnie
served as his sign language interpreter.

One day, the godfather discovered that Joey had been playing
with the books and had swindled him out of $2 million.  He
called the two brothers in to confront Joey:

Godfather:  (To Vinnie) Tell your brother I know he has been stealing
            from me, and I want to know right now where the money is.

Vinnie signs this to his brother, who signs back:

Vinnie:     Joey says he doesn't know what you're talking about.

Godfather:  Look, you tell him I'm not playin' around.  I want my
            $2 million and I want it now.

Vinnie again signs to Joey, who signs back:

Vinnie:     He says to please believe him, that he hasn't taken any
            money from you.

Enraged, the godfather pulls out a pistol, and holds it Joey's temple.

Godfather:  Okay, this is his last chance.  Either the money or his
            brains will be laying out on this table.

Vinnie signs this to Joey, who frantically signs back that the money
is in a secret compartment under a floorboard in his closet.

Vinnie:     (Shaking his head).  He says you haven't got the balls
            to kill me.

084 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Penis names - How about:

- Sherman the One-Eyed German
- Throbbing Thrill Hammer
- Willy the one-eyed wonder worm
- One-eyed midget with a turtle neck sweater
- Trouser trout! (yawn)
- Heat seeking moisture missle!!

085 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q:  What is the difference between a girl in the church and a girl in a
    bathroom?
A:  Hope in the soul & Soap in the hole

Q:  What is the similarity between a queen's night gown & her country's flag?
A:  Both are raised by the King.

086 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A boy and a girl were walking through the zoo one day and saw
two elephants screwing.  The girl asked, "What are they doing?"
And the boy said, "They're making hamburger."
They walk further and see two lions screwing.  "What are they
doing?" asks the girl.  "Making hamburger" answers the boy.
The pair go behind a tree and start screwing.  A policeman
comes by and asks the girl, "What are you two doing?"
"We're making hamburger," says the girl.
"Oh, so that must me catsup and mayo running down your leg!"

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and Cassanova?
A: The looks on their faces when they get nailed.

Q: How do you know when your waitress hates you?
A: She gives you the Bloody Mary you ordered with the string still in it.

Q: What are the strings on tampons used for?
A: To floss after eating.

087 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little boy walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog on a string
behind him.  He walks up to the madame and says,"I want a girl!"  The
madame, shocked at the boy's presence and demand, said, "I'm sorry little
boy, but you are far too young to be coming in here."  The kid reaches into
his pocket and pulls out a fifty dollar bill and gives to the lady.  She
thought, and said, "Well, let's see who's available for you."
    "Wait a minute," said the little boy.  "She's gotta have herpes!"
    "I'm sorry, little boy, but all my girls are clean."  Another fifty dollar
bill  to the lady.
    "Well, one dirty girl coming right up!"
    So she thinks and says, "Go upstairs, first door to the left.  I think
she'll take care of you just fine."
    So the little boy goes up the steps, still dragging the dead frog behind
him.  It hits the stairs, BOOMP BOOMP BOOMP all the way up.
    About 45 minutes later, the kid comes back down, and he's still got that
dead frog on the string behind him, BOOMP BOOMP BOOMP all the way down the
stairs.  As he's halfway out the door, the madame stops him and asks him,
"Little boy, why are you dragging that dead frog around?"
    He says, "OK, it's like this.  Now I'm going to go home and have sex with
my babysitter.  Then tonight, when mommy and daddy come home and daddy
takes the babysitter home, they'll screw in the back seat.  Then daddy will
come home, and go upstairs, and he and mommy will have sex befoe they go to
bed. And in the morning, daddy leaves for work at eight, the milkman comes
at ten, and HE'S THE FUCKER WHO KILLED MY FROG!!!!"

088 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you make a cat sound like a dog?
A: Take some gas, pour over it, light a match and WOOOOF!

Q: How do you make a dog sound like a cat?
A: Put it in the freezer, take it out when it is real stiff, take a
   chainsaw (motion of starting it, make sounds of chainsaw) and
   (with sawing motion over the frozen dog) MIIIAAUUUUU!

089 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I dated a woman with a wooden leg once but I had to break it off.

090 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

ITALIAN JOKE:

So one day Dick and Harry are sitting in side of a street and
Dick says, "I hate I-talians. They're the lousiest excuse for
human beings on this earth." Then they see this Italian guy walking by
them playing the drums. On top of the drum is a little monkey
holding a coin bag. Dick drops a coin into that bag, and Harry
says, "Why did you do that? I thought you hated Italians."
To which Dick replies, "YEah, but they're so cute when theyre little!"

POLISH JOKES:

Q: What do you call a lump on a Polack's ass?
A: A brain tumor.

Q: How does a Polack take a shower?
A: He pisses into a fan.

Q: How does a Polack tie his shoes?
A: He puts on both shoes, puts one foot on the stool and ties the other one!

Two blacks and a Polack are walking down the street. One black
snaps his fingers and says, "Yo man, I got the rhythm." The other
black snaps his fingers and says, "Yo man, I got the rhythm."
The polack snaps his fingers and says, "Yo man, I got this snot
on my finger!"

Q: Why do Polacks appear jarred in the senses?
A: 'Cause their parents gave birth to them standing up!

091 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A minister of a certain church was interviewing three couples who wished to
become members of the church.

"You have all interviewed well so far," he told them.  "But there is one
final requirement you must fulfill before you can enter our church.

"You must all abstain from sex for six weeks."

So, the three couples agreed to this, and six weeks later were interviewed
again by the minister.

"Well, sir," the minister said to the first husband, "Did you and your wife
abstain for the full six weeks?"

"Yes we did!" replied the husband.  "It wasn't even difficult!  My wife took
up knitting, and I read a lot, and we never even missed sex."

"Congratulations!" said the minister, "Welcome to the church!"

He then asked the second husband the same question.

"At first it was easy!" the second husband replied.  "But near the end of the
six weeks, it took all the will power we could muster up to get though.  But
we did it!  We abstained for the full six weeks!"

The minister congratulated the second couple.  "Come on in to the church!"

He asked the third husband the same question, and he replied, "I'm afraid I have
bad news.  We were doing OK, for awhile.  But eventually I just couldn't take
it any longer.  When my wife bent over to pick up a bar of soap, I couldn't
control myself!  We sex right then and there."

"I'm very sorry," said the minister.  "But I'm afraid I won't be able to let
you into our church."

"That's OK," replied the husband.  "They won't let us back into Safeway either!"

092 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a chemist and starts fumbling around in one of the
aisles.  "May I help you Sir", a female voice asks.  He looks up and
nervously asks 'Is... is there a male that could help me instead?
I'd feel much more comfortable.'

The girl look suprised. 'What's the problem?  Just tell me anyway,
I'm sure I can help you with it!'.  The man looks around, eventually
deciding it's ok.  'I'm looking for some condoms'.

'Yes, certainly Sir', the girl replies, 'How many would you like?'
'Ninety-nine', the man blurts out, to which the girl replies
'NINETY-NINE, f*ck me dead, you'd better make that a HUNDRED!!'

093 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A girl (over 18) was sitting in a curch slightly whimpering
when the preist came over to ask what was wrong.  She said her
boyfriend did something to her that was just  bad to talk about.
He said 'Don't worry you can tell me anything, your secret is safe'
She responds that it's just too bad to talk about.  So he takes her
hand, rubs it and says 'Did he do this?' 'Worse' she replies.
Then he starts to fondle her breast 'Did he do this?' 'Worse'
Then he pulls up her shirt and starts to suck on them 'Did he
do this?' 'Worse'  Then he pulls her skirt down and procedes
to eat her out 'Did he do this' 'Worse' So he pulls down his
paints and starts to screw her. He starts pounding her and
asks 'Did he do this?' 'Worse'  'Worse' he asks 'What could be
worse than this?'  Then she says 'He gave me SYPHILIS!!!'

094 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you stop five black guys raping a white woman?
A: Throw them a basketball....

095 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time a man was walking down the street. He saw an ancient
oil lamp in an ash can and, thinking of the Aladdin legend, he picked
up and rubbed it. Sure enough, out popped a genie. This genie sounded
more like Pauly Shore than Robin Williams.
  "Master, I shall now grant you one wish."
The man spoke, his eyes bulging with desire. "I wanna be rock hard
and get plenty of ass for the rest of my life!"

The genie obediently turned him into a toilet.

096 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A pregnant woman was in labor; she was in the delivery room, her feet
were up in the stirrups, she was ready to go. The doctor says, "Okay,
now push!" The woman pushes, and after a few minutes, out pops the baby
into the waiting hands of the OB/GYN. The doctor picks up the baby by
the feet, whirls it around his head a few times and lets it fly into
the opposite wall. The baby hits the wall headfirst with a resonant
squishing sound and slides down the wall to the floor where it rests in
a bloody, pulpy mass. The woman, horrified, said, "Doctor, Doctor, that
was my baby!! What did you do that for!!!???"
The doctor replied, "Oh it's okay - it was dead anyway."

097 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

They were down there for about 4 days when Bruce said "We are out of money.
We need to get more monery fast."  Steve agreed, and he told Bruce he had
an idea and to follow him.  Bruce agreed and they want to a golf course.  Bruce
said "gee Steve what are we doing here?" Steve said "When I tell you to,
stand up and scream."  Bruce agreed.
Then a big mother fucken Texan gets up to tee off.  Then he tees off.  Then
Steve says "NOW!!"  Bruce jumps and down like a little girl screaming.  Then
Steve goes up to the big Texan and says "you hit my husband and we are going
to sue you for 1 million dollars."  The big Texan replied "Fuck you mother
fuck, Suck my fucking dick!!"  Then Steve yelled back to bruck, while he was
jumping up and down all happy "Oh Bruce he wants to settle out of court."

    One day Bruce and Bill started to run low on money and they agreed to
both go looking fo a job.  Then next day Bruce comes in and says I have a job
but I have to get up early in the morning.  So Bruce and Bill cut out their
usual sex night that night.
    The next morning Bruce gets up and Bill is not around.  Then Bruce
takes a shower and gets ready to go to work.  He comes down stair and sees
Bill masterbating in a brown paper bag.  Bruce says, "Bill what are you doing?"
Bill replys "I am packing your lunch"

098 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Seems most of the fires in Kuwait had been put out, but there was one monster
one left, and none of the daredevil teams had been able to put it out.
The officials are looking at it deciding what to do next, and one of them
says "Look, we're desperate, why not try those two Newfies who live down
the road?  They're always advertising that they'll take on any job that
pays."  So they decide to offer them $2 million each if they can put it
out.  They call the Newfies, who readily agree to try.
As the officials are standing there, they can see the dust from behind the
Newfie jeep as it races across the desert.  But instead of stopping, they
go right past all of them into the heart of the blaze.  Then they jump out
and in a frenzy of activity, they tear out every removable part of the
jeep and use them to beat out the fire.
The officials are amazed, and when the Newfies come over, the leader says
to them "Gentlemen, I have never seen such courage in my life.  We are so
grateful that we're going to give you $4 mil each instead of 2."
Then another official, who knows the Newfies fairly well, says, "Well,
after living all these years in poverty, I guess there are going to be
some big changes in your life now."
"Yep" says one of the Newfies, "and the first thing I'm gonna do is fix
the brakes on the goddamn jeep."

099 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes into a Chemist and look around for a minute.
The female pharmacist then askes him if he would like some
assistance.
"No. I'd like to speak to the bloke who's usually here."  He says.
Then she gets snotty. "I'm sick of men who can't ask for condoms, this
is the ninetys you know.... bleah, bleah etc."
The male chemist then comes from out the back, "G'day Bob.  Haven't
seen you in ages...", turns to the woman, "this is my brother Fred...."

100 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q:  What do you get when you cross a submarine with a tamborine?
A:  The Salvation Navy!

101 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman was giving birth to a baby, and the mid-wife was standing there
ready for when the baby came out. The baby pops his head out, looks at the
mid-wife and says "Are you my daddy?". The mid-wife says "No, I'm not your
daddy" and the baby pulls his head back inside. The mid-wife calls the doctor
over to see what's going on. The baby pops his head out, looks at the
doctor and says "Are you my daddy?" "No, I'm not your daddy" says the
doctor, and the baby pulls his head back in again. The doctor calls the
father over to have a look. The father puts his head down, the baby pops
his out and says "Are you my daddy?" "Yes" says the father, "I'm your
dady". The baby knocks his fist against the father's forehead "Fuckin'
hurts, doesn't it?"

102 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bill and Bruce wake up in bed next to each other. Bill turns to Bruce and
says "It'th your turn to cook breakfast". Bruce says "Oh awlright, but
don't pull yourthelf and come all over the room while I'm gone". Bruce
goes off and when he returns there's cream-of-sprog everywhere,
dripping off the ceiling, sliding down the walls etc... Bruce says
"Bill!!!! I told you not to pull yourthelf and come all over the room while
I was gone!" "I didn't!" says Bill, "I just farted!"

103 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

One morning the Head Nun pulled all the young nuns for a talk.
She says 'I have something terrible to tell you.  This morning a
condom was found in the courtyard.'  All the nuns simultaneously
responded 'Oh No.'  and one nun gigles 'he he.'  Then the Head Nun
says 'And it was used.'  All the nuns 'Oh No.' and one nun gigles
'he he.'  Then the Head Nun says 'And there was a rip in it' All
the nuns go 'He he.'  And one says 'OH NO!'

104 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Did you hear about the naked jewish guy who went running into a wall
   with a hard on....
A: He broke his nose!

105 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three guys (substitute your favorite ethnic cultures
here) were walking along a cliff when a genie appeared.

"I will grant each of you one wish, but you must jump
off the cliff and shout out your heart's desire...
only then will I grant it to you."

The three dudes were impressed.  So the first one leaps
off and shouts "GOLD!!!!"  A huge pile of gold appears
at the bottom of the cliff, the guy lands on it and dies
instantly.

The second one leaps off and shouts "SILVER!!!!".  A huge
pile of silver appears at the bottom, the guy lands on it
and dies a slow, horrible death.

As the third one runs up to the edge to leap off, he trips
and yells "OH, SHIT!!!!!"  A huge pile of shit appears at
the bottom, the guy lands smack bang in the middle of it...

...and emerges unhurt!

106 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

two old ladies go the movie theatre. they sit down and wait for the movie
to begin. The theatre fills up and an old man sits beside one of the old
ladies.  The movie begins to play, and the first lady turns to the second
and says, "Ester, the man beside me is jerking off!"

The second ladys says, "Oh my, let's move!"
the first lady says, "I can't, he's using my hand.."

107 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do black persons use mustard on their tootsie rolls?
A: So they don't eat their fingers.

108 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     This guys walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a shot of his best
whiskey.  The bartender pours it and the guy downs it and asks for another.
Again the bartender pours it and the gut downs it and asks for yet another.
Once again the bartender pours it and the guy downs it.  The bartender then asks
the guy, "Hey whats the occasion?"  The guy answers, "I just had my first blow
job."  The bartender responds, "Then in that case heres one on me."  The guy
responds, "No thanks, if the first three didn't get rid of the taste I doubt if
this one will."

109 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three guys are riding down the street in their friends new car.  They're doing
about 90 in a 35 mph zone.  A cop stops them and orders the guys out of the
car, they get out.  The cop says "If your 3 dicks add up to 15 inches, I'll let
you go without giving you a ticket".  The first guy, we'll call him Fred,
unzips and pulls out his dick, the cop gets his ruler out and measures it.  It
was 8 inches.  The second guy , Tom, climbs out of the car pulls out his dick
and it is 6 inches.  The third guy, Jeff, gets out of the backseat and pulls
out his dick, it was 1 inch.  The cop says "Ok guys your free to go, but
next time I'll make it 16 inches".  On the way home Tom says "God we were
lucky he was a nice cop", and Jeff says "God we were lucky I had a boner".

110 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry?
A: If you'd listen to me, we wouldn't be in this jam!

111 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

President Clinton was out jogging with his usual group of Secret Service Agents
when he came upon a small boy with a box full of puppies with a sign that read
"Free Puppies".  The President stopped in front of the boy and asked him if he
knew who he was.  "Yes sir, you're the President" the boy responded.  "That's
right son," said the President, "and what kind of puppies are these?"  "Why
they're Democrats" said the boy.  The President thought that this was the
cutest thing he ever saw, patted the boy on the head and continued his on
his way.  The next day, the President brought Al Gore along on his jog hoping
to see the young boy again.  When the President spotted the young boy, he
told the Vice-president to watch.  The President stopped in front of the boy
as he did the day before and asked the boy if he knew who he was.  "Yes sir,
you're the President", said the boy.  "And what kind of puppies are these?"
asked the President knowing the boy's answer would please the Vice-president.
"Why they're Republicans" answered the boy.  The President was perplexed.
"Yesterday you told me that these were Democrats and today, you tell me they
are Republicans, what's going on?"  The boy answered, "Yesterday, their eyes
were closed".

112 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A wino walked into a bar one day, and started begging for drinks.
One of the patrons tells him he'll buy the old sot a drink, but
first he has to take a drink from the spittoon over in the corner.

The wino is in a bad way, so he takes the guy up on his offer,
goes over and picks up the spittoon, raises it to his lips, and
starts chugging away.

The guy at the bar, who didn't really believe the wino would take
him up on his offer, is horrified.  "Stop!  Stop!" he yells, "I'll
buy you a drink now!"

But the wino keeps on drinking from the spittoon.

Again the guy at the bar calls out, "Stop!  Put the spittoon down!
I'll buy you a drink!"

But the wino keeps on drinking.  Finally, after about five minutes
he stops, and puts the spittoon down.

So they guy at the bar says, "Hey, didn't you hear me telling you to
stop?  Why didn't you stop?"

"I couldn't," the wino replies, "it was all one string."

113 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three surgeons were at a surgeon's convention.  During their free time they
decided to go to a bar, and after a few beers they started arguing about what
type of person was the easiest to operate on.

"That's easy," said the first surgeon.  "The easiest people to operate on are
the Germans, because when you cut 'em open, everything's right where it's
supposed to be and it all works right."

"No, no, no," said the second surgeon.  "The Germans are good, but the easiest
person to operate on is a Jap.  Everything's right where it belongs and works
right, just like the Krauts, but it's all COLOR-CODED, so you just follow the
blue on down."

The third surgeon took a long slug of beer and then said, "Well, shit, you
guys don't know what you're talking about.  The easiest person, well, his
nationality doesn't matter.  The easiest person to operate on is a LAWYER."

The other two surgeons said, "What the hell are you talking about?  You must
be nuts."

But the third surgeon replied, "Well, I've found that lawyers are really
simple.  There's just two moving parts and they're interchangeable: the mouth
and the asshole."

114 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three old men were sitting around moaning and groaning about how bad life is.

"Ohhh, if only I could take a leak, life would be so much better.  Every day I
get up and my dick feels like it's gonna explode because I got piss so bad,
but when I go in the john I try and try and nothing comes out.  Ohhh, if only
I could just get a good piss, life would be OK," said the first old man.

"I wish I weren't so all-powerful constipated," complained the second man.
"Every morning I get up and I have to take a massive shit.  I go in there and
I take a nice long, relaxing piss, but then I can't manage more than a tiny
little fart.  Ohhhh, if I could just shit, then I'd be happy."

The third old man said, "You guys got the life.  Every day, regular as clock-
work, at 8 AM I take a big, long, relaxing piss.  Feels great.  Then I take
the hugest, most glorious shit.  Such a great sensation."

"So what's your bitch?" asked the other two men.

"Well, I don't get up until 9."

115 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     There was this small town which was entirely Catholic, except for
one man who was a Protestant.  The Catholics didn't mind this, except that
every Friday, when the weather was good, he would go out on his patio and
grill a steak.  The smell of cooking beef upset many of the Catholics as they
sat down to their fish dinner.  So, year after year, they constantly
badgered him to change his religion and become Catholic.  Finally, he assented.
On Sunday, there was a little ceremony in town church which concluded with
the priest saying to the man, "You were born a Protestant, you were raised a
Protestant, but now you are Catholic."
     All the Catholics were quite pleased with the way things had turned out,
until the next Friday, when once again the smell of steaks came wafting through
the neighborhoods.  Angered by this, a group of Catholics came to man's yard,
demanding to know what he was doing.  They saw him grilling his steak, and
speaking to it, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, but
now you are a fish."

116 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This lady walks into a deli and says to the guy behind the counter
"Hey..gimme a dozen bagles" and they guy says to her "Sorry, lady..no bagles tod
ay"
So the lady takes off.  A half hour later, the same lady comes in and says
"Hey...gimme a dozen bagles" and the guy says "Lookit, lady, we don't have
any bagles!" So she shrugs and leaves again.  About an hour later, the same
lady shows up again and says "Hey...gimme a dozen bagles!" The guy says
"Lookit lady, you know how there is cat as in catalyst"
the lady agrees
"And dog as in dogma?"
the lady agrees again
"And fuck as in bagles?"
The lady says "Hey! There's no fuck in bagles!"
The guy says "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"
What's so gross about eating bald pussy?
babies don't have orgasm

117 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man moved to a remote Alaskan village, but when he went into town to
look around, he noticed that he was being shunned by all the locals.
Nobody would return his greetings or even look at him. He was stumped.
Finally an old lady took pity on him and said, "You know, nobody is
going to accept you until you perform our rite of passage."
"What is that?" he said.
"Well, first you have to drink a fifth of vodka, then go kill a polar
bear, then make love to a woman in the snow."
So that evening, he comes back into town, goes to the local bar, and
orders a fifth of vodka. After consuming the bottle, he stumbles
outside into the snow and finds a polar bear cave. He emerges
victorious fifteen minutes later and roars, "Now where's that woman I
gotta kill!!??"

118 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

President Clinton, Prime Minister Major and Premier Gorbechev are all flying
together to a summit meeting.  En Route they are discussing whose people are
the most loyal and obedient.

" The americans are, of course" Prez Clinton assertred and offered to demo-
srtate.. He approached an aide and ordered hin to jump out of the plane.

"I'm sorry Mr President, but I can't do it, I have a wife and three children to
support."

Prime Minister Major tried the same test on one of his aides.

"I'm sorry Mr Prime Minister, but I can't do it, I have a wife and three
children to support."

Gorbechev then put one of his assistants to the test.

"Jump!" he commanded one of his aides.  The aide immediately opened the hatch
and leaped out off the aircraft.

He landed in the sea where a group of astounded fisherman hauled him out of the
ocean, shaken, battered but still alive.

"Why in heavens name did you jump out of that aircraft?"  they inquired.

Answered the Russian.."Because I have a wife and three children to support!"

119 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two gay guys Bruce and Tom where having sex in the bedroom.  Tom was on
top and orgasimed first.  He then traded positions with Bruce so he could
cum as well.  Just then the phone rang, so they stopped what they were
doing and Tom got up to answer the phone on the condition that Bruce did
not orgasim while he was away.  Bruce promised.  Tom answered the phone
and upon entering the bedroom again he noticed that there was cum all over
the walls and all over the bed.  "Bruce, you promised." said Tom to which
Bruce replied, "Don't worry, I just farted."

120 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A gay man walks into a bar and orders a drink.  Eventually he strikes up a
conversation with a guy sitting next to him.  A big burly truck driver
type.  They gay man asks him if he has ever played barroom football (
american), and the man answers no but said he would like to play.  The gay
guy tells him the rules:  1) you chug a mug of beer for 6 points, 2) to go
for the extra point conversion, you pull down you pants an fart.  The gay
guy goes first.  He drinks the beer, pulls down his pants and farts - 7
points.  The other guy goes next.  He drinks the beer for 6 points.  He
pulls down his pants...as soon as the gay guy sees this, he jumps on his ass
any yells "I BLOCKED THE KICK, I BLOCKED THE KICK!"

121 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi are walking down the street on a hot
day and are quite thirsty.  They pass a busy bar and want to go in and get a
drink but have no money.  The priest does come up with an idea that he
thinks might work so he goes in alone telling to others that if his idea
works they can all get free drinks.  He goes in and orders his drink.  When
his finished with it the bartender gives him his tab.  The priest says, "But
son, I already paid for the drink".  The bartender says, "I'm terribly sorry
father but it's really busy in here and I must have forgetten".  The priest
goes out and tells the pastor and the rabbi what happend so the pastor goes
in next.  The pastor orders his drink and then informs the bartender that he
already had paid when the bartender asks him for the money.  Again the
bartender apologizes.  Finally the rabbi goes in and orders his drink.
Again the bartender gives him the tab and the rabbi tells him, "Son, I paid
you when I ordered the drink".  "I'm terribly sorry rabbi," says the
bartender, "I don't know what's wrong with me but your the third man of the
cloth that I've done this to."  "I'm sorry son," says the rabbi, "but I'm in
a terrible hurry."  "Just give my my change for the $20 I gave you and I'll
be on my way"

122 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

It seems I was far away from home one summer on an Army temporary assignment.
When the sun went down, like most soldiers, I began patrolling the town looking
for someone...er, something to do. It was a very small and dull town; I didn't
find much to speak of, save this one delapidated old drive in called, as luck
would have it, "The Tasty Freeze".

Pretty much considering the night a wash, I pulled in and ordered a cherry
coke and kicked back with a Lucky Strike. Not ten minutes later, I see this
absolute knock out of a girl drive up in a brand new Mercedes. I couldn't
believe my luck when she began smiling and moistening her lips. After a few
more tokes on the Lucky, I slipped out of my ride and ambled over to her car,
not believing my good fortune.

As I walked up in my very best James Dean fashion, I reached the car and
smiled before noticing that the Mercedes had HAND CONTROLS FOR THE BRAKE
AND ACELLERATOR AND THAT THE BABE WAS A DOUBLE AMPUTEE!

Oh no, I thought. Now I've really stepped in it. How to act nonchalant and
politically correct. I certainly didn't want to make her think the fact that
she had no legs was anything to frown about. Thinking fast, I started a nor-
mal conversation and tried not to stare downward. It was of no avail. She
read my mind.

"Would you like to F**K me?" she asked.

Shocked and lost for words, I stammered about. "Well....uh, no. I mean,
yeah, sure, but you see.....I never...."

"Whatsa matter, Sarge? Never made it with a double amputee? You think just
because I lost my legs in that car accident I lost my appetite for sex? Or
is it that you're just too good for me?"

Now I began to see the gravity of the real mess I'd gotten myself into. I
had committed myself.

"Tell you what. Pick me up at 112 Elm in 15 minutes, or I'll call the base
MP's and tell them you're harrassing me. My dad's a full bird Colonel and
he'll have your ass in the brig within the hour."

I swallowed hard. She wasn't really bad looking, but those legs. Or lack
thereof. I was there right on time.

I slowly ambled up to the gleaming front stoop; I rang the doorbell.

To my horror, the Colonel opened the door with a scowl. "What are your
intentions with my daughter?" This guy didn't waste anytime.

"Well, I thought I'd take her to a movie and then . . . you know, a coke
or something."

"Son, this girl is all I have in the world. I'd take it real personal if
you treated her disrespectful in anyway. You have her here no later than
22:30, or I'll have your ass!" he snarled. With that parting salvo, he
stepped behind the door and scooped the leering daughter up with his huge
tatooed hairy arms and carried her out and deposited her in the front seat
of my car.

Needless to say, she wouldn't settle for a movie. She went straight to the
point. "I'm ready big boy. Stop by the Walgreens for some 25-cent insurance
policies and I'll take it from there. And don't be getting any funny ideas.
Whatsa matter? Stumps turn you off."

"No 'mam."

Fifteen minutes later, she had me driving down a remote lovers lane. I
swallowed hard and shut off the engine. I was resigned to the task and
looked over at her. "OK...how're we gonna do this?" I stammered. "I guess
you probably know my now I've never made love to a double amputee. Just
tell me what to do." What the heck. Honesty is ok for a last resort.

"You see that oak tree over there?" she panted. "Just take me over there
and let me hang by that lowest limb...don't sweat it. My arms are like
steel." I complied.

"Ok...get my clothes off." She even one-armed it for the blouse to come
off. "Now the panties.."

To my surprise, it wasn't all that bad. She chinned that limb, she twisted
and groaned with the nubs going in all different directions. I glanced at
my watch after a great deal of time.

"Oh no. It's 23:15!" I shouted. "I gotta get you home! Your dad will kill
me!" She couldn't care less. "That's your problem, slick!"

I veered onto the main highway and finally screeched to a halt at the
curb in front of her house. My heart sank. The colonel was pacing
angrily on the sidewalk.

He reached into my open window and snatched the keys from the ignition.
Without a word, he strode around to the passenger side and again scooped
up his daughter. As he kicked the door closed behind him, he snarled.

"Wait here boy. Don't go ANYWHERE!"

I've never been so petrified in my life. I considered leaving the car and
just running for it, but before I could leave, he returned. It was the most
strange, heart-rending look I have ever seen. Tears welled up in the old
soldiers eyes.

"I'm sorry, sir....I just...."

"It's ok son. I don't want to hear it. I just...I just...I just want to
thank you for bringing my little girl home."

"What?????"

"Most guys would've just left her hanging there on that limb."

123 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a black man wearing a suit in a tree?
A: A branch manager.

Q: Whats the definition of confusion for a black child?
A: Fathers day.

Q: If tarzan and jane were both black who would be the smarter?
A: cheetah.

Q: What do you call pollock with a 124 IQ?
A: a village.

124 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the difference between a black and a car tire?
A: Tires don't sing when you put chains on them

125 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A gay man had not had any sex for quite some time. One night, he
happened to run into a wino just outside of a gay bar. He said to
him, "Look, I do not know you, and you don't know me, but if I can
have sex with you, I'll give you fifty bucks!" The wino considered
this proposition and said, "well---okay. But you ought to be
forewarned that I have crabs." "That's alright," said the gay
man...."I love seafood."

126 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   Judas Iscariot went into his local pub one evening. He was a bit of regular
and he, Jesus and the other eleven disciples usually popped in there for a beer
before hitting the clubs downtown. There in the corner was Jesus, with a beer
in front of him, looking a bit depressed. Judas walked over to him:
   "Hi Jesus, me old mucker. What's up?"
   "Fuck of and leave me alone", said Jesus.
   "Oh come on. You can tell me what's the matter."
   "Look, piss off Judas. I'm not in the mood, OK?"

   Judas shrugged and went up to the bar and ordered a pint. About 15 minutes
later John came in.
   "Hi Judas, how's it going?"
   "Ok, OK. Jesus is over there, and he's in a bit of a mood. He won't talk to
me, but why don't you see what's wrong."

   So John bought a pint and went over to Jesus' corner.
   "Alright mate. Is something wrong?"
   "Piss off. Just fuck off and leave me alone, OK?"
   "Alright, alright. Do you want another pint? That one's looking a bit
empty."
   "Just go away!"

   So John went back to Judas at the bar.
   "He wouldn't say a thing, but he's pretty depressed. He doesn't often swear
that much. He didn't even swear as much as that when he dropped those bottles
of Perrier at that party and had to replace them with that Liebfraumilch he'd
been hiding for later at the back of the fridge..."

   John and Judas stayed at the bar chatting and at about nine, Thomas and
David came in. They came up to the bar, ordered a couple of pints of best and
came over to John and Judas.
   "Alright lads? Hows it going tonight? Any talent in tonight?"
   "Haven't really looked", said John. "Jesus is over there in a right old
two and eight and he won't tell us what's wrong. He's onto his fifth pint
already, and you know he can't hold his drink too well."
   "We'll go and have a chat with him. Come on Dave."

  David and Thomas walked over to Jesus in the corner who was looking even
more depressed and pretty pissed.
   "Come on mate. What's wrong; you can tell us. Hey, what are friends for,
anyway, eh?", said David.
   "Oh for fuck's sake. What is it, a fucking double act? Why can't you all
piss of and bloody well leave me alone?"

David and Thomas went back to the bar where the rest of the disciples were
waiting. A couple more had arrived, and were lookin worried.
   "Any luck?"
   "Nah, nothing but abuse. Have you any idea what could be wrong with him?"
   "No"
   "Nah"
   "Nope"

   Well, the evening wore on and the rest of the disciples turned up in dribs
and drabs, but Jesus just sat in the corner getting more and more pissed. Just
before last orders, Peter came in and the disciples gathered round him.
   "Hey, Pete. You're his best mate. Have a chat with him. He's in a bad way."

Just then Jesus came up to the other end of the bar
   "Gizha pint uv lager, plzz".
Peter went up to him and steered him back to his chair.
   "Come on mate, I think you've had enough. Why don't you tell me what's
wrong, eh?"
   "Oh fuckin' 'ell, Peter. Do you know what it's like to be the Son of God?
A fuckin' nightmare, I can tell you!"
   "So what happened then?"
   "Well, last night I went down that new club near the Colisseum. I had a few
drinks and saw this crackin' bird on the dancefloor. So I gave her the eye
and I could tell she wanted it, know what I mean, mate?"
   "That doesn't sound too bad."
   "Nah, nah. Anyway, like, I went over to her and asked her for a dance, and
she said yes, so we hit the floor. It was a slow number 'n'all."
   "So what's wrong with that?"
   "Nothin', mate, nothin'. Let me finish. We were dancing and she was pushing
herself up against me. Christ, she was like a bitch on heat. At the end of the
song, I'd thought I'd try my luck, so I asked her if she wanted to come back
to my place. She said yes..."
   "Nice one! Sorted!"
   "When we got to my place, we were barely through the door and she started
taking off her kit. We got down to it right there in the hallway."
   "So why the fuck are you depressed? It sound's like you had a better night
than I did..."

   "Well, as soon as I got my hand on her twat, it fuckin' HEALED UP!"

127 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A very wealthy family went to a very famous but exquisite
restaurante to celebrate their first billion dollars.  They
ordered some food and waited a while.  The waiter arrived
shortly with the appetizers and some soup.  The waiter had his
finger inside the soup container and that seemed strange but they
thought it just part of the normal serving routine.  After a few
minutes he arrived with the main dish and again he had his finger
inside the food.  Mr. Jones, the head of the family made a point
to ask the waiter about that but didn't manage to ask him.  Finally,
at the end of the meal, the waiter brings some tea and, as usual, has
his finger inside the container. Mr Jones says:

Jones - Just wondering, why do you keep your finger inside every dish?
Waiter - I have this really infected sore on the tip of my finger and
the doctor told me to keep it some place warm.
Jones (irritated) -What a fuck!! Why don't get that finger and put it
up your ass?!!
Waiter(cooly) -That's usually what I do, but whenever I have to serve
someone I obviously can't keep it in there, so I just use the food to
keep it warm ....

128 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There is a nomad who has been wondering through the desert for two weeks and
has run out of water. He eventually comes to an oasis when is at the end of
his tether and drinks as much as he can. Feeling very refreshed he turns to
continue his journey and finds there is a camel tied to a palm tree with no
apparent owner, he looks around and decides to take the camel. On untying it
he feels a tremendous horny urge rush over him and realises that he hasn't
had a shag in two weeks. 'Heck' he thinks as he realises that his only chance
is with the camel he has just found. He removes his clothes and walks up
behind the camel, reaches forward to grab it and it steps away. He thinks this
is strange, but tries again, and the camel steps away. Realising that he is
probably wasting his time he gets on the camel and rides off into the desert.
    A week later he is again in desperate need of water and luckily he
comes across another oasis. He gets off his camel and drinks from the well.
After this realising he has now not had sex for three weeks, he tries removing
his clothes and approaching the camel once again, but the camel once again
steps away. 'Shit' he thinks, 'this camel is bloody one up on me'. After trying
again and again for fifteen minutes he eventually gives up and mounts the camel
instead (!) After a further week, he has almost given up hope when he comes
across yet another (but just as strategically placed !) oasis. This time he
drinks and finds that he is faced but a totally nude woman bathing next to the
well. He rubs his eyes and looks again, she has the best figure he has ever
seen and her body is perfectly tanned. Realising now that he hasn't had sex in
four weeks, he swallows deeply and approaches the woman, gathering all his
courage, he says:

'Look, I'm sorry to trouble you, but I haven't had sex in four weeks and I am
feeling tremendously horny. There's no-one around and I'm sure it won't take
long so...

Could you hold this camel still for me !!!'.

129 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This guy was stranded on a desert island with nothing but a dog
and a pig.  he had plenty of food, so he didn't want to eat
either of them.  but after a few weeks, that pig started to
look pretty good.  but the dog fought the guy off every time he
tried to get close to the pig.  finally, one day, after many
weeks and the guy was starting to lose control, a woman was out
navigating a boat by herself when she ran into trouble off the
coast of the man's island.  she was drowning, so he swam out
and saved her.  when they got back to shore, she looked at him
with a seductive eye and said she'd do *anything* for him
because he saved her life.  the guy thought it over for a
minute and said, "well, you can start by taking that damn dog
for a walk!"

130 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Objoke:   Two Nun's arrive back at the Convent very late one night, and
find that all the gates are locked and barred.  Not knowing what to do they
sit down and have a little think about it.  After a few minutes the first
Nun says "I know lets go round the back, climb the tree that overhangs the
wall and drop off the overhanging branches into the Convent". The other Nun
agrees to this, so they make their way round the back of the Convent and
start to climb the tree.  They are both climbing the tree when the second
Nun says to the first one.  "Doing this make's me feel like a Commando". To
which the first Nun says "yea, but where the hell do you think your going
to find one at this time of night".

131 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Early Christmas morning, Billy and Hillary(ous) get up and look out
their big picture window at the snow covered lawn of the white house.
But, much to the Prez's surprise, somebody has written in the snow
with urine.  They rush out to find that it says, in rather large letters,
"BILL SUCKS!".
    Mr. Prez is _OUT-RAGED_! He sends for all of the top agents from the
CIA, FBI, and Secret Service to come and analyze the message.  They quickly
form a commitee and work with lightning speed to find the culprit.
    About 5 hours later, the head of the FBI comes to the oval
office to inform the president of the commitees findings.  "I've got
some good news and some bad news, Mr. president..." says the Agent.
    "Give me the good news..."
    "well Mr. President, We analyzeed the urine, and it is a 100% positive
match to the Vice-President."
    "That's not good news! That's horrible!  If that _is_ the good
news, what is the bad news?"
    "well Mr. President, we analyzed the hand writting, and it is
Hillary's."

132 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day Oliee and Sven decide to take a helicopter ride.
So they go to the airfield and Oliee decides to go first.
So he gives Sven a radio to talk to Oliee while Oliee is in
the air.
The helicopter goes up to 5,000 ft. and Swen asks Oliee "How is it
up there?" and Oliee goes "Oh beutiful, beutiful!"
The helicopter goes up to 10,000 ft. and Swen again asks Oliee "How is
it up there?" and Oliee again goes "Oh beutiful, beutiful!"
The helicopter goes up to 15,000 ft. and Swen asks Oliee "How is it up
there?" and Oliee goes "Oh beutiful, beutiful!"
All of a sudden the helicopter stops climbing and drops to the ground in
a horrible crash.
Swen goes to the crash sight and asks Oliee "What happened?  I thought
everything was going okey."
Oliee goes to Swen "It was, but when we got up to 15,000 ft. it was starting
to get chilly.  So I shut off the overhead fan."

133 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

  A mother was washing dishes one day when she heard a loud commotion
from outside.  She ran out, and saw her eight-year-old son, Billy
chasing their pet cat with the pet's water dish.  The mother called
to Billy, and when Billy came, she noticed that the water dish was
full of beer.
  "Why are you chasing the cat with a dish full of beer? she asked.
  "I have to get the cat drunk," Billy said.
  "Whatever on earth for?" replied the mother.
  "Because," Billy answered, "I heard daddy talking to the neighbor
Mr. Jones last night, and he said he'd pay $100 for a tight pussy."

134 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are two guys playing raquetball at the YMCA, a skinny guy and a
REALLY fat guy.  When through playing they go to take a shower.  While in
the shower the skinny guy looks at the fat guy and says,"Your so fat I bet
you can't even see your dick."  The fat guy says,"Yeah, your right."  So
the skinny guy says,"Why don't you diet?"  The fat guy replies, "Well what
color is it now?"

135 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two women are sitting on a park bench smoking.  It starts to rain.  The
first woman's cigarette gets soggy and burns out.  The second, however,
unraveled a condom, put it over the cigarette, and it stayed dry.  The
first woman, liking this idea, runs out to the nearest Mac's store to buy
a condom.  The cashier asks her "What size?"
          "Oh, one big enough to fit a camel"

136 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q : What do a clitoris, a toilet seat and anniversaries have in common?
A : Men forget about all of them.

Q : How many male chauvinists does it take to tile a bathroom?
A : It depends on how thinly you slice them.

Q: what is hard, pink 40 centmeters long and 5 centmeters wide?
A: nothing, if it was that big it would be black

137 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

So there's a pitcher at a minor league baseball game, he can't
concentrate on the game, though, because there's a really gorgeous
woman sitting in the stands. She's wearing a mini-skirt, and her legs
are spread just enough that he can see a hint of black at the junction
of her thighs. The catcher goes up to him and says, "What's the problem
man?" The pitcher says,
"See that chick up there - go find out if that's bush or panties that
I'm seeing." So the catcher goes up into the stands to investigate, and
after looking, runs into the locker room, clutching at his stomach. The
pitcher thinks, "What the fuck?" and sends his first baseman up to
look. The first baseman looks and he, too, runs into the locker room
clutching at his stomach. By this time, the pitcher is exasperated, and
he sends his right fielder up to look.
"Bush or panties man, that's all I want to know," he tells the right
fielder. So the right fielder goes up into the stands and comes
stumbling back onto the field, struggling to keep from vomiting. "So
what was it man? Panties or bush?"

"Flies."

138 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A preist was walking in a city park one day when he happened upon an
absolutely beautiful little girl and her dog sitting under a tree. The
little girl was all dressed in white and looked like a complete angel.
The priest asked her, "What's your name little girl?" She replied,
"Blossom."
"Oh, that's a nice name, how'd you get it?"
"Well, when I was i my mommy's tummy, she was sitting under this tree
when a blossom fell and landed right on her tummy. So she said it was a
sign from God and named me Blossom."
"Well, that's very sweet Blossom. What's your dog's name?"
"Porky."
"Oh, why's that?" the priest asked.
"Cause he likes to fuck pigs."

139 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There once was this old woman who had never gotten any.  Anyway,
one day she decides that she wants to try it at least once before
she dies so she goes to a voodoo shop and buys a voodoo dick.
The head witch of the shop tells her that the voodoo dick has two
commands:  Voodoo dick in! and Voodoo dick out!
So that night the old woman was laying in bed and takes down the
voodoo dick and says "Voodoo dick in!" it feels great but she is
having so much fun that she can't remember how to get it out.
So the next day, she is driving out to the voodoo shop with the
dick still in.  She drives too slow and is stopped by a cop.
    "What's that bulge in your pants, lady?" the cop asked.
    "It's a voodoo dick."
    "A what??"
    "A voodoo dick"
    "Voodoo dick my ass!!"

140 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the difference between a German Backpacker and a British BackPacker?
A: About twenty metres of state forest.

Q: In order to Austarlia, what do foreign backpackers need in addition to a
   passport?
A: Dental Records

141 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 This Jewish couple from New York always goes to the Holy Land for the
witner holidays. They have taken all of the organized tours at least twice:
the wailing wall tour, the high oly spots tour,  even the many
minaret and mosque tour. They feel quite capable of going to Israel
with out the added expense of a tour guide.

It is December 24th and our couple is in their rented caddilac driving
in the Negev and they stop to enjoy the view, the peace and quiet.suddenly they notice a spec on the horizon. It is moving towards them. As the spec
comes closer they relize that it is a man waiving frantically. Closer,
he is leading a donkey. Closer, the donkey has a passenger. Closer,
the passanger is a woman and she is pregnant.

The man says," Wow am I glad to see you. My wife is pregnant and we need
to get to Bethlehem. Can you give us a ride?"

The couple, as you can imagine, is speachless.

The man says,"Sorry to be so rude. THis is going to be my first kid. I'm
Joseph and this is my wife Mary. She's due tomorrow. Can you please
give us a ride to Bethelem? I don't think the donkey is going to make it.

The Jewish man tries to regain his senses and says, "Let me get this
straight. You are JOseph and this is you wife Mary. You are expecting
your first born on December 25th in Bethlehem."

Joseph says " Ya, ya."

The Jewish man says," Tell me if your first born is a boy will you name
him Jesus Christ?"

Joseph says, "What do you think we are, Pureto Rican?"

142 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a
divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said
"Yeah, I want to get one of them dayvorce's." The attorney said,
"Well, do you have any grounds?" The farmer said "Yeah, I got
about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand;
do you have a case? The farmer said, " No, I don't have a Case
but I have  John Deere." The attorney said, "No, you don't
understand; do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yeah, I got
a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said,
"No, Sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said "Yes sir, I
got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays." The attorney said,
"Well, Sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer
said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." The attorney then
said, "Well, is she a nagger or anything?" The farmer said, "No,
she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and
that's why I want this Dayvorce!"

143 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   A man was driving along a road when he saw a poor nun walking alone.
Out of his good nature the man picked her up.
   While in the back seat the man and her carried on a conversation. He
asked the nun how hard it really was to avoid sexual activity. She responded
by telling him that she actually was involved sexually with Catholics quite
often.
   The man seeing a chance to get some responded by telling her he was
Catholic and had often dreamt of getting head from a holy woman. The nun
seemed exicited and asked the man to pull over where she proceeded to give
him the best blow job he ever had.
   They continued driving when the man couldn't live with the guilt any
longer.
  "You know, that was the best blow job I've ever had, but I lied
to you. I'm actually not Catholic, I'm Baptist", the man said under his
breath.
  "That's okay, I lied to you too. My name's Frank, and I'm on my
way to a costume party."

144 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A farmer goes into his barn one day to check up on his bull and donkey.
He is alarmed when he discovers that the bull has a hard on as long as
his arm.  Thinking that the bull may fuck the donkey, the farmer starts
to kick the bull on the balls for about 10 minutes in order to get him
soft again.  Alas, no success.  The farmer then gets a bucket of ice cold
water and throws it all over the bull.  He proceeds to do this for a half
hour to get the bull soft again to no avail.  So the farmer tries all he
can throughout the day to get the bull soft again but he fails every time.

The farmer has to get to bed for he is tired so he gets a bedsheet from his
bed and covers the donkey's body with it.  The farmer leaves the barn and
goes to bed.  The next morning he goes in the barn to check on his animals.
He sees that the bull lost his perpetual hard on and smiling at the farmer
with satisfaction.  The farmer looks around the barn but he can't find the
donkey anywhere.  He searches frantically for the donkey, but is met with
no success.  He runs down the road for a mile searching and meets a man.
"Excuse me sir," the farmer asks, "did you see a donkey running around with
a bedsheet over him?"  The man scratches his head and says, "No, but I saw a
donkey running past me with a handkerchief up his ass!"

145 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was once a guy who needed to get fucked really hard.  He went to the firs
t whore that he found on the street and asked her "how much baby." She responde
d that she would do him for free if his dick was 20 feet long.  The man only ha
d a 8 inch penis at the time so he asked "how can i make it bigger."  She told
him to beat off and stretch it out for a week.  the man did, but his dick was s
till only 1 foot and half long, so he then tied it to a door knob and slammed t
he door for a while.  He got his penis to be 6 feet long, bbut still that was n
ot enough.  So he went to the top of his apartment building, tied his dick to t
he storm drain and then jumped off the side.  His dick became 21 feet long so h
he called the whore and told her "I'm ready to get fucked baby."  She gavve him
 her address and told him to rush over.  the man's dick was so long however tha
t he had to wrapp it up around his chest and neck 6 times and put on a turtle n
eck sweater.  When he finally got to the whore's room he opened the door and fo
und her a wet and naked aching for a hard fuck.  So he got a hard on and strang
led himself.

146 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    There were these 2 black men walking through a Carnival.
    They came up to this sign said, we turn Blacks into Whites $1.
    They look at each other, and 1 comments "I would have it made if
    was white, a job, everything!"
    So, they start searching their pockets for money.
    One comes up with .95 cents and the other 1.05 dollars.
    The one with $1.05 say's to the other, "I teel you what, I will
    go in and see if it works, if it does I'll loan you the nickel?"
    The second guy agrees, and the other guy goes in and axe's if
    they can make him white, and gives them a dollar.
    Well a few minutes later the guy comes out WHITE, his friend
    can't believe his eye's!  He looks at his buddy and say's "Can
    I borrow that Nickel?"  His buddy looks back at him and say's
    "Get a job Nigger!"

147 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Whats 60 feet long and stinks of Piss ?
A: A conga in an old peoples home

148 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Aggie was sitting at a bar, talking to this _gorgeous_ lady.  He bought her
a couple of drinks, and thought that everything was going quite well.
After a while, the lady got up to leave.  He said, "Wait! What's the problem?  I
thought everything was going great!  Why don't we go back to your place, or we
can go to mine?!?!"
She said, "I'm sorry, but I'm on my menstral cycle."
His reply: "That's okay, I'll follow you on my Honda!!"

149 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

One fall there were a bunch of Americans on a bus tour of the great Canadian
North.  All of the sudden, they rounded a bend, and an indian stood in the
middle of the road.  The bus driver slammed on the brakes, grabbed his rifle
from under the seat, and was out the door in a flash.  After 2 gunshots, the
indian lay dead on the pavement.  The Americans thought this was absolutely
awful, and asked the bus driver why on earth he would should an indian.  They
were very surprised when he told them that it was indian season.  In the
Canadian north, they were treated just like wild animals, and were a trophy
for hunters.  Well, upon hearing that, the Americans changed their tune, and
decided that they would like to go indian hunting.  That evening, they made
hunting plans for the next day, including renting a jeep and some firearms.
Well, the next morning they headed off indian hunting, making a quick stop
at the liquor store on the way out of twon.  When they got to a deserted es
wooded area, they parked the jeep at the side of the road, and started
wandering through the bush in search of an indian.  Well, they wandered all
around all day, and didn't see a single indian.  Feeling dejected, they
walked back toward their jeep.  As they approached, they could not believe
their eyes.  Sitting in their jeep were half a dozen indians, drinking all
their booze.  Well, after a few well placed shots by two of the americans,
all 6 of the indians lay dead.  All of a sudden, a Fish and game officer
drove up, his lights flashing.  He jumped out of his truck, and arrested the
two Americans who had just shot the indians.  They could not believe what
was happening, as they didn't think they had done anything wrong.  They asked
the officer if it was open season for indians, and if so, what had they done wrong?  He replied of course its open season, but you're not allowed to bait
them!

150 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

In a case of statutory rape, an attorney put his client on the
stand (apparently without preparation)! The questioning went as
follows:

   Q: So on the night in question, did you and the defendant
      there have intercourse?
   A: No.
   Q: Well, did he fondle you in any way?
   A: No.
   Q: Well, did he put any of his private parts next to your
      private parts?
   A: No.
   Q: [experated] Well, what DID you do?
   A: We f**cked.

Case dismissed.

151 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day President Clinton and Al Gore were jogging along and Bill turns
to Al and says, 'Al, all the pages have been talking about how well
endowed you are...and quite frankly my prick isn't very big at all...how
did yours get so big?'.  Al tells Clinton that every night before he
goes to sleep that he beats his dick up against the bedpost and that's
his secret for being so big.  Later that night, Clinton heads to bed and
Hillary is already asleep so he figures what the hell and begins to slap
his meat against the bedpost.  After about five hits, Hillary wakes up
and asks, 'Al is that you?'

152 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

So there's a Polish scientist doing research on frogs. He places a frog
on the lab bench in front of him and yells, "Jump!" into the frogs ear.
The frog jumps obediently. The scientist then takes a scalpel and
amputates one of the frog's legs. He yells, "Jump!" the frog manages a
decent hop. So the scientist takes the scalpel and amputates a second
limb. He then yells again, "Jump!" The frog manages to slide itself a
few inches. So the scientist grabs the scalpel and amputates a third
limb. He then yells, "Jump!" to the frog, which manages a small twitch.
So the scientist takes the scalpel and amputates the last of the frog's
limbs, leaving a bloody frog torso. "Jump!" he yells. Nothing from the
frog. "Jump!!!!" he yells again. Still no response from the frog.
"JUMP!!!!!!!!!" he bellows in the poor frog's ear. Still not even a
twitch from the frog. The scientist then writes in his journal, "It is
observed that when all limbs are amputated, the frog goes deaf."

153 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do cop cars have one blue and one red light?
A: So the cops know which side of the car to get out of!

154 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q:  What's the difference between John Bobbitt and a hot dog?
A:  About six inches.

155 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How did Captain Hook die?
A: Jock Itch

156 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This little boy takes his dog to the movies, to see Watership Down (the one with
all the cute little bunnies). During the movie the dog just sat there quietly
watching the film. After it was over the usherette came up to the little boy
and said
"I was very surprised to see your dog sit there and enjoy the movie like that"
and the little boy said
"So was I"
"Oh" said the usherette "why is that ?"
"Because" said the little boy "he didn't enjoy the book at all".

157 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: what is old, fat, hairy and hangs out your underpants?
A: your mother ....

158 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a Gay Jewish Male?
A: A Heblew...

Q; What do you call a gay Irishman?
A: A Gaylick

159 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Desiree Washington went to visit Mike TYson in jail. She said to Mike,
"Look, Mikey, I got some good news and some bad news, which do you want to
hear first?"

Tyson says, "Bitch, give me the good news first!"
So Desiree says, "Well Mike, the good news is your dick is bigger than
Magic's..."

160 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her
fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for
sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.
Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of
sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."
"Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
"My momma had a baby," said little Esther.
"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
Finally Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation,
the teacher calls on him.
"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was
surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of indians. And they all attacked at
one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do
with sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."

161 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   It's about a boy who has lived in the coty all his life - and has no
  idea about farm life. He's sent to his grandpa, to work in his farm,
  because his parents want him to know something about "real life".
   Well, the boy arrives there, eats a large welcoming meal, and then
  his grandpa begins to give him some work to do.

  -- "Well, son, first you could milk me cows. You can find them in the
      shed outside", grandpa said and gave the boy a bucket - and nudged
      him outside.

   The boy had no idea, what a cow might be. He'd seen some pictures of
  them in older milk cartons. He stumbled around awhile, and then
  entered the neareds building.
   Fifteen minutes later, he came back to the living room, exhausted,
  winded, and sweating all over. The bucket was almost empty. After
  regaining his composure, he started to explain:

   -- "Whew, I've seen a real cow! Now I really understand the harshness
      of farm life. Anyway, I found 'er udders, and started milking. The
      udder just didn't look the way I remembered... anyway, it yielded
      no milk. I milked a little harder, and suddenly the cow made a
      loud moo, and some milk poured out. But, the heck, does milk really
      taste like this before pasteurization?"

   Grandpa was dumb-founded.

   -- "Oh my bloody goodness! My son, you have milked my stud-bull!!"

162 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why does a man have one more brain cell than a dog?
A: So he doesn't hump your leg while he's dancing with you!

163 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This guy was standing at a urinal lettin' the beer pass through when up
walks a leprichaun who starts pissin'at the next one.
The guy tries to sustain from looking but couldn't help it, He cops a
peek at this three foot high little dudes' Dick. "Oh my GOD" the man
yells. "How the fuck did you get a dick that big?!!!". The Leprechaun
smiles sort of slylike and says " I am a Leprechaun, Sir, I can have
what ever I want". The man, in complete shock, can't take his eyes off
this 18 inch cock. "Do you think you could give me an 18 inch dick?" the
man asks. "Why sure",says the Leprechaun, " I can give you three wishes
if you do me one favor." The guy starts thinking about how his buddies
will be imprest with his new monster dong that he impatiently asks the
Leprechaun if he can have his three wishes first and then do the favor.
" Well what do you want?" asked the Leprechaun.
" I want 10 million dollars, 3 Beautiful blondes in my bed when I get
home, and an 18 inch dick." said the man.
" O.k., When you get home there will be 10 Million dollars under your
bed, 3 Beautiful Blondes in your bed, and you will have an 18 inch
dick." Laughed the Leprechaun.
" But you still owe me that favor or your wishes will not come true."
"O.k." the man said "But what is it you want me to do?"
"It's Pretty hard for me to get a chic to have sex with me as I am only
three feet tall and I have an 18 inch dick " said the Leprechaun.
"Yeah." said the man.
"So" said the Leprechaun " I want you to have sex with me!"
Now as you could expect anyone would do this little favor.......
10 million dollars........3 babes........an 18 inch dick........
"Sure...O.K. " said the man.
After about 10 minutes of some hard anal slamming the Leprechaun pulls
his 18 inch cock out of the man in an awsome cum-plosion, as blood runs
down the mans legs.
"Why are you laughing so hard ?" the man asked as his legs trembled
beneath him.

"How old are you, son?" the Leprechaun asked him.
"I am 25 years old." the man replied.
The Leprechaun, Laughing hystericaly, says"25 years old and you still
believe in Leprechauns!!!!!!"

164 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

  Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode into
a saloon. He saddled up to the bar, ordered shot and a beer, and settled
back to enjoy his refreshment. Suddenly, a man galloped into the bar,
shouting,"Run for your lives! Big Mike's comin'!
  The drifter watched as most of the locals bolted for the door.
Suddenly,the bar doors burst open. An enormous man, standing eight feet
tall and weighing at least 400 pounds, rode in on a bull. Grabbing the
drifter by the ankle, he tossed him over the bar and thundered, "Gimme a
drink!"
  The terrified fellow handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
guzzled in a single gulp and then shattered on the bar. The drifter stood
aghast as the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched the
broken glass and smacked his lips with relish.
  "Can I, ah, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
  "Naw, I gotta git," the man grunted. "Big Mike's comin'."

165 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Whats pink and has 7 dints in it??
A: Snow Whites clit!!!

166 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

  A passanger plane just after take-off. The captain has switched on his
 mike and is speaking to the passangers:

 - This is captain Jones speaking. I welcome you aboard this plane.
   We will be flying at an altitude of 10000 meters and ... (the usual
   crap follows). I hope you will enjoy the flight.

 He finished, but he forgot to switch the mike off. Now he is talking
 to the co-pilot:

 - Alright Fred, we'll have a coffee now and then we'll fuck the
   stewardess.

 At that moment the stewardess was amongst the passangers. She heard what
 was being said through the mike and she blushed :-). She started to run
 to the cockpit to tell the captain to switch the mike off. Unfortunately
 one of the passangers put his foot out into the isle and tripped her up.
 He said:

 - Why are you in such a hurry, bitch. He said they'll have a coffee first!

167 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you separate the men from the boys in the catholic church?
A: With a crowbar.

168 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: why did god give marines one more brain cell than a horse?
A: so they wouldn't shit in the parades.

169 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 First Man: My dog is so smart. I have him toilet trained. He sits on the
            toilet-seat and when he has finished, he actually flushes the
            toilet.
Second Man: Really!
 First Man: Yep, he also fetches the paper and then reads it to me.
Second Man: Wow!
 First Man: Starting with my favorite, the sport section first...
Second Man: That's amazing!
 First Man: The other day, when our Hot-Water-System broke down, he picked
            up the phone and called a Hot-Water-System service.
Second Man: Awesome!
 Fisrt Man: A repair-man came the same day.
Second Man: Nah, I don't believe that!!

170 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you find in the glove box of a lada?
A: A bus timetable

171 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Did you hear that MacDonalds is coming out with the MacJackson sandwich?
A: It's a 4 inch weiner between 12 year old buns.

172 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why is it so stressful to have David Koresh's job?
A: The burnout rate is very high.

Q: What did the whore say right when Koresh was about to cum?
A: Hold your FIRE!!

Q: Why should we stop making David Koresh jokes?
A: Because they're so INFLAMMATORY!!!

173 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day a Polish father decides to take his son ice fishing. So they
head out onto the ice with all their gear and they find a nice spot. So
the father takes out his pickaxe (or whatever you use to dig holes in
the ice) and starts chipping away. They hear a loud, booming voice say,
"THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!" The father, astonished, looks at his boy and
says, "Hear that? It's the fish gods!" So they move a little ways down
the ice and start digging again. Soon they hear the voice again, "THERE
ARE NO FISH HERE!!" The father says to his son, "See? The fish gods are
being good to us - we should move to find the fish." So they move a
little ways down the ice again and, once more, start digging. The voice
booms once more,

"THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER. THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!!!"

174 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

So the teacher is instructing all her second grade pupils on three
syllable words. She asks for volunteers to give a three syllable word
and use it in a sentence. The teacher calls on Susy. "BEAUTIFUL. My
teacher is beautiful," Susy says.
"Very good!" says the teacher. She then calls on Melissa.
"WONDERFUL. My teacher is wonderful," she says.
"Excellent!" says the teacher. She sees that Little Dirty Johnny has
had his hand up for some time, so with no little amount of trepidation,
she calls on him.
"URINATE!" Johnny says.
"JOHHNY!!!" says the teacher, shocked.
"Urinate, but if your tits were bigger, you'd be a ten!"

175 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This guy goes into the hospital, okay?  His wife's just had a baby and he
can't wait to see them both.
So, he meets the Doctor and he says:
  "Oh Doc, I've been so worried. How are they?"
And the doctor smiles and says:
  "They're fine, just fine. Your wife's delivered a healthy baby boy and
   they're both in tip form!"
  "You're one lucky guy!"
So the guy rushes into the maternity ward with his flowers...But it's empty...
His wife's bed is empty...
  "Doc?"
He says and turns around and the doctor and all the nurses wave their arms
and scream in his face:

APRIL FOOL! YOUR WIFE'S DEAD AND THE BABY'S A SPASTIC!!!

176 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A swede, a norwegian, and a fin all worked on the same high-rise
skyscraper construction site.  The swede looked in his lunch pail and said
"tuna fish!  Yuk, I hate tuna.  The norwegian looked in his lunch pail and also
exclamed "Tuna fish?  Yuk! I hate tuna!"  The fin then looked in his lunch pail
and exclaimed "Tuna fish?  Yuk!  I yust HATE Tuna!!  So they didn't eat that
day.
    The next day, all three looked in their lunch pails, and to their
horror, they discovered tuna fish sandwiches again.  The swede exclaimed, "If
there is a tuna fish sandwich in my lunch pail tomorrow, I will fling myself
off of this building! The norwegian and the fin promised the same thing.
    The next day, the swede looked in his lunch pail and said "UFF DA!
Herring sandwich!!!  The norwegian looked in his lunch pail and saw lutefisk.
"My wife finally got it right, yust in the knick of time!!" exclaimed the
norwegian.  The fin looked in his lunch and saw tuna fish, so he flung himself
off of the building.
    The next day, at the fin's wake, the swede and the norwegian stopped by
an saw his wife.  They went over and said "We really liked him.  He was a good
pal."  To which the wife said, "Ya, and he was considerate, too.  He even
packed his own lunch!

177 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: did you know Diarohea is hereditary???
A: it runs in your genes. (jeans)

178 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's this Aussie with some friends out from France visiting him.  He's
dabbled a bit with French and wants to use this opportunity to get the hang
of some French idioms---the particular one he has in mind is `sang froid'
[pronounce `sung fwah'], which translates as `cold blood' and is used to
mean absolute nervelessness or ultimate detachment.  But he wants to hear
the French view.

`Can you blokes tell me what sang froid means?', he says.

`Hmm', says the first frog.  `Well, it is a little hard to explain.
Perhaps, you will permit me to give you the example and you will see.
Picture, if you will, the man at the office.  He has left some papers
at home on the dresser table in the bedroom.  When he gets home and opens
the door to the bedroom, what does he see?  There in the bed is the wife
with the lover!  What does he do?  He simply closes the door and leaves
undetected---that is sang froid!'

The second frenchie pipes up now.
`Hmm.  Close, but if you permit me to extend your example I will show what
sang froid means.  The same man comes back for the papers.  What does he
find but the wife in bed with the lover.  The man says `excuse me, I have
just come for the papers, I will not be long, please continue.'---that is
sang froid.'

The last Frenchman is contemplative.
He says, `You are so close, but you have not quite captured the essence of
it.  Permit me to extend the example again.  The man returns for
the papers, finds the wife in bed with the lover and says ``excuse me, I
have just come for the papers, I will not be long, please continue.'
If the lover then CAN continue---THAT is sang froid!'

179 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man and woman got married and were going to their honeymoon suite in the
mountains, but they were both so horny that they couldn't wait.  So the man
said "What we can do is get under the car and have sex.  If someone comes by,
we'll tell them we're working on the muffler."  After twenty minutes or so,
an old man stops and asks them if they need any help.  When they replied that
they were just "working on the muffler" the old man said "You need to work
on your brakes, too, because your car is about 30 feet in front of you."

180 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This English WWII pilot get captured behind enemy lines and is seriously
wounded. The German meds decide they must amputate his left leg. The pilot
is understandably disturbed by this and in a fit of homesickness he asks that
his amputated leg be dropped above his base in England. The Germans agree out
of respect for a fellow pilot. Weeks later his condition worsens and they
break the news that he will have to lose his other leg. Again he asks for
it to be dropped over his home base. Predictably after a few more weeks they
come again with the news that his gangrenous left arm must be amputated. Tear
stricken he asks again for it to be deposited over English soil.
    "Naine (sp?) this ve cannot do", say his captors.
    "Why not?", he sniffles.
    "Ve think you are trying to escape!"

181 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   During the International Vampire Convention, a German, an English,
  and a French vampire made good friends. They decided to go and have
  a good drink in a nearby bar.

   - "Give me a glass of finest blood", ordered the French vampire.
   - "I want a jug of well-brewed blood", said the German vampire.
   - "Just a cup of hot water for me", the English vampire said.

   The other two were dumbfounded. "What the heck, a cup of hot water!?"
  Then, the English vampire took a used tampoon from his pocket and
  said:

   - "It's teatime!"

182 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   A Swedish, a Norwegian, and a Finnish chain smoker were having a good
  smoke in the Swede's place. They were sitting around a round table,
  playing poker. The air was filled with smoke. In the middle of the
  table, there was a worn spittoon, filled with bloody, tarry and
  withering mucus, coughed out by them during the last few hours.
  They finally got a little bored, so the Swede implied:
   - Hey everybody, let's have a bet which of us is the toughest! The
  one who can drink all the contents of that spittoon will win the bet!
   The other two didn't want to give out a wimpy impression, so they
  agreed. The Norwegian decided to give it a try. He lifted the steaming
  pot to his lips, and slowly, shaking with disgust, began to drink.
  After drinking one third of it, he couldn't stand it anymore, and
  puked it all back into the spittoon.
   The Swede looked at him down his nose, and grabbed the bowl (along
  with the puke). He nonchalanly lifted the bowl and began to drank.
  After swallowing two thirds of it, disgust overtook him, and he puked
  it all back into the spittoon.
   It was the Finn's turn. He looked nervously at the Swede and the
  Norwegian, who were looking back demandingly. The Finn shrugged, and
  took the bowl. And began to drink. And - he managed to drink it all!
  Shaking with disgust, he slammed the bowl back on the table and took
  the betting money. The other two were amazed.
   -- "How were you able to drink all that!?"
   The Finn looked very troubled, indeed. He said:
   -- "I didn't WANT to drink it all, but there was such a thick and
   sticky blob of slime there, that I just couldn't bite it in half!!"

183 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A young girl had just gotten her drivers license and wanted to take
the car out on the town so she asked her father if she could.  He replied,"
Well, if you give me a blowjob I suppose I'll let you."
    "Daddy!" she exclaimed.  "No!"  After considering for a few more
moments she finally gave in and began.
    Halfway through she looked up and said,"Daddy, this tastes like
shit!"
    "Oh yeah," he replied, "that reminds me - your brother has the car."


From aus.jokes Thu May 12 08:40:43 1994
Path: werple.apana.org.au!yarrina.connect.com.au!harbinger.cc.monash.edu.au!merlin!mel.dit.csiro.au!etrog.se.citri.EDU.AU!jaguar.catt.citri.edu.au!jck
~From: [e-mail] (Justin Kibell)
~Newsgroups: aus.jokes
~Subject: Dirty Jokes II - [2 of 5]
~Date: 4 May 1994 00:33:33 GMT
Organization: CATT Centre at CITRI
~Lines: 3000
~Sender: jck@jaguar (Justin Kibell)
Distribution: world
Message-ID: <2q6qgt$[e-mail]>
NNTP-Posting-Host: jaguar.catt.citri.edu.au


184 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes
--------------------------------

     Q:   How do blonde braincells die ?
     A:   Alone.

     Q:   How do you brainwash a blonde?
     A:   Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

     Q:   How do you change a blonde's mind?
    A1:   Blow in her ear.
    A2:   Buy her another beer.

     Q:   How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
     A:   Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

     Q:   How does a blonde kill a fish?
     A:   She drowns it.

     Q:   A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal
          her window seat?
     A:   Tell her the seats that are going to London are
          all in the middle row.

     Q:   How do you know a blond likes you?
     A:   She screws you two nights in a row.

     Q:   What do you call a blonde on a waterbed?
     A:   Cherry Float

     Q:   What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
     A:   An air bag.

     Q:   What nickname is most used by blondes in order to boost
          their popularity?
     A:   B.J.  (Stands for: Blo_ Jo_)

     Q:   Why are blonde's coffins Y-shaped?
     A:   Because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open.

     Q:   Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
     A:   To avoid the draft.

     Q:   Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
     A:   They have to pull their own pants down.

     Q:   Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
     A:   It's too hard to re-train them.

     Q:   What do blondes do for foreplay?
     A:   Remove their underwear.

     Q:   What do blonde virgins eat?
     A:   Baby food.

     Q:   What's the mating call of the blonde?
     A:   "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

     Q:   What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
     A:   (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

     Q:   What's the mating call of the brunette?
     A1:  "All the blondes have gone home!"
     A2:  Has that blonde gone yet?
     A3:  When is that blond bitch going to leave!?

     Q:   What's the mating call of the redhead?
     A:   "Next!"

     Q:   How do you make a blonde laugh on
          Saturday?
     A:   Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

     Q:   What is the blonde doing when she holds
          her hands tightly over her ears?
     A:   Trying to hold on to a thought.

     Q:   Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange
          juice can for 2 hours?
     A:   Because it said 'concentrate'.

     Q:   Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
     A:   She heard that the drinks were on the house.

     Q:   Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
     A:   They don't know the route.
     Q:   Why do blondes work seven days a week?
     A:   So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

     Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
     A:   It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

     Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
     A:   When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around
          for two weeks whining.

     Q:   What is foreplay for a blonde?
     A:   Thirty minutes of begging.

     Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
     A:   Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

     Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
    A1:   You need a quarter to use the phone.
    A2:   Only one person can use the phone at once.

     Q:   How does a blonde commit suicide?
     A:   She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

     Q:   How do you plant dope?
     A:   Bury a blonde.

     Q:   Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses?
     A:   Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.

     Q:   How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
     A:   Wave to her.

     Q:   How does the blond turn on the light after she
          has had sex?
     A:   She opens the car door.

     Q:   How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
     A:   Shine a torch in her ears.

     Q:   How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
     A:   She says, "Next".

     Q:   How does a blonde like her eggs?
     A:   Unfertilized.

     Q:   How do you drown a blond?
     A:   Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

     Q:   How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling
          idiots?
     A:   Flattered.

     Q:   What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
     A:   A know-it-all bitch.

     Q:   What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
     A:   One that never misses a period.

     Q:   What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
     A:   An Italian suppository.

     Q:   What is every blonde's ambition in life?
     A:   To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

     Q:   What did the blonde do when she heard the British were
          coming?
     A:   She stopped sucking.

     Q:   What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
     A:   You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

     Q:   What does a blond say during a porno?
     A:   There I am!!

     Q:   How is having sex with a blonde and
          eating Jell-o alike?
     A:   They both wiggle when you eat'em.

     Q:   What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
     A:   I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.

     Q:   What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
     A:   Her feet!

     Q:   How is a blonde like a frying pan?
     A:   You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.
     Q:   How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
     A:   A 69 interrupted by a period.

     Q:   How do you confuse a blonde?
     A:   You don't. They're born that way.

     Q:   Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
     A:   They're too hard to peel.

     Q:   How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate
          chip cookies?
     A:   You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

     Q:   What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
     A:   Proofreading.

     Q:   Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
     A:   For throwing out all the W's.

     Q:   Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
     A:   Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little
          packet.

     Q:   What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
     A:   Way to go team!

     Q:   How do you keep a blonde busy?
     A:   Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

     Q:   What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?"
     A:   "No, I just lie there."

     Q:   What's the first thing a blonde says in the morning?
     A:   "Thanks, guys..."

     Q:   What's brown and red and black and blue?
     A:   A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.

     Q:   Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
     A:   She found out Big Ben is only a clock.

     Q:   Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
     A:   They always forget the recipe.

     Q:   Why do blonde's find it difficult to marry?
     A:   Because you don't have to marry them to have sex with them!

     Q:   Did you hear about the scared blonde nurse down by the water?
     A:   She won't go DOWN ON THE DOC.

     Q:   Did you hear about the blond that was treated at the emergency
          room for a concussion and severe head wounds?
     A:   She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungie cord.

     Q:   Why do blondes wear tight skirts?
     A:   To keep their legs together.

     Q:   Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
     A:   So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

     Q:   How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
     A:   One.

     Q:   Why couldn't the blonde write the number 11 ?
     A:   She didn't know what ONE came first...

     Q:   What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
     A:   Divorced.

     Q:   How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?
     A:   Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.

     Q:   How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
     A:   She threw it off a cliff.

     Q:   How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
     A:   She fell out of the tree.

     Q:   How did the blonde die drinking milk?
     A:   The cow fell on her.

     Q:   How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
     A:   There's white-out on the screen.

     Q:   How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
     A:   There is a stamp on it.

     Q:   How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
     A:   She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

     Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
     A:   The blonde has the higher sperm count.

     Q:   What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac,
          and a blonde?

     Q:   What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
     A:   A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

     Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
     A:   You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

     Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
     A:   Your job still sucks after 6 months.

     Q:   What's the difference between a blond having her period and
          a terrorist?
     A:   You can negotiate with a terrorist.

     Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
     A:   In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a
          blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."

     Q:   Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
     A:   You can park in the handicap zone.

     Q:   Why is a blonde like a turtle?
     A:   They both get fucked up when they're on their back.

     Q:   Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every
          month?
     A:   Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."

     Q:   Why do men like blonde jokes??
     A:   Because they can understand them.

     Q:   Why do blondes always drink with straws?
     A:   Practice.

     Q:   Why do blondes drive BMWs?
     A:   Because they can spell it.

     Q:   Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
     A:   From dating blonde men.

     Q:   What does a blonde and a tampon have in common?
     A:   They're both stuck up c*nts!

     Q:   Why do blondes drive VW's
     A:   Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!

     Q:   Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
     A:   To cover up the valve stem.

     Q:   Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
     A:   Toes Go In First.

     Q:   Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
     A:   Tits go in front.

     Q:   Why do blondes like tilt steering?
     A:   More HEAD room.

     Q:   Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
     A:   More leg room.

     Q:   Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
     A:   They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

     Q:   Why don't blondes eat bananas?
     A:   They can't find the zipper.

     Q:   Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini
          skirts?
     A:   Cause their balls show!

     Q:   Why don't blondes use vibrators?
     A:   They chip their teeth.

     Q:   Why don't blondes eat Jello?
     A:   They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into
          those little packages.

     Q:   What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
    A1:   Introduces themself.
    A2:   Walks home.

     Q:   What's a blonde's favourite wine?
     A:   "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"

     Q:   Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart
          blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10
          bill. Who picks it up?
     A:   The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa
          Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

     Q:   If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who
          hits the ground first?
     A:   The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

     Q:   What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
     A:   Butter is difficult to spread.

     Q:   What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
     A:   They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

     Q:   What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
     A:   Bigfoot has been spotted.

     Q:   What does a blonde make best for dinner?
     A:   Reservations.

     Q:   What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
     A:   Gee, Are you sure it's mine?

     Q:   What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
     A:   It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

     Q:   What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her
          thoughts?
     A:   Change.

     Q:   What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
     A:   "Thanks for the refill!"

     Q:   What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
     A:   They pull up their pants.

     Q:   What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
     A:   Last years hide and go seek winner.

     Q:   What do you call a basement full of blondes?
     A:   A whine cellar.

     Q:   What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half
          with yeast infections?
     A:   A whine and cheese party!

     Q:   What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
     A:   An air mattress.

     Q:   What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
     A:   An Air Bag.

     Q:   What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
     A:   A mental block.

     Q:   What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
     A:   A wind tunnel.

     Q:   What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
     A:   A dope ring.

     Q:   What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
     A:   Pregnant.

     Q:   What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher
          learning?
     A:   A visitor.

     Q:   What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
     A:   Gifted!

     Q:   What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
     A:   An interpreter.

     Q:   What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
     A:   Frosted Flakes.

     Q:   What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
     A:   A Space Invader.

     Q:   What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
     A:   Branch Manager.

     Q:   What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
     A:   Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

     Q:   What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
     A:   The back of her head.

     Q:   What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
     A:   Artificial intelligence.

     Q:   What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
     A:   "Have another beer."

     Q:   What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
     A:   They're both empty from the neck up.

     Q:   What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
     A:   They both wriggle when you eat them.

     Q:   What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
     A:   A brain tumor.

     Q:   What did the blonde's mum say to her before the blonde's date.
     A:   If you're not in bed by 12, come home.

     Q:   Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
     A:   To see what was on the other side.

     Q:   Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
     A:   She realized she gave her last blowjob.

     Q:   Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?
     A:   Because that's what they train for all their lives.

     Q:   Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
     A:   So her male would get delivered to the right box.

     Q:   Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
     A:   In case she locks the keys in her car.

     Q:   Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
     A:   So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

     Q:   Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
     A:   So she could lip read.

     Q:   Why did God create blondes?
     A:   Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
     Q:   Why did God create brunettes?
     A:   Neither could the blondes.

     Q:   Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
     A:   So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

     Q:   Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
     A:   To turn the blinker off.

     Q:   Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
     A:   She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

     Q:   Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
     A:   To see what was on the other side.

     Q:   Why did the blonde want to become a veternarian?
     A:   Because she loved children.

     Q:   Why did the blond take her typewriter to the doctor ??
     A:   She thought it was pregnant becaus missed a period.

     Q:   Why did they call the blond twinkie?
     A:   She liked to be filled with cream.

     Q:   Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn
          around and come home?
     A:   It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was
          a television.

     Q:   Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
     A:   She'd just dyed her hair.

     Q:   Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
     A:   She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it
          blown around too much.

     Q:   Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
     A:   Because it kept falling out.

     Q:   Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her
          jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
     A:   Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

     Q:   Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
     A:   Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.

     Q:   WHATS THE DIFFERANCE BETWEEN A FRIDGE AND A FANNY?
     A:   A FRIDGE DOSN'T FART WHEN YOU TAKE THE MEAT OUT.

     Q:   How do you confuse a blonde?
     A:   Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

     Q:   Why does it work?
     A:   "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"

     Q:   Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
     A:   She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

     Q:   What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?
     A:   Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).

     Q:   What is the blonde's favorite battery?
     A:   Ever-ready.

     Q:   What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ....?
     A:   A blond doing cartwheels.

     Q:   What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
     A:   They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.

     Q:   What do you call it when a blonde gets taken over by a demon?
     A:   A vacant possession.

     Q:   Why did the blonde fail her drivers license ?
     A:   She wasn't used to the front seat!

     Q:   Why did she finally pass her test?
     A:   She took the examiner with her
     Q:   Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
     A:   She missed the Earth!

     Q:   Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant?
     A:   She blew it both times!

     Q:   What do a moped and a blond have in common?
     A:   They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.

     Q:   How do you know when a blond's been in your frige?
     A:   Lipstick on the cucumbers!

     Q:   What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
     A:   All you have to do is scratch the box to win

     Q:   Why are blondes so sexually promiscuous?
     A:   Who cares

     Q:   What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
     A:   About 2 cans of hair spray

     Q:   What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
     A:   Pick them up off the floor

     Q:   What did the Blonde get on her A.C.T.?
     A:   Nail polish!


       (Appendix: For those of you who are Brits, the A.C.T. is a
        College entrance examination. Highest score possible is 36. Average
        is about 18-20, I think.)

      (Visual Joke)
     Q:   What did the blonde say when she tried driving stick for the first
          time?
     A:   "How do you shift this thing?" (you make jacking off motions)


     Q:   Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
     A:   The vegetable garden.

     Q:   How many blondes does it take to play tag?
     A:   One.

     Q:   What's the difference between a lesbian finger-fucking a blonde
          and a Schwinn at the side of the road?
     A:   One's a bike in a ditch, and the other's . . . .

     Q:   What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
     A:   Far-from-thinkin

     Q:   Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
     A:   Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.

     Q:   What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
     A:   She slipped off and fell down the drain.

     Q:   Why do blondes occupy about 90% of the net bandwidth?
     A:   Because they keep accidentally deleting their copies of the
          Blonde Joke List.

     Q:   What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
    A1:   The Blonde!
    A2:   The other guys waiting their turn.

     Q:   What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been
          picked  up by 'the fuzz'?
     A:   'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'

     Q:   What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of
          Cheerios?
     A:   "Oh look!  Donut seeds!"

     Q:   What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
     A:   Spot.

     Q:   What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
     A:   Air Supply.

     Q:   Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ?
     A:   A blond electrician

     Q:   Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
    A1:   So brunettes can remember them.
    A2:   Because blonds are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.

     Q:   Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde ????
     A:   She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!

     Q:   Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
     A:   Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

     Q:   What did the blonde do when she got her period?
     A:   Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?

     Q:   Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
     A:   Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

     Q:   Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
     A:   They keep breaking them with the hammers.

     Q:   What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
     A:   Perri-air

     Q:   Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
     A:   Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was
          still stuck.

     Q:   When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
     A:   When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

     Q:   What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
     A:   The Air Pump!

     Q:   Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
     A:   Because she got an F in sex.

     Q:   Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the
          air?
     A:   She missed.

     Q:   Why are there no dumb brunettes?
     A:   Peroxide.

     Q:   What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg.
     A:   Nothing - they've never met.

     Q:   What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?
     A:   She can't say "No".

     Q:   What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
     A:   Data transfer.

     Q:   Whats the difference between a Blonde and a Supermarket
          Trolley.
     A:   A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

     Q:   Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
     A:   They can't keep their calves together!

     Q:   What was the blond psychic's greatest achievment?
     A:   An IN-body experience!

     Q:   When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
     A:   After a dye job.

     Q:   What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
     A:   Humpme Dumpme.

     Q:   What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading
          her nametag) ?
     A:   "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"

     Q:   What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
     A:   A blonde going through a flashing red light.

     Q:   Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a
          blonde drives a car?
     A:   Cause she blows the horn!!!!!

     Q:   Why is a blonde like a door knob?
     A:   'Cause everybody gets a turn.

     Q:   Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
     A:   'Cause she's been laid all over the country.

     Q:   Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
     A:   She kept having affairs with men!

     Q:   What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
     A:   She picks up her purse and goes home.

     Q:   If an blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge,
          who would die first?
     A:   The brunette -- because the blonde would have to
          stop and ask for directions.

     Q:   To a blonde, what is long and hard?
     A:   Grade 4.

     Q:   What is the definition of gross ignorance?
     A:   144 blondes.

     Q:   Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
     A:   Because at 69 they blow a rod...

     Q:   What is the difference between a blonde and
          a refrigerator?
     A:   A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your
          meat out of it.

     Q:   Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
     A:   Because they can't even keep two calves together!

     Q:   What did the blonde say to the physicist?
     A:   "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission!  What do you use for bait?"

     Q:   Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death
          in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
     A:   They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

     Q:   Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
     A:   They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

     Q:   What is the definition of the perfect woman?
     A:   A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

     Q:   Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
     A:   They both drip when they're fucked.

     Q:   How would a blond punctuate the following?:
      "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
     A:   Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

     Q:   Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
     A:   It swells at night.

     Q:   A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm.
          She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
     A:   The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

     Q:   A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should
          cut it in six or twelve pieces.
     A:   "Six, please.  I could never eat twelve pieces."

     Q:   What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
     A:   Locking the car door.

     Q:   Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
     A:   Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.

     Q:   What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents
          occur around the home?
     A:   She moved.

     Q:   What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
     A:   A blonde parade.

     Q:   Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
     A:   They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

     Q:   Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her
          husband's car?
     A:   She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

185 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting.
     She told me she didn't know how to cook them.

186 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
     This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when
     the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull
     your finger out, I'll sink?"

187 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven.   When she got to the Pearly
     Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into
     Heaven, you have to pass a test."
     "Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
     "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
     The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
     "That's interesting...  What made you say that?" said Saint Peter
     Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me!  Andy talks with me!
     Andy tells me..."

188 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out
     a book called "How to Hug"?  Got back to the dorm and found out it
     was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...

189 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":
          "I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"

190 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they
     just don't remember who with.

191 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     ... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the
     slogan "Billions Served - just today"

192 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     What about the blonde who gave birth to twins?
     Her husband is out looking for the other man.

193 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.  In
     the first room she said she would like a pale blue.  The contractor
     wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out
     "GREEN SIDE UP!"  In the second room she told the painter she would
     like it painted in a soft yellow.  He wrote this on his pad, walked
     to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"  The lady was
     somewhat curious but she said nothing.  In the third room she said
     she would like it painted a warm rose color.  The painter wrote this
     down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
     The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
     "I'm sorry," came the reply.  "But I have a crew of blondes laying
     sod across the street.

194 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     Did you hear about the blonde who:

     had more on her body than on her mind?
     was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
     took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
     got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
     was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?
     had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
     thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
     was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat?
     after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
     went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
     brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?

195 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

        Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of
        their Mercedes with a coat hanger:

        Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

        Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting
        to rain and the top is down!

196 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the
        bartender:

     Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
     Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
     Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
     Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
     Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
     Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
     Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
     Bartender: "What's a 15?"
     Blonde: "7 and 7"

197 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

        Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the
        arrival of their first children. The 1st brunette says, "I just
        know I'm going to have a girl, 'cuz I conceived while I was
        on my back". The 2nd brunette says, "Mine's going to be a
        boy, 'cuz I was on top during conception". The blonde says,
        "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!"

     There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal
     checkups. The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the
     baby conceived ?"
     "He was on top ", she replied.
     "You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.

     The second woman was asked the same question.
     "I was on top ", was the reply.
     "you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.

     With this, the third women, a blond, burst into tears.
     "Whats the matter ?" asked the doc.
     "Am I going to have puppies ?".....

198 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     Blondes...
     They take a lickin', and keep on...
     Lickin!

199 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles"
     referred to her ears?

200 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

       Over the weekend I(can't remember name - on newsgrazer) heard a
       blonde telling this joke:
          *
          *Blonde Asks:     What do you call a blonde in between two
                 brunettes?
          *Blonde Answers:  An interprolater!
          *
          *We were laughing so hard we thought we were going to die.  The
           funny
          *part was that she thought we were laughing at her joke.

201 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
          Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see
          where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here.

202 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw
     a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute,
     she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.

     On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said
     "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles,
     she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

203 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     How about the suicide blonde,
     she dyed by her own hand.

204 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park.  The
     brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The
     blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"

205 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the
     wrong way on a one-way street.
     Cop:      Do you know where you were going?
     Blonde:   No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the
               people were leaving.

206 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.
          "Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"
          "Driver's licence? What's that?..."
          "It's a little card with your picture on it."
          "Oh, duh! Here it is..."
          "May I have your car insurance?"
          "What's that?..."
          "It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the
               car."
          "Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
          The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the
            blonde exclaims:"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"

207 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we
                   could do without the ironing lady.
     Blonde Wife:  Well, if you would learn to fuck me properly we
     could do without the gardener.

208 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
        Brunette:  Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
        Blonde:  That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
        Brunette:  My god! I had no idea he was that good.
        Blonde:  ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.

209 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of
     them decides to call 911:
      Blonde:   We need help. We're three blondes changing
                a light bulb.
      Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
      Blonde:   Yes.
      Operator: The power in the house in on?
      Blonde:   Of course.
      Operator: And the switch is on?
      Blonde:   Yes, yes.
      Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
      Blonde:   No, it's working fine.
      Operator: Then what's the problem?
      Blonde:   We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and
                we all fell and hurt ourselves.

210 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

          There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a
     redhead, and a blonde.  The brunette looked over the water to the
     mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore.  So she announced,
     "I'm going to try to swim to shore."  So she swam out five miles,
     and got really tired.  She swam out ten miles from the island, and
     she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

          The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if
     she made it.  I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland
     than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out.  The
     redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam
     out 10 miles before she even  got tired.  After 15 miles, she was
     too tired to go on, so she drowned.

          So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it!
     I think I'd better try to make it, too."  So she swam out 5 miles,
     ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island.  The shore
     was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!"  So
     she swam back.

211 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.?
     Blonde: I don't know. Why?
     Teller: It was easier to spell.
     Blonde: Easier than what?

212 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down
     and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks."  The other blonde looks
     and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks."  "No.
     Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one
     half hour later they were both killed by a train.

213 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what
     was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her.
     Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her
     about the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. I can
     fuck and suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook"

214 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the
priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"

     "Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over
and talk slower?"

215 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three blondes were walking through the desert when found a magic genie's lamp
t he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you." The first said,
"I wish I were smarter". So she became a redhead. The second blonde said "I
wish I were smarter than  her." She became a brunette. The third blond said
"I wish I were smarter than both of them." So she became a man.

216 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Confucious say: blonde who fly upside down have crack up.

217 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

At a carwash in Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out
at the same time.  A beautiful blond woman jumps into one and takes
off, leaving its owner rather perplexed.  About three minutes later,
she reappears at the car wash yelling, "who ripped off my car phone!"

218 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night I went home to my blonde girlfriend, and told her I was going
to screw her brains out.  Then I realized I was too late.

219 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde is suffering froma sore throat so she goes to see the doctor.
She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets
out his torch and says "Open wide".  "I can't," replies the blonde,
"the chair's fitted with arms."

220 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde friend of mine was looking for some transportation, so I bought
her a Woody.  I called her up later and asked how she like it.  She told
me it was OK, but that it didn't look so good once she had taken it out
of the crate.

221 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can
practice safe sex).  She walks up to the pharmicist and asks "How
much for a box of rubbers?"
"They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."

222 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another blonde, another store.  She goes over to the deodorant display
and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."
"Does he use the ball kind?" enquired the clerk.
"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."

223 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop.  His boss
comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you
handle it?  "The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's
positive comments he finally agrees.
So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in.
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She:  "How much for the black one?"
He:   "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She:  "I think I'll take the black one.  I've never had a black one before."
She pays him, and off she goes.
  A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black
dildo?"
He:  "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He:  "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one.  I've never had a white one
      before..."
She pays him, and off she goes.
  About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are
your dildos?"
He:  "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He:  "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never
     had a plaid one before...."
She pays him, and off she goes.
 Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo,
one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

224 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Imitation of a blonde refuelling..
(Flap hand, blowing air into ears)

225 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another blonde sent a post card home:

"Having a wonderful time....Where am I?"

226 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had
    just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish
    his just-spent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before
    drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks
    it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in
    and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."

227 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

      A blonde and a brunette were talking one day.  The brunette said that
      her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and
      Shoulders" and it cleared it up.  The blonde asked inquisitively,

      "How do you give shoulders?"

228 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    How is a blonde like a.......

      Hairdryer?   Turn her on and she starts to blow.
      Vaccum Cleaner?  Turn her on and she starts to suck.
      Light Switch?  Even a six year old can turn her on.

229 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

      Person 1: What's the difference between a blonde and garbage?
      Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
      Person 1: Wrong.  You tie the garbage up before you take it out.

230 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

       Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her
       lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?

       "Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"

231 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio.
The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde
was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw
another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped
her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that
give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you
what's coming to you!"

232 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state
capitals (or for Bill Clinton capitols). She proudly said," go ahead,
ask me, I know all of them."
    A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
    The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."

233 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying
     overhead.  Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over
     her.  The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've
     hit me right in the face!!!"

     Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly.

234 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Great Pick-Up lines to use on Blondes

1)  That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed.
2)  Do you want to see something swell?
3)  What do you like for breakfast?
4)  Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?
5)  Say, didn't we go to different schools together?
6)  Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about
    the first thing that pops up.
7)  Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us.
8)  Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
9)  Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
10) You smell wet. Lets party!
11) If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold it
    against me?
12) Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me? I
    thought you knew!
13) You have the ass of a great artist.

235 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Worst Pick-Up lines to use, even on a Blonde

1)  I just threw up!
2)  You look just like a hooker I know in Detroit.
3)  Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the package it
    came in?
4)  Hey baby! You look like you could suck the chrome off a trailer
    hitch.
5)  I've had quite a bit to drink, and your beginning to look pretty
    good.
6)  Hello Susie! Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon so she
    asked me to pick you up. My what a pretty dress!
7)  Your face or mine?
8)  Nice dress, could I talk you out of it?
9)  I want to floss with your pubic hair.
10) I'd look good on you.
11) Excuse me. Have I fucked you yet?
12) Somebody farted! Lets get out of here.

236 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Blonde Medical Terminology

Anally -- occurring yearly
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Diarrhea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase
Hangnail -- coathook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
Labour pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test
Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favouring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood
Tablet -- small tablet
Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumour -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
Vein -- conceited

237 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why did the black guy wear a tuxedo to his vasectomy?
A: Because if I's gonna be impotent, i wants to look impotent.

Q: How did the pollock break his leg raking the leaves?
A: He fell out of the tree.

238 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The owner of a big furniture store went to New York to buy some stock
and met a really beautiful girl in the hotel elevator.  But she was French
and they couldnt understand a work of each other's language.  So he took
out a pencil and notebook and drew a sketch of a taxi.  She nodded her
head and laughed and they went for a ride in the park.  Then he drew a
picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so
they went to dinner.  After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was
delighted.  They went to a night club and danced and had a lovely evening.
At length she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster
bed.  He was dumfounded.  He's never been able to figure out how she knew
he was in the furniture business.

239 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How does Herpes leave the hospital?
A: On crotches.

240 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

  One day while cleaning his attic a young man finds a vase, he gets rag
to wipe it clean to see if it is worth saving.
  As he is wiping it out comes a GENIE and tells him for releasing him he
will get 3 wishes.  The man shouts I want a million dollars.  The genie
says, "But there is a CATCH (isn't there always) whatever you ask for your
Mother-In-Law will get twice as much." The young says, "I can live with
that and again ask for a million dollars." The Genie says, "Your mother in
law will get two" he agrees.  The Genie says, "Done!"
  "For my second wish I want a NEW Mansion." The genie says, "Your mother
in law will get one TWICE as nice." He agrees the Genie says.  "Done!"
  After some time the Genie wants to grant his third wish and asks what he
wants.  After some thought the young man asked to be BEAT HALF TO DEATH.
  The GENIE says DONE!

241 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

One night a black lady walks into a tatoo parlor.  She asks the artist to put
a tatoo of Riddick Bowe on one thigh and a tatoo of Mike Tyson on the other.
When the tatoos are done, she is furious.  "Those don't look like Bowe & Tyson"
She asks the next guy that walks in the room if the tatoos look like Bowe &
Tyson.  He says,"No, But that guy in the middle sure as hell looks like Don
King".

242 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was an Englishman who had been visiting the US and was on his way
back to England via a cruise ship.  While sitting in a deck chair, he
stopped the steward and said, "I've been to America but I didn't get to
hear any American jokes.  And I'd love to be able to tell on to the boys
at my club.  Can you help me?"

The steward said, "OK.  There was a young lady walking down a country land
and she came to a crossroads.  There were three men approaching from
each of the other three directions.  One was walking, one was riding a
horse, and the other was in a car.  Now, which one knew her?"

"Beats me," said the Englishman.

"The horse manure," answered the steward.

The Englishman laughed and said "Ripping good old boy".

When he got back to his club he related the joke to his buddies.

    I heard this great American joke.  It seems that there was a lass in
    the country standing at a crossroads.  Approaching her were a
    pedestrian, an equestrian, and a motorist.  Now, which one knew her?

The other chaps admitted ignorance.  So the Englishman proceeded:

   The answer's "horse shit", but I have no idea why!

243 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's this guy who is so in love with his girlfriend, Wendy, that he gets
her name tattoed to his penis.  Only, when it's soft, you can only see the
W and the Y.  Well Wendy has been around the block a little bit and this
guy is always a little suspicious.  So one day, this guy is standing at
the urinal in this restaurant.  This black guy goes to the one next to his
and starts taking a leak.  So the first guy can't help but look over and
notice that this black guy ALSO has a W and and Y on his penis.  So he
says to the black guy.  "Sorry, I couldn't help but notice that you have
a W and a Y on your penis!  Mine has the same thing on it, when erect it says
Wendy!  What does your say?"  To which the black guy responds "Welcome to
Jamaica, mon, Have a nice Day

244 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

So this guy is completely in love with a girl named Wendy. He asks her
to marry him and she says, "On one condition: you have to have my name
tatooed on your prick." The guy hesitates, but agrees. So he goes to
the tatoo place and the girl working there helps him get it up and
tatooes the name 'WENDY' on his stiff member. When he goes soft, all
that can be seen is 'WY' but Wendy is satisfied and they get married
and have a good life. But one day the man is in a public bathroom at a
urinal and he's standing next to a large black man, who has 'WY'
tatooed on his penis also.
"Hey!" says the husband, "Does yours say 'WENDY' too?"
"No man, " replies the black man, "Mine says 'WELCOME TO THE BAHAMAS
HAVE A NICE DAY'!"

245 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day an enormously fat woman came in to a gynecologist's office.
Flesh hung from her neck in huge wattles, and her arms and legs were so
bloated it was a wonder she could move at all.  Her skin, wherever it
wasn't covered by clothing, was a mottled grey color.  Her face was
covered with large patches of acne, both blackheads and oozing
whiteheads.  After waiting the obligatory 47 minutes in a waiting room
filled with three-year old magazines and numerous squalling brats (all
waiting rooms, regardless of the doctor's specialty, are required by
law to have at least six mewling, snot nosed children present at all
times), she was escorted in to an examination room.  After sitting in
the examination room for the additional required 26 minutes, the doctor
came in to see her.

She gestured at her crotch.  "Something's wrong down there."

The doctor nodded and asked for more detail.

"I dunno," the woman said and indicated her enormous girth.  "I can't
get a mirror far enough around to get a look for myself."

The doctor made a note in his chart and then told the woman to remove
her panties and lie down on the examining table.

"I don't wear any panties," she said.

After checking the table for sturdiness, the woman heaved herself onto
it, placed her bloated feet in the stirrups, and hiked up her dress.
As she did so, a faint odor wafted into the room.  The doctor wrinkled
his nose a bit, but got right to work.  Because the woman was so fat,
her thighs came together well below her vagina, thus effectively
obscuring his view.  Undaunted, he plunged his hands between the two
hams and spread them.  They parted with an audible squelching sound and
a horrible stench filled the room.

"My oh my," the doctor said.

The woman had obviously not bathed in at least two months, certainly
not since her "trouble" had started.  A thick mass of dirt, lint, fart
juice, menstural blood, and smegma mingled heartily with a thick,
yellowish pus oozing from a large boil directly between her vaginal
orifice and anus.

"Well well well," the doctor said as he picked up a small instrument
and began scraping away the coating.  Soon, however, the doctor became
fed up with the instrument's effectiveness and began using his hands.
Finally he had the boil exposed to the air.  It was dark red with a
festering pustle in the center of it, from which a single gnarled hair
grew.

"I'm afraid this will call for an oral evacuation," he said.  Then,
without further ado, he placed his face up close to the boil and
squeezed it between his fingers.  With a small popping sound, it burst,
and pus began to flow freely.  The doctor began cheerfully sucking up
this discharge and spitting it out into a small "infectious waste"
container.  He had just about finished sucking out all the pus when the
woman, unable to control herself, let fly the tiniest of farts.  With
an indignant snort, the doctor stood bolt upright and glared at the
woman.

"Just what are you trying to do, madam?  Gross me out?"

246 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

  There was this sweet young girl who fell in love with a old codger.  I'm
talking really old!  Hell this old fart was older than Cliff, and still
alive, mostly.
  Anyway she finally convinced the old fellow, that it was him, and not
his money she wanted, and got him to agree to marry her.  Well, he
proposed, just like she planned it and she accepted.  But he felt a little
bad about the situation, and confessed to her that some of his old parts
just didn't perform like they did when he was 30 or 40 years younger.
  This young gal was practical, decided that there are just some parts of
marriage a young girl shouldn't have to do without... So she packed the
old boy up and took him in to a specialist for advise.
  After a thorough examination the specialist called both of them in for
his results.  He told them, that things didn't look good (pardon the pun).
He explained that the darn thing might work occasionally but not to get up
an hopes of using it more that once or twice a year.  Now this girl did
not like hearing that once or twice a year MIGHT be possible... Not at
all.  So she asked the doctor if there wasn't something else that could be
done...
   He explained that there was a specialist in South Africa that had as
some amazing results with some experimental transplants he was doing.. but
other than that, not much hope.
  As you might guess this young gal had no choice but to get all her
money, and most of his money together and drag the old man off to South
Africa.  The doctor there studied the case, and then informed them that it
might be possible with one of his transplants, but there was only a 75
percent chance of success.  The girl said ok, lets do it, 75 percent is
better than we have now.  The old man wasn't so sure, after all, it wasn't
her parts they were talking of transplanting, but he loved her and agreed
to one of the experimental surgeries.
  The doctor told them that this situation called for a special
transplant.  So he decided to use the trunk of an unborn elephant.
Something strong yet flexible, and of a reasonable size, and shape.
  The operation was a complete success, and the results worked far better
that anyone ever expected.  So the date for the wedding was set.
  The night before the wedding, they had a formal dinner for the bride and
groom.  Everyone was dressed in tuxes and formals and the hotel put out
the finest prime rib and baked potato supper they could arrange.
  Well, everyone was sitting, drinking wine, having just finished the
salad when the old man started to get a little excited, he was afraid that
he might damage the rented tux, so he quietly reached down and unzipped,
to make room.  Just then they started serving the main course, and set his
plate in front of him.  Trying to be as nonchalant as possible he was
carrying on a light conversation with his mother-in-law to be, when
suddenly, and without warning, his new appendage popped up over the table,
grabbed his baked potato and snapped back under.....
  Everyone just gasped and starred for a minute, then his mother-in-law
(to be) said "That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my life! Can
you do it again?"
  The old guy says, "Yes ma'am, I think I can, but I don't think there is
room up my ass for another potato!"

247 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the sign of the second coming?
A: A great white streak across the sky.

248 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was this Australian girl of 18 who was marrying this Greek chap
who was 23.  The Australian girl, who was not very familiar with the
Greek customs, went to a Greek priest to ask for advice.  The Australian
girl asked the priest whether or not she was allowed to dance with her
husband to be, on their wedding night.  The Greek priest told her that
it was forbidden for a couple to dance together.  He went further on to
say that the men dance with the men, and women dance with the women, on
social occassions like this!  The Australian girl left for home a bit
disappointed.

The next day, she goes back to the same priest and asks him whether or
not she is allowed to have sex with her husband to be, on the night of
their wedding, and whether or not she is allowed to enjoy it!
Dialogue as follows:

"Of course you are allowed to have sex with your husband, and enjoy it
you may!", replied the priest.

"Am I allowed to be on the top when we are having sex?"

"Certainly!"

"Am I allowed to be on the bottom?"

"Of course!"

"Are we allowed to have sex, standing up?"

"No, that would lead to dancing..."

249 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was this guy who was caught eating a platypus.  He was sent to court
and put on trial.  The guy pleaded that he only ate the platypus because he
was starving and hadn't had anything to eat for days.

The Judge looked upon him with mercy and let him go.

When he was about to leave, the Judge asked him "Just out of interest, what
does platypus taste like?"

To which he replied "About half-way between an echidna and a kookaburra."

250 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two gerbils are walking down the road and they pass this gay bar,
the first gerbil says to the second "Hey! You wanna get shit faced?"

251 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do some men name their penises?
A: So that 80% of their decisions wouldn't be made by a total stranger!

252 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why are they having trouble finding a cure for AIDS?
A: The scientist can't get the little mice to butt fuck.

Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About 5 drinks.

Q: Why don't blacks like blow jobs?
A: They don't like any jobs.

Q: What do you call two Vietnamese in a Trans Am?
A: The Gooks of hazard.

Q: What's the best thing to come out of a dick?
A: The wrinkles.

Q: Why did the guy call his dog herpes?
A: Because he wouldn't heal.

253 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is the difference between a moose?
A: It's got the same distance between both its' ears!

254 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 We should be happy there is water, otherwise no one could learn how to swim,
 and then everyone would drown.

255 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the fastest game in Northern Ireland?
A: Pass the parcel.

Q: What is the worst thing about eating vegetables?
A: Putting them back into thier wheelchairs!

256 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    An <ethnic> is about to become a father.  Naturally, he
    has gotten quite horny during the pregnancy.  He asks a
    friend when he can resume sex.  His friend replies, "Depends".
    "Depends on what?"
    "Depends on whether you have a private room or a ward!"

257 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Two guys were hunting.  One set his shotgun up against a fence while
    he climbed over.  Unfortunately the gun discharged and wounded him
    in the groin area.  His buddy took him to the emergency room.  The
    doctor worked on him a while and then said, "I'm going to refer you
    to Dr. Smithson."
    The patient asked, "Is he a urologist?"
    "No", said the doctor, "he is a piccolo player.  He'll show you
    how to finger it so you won't piss in your eye!"

258 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you get when you cross a deer and a pickle?
A: A dildo.

Q: What do Tupperware and Walrus have in common?
A: They both like a tightseal.

Q: What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits your
   windshield?
A: It's asshole.

Q: Why did the British ships come back from the Falklands full of sheep?
A: Warbrides.

259 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

- Did you here the one about the statistician who drowned in a lake with an
  average depth of 6 inches.

260 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Charlie and Frank are playing golf.  They play the first hole, and on the
second green there are two girls shooting the shit.  Charlie says, "Frank, run
up there and tell those two girls to let us play through this hole."  Frank
get halfway there, sees the girls, and comes running back.  "I almost got
caught," he says, "those girls, one is my wife, and the other's my mistress."
Charlie says, "The hell with it, I'll go tell them."  Charlie gets halfway
there, turns around, comes running back and says, "Frank, what a coincidence."

261 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once, sometime in the 14th century, the pope decides he wants all of the
Jews out of Italy.  He sends for the head rabbi and tells him  that
he and his people must leave within three days.  The rabbi refuses, saying
thata three days isn't enough time.  The pope says "Okay then, rabbi.  I will
meet you for a silent debate.  If you win you can stay, but if you lose, you
must leave."  The rabbi agrees.

When they meet for the debate, the rabbi walks in the door and the pope is
sitting at a table.  The rabbi sits down.  The pope motions around,
and the rabbi taps on the table.  The pope holds up three fingers, and the
rabbi flips him the bird.  The pope takes out some bread and fish, and the
rabbi takes out an apple.  The pope, exasperated, leaves.

Later that day, the pope is talking to one of his bishops.  "Wow...," he
says, "That rabbi is sure smart.  You see first, I said that God was everywhere
But the Rabbi said that God was also watching us right here.  I demontrated my
faith in the father, the son, and the holy ghost.  The rabbi said they were
all the same.  Then I took out the sacred sacrements of our religion, and
the rabbi took out an apple to remind me of original sin.  What a genius!"

The rabbi was talking to his wife:  "Honey, I have no idea what happened.
First the guy tells me to get out, so I'm, like 'No way, I'm staying right here
Then that jerk tries to take out his lunch.  Hey all I had with me was an
apple, so I took that out.  He storms out. I have no idea what his problem is."

262 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A hunter was sneaking through a forest, rifle at-the-ready, on the
lookout for something to shoot.

He notices a bear standing against a tree some yards away from him.  The
hunter raises his gun and drops the animal with a clean shot, through the head.

Happily, he strides toward his prize, visualising the great floor-rug he'd
just landed.  A few steps from the bear, a grimy old man steps from behind a
tree and starts to pull the dead bear.

The hunter shouts at him: "HEY! That's *my* kill. Whatthefu^* d'ya think you're
doing ?!?"

Startled, the old guy looks up and replies: "No it ain't.  I found this here
bear, just lying all dead here'n the middle of nowhere.  That makes it mine."

The hunter frowns, then lifts the rifle up and asks: " Oh, really?"

The old guy widens his eyes, but replies "Look, don't get shakey with that
weapon, sonny.  Tellya what, let's have a little contest. The one who lasts,
wins the bear."

The hunter looks at the old man.  Small, underfed, stiff-jointed movements
and smelly!

"What sort-of contest?"

"Well, let's take turns at kicking each other in the balls and see who
stays up the longest."

The hunter thought about it, then decided that since he was much younger,
bigger and obviously the stronger, he would be able to win.

"Okay, fine. Let's do that."

Without a second's hesitation the old guy shouts
"Good. Me first !!"
and swings his booted foot in a vicious movement, crashing it into the
hunter's googlies.

The hunter's eyes crossed with the shock and mindnumbing flash of pain.
His head swam like a drunken platypus.  His ears seemed to be unable to hear
anything except a hissing buzz.  It took superhuman effort to prevent himself
from toppling over, as all forces dictated him to at that moment.

When he was able to take little gasps of air, without experiencing jolts
of pain, he lifts his head, still gripping his arms between his legs.

"Just__ wait___ until I have a turn"

"That's okay", said the old guy, "you take the bear" and disappears into
the trees.

263 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Women are like banks:

   - You deposit,
   - You withdrawal,
   - You lose interest.

264 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A hooker had just finished with a client, and being an advocate of safe sex,
she took off the guys condom and tossed it out the window.  (I said she was
an advocate of safe sex, not an environmentalist!)
She looks out the window to see a little boy pick up the condom, and
thinking that he really shouldn't be playing with it, she rushed down the
stairs.
"Little boy, I'll give you $1 for that Twinkie, okay?"
The little boy says, "Sure!"

The boy gets home and his mom asks him what he did at school that day.
"Nothing, really.  But a nice lady gave me $1 for a Twinkie, and I'd
already eaten the cream out of the middle!!"

265 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Seems that Dr. Livingston was roaming about darkest Africa one day, charting
and exploring where Western civilization had never been before, when he found
himself in a spot of trouble.  He had not seen a large puddle of quicksand in
the middle of his path and had wandered into it.  The quicksand began doing
it's work and soon Livingston was up to his knees in muck.
So of course he struggles to get out and had just come up with the realization
that unaided esace would be an impossibility when a native fellow wanders by.
Dr. Livingston cries out to the native who answers in plain English.
"Get me out of here!"
"Ummm ... what will you do for me?"
"Anything anything I'm desparate man!"
"Well ... will you suck my dick?"
"Absolutely not!" Livingston replies.  The native shrugs and walks on.
Now Livingston is up to his waist, when miraculously another native comes by.
Dr. Livingston asks him for help and the native asks Dr. Livingston to suck
his dick.  Livingston refuses and the native goes about his business, leaving
Livingston to think that he must be sinking into the gay highway of darkest
Africa.
Finally he is up to his neck and desparate.  Yet another tribesman walks by,
and Livingston shouts to him "Please man you've got to help me!  I'll do
anything I'll even suck your dick!"
"Damned faggot" the native says and stomps on Livingston's head.

266 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A poor little girl was beggin' in the street. A man passed by and the girl
mumbled:

    - "Please, sir, gimme some money for a fix"
The man answers, astonished:
    - "Good heavens! But ,how old are you, little girl?"

    - "I'm four,sir."

    - "Oh, my God, and how long have you been into drugs?"

    - "Since I was two, sir, when I was raped..."

    - "RAPED???!!! And Who raped you, little girl?"

    - "I don't remember, as I was drunk."

267 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs were all in the jacuzzi.  Snow White was
feeling Grumpy but Grumpy got out so Snow White started feeling Happy.

268 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The evolutionary forebears of all the poisonous snakes now living
were a pair of adders who managed to book passage with Noah during
the Flood.  They were not permitted aboard the Ark itself, however.
The little dinghy full of skunks traditionally seen trailing from
the stern of the Ark in cartoons was in fact one of a whole flotilla
of makeshift rafts on which animals noxious to man were towed to
Ararat.  The one the snakes drew was a crude table carved from a
single, massive log.

It perfectly suited their dimensions, of course, but its enforced
restriction of position had an inevitable consequence.  On the third
day of the voyage, Noah, who was teaching a mathematics class on the
fantail to alleviate shipboard ennue, noticed that a number of his
students were not paying attention; they kept glancing furtively
over the stern and giggling.  Noah soon spied the source of their
amusement: the two snakes were making enthusiastic and acrobatic
love.

"There, you see?" cried Noah, seizing a chance to underscore a
lesson.  "Even adders can multiply on a log table!"

269 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How was breakdancing formed?
A: A couple of blacks were stealing hubcaps from moving cars.

270 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Did you hear about the new line of protective condoms from Goodyear Tire?
A: The brand name is going to be "Bobbit Steel-Belted Radial Condoms."

271 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man comes to a garage with a lot of dents in his car.
The garage-owner asks: 'How did you do that?'
The man says: 'I overran a black!'
The garage owner: 'But why so many dents then?'
The man: 'It took me three grassfields to get him!'

272 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy walks into a prostitues bangalow. The madam of the bangalow asks
him if he wants a chick with hair around her... (you know where) or one
with no hair. The guy askes for a shaved one. So she directs him to room
number 4.  The guy walks into room 4 and saw a hooker lying down on the
bed naked and her legs wide, I mean WIDE, spread.  He notices that she had
lots of pubic hair.  He get very upset and goes to the madam and complains.
Madam, surpised, goes to the room with him and saw the same chick.
"Oh my friend, that ain't hair, ...give me ya sec I'll fix everything..."
says the madam, and walks to the chick and takes a folded newpaper and
waves it between her legs..'ssshhhhhhhooooo...' all of a sudden the guy saw
the cleanly shaved spot.

273 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once there was a zebra, and all his life, this zebra wondered if he was
a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes.
One day, the zebra dies and goes to heaven.  At the gates of heaven, the
zebra asked St. Peter if he was a white zebra with black stripes or a
black zebra with white stripes.  St. Peter goes, " Well I don't know,
that's the kind of question you need to ask God."  So one day, the zebra
meets God and he asked, " God, am I a white zebra with black stripes or
a black zebra with white stripes."  God replied, "You are what you are."
 The zebra was confused and disappointed because God never really
answered his question.  St. Peter saw his gloomy face and asked him what
happened.  The zebra then said that when he asked God about his
identity, God replied, "You are what you are, and I don't know what that
means."  St. Peter goes," Oh, in that case you are a white zebra with
black stripes."  The zebra was stunned and asked how St peter came to
that conclusion.  St peter replied, " If you are a black zebra with
white stripes, God would have said `You is what you is'".

274 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why is aspirin white?
A: You want it to work for you, don't you?

Q: How do you make an Asian blind?
A: Put them behind a windshield.

Q: what's white and 9 inches long?
A: Nothing.

Q: whats black, 12 inches long, and has an asshole right behind it?
A: Policeman's necktie.

275 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two guys meet on the street one day, and A says to B, "Hey, you really look
great, and here I have these extra love handles: how do you manage to look so
good?

B says, I use this _great_ reducing salon downtown. Go on by there and take the
treatment.

So A goes there: inside a small entry-way is a window with the following sign
over it:

           Regular session $15.00
           Special session $30.00

He decides to take the Regular, pays his $15 and is directed to go through the
door, turn right to room 6, go in and remove all his clothes, all of which he
does. Just as he slips off his shorts, he hears a door open behind him, and in
walks this very nice-looking nude babe (oops! woperson), who has a sign around
her neck which reads "If you can catch me, I'm yours!"

So he chases her around for quite a while, but she is very nimble and he never
quite manages to catch her; after a time, she says, "session's over" and pops
back out the door she came in by.

On his way out, the guy steps on a scale, and notices that he'd lost a few
pounds. "Great treatment", he thought.

So, a few days later, he decides to go in and try the Special Session; he
plonks down his $30, and receives the same instructions. As he drops his shorts
and hears the door open, he turns around with great anticipation, and there is
one BIG black buck, naked, with a schlong about to his knees, and a sign around
his neck that said

"IF I CATCH YOU, YOU'RE MINE!"

276 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a Jewish sauna?
A: Auschwitz.

277 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do blacks have bigger dicks than whites?
A: Cause whites had toys when they were young.

278 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was an abbo talking to a white guy & they were tlaaking sbout their
professions.The white u said that he was an electrician, and the abbo said
that he was in mining. "Mining,hey.." the white guy replied. Before
responding, the abbo looked around at the landscape & replied " Yep, that's
mine, & that's mine & that's mine & that's mine.............."

279 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What did god say when it made the first black man?
A: Oops, burned that one

Q: what did God say when he make the second nigger?
A: Damn, burned another one.

Q: What did God say when he made the third nigger?
A: Man, I better stop this or i'm gonna really fuck up this world!

280 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Guy:  Why don't you let me treat you like an envelope and stuff you full of
      male?

281 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call the dirt collected at the bottom of a woman's
   underwear?
A: Clitty litter.

282 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some Visual Jokes

- Hold your arms straight out to the sides, cross your legs over (you're still
  standing), and bow your head.  Ask, "What's this?"

  A shitty way to spend Easter.

- Chew at the palms of your hands and ask what's this?

  Jesus biting his nails.

283 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's Red & Green and lies in the gutter???
A: Wounded Snot

Q: What is red and climbs up the leg of a woman?
A: A homesick abortion.

284 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

David Dukes is walking down the beach one day when he came across a
golden lamp lying in the sand.  Wondering if it was a magic lamp, he
picked it up and started rubbing it.  All of a sudden a large black
geenie pops out of the lamp and says "You are my new master and I must
grant you three wishes."  Then all of a sudden he looks down and says,
"hey aren't you David Dukes with the KKK?"  David says "That's right"
So the geenie says "Well unfortunately I must grant you your three
wishes, but I am allowed to change the rules alittle.  Everything you
wish for, every black person in the world will receive double".  David
decides he can deal with that, and wishes for a new Cadillac.  The
geenie says, "Your wish is granted, but remember now every black person
has two in there driveway."  David asks for a million dollars with his
next wish.  The geenie says, "Your wish is granted, but remember that
every black person now has 2 million dollars.  Now what's your last
wish?"  David then looks around and sees a wooden bat lying in the sand,
and says, "See that bat over there?  My last wish is for you to beat me
half to death."

285 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep black kids from jumping on your bed?
A: Put velcro on the ceiling.

Q: How do you get them down?
A: Invite some Mexican kids over, give 'em baseball bats, and tell 'em
   it's a pinata party.

Q: How do you babysit black kids?
A: Wet their lips and stick 'em to the wall.

Q: How do you get them down?
A: Teach them to say, "Motherfucker."

286 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's a hot nightclub, people are dancing, the music is great. There's this
guy who sees this drop-dead gorgeous woman and fortunately she notices him
as well. They dance...they kiss, they whisper at each other and eventually
they end up at her place. The woman rips off her clothes and moans "make
me feel like a woman!" So the guy rips off his clothes and says "Fold them."

287 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cardinal List of Lawyer Jokes

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
   in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q:  Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No. Good!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck
   defiance.

Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

288 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for
a living.  "Tim, you be first," she said.  "What does your mother do all
day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
     "That's wonderful.  How about you, Amie?"
     Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
mailman."
     "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.  "What about your father,
Billy?"
     Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."
     The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.  Billy's
father answered the door.  The teacher explained what his son had said and
demanded an explanation.
     Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney.  How can I explain a
thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

289 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.  To his dismay, there
were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.  To his
surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line
to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly.  Then St. Peter and one
of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the
front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.  The lawyer
said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
   St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you
billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years
old!"

290 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city
subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was
asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a
shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of
them."

291 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred
it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the
thief go first, and the executioner follow."

292 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he
had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented
money there has been only one answer to that question."

293 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates.
After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective
professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly
station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides
to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome,
Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge
palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces,
is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of
time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place
like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight once
again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and
more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone
houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new
domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a
mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You
put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader
of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
   Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow,
this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many
times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get
your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first
(non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"

294 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long
trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the
judge who had presided at the hearing.
    "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty
lawyer of mine."
    "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you want to
have him arrested for ?"
    "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay
his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

295 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a
man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
    "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the
witness.

296 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the
defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the
influence, demanded a jury trial.  It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury
would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall
looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty.  He found a dozen
lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.
   The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed
the judge back to the courtroom.  The trial was over in about 10 minutes
and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty.  The jury went into
the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone
waited.
   After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and
sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the
verdict.  When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a
verdict yet?"
   The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict?  Hell, they're still
doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

   Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?",

   A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's
grandmother.  On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the
little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same
grave?"
   "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
   "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

   The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at
least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.

297 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross
the Atlantic Ocean.  After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we
better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some
of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud
cover.  George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy
on the ground".  So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us
where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon,
100 feet up in the air".  George turns to Harry and says "That man must be
a lawyer".  And Harry says "How can you tell?".  George says "Because the
advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".
   That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried
about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page
of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".

298 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn.  The last time he'd finally managed an
affair with the innkeeper's daughter.  Looking forward to an
exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then
stopped short.  There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
     "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he
cried.  "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and
the baby would have my name!"
     "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we
sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better
to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

299 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences
once and for all.
     When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think
you're going to find a lawyer?"

300 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred
dollar bill.  Who gets it?  The old drunk, of course, the other three are
mythological creatures.

301 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone.  After he had
made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would
like on it.
     "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
     "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter.  "In this
state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However,
I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."
     "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
     "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter.  "people will read it and
exclaim, "That's Strange!"

302 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   An anxious woman goes to her doctor.  "Doctor," she asks nervously,
"can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
   "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come
from?"

303 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to
another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to
lawyers for our experiments?"
     "Really?"  the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
     "Well, for three reasons.  First we found that lawyers are far more
plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and
thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.  However, sometimes it
very hard to exterpolate our test results to human beings."

   A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the
country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year.  Each
summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not
the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to
be in a backwoods section of Maine.
   On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay
with him.  The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well,
they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the
great outdoors.
   Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went
out to pick berries for their morning breakfast.  As they went around the
berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous
quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female.
   Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover.
His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and
swallowed him whole.
   The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he
could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his
shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
   Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
   "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while
visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just
had to save his friend.
   The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled
his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
   "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the
other!"
   "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who
told you that the Czech was in the Male?"

304 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

        It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into
the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony.  Doctor
Green came over to see him.
        "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in
court when you accused me of malpractice."
        "Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could
it be?"
        "How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
        "I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
        "Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
        "What are you talking about?"
        "When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
        "Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
        "Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns
out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
        "I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
        "Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer
Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr.
Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it
when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an
Excedrin headache?'
Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
        "Why are you reading that to me?"
        "Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making
a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
        "Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
        "You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken
sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
        "Then get me another doctor."
        "There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that
after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office.
This is the only place that I can practice."
        "If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally
appeal your case to a higher court."
        "You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for
a kidney stone."
        "You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by
looking at him."
        "That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when
you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize
into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher
of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going
to be in a lot of pain.' "
        "Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my
ounce of Demerol?"
        "I better check you out first."
        "Don't check me out, just give the dope."
        "But in court the first question you asked me was if I had
examined the patient completely.  It would be negligent of me if I didn't
do it now.  Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
        "What for?"
        "To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued
and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
        "I'm not going to sue you."
        "You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ
after you pass the kidney stone?"

305 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
   The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours
some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka
of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one
we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw
it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the
bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed.
   The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and
begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world:
Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we
have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that,
he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is
quite impressed.
   At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws
the Lawyer through it...

306 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop
and steals a roast.  Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog
running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right
to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"  The lawyer answers,
"Absolutely."
   "Then you owe me $8.50.  Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me
today."
   The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50
[attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't
brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].
   Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that
would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope
from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

307 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q:  How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if
    you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and
the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and
forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of
failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting,
elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front
(north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the
primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any
spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
parties.
    The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following steps:
    1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any
other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a
counter-clockwise direction,this point being non-negotiable.
   2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"),
the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of
the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all
applicable state, local and federal statutes.
   3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the
first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the
party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb").  This installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described
in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the
rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being
non-negotiable.
   NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the
party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him,
the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of
the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

308 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing
his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they
were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a
controversial case.
And the list goes on for quite awhile.
   The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case.  He admits all these
things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."  St.
Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see.  Once you gave a dime to a
panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy,
correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."
St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents
and tell him to go to hell."

309 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he
means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your
feet.

310 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own
pockets.

311 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do
you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man.  "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my
'gator."

312 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow.
One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns.
Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

313 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator
It would be a good idea to just leave them there.

314 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking
down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive
young lady walking ahead of them.  One of them turned to the other and
remarked, "I'd give $50.00 to spend the night with that woman."  Much to
their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and
replied, "I'll take you up on that."  She had a neat appearance and a
pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man
accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
     The following morning the man presented her with $25.00 as he
prepared to leave.  She demanded the rest of the money, stating: "If you
don't give me the other $25.00, I'll sue you
for it."  He laughed, saying: "I'd like to see you get it on these
grounds."
     The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his
presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer
and explained the details of the
case.  His lawyer said: "She can't possibly get a judgement against you on
such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be
presented."
     After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court
as follows:
     "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of
property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery,
which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length
of time for the sum of $50.00.  The defendant took possession of the
property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but
upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $25.00, one-half the amount
agreed upon.  The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property,
and we ask judgement be granted against the defendant to assure payment of
the balance."
     The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his
opponent had presented the case.  His defense, therefore, was somewhat
different from the way he originally planned to present it.  "Your honor,"
he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property,
that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was
derived from the transaction.  However, my client found a well on the
property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected
a pump, all labor performed personally by him.  We claim these
improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount,
and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for rental of said
property.  We, therefore, ask that judgement not be granted."
     The young lady's lawyer answered thusly: "Your honor, my client
agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property.  However, had
the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented
the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed
the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him.  In doing
so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the
hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property
much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgement be
granted."
     And it was. She won the case ...................

315 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you save a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off of his head.

316 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4.  Let me run those
figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed  voice,
"How much do you want it to be?"

317 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign
remarking on the quality of proffesional brain offerred at this particular
brain store.  So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for <other generic proffesion> brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

318 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A lawer had just passed away leaving his family too poor to bury him.
They placed him in an empty room of the house, and went out to try and
collect the $30 they would need for the cheapest grave and toombstone.
The mother went door to door washing windows and made $10. The daughter
went door to door selling cookies and made $10.  The two young sons just
went door to door begging for money.  After the first day, the family had
collected $29.95 and were just a nickle short, so the boys went out to one
more house and asked the man who answered the door for 5 cents so they
could bury a lawyer.  "5 cents?" said the man.  "Here's a quarter, go bury
5 of them."

319 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
A: Make another notch on the steering wheel.

320 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What`s the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A: A hooker will stop fucking you when you`re dead.

321 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why didn't the doctor (any other misc. profession) pay the rent on his
   outhouse?
A: He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs.

322 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.
You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second one said, "I think librarians are easiest to operate on.  You
open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third one said, "I like to operate on electricians.  You open them up
and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, I like to operate on lawyers.  Because they are
heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are
interchangable."
Dear Prospective Employer:

333 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q:  How do you know when your pet elephant has been amorous with you?
A:  Your asshole hurts like all hell and there's a thick creamy paste at the
    back of your throat.

334 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What would you see if you looked up a Somali's asshole?
A: Cobwebs!

335 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed in the morning?
A: Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Q: How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?
A: If her ankles swell up when she farts.

Q: Why do women have two holes so close together?
A: In case you miss.

Q: What do you get when you cross a gay Eskimo and a black?
A: A snowblower that doesn't work.

Q: What's the definition of confusion?
A: 20 lesbians at a fish market.

336 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How can you tell your wife is dead?
A: Sex is the same but the dishes keep piling up.

337 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you kill a Marine?
A: Throw a bucket of sand against the wall and tell him to hit the beach.

Q: What's the Marine word for helicopter?
A: (Point upward) Ungh! Ungnngh!

Q: How many Marines does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Lean in close to the listener's face and growl) None! Marines aren't afraid
   of the dark!

338 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    It was inspection time, a weekly affair at the Defense Language
School in Monterey, California, and after a particularly anal-retentive
Marine officer gigged a bunch of us enlisted types on our haircuts, which
were plainly WITHIN regulations, thank-you-very-much, and since we knew
we'd have the same joker inspecting us NEXT week, almost all of us on the
hallway of 2-man rooms decided to shave our heads in
protest-find-something-wrong-with-my-hair-NOW-mother-fucker.  So, the
night before inspection, we buzzed it all off.  Later that night, I decide
to take my bright, bald head to a movie in town with a couple of my
hairy-headed friends.  So we're there in line, and I hear some snickering
about my bright, bald head.  No problem, I can take it.  We get our seats,
and I hear the same two girls, about my age, still snickering about my big
bald head.  So I turn around, give them a real hard look and say, "Yeah,
sure.  Chemotherapy when you're 18's real funny, isn't it?!!"  My friends
almost hurt themselves keeping from laughing as those two girls fell all
overthemselves apologizing!  Twelve years later I still smile about it.

339 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's Black and Brown and would look good on Jeff Kennett?
A: A Rottweiller.

Q: Why do so many people take an instant dislike to Jeff Kennett?
A: Saves Time.

Q: What is the difference between recession, depression and recovery ?
A: A recession is when your neighbour is out of work
   A depression is when you are out of work
   A recvery is when Paul Keating is out of work !

Q: How long does it take a black woman to take a shit?
A: Nine Months!!!!

340 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

An engineer, an architect and a city planner are discussing what is
God's professional training.  For purposes of example, they are making
reference to the gorgeous young lady at the other end of the bar.

The engineer says, "Look at the perfectly functioning interworking of
the parts.  Everything does just what it was intended to do, and does
it without complaint for up to 70 years.  God is an engineer."

The architect says, "Look at the beauty and craftsmanship.  Every line
flows smoothly into the next, a classic example of 'poetry in motion.'
God is definitely an architect."

The city planner says, "God may be an engineer, or He may be an
architect.  I can guarantee you that He is not a city planner."

The other two ask how he came to this conclusion and he replies,
"Because no city planner in his right mind would put the recreational
facilities that close to the waste dump."

341 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a white man combined with a pedophile?
A: A priest!

Q: What do you call a five year old boy in a roomfull of white men?
A: Jail bait!

Q: What is the difference between eating pussy and driving in the fog?
A: You can see the asshole in front of you while eating pussy.

Q: What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A: You have to move both of htem out of the way when you eat.

342 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    An explorer goes into the jungle and comes across an Indian. The Indian
has one feather in his headdress.
    "What's the feather for?"
    "I fucked one squaw(sp.)."
    He goes deeper into the forest and meets another Indian; this one with two
feathers.
    "What are the feathers for?"
    "I fucked two squaws."
    He goes on and finally enters the village where he meets the chief who has
an entire headdress adorned with feathers.
    "What are all of the feathers for?"
    "I fucked the entire village."
    To which the explorer replies, "Oh dear!"
    "I already fucked one."
    Shocked, the explorer says, "You should be hung."
    "I already am!"

343 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is the similarity of a beer and my lawyer?
A: Both are as best, when they are cold and opened on the kitchen table.

Q: What is it that you can`t shove it up in your ass, and doesn`t vibrate?
A: A russian a-vib.

Q: What is it that is black, porous and is attached to the ceiling?
A: A polish electrician.

Q: Why did the blondes navel hurt?
A: Who told you that blonde boys are intelligent?!

Q: why did god give black people soul?
A: because he gave them crappy hair.

Q: why did god give white people brains?
A: because he gave them short cocks.

Q: What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common ?
A: They both circle Uranus looking for klingons.

343 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Four people were sitting in a pew waiting to confess.  The first one went
into the confessional and told the priest "I stole a car today."  The
priest told him to say 50 Hail Marys and drink one cup of holy water.  The
third person burst out laughing when he drank the holy water.  The second
one went in and said "I cheated on my wife."  The priest told him to say
100 Hail Marys and drink 2 cups of holy water.  After he had drank the holy
water, the third guy was rolling in the aisle, crying from laughing.  The
fourth person asked what was so funny and the third guy said "I came to
confess that I pissed in the holy water.

344 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three men are on the long staircase up to heaven and are stopped by God. He
asks the first, how many times have you cheated on your wife ?".
The man guiltily looks at God and says "Eight times oh lord...". God replies
"You will be punished, you must drive this thundersley invacar around heaven".
    God then looks at the next man and asks the same, to which the
response is "Only twice oh lord", "Twice is enough" says God "you will be
restricted to this Escort XR3i", thats not bad thinks the man happily.
    The last man is asked the same and he proudly answers never, God says
"you are a good man, you will have this Ferrari to drive", but on turning
to give the man the keys, he sees the man is crying, "Why do you cry my
child ?",

"I've just seen my wife go by on Roller Skates !!!"

345 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This redneck was out driving one day and saw a priest who's car
had died so he decided to give him a lift to the nearest town.
As they were driving along, the redneck spots a black guy hitchiking
and has the massive urge to run him over with the car. Since the
priest was in the car, he didn't want to make it too obvious so he
let out a big yawn and swerved the car over as if he lost control
for a minute . . . WHAM . . . and the black guy goes flying. The
redneck slams on the brakes and says "Oh my God . . .I just hit that
poor guy!" The priest replies back "No you didn't my son . . . you
missed him." The redneck says "What do you mean I missed him? The car
just hit him and he went flying!" Then the priest replies back again
"No son . . .*you* missed him, *I* had to nail him with the door!"

346 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the difference between Rodney King and Martin Luther King?
A: One was the king of clubs, the other was the king of spades!

347 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk,
the receptionist asked "Yes sir,may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go
outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with
your ear or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The
receptionist
smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear,
sir?"

"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.

348 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yeah dammnit, I'm white!
But I have black people in my family tree!

Matter of fact I think there still hanging there!

349 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    For some reason unknown to man, a woman saves her used menstrual pads and
puts them in her closet.  One night, this woman is screwing a man when she
hears her husband come home.  She frantically pushes her mate into the closet
and tells him, "Don't come out until I say it's okay."  Her husband, however,
surprises her with a two week vacation to Cancun, and their flight left in one
hour.  The woman, forgetting about the man in her closet, left for Cancun.

    Upon returning, she remembers the man in her closet.  Horrified that he is
dead, she opens the closet door, only to find him alive and well.  "Thank God,
I thought you had starved."
"Nonsense."  he replied, "I just lived off the jelly rolls you had piled up
 in here."

350 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

  Perhaps one of the most interesting words in the English language today is
the word "FUCK". It is one magical word, just by its sound. You can describe
pain, pleasure, love and hate. In language fuck falls into many grammatical
categories. It can be used as a verbal intransitive ( Dave fucked Ann ) and
as transitive ( Ann was fucked by Dave). As an adverb ( Ann is a good fuck )
and also as an adjective ( Ann is fucking beatiful ). As you can see, there
are not many words with the versitality of "FUCK". Besides the sexual
connotation of the word, there are also the following:

    Greeting        How the fuck are you?
    Fraud           I got fucked at the car auction.
    Dismay          Oh, fuck it.
    Trouble         Well I guess I am fucked now.
    Aggression      Fuck you!
    Greeting        How the fuck are you?
    Displeasure     What the fuck is going on here?
    Incompetence    He fucks up everything.
    Lost            Where the fuck are we?
    Retaliation     Up your fucking ass!
    Disbelief       Unfuckinbelievable.


And remember general Custer's famous las words :

    "Where did all them fucking indians come from?"

And also the last words of the mayor of Hiroshima :

    "What the fuck was that?"

And last but not least, those immortal words of the captain of Titanic :


From aus.jokes Thu May 12 08:40:43 1994
Path: werple.apana.org.au!yarrina.connect.com.au!harbinger.cc.monash.edu.au!merlin!mel.dit.csiro.au!etrog.se.citri.EDU.AU!jaguar.catt.citri.edu.au!jck
~From: [e-mail] (Justin Kibell)
~Newsgroups: aus.jokes
~Subject: Dirty Jokes II - [3 of 5]
~Date: 4 May 1994 00:33:50 GMT
Organization: CATT Centre at CITRI
~Lines: 3000
~Sender: jck@jaguar (Justin Kibell)
Distribution: world
Message-ID: <2q6qhe$[e-mail]>
NNTP-Posting-Host: jaguar.catt.citri.edu.au

    "Where is all this fucking water coming from?"

Who could forget John Lennon's last words:

    "That's not a fucking real gun!"

Or Noah's big slip:

    "Course they're not fucking rain clouds!"

Finally, Einstein on his E=mc2

    "Of course everyone will fucking understand it."

351 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy is sitting at the bar in a hick town. He's talking to the
bartender about the recent events in town.
The bartender says, "Did 'ja hear about the black guy they found out in the
swamp? He had been stabbed 7 times, and shot 12 times!"
The guy is shocked, and says, "No kidding!"
To which the bartender replies, "Yeah, one of the worst cases of suicide this
county has seen"

352 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q:  What do you call a black man at the winter olympics?
A1: A porter.
A2: Jamacan Bobsled Team ... :^)

Q.  Why does Michael shriek so loud when he grabs his crotch?
A.  He's got Macaughly Culkin down his trousers.

Q: what is best in fucking four years old?
A: to listen the crackle sound of the collapsing pelvis bones

353 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    There once was two guys playing frizbee on a beach in california.
Thay were havin a great time untill on guy missed his catch.  While he was
looking for the frizbee he came upon a girl with no arms and no legs.  She
was crying, so he asked her " what's the matter honey?  Why are you crying?"
and she said " well I've never been kissed before."  So the guy takes pity
on her and gives her a kiss.  Then he picks up the frizbee and returns to
his game.
    A little while later the same guy missed the frizbee again and it
landed beside the same girl.  When he went to pick it up he noticed that she
was crying again.  So he asked her why she was crying again and she replied
that she had never been hugged before.  So again taking pity on the girl,
the guy gives her a hug, picks up his frizbee and goes back to his game.
    And once again the guy misses another catch.  He goes to where the
girl is and notices that she is bawling her eyes out.  Now by this time he
is getting annoyed.  But he stays calm.  And asks her what is the problem
now and she says " well I've never been fucked before".  So the guy picks
her up and throws her in the water and says " Now your fucked"

354 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time there was a land named boghart the King of this kingdom
was supposed to be the most pious person in the whole of republic even more
than the arcbishop. One day he was going hunting ,he took along the bishop
so that he is not misguided.
When he saw the first deer he shot an arrow but it missed the deer by quite
a margin he cried out :"Oh Shit missed him" the bishop warned the king if
you swear three times Gates of hell will open and lightening will strike you
the king said okay.
The same thing happened again the bishop warned the king about it
the king again said okay.
This happened again he missed the deer and cried "0H SHIT missed him"

Suddenly the gates of hell opened and lightening struck but insted of
the king it struck the bishop and a loud noise was heard from hell that of
satan"OH SHIT MISSED him"

355 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's another name for a pizza?
A: An abortion on toast!

356 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A father decided that his son was old enough to learn about sex,
so he sent the boy down to the local whorehouse with a duck to use
as payment.
The boy told the madam who he was, and she led him into one of the rooms.
The whore took the duck (did I mention it was a live one?) and set it
down, and showed the boy the ways of sex.
They both had a great time, and the whore said, "I'll give you back the
duck if you'll have sex with me again, ok?"
How could he refuse this?  So they did it again, and he took the duck
with him when he (finally!!) left.
Now, he had to cross a busy highway on the way home, and as he was
crossing the street with his duck (on a leash, of course) this truck
drove by and killed the duck.  *splat!*
The boy wasn't that upset because he had already planned on using the
duck as collateral, but the driver jumped out of the truck, apoligised
profusely, and gave the boy $2.
When he got home, his father asked him how it went: "You've been gone
awhile, son!" *wink!*
And the boy responded:
"Yeah, it was great!  I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and
two bucks for a fucked-up duck!!!"

357 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's invisible and smells of dog food. ?
A: A pensioners' fart ?

358 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy had never had sex before, so his buddies set him up with this
whore for a couple of hours.  He really had NO clue, and when she sat
down on the bed completely naked, she says, "Do you know what I want?"
He lookes at her and says, "No" and then she lies down on the bed and
starts rubbing her breasts and moaning and she says, "do you know what
I want?"  And he says, "No"
So then she spreads her legs *wide open* and starts fingering herself
and says, "NOW do you know what I want?"
And he says, "Yeah - you want the whole bed to yourself!"

359 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another guy who had never had sex before, and his buddies set him up
with a whore.
She shows him how to do a 69, and so they're going at it, and he's
*lovin'* it! but then she lays a fart . . . he thinks, "okay, not too
bad, I can deal with this."  So he's back into it, lovin' it, and she
lays another one.  He still is loving the position too much to do
anything but this new act.  But then she lays _another_ one, and
he can take it no longer.  He says, "This position is great, but can you
lay the other 66 in the bathroom?!?!?"

360 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

OK, there were these two guys in a bar.  They were drinking it up pretty
heavily, especially one of them.  He is looking around the room, and he
seems pretty interested in the corner.  His friend asks him what he is
looking at, so he says, "Hey, is it just me, or does that guy in the corner
look just like Hitler?"  Well, the second guy says, "Yeah, he sure does,
but it's not him.  He died, remember?"  The first guy says, "Yeah, I know,
it's just that, well, ..." and trails off.  After a few more rounds, the
first guy is entranced once again by the men in the corner.  He decides
that he is going to go over and sit down with them.
     He does so.  He asks the man (who has looked more and more like Hitler
the closer he gets to him) "Say, has anybody ever told you that you look
like Adolph Hitler?"  The moustached man says, "Vy, yess, my friend, zat
eez because I am, and zeez eez my goot friend Josef Goebbels."  The drunk
man says, "No shit.  I thought you died in the war?"  Well, Hitler says,
"No, zat was just a roose.  Ve haf been in hiding, planning the FINAL
SOLUTION."  The drunk asks, "What's the final solution?"
     Hitler says, "Ve are going to keel seex miilion Joose und fourteen
postal workers."
     The drunk man says, "Fourteen postal workers?  Are you crazy?"
Hitler turns to his friend and says, "See, Josef?  I told you nobody cares
about the Joose!"

361 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a boy praying at night and he says "God bless mommy, daddy,
grampa, and good-bye uncle fred".  And the next day uncle fred died
tragically by getting hit by a mac truck.
So the next night at prayertime, the boy says "God bless mommy, daddy,
and good-bye grampa".  The next day, grampa was playing golf and was hit
by lightning and then was drug out to the 18th hole and he died.
The next night people were getting real worried.  At prayertime, the
boy says, "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy".  Well, the next day
the father was especially careful and when he got home, his wife was
crying.  He asked, "Honey, what's wrong?".  She said, "The mailman
is lying dead on the front porch!".

362 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates on day, and , as he's new
in town and there's noone else scheduled to arrive for a while, St.
Peter decides to show him around. Walking through heaven, they come
upon a large wall. From the other side can be heard the sounds of a
piano being played and wine glasses clinking. "What's back there?"
ask's the bewildered man. St. Peter replies, " Shhh, those are the
Catholics. They like to think they're the only ones up here."

363 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     Another slow day at the gates, a priest arrives. The first
thing he asks St. Peter is why he is no longer clad as a priest
but as a common man. St. Peter explains that in heaven everyone
is equal so everyone dresses the same. St. Peter then procedes to chat
a while with the priest while showing him around heaven. Around
lunch, sitting in the cafeteria, the priest spies a man dressed
in a white gown with a stethescope hanging from his kneck. Rather
puzzeled, the priest asks St. Peter, "Who's that? I thought you
said we were all equal here." St. Peter looks at the oddly dressed
man and replies, "Oh, pay him no heed. That's just god, he likes
to play doctor occasionally."

364 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was driving when a policeman stopped him and asked if he realised that
his wife had fallen out of the car.  The man responded, 'Thank God, I thought
I had gone deaf".

365 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are these two gay guys, named Syrel (sp?) and Sessil (sp?),
driving happily along in their car.  As they came to an intersection,
they stopped for the red light.  All of a sudden a big semi-trailer comes
crunching through the back of their car!  Syrel and Sessil were really
pissed!  Syrel says to Sessil to get out of the car to tell off the
truck driver.

So Sessil gets out of the car and approaches the truck driver, who
apparently is one huge mother fucker (tattoos and all)!

"You bloody idiot!  Look at what you've done to our beloved car!",
exclaims Sessil.  "You're going to pay for this damage you know!".

"Suck my dick!", shouts the truck driver.

This prompted Sessil to go back to his car, to discuss the situation
with Syrel.

"I think he wants to settle out of court, Syrel..."

366 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some guy is walking down this dirt road out in the boonies somewhere.
Pretty soon he rounds a corner and sees this other guy laying down in the
road with a raging boner sticking straight up.  The guy walking donw the
road stares in shock and says "Jesus man! what the hell are you doing?!?!"
the guy in the road says " Im telling time, see its 12:00!"
Fred, the guy walking down the road, says whatever, and takes off running.
After about another mile or so he sees another guy laying down in the road
with a ragin boner sticking straight up!  Fred says "Your the second guy
I've seen today laying down in the road with a hard-on, your gonna tell me
your checking the time too i suppose?"  the other guy says "yup, I sure
am, see its 2:33!"  Fred, starting to wonder what the hell is going on,
takes off running againg.  Pretty soon he is nearing a town and out in the
road in fron of this old shack is this old man laying down on his back
jacking off for all he is worth.  Fred yells "HOLY SHIT MAN! what is the
world are YOU doing?!?!?!"  The old man says "Im winding my watch!"

367 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's the difference between Adolf Hitler and a fag?
   (give Nazi salute then flop your wrist down fag-style)
A. About 45 degrees.

368 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two guys go into a whore house.  The first guy goes into the whore's room.
She's laying there naked, but he sees this *HUGE* scab right on here pussy.
He's so disgusted, he jumps out the window.  (It's only on the first floor,
he lives.)  The other guy is waiting in the hall, and getting hornier by the
minute.  Soon, he figures his buddy must be finished, so he goes in.  He
sees the *HUGE* scab, but he's soo excited, he just ripps it off and throws
it out the window.  He fucks her, pays her, and leaves.  He finds his friend
sitting outside the building and says, "Sorry I took so long, she was really
good."

His friend says, "That's alright, I had time to eat that pizza somebody
threw at me."

369 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     A priest is hearing confession in an Italian church.  First, a woman
enters the confessional and confesses, "I cheat with Antonio, I cheat with
Luchiano."  He gives her penance and she leaves.  The next woman enters and
confesses, "I cheat with Antonio, I cheat with Luchiano."  The next woman to
confess says the same thing.  Finally the priest gets tired of hearing this and
says.  "I no like this, this cheat, cheat, cheat.  Tell the women of the town
from now on, no cheat, fall.  'I fall with Antonio, I fall with Luchiano.'"
From that day forward, all the women used 'fall' instead of 'cheat' when they
were in the confessional.

     After a few years, the priest left and a new priest came to the parish.
The new priest did not know that the women used 'fall' instead of 'cheat'.
After hearing confession for 3 weeks, the priest went to the mayor of the town.
"Mayor, I think you should do something about the sidewalks in the town, cause
 in confession, they all say they fall; there's people falling all over the
 place."
The mayor knew about the 'fall'-'cheat' thing so he assured the new priest,
"Don't worry about it, it's really no problem at all."
"Sir, you SHOULD be worried about it," replied the priest, "Your wife fell
four times this week!"

370 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do tampons have strings?
A: Cause it's always good to floss after you eat!

371 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's worse than having AIDS?
A: Being allergic to latex.

372 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

It ain't easy being a dick....

- I've got a head I can't think with...
- An eye I can't see out of...
- I have to hang around with two nuts all the time...
- My closest neighbour is an asshole...
- Worst of all my owner beats me all the time...
- And my best friend is a pussy...
- And now because of AIDS I have to wear this rubber suit and throw up all
  over myself!!!!

373 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

AIDS  -  Anal-Injected Death Syndrome

374 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: what does MARINE stand for?
A: muscles are required intelligence not essential

375 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A black student from NYU writes to his parents back to Africa:

"...Everything is fine. I am treated like a human being..."

A few weeks later he gets a reply from his mom.

"Dear son, we are very glad to hear that you are alright. But we had
a small accident lately. When I told your father that you were being treated
like human, he got so surprized that he fell off a tree and broke his tail."

376 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

In a gay bar, a fag sits down and orders hot water only.  The bartender raises
his eyebrows:
"What's wrong with you, aren't you gay anymore?
The fag takes out a bag of dried sperm:
"I have a sore throat, gotta drink tea."

377 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two men were out hunting, one of which was incredily dumb. They had been
on a stand all day and had seen nothing.  As they were walking back to camp,
a beautiful 10-point deer stepped in front of them and was immediately shot.
The dumb man said, "I'm sorry, but after sitting in that stand all day, I
have to take a monster shit."  The smart man said "O.K.  There's a hollow
stump about 50 yards to the south."  As the dumb man walked off, the smart
man started cleaning the deer.  About an hour and a half later, the smart
man went to check up on the dummy.  He found the dumb-ass asleep on the
stump.  As a joke, he decided to put the guts from the deer under the dummy.
Thirty minutes later, the dummy staggered back to camp, bowlegged and cursing.
When the smart man asked what was wrong, the dumb-ass replied, "You won't
believe this, but I fell asleep on the stump and shit my guts out.  But with
the Good Lord's help and a stick, I got them back in."

378 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: hear about the gay whale?
A: he bit off the tip of a submarine and sucked out all the seamen.

379 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

there's a white, a black man, and a polak wandering in the
desert.  the white man says, "man, if i were back home, i'd
guzzle down a gallon of water."  the black man goes, "bump
that!  give me a swimming pool any day!"  the polak says,"i
wish i had a car door...i'd roll down the window."

380 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's a white man, black man, and a polak about to get
execute by a firing squad.  the general asks them if the have
any last words.  the black man goes,"yeah, i do."  the general
says, "what are they?"  the black man points behind them and
yells TORNADO!!!.  they all look around.  when the turn back,
the black man is gone.  thw white man then says, "i have a few
words...HURRICANE!!" they all turn around, when they look back
he's gone.  the general then says, "we still have you my
friend.  what are your last words?"  the polak says, "FIRE!!"

381 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    there were these three morticians talking about their
greatest feats.  first one says, "i had this soldier who stepped
on a land mine.  took me three days to get him ready for an
open casket funeral!!"  the next guy says, "oh yeah?  i had
this construction worker fall 15 stories.  then he got run over
by a steam roller, but i had him ready for an open casket
funeral in two days!!!"  the third guy sulks in the corner,
"man.  both y'all got me beat.  i had this lady parachutist who
landed on the empire state building.  it took me four days just
to get the grin off her face."

382 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: why doesn't mexico have an olympic team?
A: because anyone who can run jump or swim is already in
   the US.

Q: hear about the great wall of china?
A: they say it has chinks in it.

383 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Three explorers are mapping out unknown territory in the deepest,
darkest parts of Africa.  One day, they encounter a hostile tribe of
natives and are captured.  Taken before the tribal chief, the three
explorers are given a choice as to what they can do.
    "You can choose one of two things," says the chief.  "You can
choose death, or you can choose bunga-bunga."
    The youngest of the explorers thinks to himself that he has most
of his life in front of him, and anything would be preferable to being put
to death, so he tells the chief, "I'll take bunga-bunga."
    The entire male population of the village screws the first
explorer up the butt, until he drops from exhaustion.
    The second explorer sees this, and thinks to himself that he, too
has a promising career in front of him.  He tells the chief, "I'll take
bunga-bunga as well."
    The entire male population of the village gives it to him up the
pooper, until he drops from exhaustion.
    The third explorer is an older man, so he thinks about it for a
little longer.  He thinks to himself that since most of his career is
over, he should probably choose death in order to save his dignity, so he
tells the chief, "I'll choose death."
    The chief thinks about this for a while, and says to the third
explorer, "Very well - you shall have death... by bunga-bunga."

384 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There is this guy, and he is at a bar with four friends of his.  They
are all drinking and telling stories and having a good time.  Well
the guys turn to buy the drinks comes and so he heads to the bar.
He walks up to the bartender and says "I'll bet you double or nothing
on a round of drinks that I can bite my right eyeball."  Well the
bartender is a pretty good sport and really doesn't see how he can lose
so he says sure.  The guy pops out his right eye, puts it in his mouth
and bites it.  The bartender gets a little upset about being had, but
a bet is a bet so the guy gets a free round of drinks.  A little
later the guys turn comes up again so once more he walks up to the
bartender.  This time the guy says, "I'll bet you twenty dollars
against a round of drinks that I can bite my left eyeball."  Now,
the bartender has seen this guy walk around the bar ok so he knows
that the left eye can't be glass and though he is still upset about
the first bet he doesn't see how he can lose so he agrees.  Well
the guy takes out his false teeth holds them up to his left eye
and bites his eye.  This really pisses of the bartender, but a
bet is a bet so the guy gets a free round of drinks.  Finaly the
guys turn to buy a round comes up again.  He walks up to the
bartender and says, "I'll bet you fifty dollars against a round of
drinks that I can stand at one end of the bar and fill a beer glass
on the other end of the bar with piss without spilling a drop."
At this point the bartender has been stewing and is really p.o.
but he just can't see how he can lose this time so he agrees.
Well the guy gets up on the bar and the bartender sets up a glass
at the far end.  The guy whips out his dick and proceeds to piss
all over the bar, I mean piss goes everywhere.  The bartender is
just estatic, he jumps up and down laughing cause he knows he
finally got the guy.  The guy zips up and jumps down from the bar
and hands over fifty dollars to the bartender.  The bartender asks
him "Why did you make such a stupid bet, you didn't actually think
you could do it did you?" and the guy replies "No.  But I bet
everyone at the table $100 that I could get you to let me piss
all over your counter and that you would be happy about it."

385 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was this mouse which wanted to screw an elephant.  It tried many
times and was not successful. One day the elephant felt sorry for the
poor thing, and let the mouse screw her.  Mouse was realy happy and
was screwing.  We all know that elephants keep waving their ears. Well
this elphant was no exception and it waived it ears.  Seeing this mouse
ran near elphant's ears and asked, "Am I hurting you??".

386 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you know God is a Man?
A: If God were Female, sperm would be chocolate flavored.

Q: What is more disgusting, dirty, immoral, and diseased than a faggot?
A: A faggy sympathizer!

387 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day this guy and his girlfriend decide to have sex in a new and unusual
way.  They decide that he should fuck her with his big toe.  One week later,
his girlfriend starts to notice a weird fungus growing on her vagina.  She
decides to go to the doctors and get it checked out.  The doctor says to
her, "jeesh, twice in one week!"  Naturally she is startled by this and
says, "what what???"  The doctor replies, "well earlier this week we had a
guy in here with herpes on his foot!"  She says, "well doctor that doesn't
tell me what is wrong with me?"  The doctor says, "well dear it appears you
have Athlete's Vagina!!! "

388 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman starts dating a doctor.  Before too long she becomes pregnant and they
don't know what to do.  About nine months later, just about the time she is
going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland
infection.  The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do.  After I've
operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a
miracle."  "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.  "It's worth a
try," he says.  So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going
to believe this."  "What?" says the priest.  "What happened?"  "You gave birth
to a child."  "But that's impossible!"  "I just did the operation," insists the
doctor.  "It's a miracle!  Here's your baby."  About fifteen years go by, and
the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth.  One day he sits the
boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you.  I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"  The priest replies,
"I'm your mother.  The archbishop is your father."

389 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What happened to the cannibal who was late for dinner?
A: He was given a cold shoulder.

390 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A magician is doing his magic act and asks for a volumteer from the
audience. The magician hands the volunteer a sledgehammer. He then lays his head
down on a wooden block and tells the volunteer to hit his head as hard as he can
with the hammer. The volunteer refuses at first but after reasurances from the
magician that it will be alright, he winds up and brings the hammer down....

Ten years later the magician awakes from his coma and goes "TAH DAHHHHHHH!!!!"

391 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   A man goes into a pet store to buy his wife a gift.  So he asks the
clerk for something special.  The clerk walks over the the bird section.

   "This is Ches.  He was trained to sing Christmas carols. Watch."

   The clerk lights a match and puts it under one of Ches' feet. The parrot
immediantly starts to sing 'Jingle Bells'.

   "Why that's amazing!", exclaims the guy.

   The clerk lights another match, and puts in under the other foot. This time
the parrot starts singing 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer'.

   By this time the man is sold on the parrot, and so he pays the clerk and
takes the parrot home to his wife.  He lights a match and demonstrates
Ches' unique ability. The guy then lights a second match and does the the
same thing.  The wife and the guy enjoy the evening with their new pet.

   A couple of days later, the wife asks the man, "What would happen if
you put a match between his feet?"

   The guy shrugs his shoulder's and walks over to Ches, lights a match,
and puts it between the parrot's feet.

   "Chesnuts roasting on an open fire!"

392 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    This little girl see's her mother coming out of the shower one day
and she says "Mommy, Mommy, what are those?  The mother replies those are
my breasts dear. The girl said "am I going to get those?" The Mother said
"someday".
    A couple of weeks later the little girl see's her dad coming out of
the shower. She says "Daddy, Daddy, What is that?  He said that's my penis
dear." The girl said "am I gonna get one of those?" He said "Yeah in five
minuits when your mom goes to bingo."

393 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes to the sea of Galilea (spelling?) and enquires about a boat ride.
"$20" says the guy in the boat.
"What you're crazy, that's daylight robbery!" Says the man.
"Well, you must remeber, Jesus walked on this lake" Says the man in the boat.
"At these prices? no bloody wonder....."

394 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the difference between a venereal disease and a clever midget?
A: The first one is a running cunt and the second one is a cunning runt.

395 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

An ant helps an elephant get some glass out of his foot.
The elephant says, "Is there anything that I can do to
repay you?"  "Well," says the ant, "I'd like to fuck you
up the ass."

The elephant suppresses a smile and says yes.  The ant
crawls up the elephant's leg and starts.  The elephant,
ignoring the ant, starts to walk away, then steps on
another piece of glass and yells.  The ant yells back,
"Suffer, you bitch, and take it all!"

396 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The busdriver had worked in Johannesburg, South Africa, all his life.
And he was sick of it.  Driving the bus wasn't too bad, it was the
constant interracial bickering he couldn't stand.  (See, told you
it was subtle!)

One day, one of the whites daubed himself with shoe polish and acted
the way he claimed niggers should act.  That was the last straw for
this bus driver.  PING!  He stopped the bus.

"EVERYBODY OUT!"

Everybody looked at everybody else.  What's going on?

"EVERYBODY OUT!! NOW!!"

So everybody got out.  Middle of Jo'burg, middle of peak hour; cars
building up, motorists getting furious, and in the middle, this bus,
a pissed off bus driver, and a busload of passengers, some black,
some white.

The bus driver approached one of the whites.  "What colour are you?"

"(Stupid question, are you colour blind?)  White."

The driver clouted him.  OW!  "You're green.  What colour are you?"

"White."

Clout again, harder.  "YOU'RE GREEN.  What colour are you?"

"Er, green?"

"Very good."  He approached one of the non-whites (as they are so delicately
described in South Africa).  "You're green.  What colour are you?"

"I'm green?"

"Excellent."  And he went through the whole busload.  And everyone agreed,
sure, we're green.

"You're all green.  Got it?  No colour difference.  None at all.  Okay?"

Everyone nodded.

"Good.  Back on the bus.  Light greens up the front, dark greens at the back..."

397 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into a whorehouse and told the madam, "I've had all the normal
fucks a man can have.  I want something very unusual."  The madam said "O.K.
but it'll cost you $500."  He paid the madam and walked into a room where
a slightly attractive woman was lying.  He said "The madam said that you
were very special.  What do you do that is so unusual?"  At that point, she
got on her knees and pull out her fake eye and said "Go ahead. Fuck my
eyehole."  The man did so and when he was finished said "That was great.
I think I'll come back tomorrow and do this again."  And she replied "Sounds
good to me.  I'll keep an eye out for you."

398 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The standard joke is South Australia has been "What's the capital of
Victoria?"

Answer: "About $1.50!"

399 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I go to a woman in the red light district who gives an
incredible blow job - she sings while she does it, and you
can make out every word - I've no idea how !" said the first
man.

So next night, the man follows his friends recommendation, and
goes to see the woman.

"Hello, I'm told you can give an incredible blow job whilst
singing" he says.

"Yes, thats twenty pounds" she replied.

The man pays her and is getting undressed when she says :
"Turn out the lights, I'm a bit shy"

"Ok," the man thinks, "thats fair enough".  So he turns out
the lights. A few seconds later he feels the woman take his
dick in her hands and starts sucking.

"Wow - she's pretty good" he thinks.

Suddenly, she starts singing, as clear as day - every word
perfectly pronounced.

"Bloody hell, he thinks, thats cool !"

When shes finishes, the man redresses and turns on the lights,
where he sees the woman bent over a dressing table in the
corner.

"What are you doing ?" he asks.

"Oh, hold on - I'm just putting my glass eye back in !"

400 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A priest and a rabbi are talking. The priest asks the rabbi,
"How come you don't eat pork?" The rabbi replies, "because it's
against my religion." "You should try it," says the priest, "it's
better than matzo."
    A moment later the rabbi inquires of the priest, "Why don't
you have sex?" "Because it's against *my* religion," answers the
priest.
    The rabbi smiles. "You should try it. It's better than pork."

401 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was walking through the forest in Costa Rica.  He kept hearing about the
legend of the foo bird.  The legend goes like this...If you're walking through
the forest and the foo bird shits on you, don't wash it off, or else you'll die
.  So the man manages to avoid the bird for all 4 days he was there.  As he's
leaving the forest, he hears the call of the bird.  He looks out, up, down, all
over and doesnt' see it, but he sure does feel a nice gooey mess on his head.
Well the poor guy has a hissy.  he doesnt' know what to do.  So he leaves it
there on his head, for fear of dying.  He goes weeks without washing his hair
until he just can't stand the decaying shit rotting in his hair.  So after 3
weeks, he washes his hair, not heeding the Foo Legend.  Two hours later, the
man dies a horrendous death.

What's the moral of the story???

If the Foo Shits, Wear it!!!

402 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What has 92 Balls and screws old ladies??
A: BINGO!!

403 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two men were sitting next to each other on the train, a black, and
a white.  The white asked if it was really that bad being coloured.

The black became incensed, and replied "When you were born, you were
pink; when you are embarrassed, you're red, when you are frightened,
you're white, when you're sick, you're green, and when you get cold,
you're blue, AND YOU CALL ME COLOURED?!!"

404 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy, steve, decides to go out and find a sex show, he's away from his wife
on a business trip in London, so he goes to Soho to find one.  On arriving at
a rather suspect kind of joint he enters and realises he's only got 2 pounds
on him.  He walks to the reception desk and says "How much to watch the show?"
The woman replies "20 pounds".  "What can I get for 2?"  he asks.  The woman
sends him down the corridor to the second door on the left.  On enter he sees
the room is bare with the exception of what looked like a small river passing
through the room.  He's just about to go and ask the lady what was going on
when he saw a duck go through the room on the water.  He waits a minute and
sees the duck go passed again.  The man looks around and doesn't see anything
else so when the duck came bnack through he grabs it and gives it a good shag.
The man leaves feeling brilliant and thanks the woman at the desk.  The
following night he decides to go back again but this time he makes sure he has
twenty pounds and on paying is directed to the first door on the left.  When he
goes in he sees a man looking through a spy hole and spots some more so he
looks through into the next room.  When he looks into the other room he sees a
guy shagging an elephant.  Steve turns to the man in the same room and says
"This is fucking brilliant!!"  The man replies, "If you think this is good you
should have the guy shagging the duck last night."

405 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man with a poodle walks into a bar, orders a drink and asks for a
pack of Camels. The bartender told the man he was sorry, but they had
just run out of cigarettes. "Don't worry 'bout it" reassured the man
"I'll just send my dog across the street for some."
Going though his pockets, the man realized he only had a R50 note. "Pack
of Camels, pal" he said slipping the money into the dogs mouth "And I
want to see plenty of change". The dog trotted off out the door.
"The dog is something else" said an admiring customer "Is he really
going to bring you back a pack of cigarettes?"
"You bet. My dog can do anything.." But then his list of his poodles
exploits was interrupted by the screech of tires outside the bar.
Turning pale the dogs owner ran outside and to his relief saw his dog
had not been hit.
The reason for the for the cars sudden stop was very clear though. Right
in the middle of the road his poodle was humping another dog.
"What's going on?" asked the man running up to his dog. "You never did
anything like this before!!!"
Humping away the dog looked up and said "I've never had fifty bucks
before"

406 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This doctor took all the Psyco patients to a room and gave them all tall
stools to sit.  They he asked them to pretend that they are on a bicycle
and to peddle (as part of his treatment).  Well all started to peddle and
pretend that they were really on a bicycle.  But one of the patient just
sat there doing nothing.  The doc approached him and said why don't you
peddle your bicycle like others, for which the guy said "Are you fucking
stupid, I'm going downhill."

407 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What happened to the black lady who gave birth?
A: She got arrested for littering ..............

408 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the
shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.  The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry
honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow."  The husband, rejected,
turns over and tries to sleep.  Later, he rolls back over and taps his wife
again.  This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment
tomorrow too?."

409 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A doctor on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving
rather strangely.  The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an
imaginary steering wheel and making loud noises not unlike a Kenworth..
VRROOOOM, VRRROOOOMM...  SCREEEECH.....  "What are you doing?" enquires the
doctor.  "I'm taking this road train down to Barcelona," replies the ex-trucker.
Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off the doctor moves on to the next bed
where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers.
On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress.
"And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed.  "Well," pants
the man, "While he's in Barcelona, I'm fucking his wife."

410 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's green and flies over Poland?
A: Peter Panski.

Q: Did you hear the one about the queer deaf mute?
A: Neither did he.

Q: What goes "Marc, Marc"?
A: A dog with a harelip.

Q: What goes "Nort, Nort"?
A: A bull with a cleft palate.

Q: What did the Pollack do before going to the cockfight?
A: Greased his zipper.

Q: Did you hear about the man who couldn't spell?
A: He spent the night in a warehouse.

411 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why did the male monkey break off his relationship with the female giraffe?
A: The monkey was exhausted because the giraffe kept saying "Kiss me, fuck
   me, kiss me, fuck me, kiss me, fuck me..."

412 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Irish chaps took a trip to the USA to see the Everglade swamps in
Florida. They were travelling along in their little boat when, all of a
sudden, a huge alligator appeared by the side of the boat and snapped
it's jaw at them a couple of times.
"Good god Jimmy" screamed a frightened Murphy "Did you take a look at
that monster? It could gobble us both up in seconds!"
"Fiddlesticks, you big sissy. Watch this" Jimmy laughed as he pulled
down his pants and put his pecker right into the alligator's open mouth
Ten seconds later he removed it just before the alligator slammed it's
jaws shut.
"Mary, mother of Jesus. How did you do that?" asked an amazed Murphy.
"Oh, it was nothing, " bragged Jimmy "Why don't you try it?"
"I'd like to, Jimmy, me old friend, but I don't think I can open my
mouth that wide"

413 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK

1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomise
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanise your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!

414 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two priests and a nun are on a ship when it sinks. They end up stranded
on an island. Two weeks later, the nun feels so guilty about what she's
been doing that she kills herself. Two weeks after that, the priests
feel so guilty about what they've been doing that they bury her. Two
weeks later, the priests are feeling so guilty about what they've been
doing that they dig her up again.

415 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two actors who were in constant competition with each other were sitting
in a bar one evening having a drink. The one guy reached over to the
other one and rubbed his bald head. He said "You know something, your
head feels exactly the same as my wifes ass". The bald guy reached up,
rubbed his head and replied "You know, you're right"

416 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

An oldish chap strolls into a bar and takes a seat. The bartender asks
him if he would like a drink and he says "Tried drink once, didn't like
it". The barman then asks him if he would like a cigarette to which he
replies "Tried tobacco once, didn't like it". The bartender is
frustrated and says "Well then, what the hell are you doing in a bar".
The chap replies "I'm just meeting my son here".
The barman says "Lemme guess, only child?"

417 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes into the doctors office, complaining about his severe stutter.  The
doctor axamines him and comes to the conclusion that the man's cock was too
long, and he suggested that he have an operation to shorten it.  The man had
the operation and went home, stutterless!  A week or two went by, and the man
came back to the doctors office, he said "Thank you Doctor, my stutter is now
completely gone, but my wife does not like my new size. Is it possible to put
that little piece back on, even if I do get the stutter back."

The doctor looked at him funny for a while and finally said "n-n-n-no
f-f-f-fuck-k-k-k-ing c-c-c-c-h-h-ance!!!"

418 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jim was on a train recently and sat down next to another passenger and
couldn't help overhearing his conversation out the window with a man
standing on the platform.
"Thanks for putting up with me while I was here, Sam" said the
passenger.
"Glad to do it", replied Sam
"Thanks for the food and the drinks - Everything was wonderful"
"It was a pleasure" said Sam "And thank your wife, Sam - She was great"
said the passenger as the train started pulling off "I really enjoyed
sleeping with her"
Jim was taken aback by this exchange and turned to his fellow passenger
and said "Pardon me, sir, but I couldn't help overhearing your
conversation. Did I understand you to say that you enjoyed sleeping with
your friend's wife?"
"Well," said the fellow passenger, "I didn't really enjoy it. But Sam is
a hell of a nice guy"

419 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is the height of grossness?
A: Eating a full bottle of mayonnaise and then finding a used condom at the
   bottom!

420 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times..
He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've
overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won't be able to
make love more than 30 times!"  The man walks home (deeply depressed); his
wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor
said concerning his problem.  He tells her what the doc told him.  She says:
"Oh my god, only 30 times!  We should not waste that; we should make a list!"
He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home; sorry your name is
not on it!"

421 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This old man takes his wife to the doctor.  After the examination, the doctor
takes the man aside and says: "I've got some bad news for you.  Your wife
either has AIDS or Alzheimer's Disease, but I can't tell which."  "That's
terrible," says the man, "what should we do?"  "Well," replies the doctor,
"I'll give you a thirty minute head start before I send her home.  And if
she makes it, don't fuck her!!!"

422 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.  Shortly after he recovers from
his an anesthetic his surgeon comes in and tells him:  "Well, I've got good
news and I've got bad news for you."  "Give me the bad news first, Doc." says
the patient.  "I'm afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during
surgery, son."  "Oh my god!" the patient cries, breaking into tears.  "But
the good news", the doctor adds, "is that we had them biopsied and you'll be
relieved to know that they weren't malignant."

423 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time, somewhere in Italy, there lived a vampire. This
vampire kidnapped it's victims, sucked them dry, and put them away.
However, this lifestyle was leading to dead corpses lying about the vampire's
house, and something had to be done. Fortunately, there was a river nearby,
and the vampire decided to dump the corpses in the river. Each evening, the
vampire would collect as many of these corpses and carry them off to a bridge
on the river where he would stand on the bridge, and throw them in the water.
This river was a popular route for gondolas, and quite regularly, one of the
bloodless corpses would fall on the person who rows the gondolas.
Now, the gondoliers liked to sing a lot, and ever since the incidents with the
corpses, their favourite song was: "Drained Wops keep falling on my head".

424 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This guy's been dating this totally awesome woman, and finally decides to
pop the question. She agrees, but on the condition that he first meet her
parents before he decides for sure. So he says fine and the following
evening they go to her house. Upon entering he sees this old man and old
woman sitting staring at the TV set.

"Good evening", he says

No response.

"Oh, sorry, I forgot to tell you, they're completely deaf and dumd, just
sit here, I'll only be a sec," so he sits down.

A half an hour passes and the parents havent budged an inch, both staring
at the TV, when suddenly the Old woman stands up, grabs a glass of wine,
pulls her panties open, and procedes to pours it down her panties. The guy
can't believe this, but, as she sits down, the old man whips out his dick,
starts masturbating, breaks a match in half, stretches open his eyelid and
sticks the match in his eye. The guy is dumbfounded, and runs to the womans
room and tells her her parents are totally MAD! and explains to her what
they did.

"No, no!", explains the woman, "they were only talking to each other."

"My mother said 'Get the cunt some wine', and my father replied 'Fuck him,
I'm watching the match' "

425 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

  Dave and Mike are snowmobiling up north. They're riding side by side
when all of a sudden a loud noise comes from under the hood of Mike's machine.
Smoke begins billowing out so Mike slows to a stop. Dave drives on for a sec and
then decides to turn around and see what the problem is. Dave pulls up beside
Mike and looks over the machine.

  Dave: Hey Mike, blow a seal?

  Mike: No. That's just snow on my moustache.

426 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q:  How do you stop a Pit Bull from humping your leg?
A:  Pick him up and suck his dick..

427 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two adolesent boys are talking about their sexual experiances with girls

boy1: "Have you ever felt really good when you were with a girl?"
boy2: "Yeah, when I was going down  the  motorway  at  70mph  with  Trudi
riding pillion"
boy1: "No, I mean, well, have you ever felt a great pair of tits?"
boy2:  "Yeah,  when  I  was  going  down   the  motorway  at  90mph  with
Trudi, she had a great pair of tits!"
boy1: "NO!, look, well ok then, have you ever felt a real twat?"
boy2: "Yeah, when I fell off!"

428 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE COMPREHENSIVE SHIT LIST

1.  Ghost shit--the kind where you feel the shit come out but there is no shit
    in the toilet.

2.  Clean shit--the kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there
    is nothing on the toilet paper.

3.  Wet shit--the kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it feels unwiped
    so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so
    you don't ruin your pants with a stain.

4.  Second Wave--It happens when you're done shitting and you've pulled your
    pants up to your knees and you realize you have to shit some more.

5.  Pop-a-vein-in-your-forehead shit--the kind where you strain so much you
    practically have a stroke.

6.  Richard Simmons shit--you shit so much you lose 30 pounds.

7.  Lincoln Log shit--the kind that is so huge you're afraid to flush without
    breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

8.  Gassy shit--It's noisy and everyone within earshot is giggling.

9.  Corn shit--self explanatory.

10. Gee-I-wish-I-could shit shit--the kind where you want to shit, but all you
    can do is sit on the toilet, cramp and fart a few times.

11. Spinal tap shit--that's when it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear
    it was leaving you sideways.

12. Wet cheek shit--(the power dump!)the kind that comes out of your butt so
    fast your cheeks get splashed with water.

13. Liquid shit--the kind where yellowish brown liquid shoots out and
    splatters all over the toilet bowl.

14. Mexican food shit--it smells so bad the room must be condemned.

15. Upper class shit--the kind that thinks their shit doesn't smell.

16. Fisherman's bobber shit--the kind where you are in a public restroom,
    there are two people waiting on your stall, you shit and flush two times,
    but several golf ball size pieces are still floating at the water line.

17. Ambush shit--the kind that never happens at home, but usually at a
    party or while playing golf.  It is the result of trying to fart--just a
    little, but you end up with trouser chili and you walk bow-legged for the
    rest of the day.

18. Drunken shit--the kind you have the morning after a long night of
    drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the
    toilet.

19. Champagne Shit--you're so constipated that by the time the cork blows,
    a bubbly liquid streams from your ass.

20. Kling-On Shit--The kind where, when you go to wipe it, it's there
    waiting on the edge.

21. Blow Out Shit--The shit that's proceeded by a fart so vicious, you
    have to check the bowl afterwards to make sure there are no cracks.

22. Exorcist Shit--The kind where yellowish-brownish liquid shoots out of
    your ass and burns your ass while it splatters all over the toilet. (See
    Liquid Shit)

23. Peek-A-Boo Shit--It comes halfway out, then it goes back in, comes
    back out, goes back in, etc.

24. Pregnancy Shit--The kind where you're really backed up and it makes
    you grunt and wheeze for a long while until it finally splits your crack in
    a child bearing fashion.(See Pop a Vein Shit, Spinal Tap Shit)

25. Rabbit Shit--It comes in cute, round portions, but there loads of it
    about. Actually, you're never really finished, but stop at some point from
    boredom.

26. Alphabet Shit--It comes leisurely, with one or a few breakaways, and
    when you look at it you think: "Doesn't that just look like the letter ...?"

27. Feminist Shit--No matter what it looks like or how it comes out, it's
    a man's fault.

28. Blowtorch Shit--Shit that burns your ass so much, you'd swear that
    it's flammable. (usually occurs morning after eating WAY too much spicy
    food)

29. Dual Density Shit--The kind where some shit floats and some shit sinks
    to the bottom of the bowl.

30. Ribbon Shit--A semiliquid fecal matter that is too thin to be a Lincoln
    Log Shit but not runny enough to be a Liquid Shit. Rather, it looks like a
    1 inch wide piece of brownish fettuccine, with some specks of color.

31. The Public Shit--Shit that reminds your senses of the warm, moist
    stench that embraces you when you enter a less than sanitary public
    restroom.

32. Little Boy Shit--Shit powerful enough to level a small city.

33. Flood Shit--You shit so much that it acts like a huge sandbag and
    ends up flooding your bowl and running out all over the place, leaving you
    to clean up a brown,pasty mess. (Add a bonus point if John Mellencamp does
    a relief concert to help cleanup efforts)

34. Dream Shit--When you haven't been to the toilet in 14 days, this is the shit
    that you'll be dreaming about.

35. Concrete Shit--This is what you'll drop after you haven't been to the toilet
    in 14 days.

36. Surgery Shit--After the Concrete shit, you'll have to go into surgery
    because your ass is torn apart so badly.

429 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What did the black epileptic have written on his emergency id bracelet?
A: Please help me I am not break dancing

Q: What does the post office and Kinney Shoe Stores both have in common?
A: They both have 10,000 black loafers.

Q: What goes click click, did I get it, click click, did I get it,
   click click, did I get it?
A: Stevie Wonder doing the Rubix Cube.

Q: What is the definition of "indiscreet"?
A: Where a black man parks his car.

Q: What is the difference between a black and a bicycle?
A: A bicycle doesn't start to sing "Kumbaya, my Lord" when you chain
   it to the wall.

Q: What are 5 words you never want to hear?
A: Ah be yo new neighba

Q: How does the newspaper report black social events?
A: "Among those wounded by gunshots were..."

Q: What is unique about presidents Washington and Jefferson?
A: They are the last two white men to have those names

Q: What do black people and vaginas have in common?
A: They both have big lips, curly hair, and twenty minutes
   after they're washed, they smell the same as before.

Q: What do you call a 6'6" black, with a 3" prick who can't play
   basketball?
A: Useless

Q: What is long, black, and smells bad?
A: The unemployment line....

Q: How do you know when a black is well-hung?
A: You can't get your finger between the rope and his neck.

430 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three guys found this lamp, rubbed it and out popped a genie. "I'll
give you three wishes, one each, but first you must come with me to the top
of this mountain". So all went to the top and the genie said "go to the
edge, wish for something and jump". The first guy goes to the edge,
screams "Gold", jumps and lands in tons of gold. The next guy gets to the
edge, screams "silver", jumps and lands in tons of silver. The third guy is
unsure of what to wish for but goes to the edge anyway. He closes his eyes
to think and looses his footing, slips and screams "Oh Shit!"

431 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's the Blue Jay's home opener at the sky dome.  The place is sold out and
paked like a can of sardines, except for one empty seat right behind home plate.
The man to the left of the seat looks over to the man on the right of the seat
and sees that he is very elderly.

"Excuse me," he says to the older gentleman, "but was this seat for a friend
of yours?"

"It was for my wife," says the old man. "but she died recently."

"oh," says the first man "that's a shame, I'm sorry.  Don't you have other
friends or familly that could have taken the seat?"

"yes," says the old man, "but they're all at the funeral."

432 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   Sometime in the 14th century, there was this trading ship sailing
  across Mediterranean. The captain, for some reason, loved LOOONG
  trading routes. No women were abroad, so all the sailors lived in
  a terrible need.
   So, they finally took an empty barrel, drilled a hole in it, and
  satisfied their needs into it. There was also a MALE CAT on board
  the ship, who saw what the sailors were doing, and learned to satisfy
  his own needs into the barrel, too.
   Finally, the barrel got full, and the sailors plugged the hole and
  dumped the thing overboard. A few days later it was washed ashore, and
  a couple of NUNS found it, and took it to their monastery.
   - "What on earth is this stuff", they wondered after opening the
  barrel. It was filled with white mucus, slowly turning brown. Then,
  one of the nuns said:
   - "It must be wax. Let's make candles out of it!". So, the mucus was
  turned into candles, and every nun got her own.
   A couple of months, all the nuns became pregnant (and you can guess
  the causes leading to this). When the babies were born, they all
  looked good and healthy, but they had strange, long, curved fingernails!

433 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   A businessman, a politician, and a hippy were all taken captive by
  a GIANT (I told you, this is not a realistic joke). The Giant said:
   - "I can prove you all, that I'm an almighty Giant! Each of you can
  ask me to do something, and if I can't do it, I'll let the one go!"
   The politician's eyes widened, as he thought he discovered a perfect
  solution. "Hey Giant, drink empty ALL THE LAKES IN THE WORLD!".
  The Giant smiled to the politician, and walked away towards the horizon,
  after sealing the men in his cave. The politician chuckled to himself.
  "He won't be able to do that, that's fer sure!"
   After a couple of days, the giant returned. He said: "I did it. You
  can see for yourself". The politician turned on his portable radio,
  and in the news, it was really said that all the lakes in the world
  had gone empty, and giant footprints were found in victinity. He was
  dumbfounded - and got to be held captive for the rest of his life.
   The businessman, then, chuckled to himself. "Hey, Giant. Go eat up
  ALL THE FORESTS IN THE WORLD!". The giant nodded, and walked away,
  after sealing the three guys inside his cave. A couple of days passed,
  and the giant returned. "Belch. Hear the news.". And, how come, all
  the forests in the world were eaten - and ecocatastrophe was imminent.
  The businessman got to be held captive for the rest of his life - not
  to mention the feel of guilt tormenting him...
   It was the hippy's turn. The Almighty Giant turned towards him and
  said: "Go ahead. You won't stand a chance."
   The hippy nonchalantly said: "OK, jolly giant. But only if you
  promise, that if you lose, you will have the trouble to put all the
  forests back (the lakes will fill thru time). You can keep the guys
  if you want."
   The giant agreed. So, the hippy told the giant to:
     - Fart
     - To grab the fart
     - To paint it red!

    ....and the hippy, and the world were saved!

434 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   A gay went to the doctor, and complained:
  - "Hey doc, I got a rose in my ass!"
   The doc said:
  - "No, I don't believe you. You just want me to put my hand
   in there, don't you!"
  - "But there IS a rose in my ass!!"
    The doc shrugged, and put on his rubber glove. "Well, all right!"
   He inserted his first finger into the gay's ass, and felt around.
  - "No rose here.", he said.
  - "There IS a rose. Go a little deeper."
   The doc inserted his entire hand into the gay's ass, and felt around.
  - "No rose here."
  - "Belive me: there IS a rose there! Go a little deeper."
   The doc sighed, and pushed deeper in, until his elbow was inside.
  - "Still no roses."
  - "THERE IS A ROSE THERE, THE HECK!!! Go deeper!"
   The doc got really pissed off, pushed his ENTIRE ARM into the gay's
   ass, and felt around.
  - "NO, NO FUCKEN ROSE HERE... no, wait... the heck, there IS a rose
   in here!"
   The gay licked his lips, and said:
  - "Yum yum. It's for you!"

435 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   A gay entered an old western style bar, and walked through it in
  the typical gay-mannequin way, 'seductively' swinging his butt. He
  smiled slyly to the bartender, and ordered a drink from the 'pretty
  boy'.
   The bartender REALLY hated gays, and said: "Listen. You go to that
  corner, drink your stuff, and leave ASAP. Got it?". The gay nodded,
  and gay-walked to the dark, remoter corner.
   After a few minutes, there was a horrendous crash! A giant of a man,
  standing almost eight feet tall and four wide, stormed in. The doorway
  was mutilated beyond repair. He walked to the bartender, with earth-
  quaking footsteps, and ordered:
   - "I wanta BIG jug of beer! And I MEAN BIG! Got it?!"
   The bartender shook with fear, nodded, and took the biggest jug he
  could find, and filled it with beer. At that instant, the big man
  grabbed the jug, crushed it bare-handed, and said:
   - "Can't you hear me?! I wanted a BIG one!"
   The bartender nodded again, sweating nervously, and took a large
  glass bowl from unfer the desk. After he got it full, the big man
  grabbed it and tossed it against the wall.
   - "You shrimp, don't you have a BIGGER mug?!?"
   The bartender shook his head, and walked to the back room. He took
  an entire BARREL of beer, opened the top, and dragged it to the man.
   - "Now that's more like it", the giant man said, lifted the barrel
  easily, and drank the contents in a few loud gulps. He wiped his mouth
  on his sleeve, and looked a bit more peaceful. He said:
  - "You know, ma friends call me Bull. There's two reasons for it. One:
  I drink like a bull. Two: I fuck like a bull!"
   Suddenly, from the remote corner, the guys heard a "Moo!"

436 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an epileptic fag?
A: A vibrator.

Q: What's the most entertaining part about gay bars?
A: The cockfighting in the back room.

Q: How can you tell which house the fag lives in?
A: On the doormat it says, "Wipe your knees."

Q: What happens if you spend the night in a gay bar?
A: You'll wake up with a queer taste in your mouth.

Q: Why did the Indian chiefs always put their homosexual warrior at the
   head of the battle line?
A: Because they're brave suckers.

Q: Why did the fag cover himself with whipped cream?
A: He was going to the party as a wet dream.

Q: Why did the preacher get aids?
A: He forgot to wash his organ between hymns.

Q: What do you call a homosexual Jew?
A: He-blew.

Q: What do you call an Irish homosexual?
A: Gay-lick.

Q: What do you call a Chinese homosexual?
A: Chew-man-chew.

Q: How does a faggot fake an orgasm?
A: He pulls out and spits on his partner's back.

Q: Why do men have nipples?
A: So fags will know what they're missing.

Q. How come there are only two pallbearearers at an italian funeral?
A. Because there are only two handles on a garbage can.

Q. What do you call a squadron of Italian paratroopers?
A. Air pollution

437 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad.  After a thorough
examination the doctor calls him into his office and says "I have some bad
news.  You have HAGS."
"What is HAGS" the man asks.
"It's herpes, AIDS, gonorhea, and syphilis" says the doctor.
"Oh my God" says the man.  "What are you going to do"?
"We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza."
"Is that going to help me" says the man.
"No" says the doctor.  "But it's the only food we can think of that we can
slide under the door"

438 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Life is like a shit sandwich, the more bread you have, the less shit you
gotta eat.

439 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   Two Chinese tourists were visiting USA. After some rambling, they got
  rather hungry.
   - "I'd love to eat some dog."  (yes, they eat dogs in China)
   - "Me, too! And look at tha sign! It says, 'HOT DOG'!"
   The other Chinese flicks through his Eglish-Chinese dictionary and
  is confirmed that they serve dog there. They both walk into the
  kiosk and order hot dogs.
   After receiving their meals, the other Chinese looks between the
  bun and goes all white. He stares at his friend and asks,
   - "Which part of the dog's anatomy did YOU get?"

440 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a lawyer's office and says he wants a divorce.
"Why is that?" said the lawyer.
"I want a divorce because our sexual life isn't satisfying. In fact, it's
got me extremely depressed. I'm beginning to doubt my virility," said the
sad-eyed man.
"I find it hard to believe that your sexual activity can have such an
effect on you. Can you give an example of what's going on?"
"I can't describe it properly. I'll record what happens tonight and you
can hear for yourself."
Early on the next morning, the gentleman returned with a cassette in hand.
"This should explain my complaint." So the lawyer put the tape in his
expensive office stereo and started it playing.
"Thaaat's haaaapinesss.......thaaat's haaaapinesss," a female voice came
from the speakers.
"It doesn't sound too bad to me!" said the lawyer.
"That's because you've got the tape at the wrong speed,"
"THAT'S a penis????"

441 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a Christian fundamentalist in a brown uniform?
A: A Nazi.

Q: Jamie, did Michael lay a finger on you?
A: No, it was the Jackson Five.

Q: Why is it foolish to teach Indians to read?
A: Because they are naturally well red.

442 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chester the Molester is walking down the street and he runs into one of his
 buddies.  His buddy says:"Hey Chester was that your new girlfriend I saw
you with the other day?"  Chester, looking somewhat embarrassed and shamed
says "yeah".  His buddy says "How old is she?"  Looking even more shame
faced Chester replies "Eleven".  His buddy says "Isn't that a little old
for you?".  Chester says "Yeah but she's got the body of a six year old."

443 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a woman in the army?
A: A WAC.

Q: What do you call a black woman in the army?
A: A Wacoon.

Q: What do you call 4 blacks in a 57 Chevy?
A: A blood vessel.

Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheeta be?
A: A fur coat.

Q: Did you hear about the Polish abortion clinic?
A: It has a year long waiting list.

Q: Did you hear about the Pole that went out and bought 4 snow tires?
A: They melted on the way home.

Q: Did you hear about the Pole who lost $50 on the football game?
A: $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.

444 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a Dutch farm father and son are walking among the livestock who are
happily grazing.

Pointing at a cow the boy asks: "Father, How much would that cow weigh?" upon
which the father replies: "That's easy My Son, look at me!".
Thereupon the father sinks to the ground and takes one of the nipples of
the udder of the cow in his mouth and begins to suck it. After a while he
stands up and says: "This one is 259 kilo My Son!".
"Gee Dad, that's awfully smart. I didn't knew that Mother and You could do
 that!!"
"What do you mean My Son, only I weigh our cows??"
"No Dad, Mom weighs only people! Yesterday she did the MilkMan, the day before
 that the Grocer, and last weekend Uncle Bruno!!!"

445 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is the story of how we now have the little angel on top of our
Christmas trees.

One Christmas season long ago Santa was having a REAL bad time. It was
the day before Christmas Eve and he didn't even know where his reindeer
were, off cavorting around somewhere. Mrs. Claus had PMS and was giving
Santa a bad time and everything just seemed to be falling apart, not
enough toys, the elves were on strike, and a broken runner on his sleigh
and just 24 hours till he had to leave.

As Santa was walking to the tool shed a little angel came by struggling
with a huge Christmas tree. She stopped and looked at Santa and said
"Santa, where should I put this tree . . ."

446 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   Ole and Lena have just been married and are on a bus to North to spend
their honeymoon.  Ole is happy because Lena made him promise to wait until
they were married before they mad sex.  On the bus there are 2 college
students, 2 hunters, the driver, and Ole and Lena in the back.
   Right when the bus is in the middle of no where, it gets stuck in the snow.
The driver, 2 college students and the hunter get out to surmize the situation.

   Ole: Lena, let's do it!
   Lena: But Ole, I promised my mother that we would not do it until we got
to the hotel.
   Ole: But Lena, there's no one on the bus.
   Lena: No, Ole.  You'll have to wait.

   Everyone gets back on the bus and in another 30 miles the bus blows a tire.
The driver, 2 college students, and the 2 hunters get out to surmize the
situation.

   Ole: Come on, Lena, let's do it!
   Lena: No, Ole.  I promised my mother that we would wait until we got to
the hotel.
   Ole: But Lena, there's no one on the bus.
   Lena: No, Ole.  You'll have to wait.

   After putting the spare tire on the driver, 2 college students and the 2
hunters get back in the bus.  After another hour the bus blows 2 tire, and
there are no more spare tires.  After the driver, 2 college students, and the
2 hunters talk it over they all decide to walk until the next town.

   Lena: Ole, let's do it!
   Ole: But Lena, you promised your mother that you would wait until we got
to the hotel.
   Lena: I know Ole, but those two hunters said that the fucking season
would be over before we got up north!

447 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A new doctor in a mental institution want to get to know some of the patients
that he will be treating so he starts walking around talking to people.  The
first room he enters, he finds a man sitting on is bed pretending that he is
fishing.  The doctor starts to talk to him and then asks him, "When do you
expect to be released from the hospital?"  The man replies, "Well doc, I'm
gonna leave right after I land that monster catfish."  After the conversation
the doctor continues to the next room where he finds a man going through the
motions of swinging a bat.  The doctor asks him, "When are going to leave
this place?".  The patient replies, "I'm outta here right after I hit my next
home run."  The doctor witnesses the same type of behaviour in the next couple
of rooms until he finally reaches the last room at the end of the hall.  When
he opens the door to the last room, he sees a man standing beside his bed with
his pants pulled down to his ankles.  As the doctor walks closer, he notices
a bowl of pecans on the bed and the man has stuck his penis in the bowl.  The
doctor questions the man, "So, when do you think you're going to leave this
place?"  The man replies, "I'm not ready to leave at all, can't you see I'm
fucking nuts?"

448 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day, an old man finally decides to make a lifelong wish come true, so he
decides to join a nudist coloney.  But once at the front desk, the old guy
starts having second thought( because his manhood has aged and shrunk a bit,
plus there was a $80 membership fee ).  The girl at the counter invites the
man to walk around and see if he enjoys it without paying the fee, but on the
condition that he walks around naked.  The old man agrees and hands his suit
to the young lady and proceeds to investgate the place.  After walking for
ten minutes, the man starts to get fatigued and so he sits down at a nearby
bench for a smoke.  As he lights his cigar, a young lady approaches him and
and says, "Has anyone ever told you that you look like George Burns?  My
girlfriends and I have always thought that he was really sexy."  She then
drops to her knees and begins to give him the best blow job of his entire
life( all eighty years of it ).  After she was finished, she told him, "I
hope to see you around later, my friends will just go crazy when they see
you."  With that thought in mind, the old guy dashes to the front desk and
immediately get his checkbook and writes out an $80 check and hands it to
the countergirl.  The man quickly returns to the same bench hoping to get
the young ladies name and phone number, but on the way back, he drops his
cigar.  As the old guy bends over to pick it up, a hulk of a man approaches
from behind and mounts the old man and starts fucking the old guy up the ass.
Once done the young stud leaves and the old dude manages to get to his feet
and waddles back to the front desk.  He then demands that the lady return his
check and that he wants no part of the nudist camp.  The lady at the desks
asks him, "What happened, you were so happy to join us 15 minutes ago, why the
sudden change of mind?"  The old man replies, "Listen sweety, I might be able
to get an erection once a week if I am lucky, but I usually drop my cigar 5 to
6 times a day!"

449 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mary and Joseph were on their way to Jerusalem.  Mary's feet were getting sore
from walking and she started to whine, "Joseph, my feet hurt". Joseph replied,
"Well get on the donkey".  Further down the path, "Joseph, my back hurts".
Joseph replies, "Well, I guess I could carry you".  Further down the
path,"Joseph, my stomach hurts". Joseph replies bluntly, "If you don't stop
whining, I'm going to tell everyone how you *really* got pregnant."

450 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why was Jesus crucified and not stoned to death?
A: So Catholics wouldn't have to beat their heads with stones

451 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Happened in the British countryside...

Telephone rings in a landlord's castle. James answers: "This is James
speaking. My lord isn't now in his castle, but may I help you?"
"This is your lord speaking, James." "Oh, how are you, Sir?"
"James, listen carefully. Go quietly into my wife's bedroom and
try to find out if she's having sex with a strange man!" "Uhm, just
a moment, Sir." <moment of silence> "Sir, unfortunately I found your
wife making love with a totally strange man." "James, go and shoot
them both immediately!" <moment of silence interrupted by two shoots>
"Sir, I've shoot them both. What whould I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them into swimming pool. I'll take care of the rest!"
"But Sir, I guess we don't have a swimming pool." <silence>
"Uhm, uh, I must have a wrong telephone number. Goodbye."
<click> toot toot toot...

452 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This vicar got himself a parrot to cheer up the parsonage. Unfortunately the
parrots language training from his previous owner didn't meet the vicar's
high standards.

Once, while the deacon was over for a visit, the parrot yelled: "Damn it!"
when his seed-bowl was empty.

"Parrot, I warned you: if you use foul language I'll lock you up inside the
fridge for a whole hour!" the vicar said, and promptly carried out his
threat.

But after a while the vicar felt sorry for the bird and let him out early,
and it seemed that he had learnt his lesson because the parrot was quiet
for a week.

But the parrot started suffering withdrawal symptoms and shouted "Oh bloody
hell!" in front of the chairlady of the ladies club. The vicar was furious,
and locked him into the fridge without mercy.

After a while the parrot was getting pretty cold and decided to make the
most of his surroundings, so he went for a warm-up stroll. All the way down
to the bottom rack of the fridge, where he discovered a stuffed turkey.

"Hell, shame, " the parrot said to the turkey, "I suppose you said 'fuck'!"

453 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young gay man is in the doctors surgery and the doctor has just explained
that he has AIDS.  Shocked, the young man asks "What can I do?".

The Doctor explains that there is nothing that they can do for him but he
has heard of a possible cure.

Desparate, the man asks what it is.  So the Doctor tells him to go home
and eat nothing but chillies for two weeks, but with no gaurantees that it
would work.

Anyway, the man comes back two weeks later and the Doctor asked how
it went.  "Well", he replied, "it wasn't too bad except for when I went
to the toilet."

"That'll teach you what arse holes are for!", replied the Doctor.

454 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This bloke walks into a pub with an aligator on a leash.
As he walks in, everyone sees the alligator and starts backing away as quickly
as possible, but the barman, being of a slightly braver nature, stands his
ground and says, "OI! You can't bring that alligator in here, it's frightening
off all my customers, and what's more, its dangerous!"
But the man, undettered, replies,"No, no, you don't understand, this is a VERY
tame alligator, and wouldn't hurt a fly!"
"Look, there's no way that that thing could be tame..."
"OK, I'll prove it"
And with that the man unzipped his fly, got his dick out, and put it in the
alligators mouth, but the alligator gently held it, and didn't move a muscle.
The barman remained unimpressed, so the man, sensing this, punched the alligator
as hard as he could over the snout (?). Still, the alligator didn't move.
"Hmmmm, not bad I suppose, but it'll take a lot more than that to convince me
that's tame," said the barman.
The man stopped and thought about this one for a while, then asked the barman
for a bottle of wine, to which the barman look surprised, but gave it to him
anyway.
The man picked up the wine bottle, and smashed it down as hard as he could on
the alligators snout, sending smashed glass and wine everywhere, yet still the
alligator did not move.
"OK, OK, that's a tame alligator if there ever was one," said the barman, "you
can have a drink".
So the man bought himself a beer, and sat at the bar drinking it.
A few minutes later, an old lady who had been watching the events from the
corner of the bar, summoned up enough courage to go over and talk to the man.
"Oooh, I was really impressed by that." said the old lady, " I wish I could do
that..."
The man smiled and said OK, to which the old lady replied, "just don't hit me
so hard over the head with the wine bottle...."

455 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A leper walks into a bar and buys a beer.  The guy sitting next to him
glances at the leper turns away and throws up.  A little later, the
same guy glances at the leper again and throws up again.  The leper
volunteers to move to a different stool since he upsets the guy.
The guy replies, "No, it isn't you, it's the guy behind you who keeps
dipping his chips in your neck."

456 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do mathematicians do when they're constipated?
A: Work it out with a pencil and a piece of paper

457 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A British General and his wife are in India on one of his rather boring
assignments.  One night, while they are lying in bed the wife says,
    "Dear Albert, will you make love to me?"
    The husband looks a bit shocked and says, "Dear, you know that after
my little incident in New Zealand that I can no longer...perform."
    The wife says yes and remembers the story about him being stranded
in a flock of sheep for a month in New Zealand.  She decides to take matters
into her own hands. (No pun intended.)
    The next day she goes to the local bazzar and sees a man sitting next
to a basket.  She stops to watch him as he sprinkes some powder into the
basket and chants, "Rise...rise...RISE!" and a rope begins to rise from the
basket straight upwards.  The wife asks,
    "How much is that powder?"
    The Indian says, "Troubles with the husband's John Thomas, eh? Well, for
you only half of what you have with you.  But be careful, only sprinkle a
small amount of the powder on."
    The wife realizes that she has a great deal of money with her and thinks
it might be cheaper to just ask the native how much it would cost to screw
him, but she must stay true to her husband.  So she gives the Indian native
half of the money she has and goes back to her room at the hotel.
    That night she waits for him to come back, change into his pajamas, and
go to sleep.  Once she is sure that he is asleep she reaches under her pillow
and pulls out the vial of powder.  She kneels carefully next to her husband
and wile whipsering the chant, "rise......rise......rise", she sprinkles
a little of the powder on the sheets over his penis.  The sheets begin to
tremble and the stop.  Frustrated, the wife tries it again, this time
sprinkling on a little more of the magic powder.
    "rise.....rise.....Rise!"
    The sheets really begin to shake and the wife gets very excited and
dumps the whole vial and yells, "RISE!.....RISE!....RISE!"... and
the sheets are pushed up a full ten inches high.  The husband wakes up
and yells, "God Bless Her Majesty The Queen!"  Thw wide yells, "I Knew It
Would Work!" and rips back the covers...
    ...and the string from his pajama bottoms was sticking staight up
in the air.

458 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   A man arrived to the doctor, and complained:

   - "I've a horrible problem: every single time I see a girl, I
      get an instant, embarassing hard-onm! What can I do?"

   The doctor thinks for a moment, then says:

   - "Well, I can't figure anyhthing else, than to take some sticky
      tape, and to stick your dick against your lap. That'll keep
      your little bruvva down, I hope."

   ...and so be it. A couple of days later, there was a hot headline
   on the local newspaper: "A woman has been kicked to death in the
   city park!"

459 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   A little boy had been caught from mischief. He had attempted to pour
  blue household dye to the teachers' coffee machine! The principal was
  furious.
   - "Why you little rascal! That'll give you 500 lines tonight! And
  now, go and pour that dye down the toilet!"
   The boy flushed all the dye down the school's toilet, wrote his
  lines, and went home.
   Next day, he went to school again. He was a little dumbfounded, as
  the pea soup for that day's lunch was BLUE!

460 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   An oldish couple had a son, who was still living with his parents.
  The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to
  decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test.
  They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and
  put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they're not
  home.
   The father's plan was: "If out son takes the money, he will be a
  businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if
  he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
   So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet.
  Peeping through  the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw
  the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at
  it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took
  the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the
  bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality.
  Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.
   The father slapped his forehead, and said:
  - "Darn. Our son is going to be a politician!"

461 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two lesbians are talking but each does not know the other is a lesbian.
Then finally, one lesbian starts to confide with the other lesbian and
says:

Lesbian #1:  "..let me be frank with you.."
Lesbian #2:  "..NO NO, I want to be Frank!!"

462 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are trekking through the
Amazonian jungle, when all of a sudden they are pounced upon by a tribe
of vicuos-looking natives.  They are tied up und taken back to the
native's camp, where they are promptly tied to three trees (one tree
each, you see).
    They start getting a bit worried, and rightly so, because after
a few minutes the tribe cheif comes up and tells the three explorers
that they're going to be shot to death with arrows (arrowed to death?)
and then eaten. Sort of like those pieces of pineapple and cheese you
skewer with cocktail sticks at parties, and then expect everyone to
peirce their upper palletes as they try to eat them. Anyway - on with
the joke.

    So, the 3 guys are about to be arrowed to death and eaten, but
the cheif says they may each use one item of lugage from their packs.

    The Englishman asks for his huge cigar - massive great thing a
foot long, and proceeds to smoke this most wonderful of cigars.  30
minutes later, the Englishman stubs the but out, and with a contented
sigh says, "OK, I'm ready, give it your best shot, what." (OK, I'm
English, but I can still take the piss out of us). And is promptly
filled with arrows from the tribesman's bows.

    The Scotsman is next, and asks the cheif if he can drink his
bottle of whiskey before he's shot.  So, half an hour later, a legless
Scotsman manages to stammer,"Och aye, y'can shoot me noo, y'bastards."
And is promptly filled with hundreds more arrows.

    Then it's the Irishman's turn, and he asks the cheif to fetch
him his bottle of aftershave from his pack. The cheif is confused, but
complies with the Irishman's wishes, ans watches whilst he splashes it
all over him.  "Come on then," shouts the Irishman, "hit me if you
can...". The cheif, a little bemused by the Irishmans attitude, gives
the word to the archers, who let off reams and reams of arrows towards
the Irishamn - but not one of them hits him!

    The cheif, getting irate, orders them to shoot him again, but
still the same - not one arrow hits him!  The cheif now thinks that the
Irishman is a God, and immediately orders his tribe to release him and
escort him to the edge of the jungle.

    A few weeks later, he's back in Ireland, recounting to his
friends the luck escape.

"But how on earth did you survive?" cried his friends in disbeleif.

"Ah! That was simple - the aftershave I used was ARAMIS"

463 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's this sailor who is stranded on a deserted island... Anyway he
thought it was deserted, when he gets captured by a tribe of canibals..

The canibals are about to kill the sailor but the sailor protests claiming
he is a "great warrior".  The Chief of the tribe steps in and says..."If
you can prove that you are a great warrior we will not kill you!" .The
Chief thinks to himself and then says "To prove you are a great warrior
you must pass 3 tests.  If you pass these tests, we will let you live."

The sailor says "Alright, alright I accept the challenge... wha..wha..
what are the 3 tests?"

The Chief explains, "There are 3 tents,..in the first tent is a jug of
wine.  You must drink this jug of wine in 10 minutes and not get sick".

"In the second tent.. is a tiger ..with an impacted wisdom tooth.  You
must extract the tooth from the tiger".

"And in the third tent is my DAUGHTER!!.  ..She has already killed 2 of
her husbands that could not satisfy her.  ..You must enter her tent and
satisfy her!"

The sailor begins the tests and enters the first tent.

About 9 minutes later he walks out staggering.and swinging the empty jug
of wine... but he doesn't get sick, so he passes the first test.

He then enters the second tent and there are horrible sounds from the
tiger who is screaching, screaming, and growling...  After about 20
minutes the sailor comes out of the tent,.. with scratches, cuts, with
torn  clothes and says.... "O.K., now where's that lady with the
toothache!"

464 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    After every war there's always a bunch of handicaped and crippled
soldiers waiting to get home again.
    So, there was this guy who was supposed to evaluate the conditions
of each soldier and officially 'pull strings' precisely to spped their way
home, depending on their physical/psychological condition.
    With their back to the wall, hundreds of soldiers waiting to be
spoken to. He approaches one of them. He only has one leg and one arm.
    'What happened?'
    'The War, Sir, the war!...'
    He then approaches another one who's always shaking his head sidewards.
    'What happened, young man?'
    As he couldn't answer, the man next to him says 'The war, sir, the war'
    He goes on and on and he drops by a guy who's apparently squeezing
his indicator and thumb agains each other.
    'It seems to be a very big problem you have, what happened?'
    'The nose, sir, the nose...'

465 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A second grade says, "Okay class, today we are going to something a
little different.  Each one of you are going to tell a personal story and
after you tell it you must give a moral to your story.  Little Cindy, you go
first."
   Cindy: " Well, one day I was out in the chicken coup gathering up some
eggs for breakfast. I gathered a whole bunch of them and thought of how big
of a breakfast it was going to be.  As I was going back inside I tripped and
fell and broke all the eggs."
   Teacher: "So Cindy, what's the moral of your story?"
   Cindy: "I guess you shouldn't count your chickens before they hatch."
   Teacher: "Very good Cindy.  Sarah, you go next."
   Sarah : "Well, I live on a farm and one time I was out milking the cows.
I got two whole pails full of milk and as I was going back inside the house,
I tripped and fell and spilled all the milk. I was really upset so I started
crying."
   Teacher: "Well Sarah, what's the moral of your story?"
   Sarah: "Well, I guess you shouldn't cry over spilled milk."
   Teacher: "Very good Sarah. How about you going next Jimmy."
   Jimmy: "Well when my dad was in Vietnam, fifteem gouks were charging at
him and he only had seven bullets and a fifth of Jack Daniels. So he shot
seven of the gouks with his bullets, chugged the JD, and beat the living
shit out of the other eight until they were dead."
   Teacher: "Ummm.. interesting story Jimmy, but what's the moral?"
   Jimmy: "The moral is: You shouldn't FUCK with my dad when he's been
drinking!"

466 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What he say to her after she (gulp!) "circumcised" him...
A: "No hard feelings."

467 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok, so there's this guy whose girlfriend asks him what he'd like for dinner.
Anything is fine, he says, as long as it's not baked beans.  So the girl goes
home but forgets to tell her mother not to ccook baked beans.  That night, the
guy goes over to his girlfriend's place for dinner, and is sitting around the
dinner table with his girl, mum, dad and the family dog.  Not wanting to seem
rude, he has no choice but to eat the baked beans casserole (which gives him
instant flatulence) that mother places in front of him.  10 seconds later, he
lets one go.  "Rover" say the father, "get out from under the table." Hey,
this is great! thinks the boyfriend.  "I can fart all night long and they'll
think it's the dog."  He lets go another rip-snorter.  "Rover" says dad in a
warning tone, "get out from under the table!!!"  Soon, another jackhammer.
"ROVER!!!" screams dad, "Get out from under the table beforre he shits on
you!!!"

468 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A ventriloquist in a nightclub is telling a series of Mexican
jokes.  He plays straight man while the little dummy on his knee poses
the riddles and answers questions.  After many of these, a doddering
old man gets up from his chair and shouts, "Will you just knock it off!"
Everyone in the room turns to look and the ventriloquist stops.  "I'm
just sick and tired of all these idiodic Mexican jokes that try to
make Mexicans look so stupid!  'How many Mexicans does it take to
screw in a lightbulb?'...  'There was an Italian, a Jew and an Mexican..
and so on!  Well just stop it, because we [ethnics] proud of our
heritage, our contribution to civilization and the great intellects
we have produced!"  The club is silent as the old man sits down
angrily.  Finally, the ventriloquist, in a conciliatory tone, says,
"Sir, I am really sorry to cause such an offense.  I really didn't
intend to hurt anybody's feelings at all.  I just want everyone to
have a nice time and enjoy themselves, and the last thing I want
to do is make someone upset.  Would you accept my apology?"
The old man gets up suddenly and exclaims, "It's not *you* I'm
talking to, you fool, it's that little bastard on your knee!!"

469 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their
fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an ar
and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter.
He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then
says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a Government employ
He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!

470 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A fellow picks a woman up in a bar and takes her home.

When he takes off his shoes and socks, it is apparent that his toes
have had something dreadful happen to them..  "Eeek!" says she.
"Oh, I used to have toe-lio," says he.  "You mean polio?"  "No,
toe-lio."  So they continue.

When he takes off his pants, his knees look like they have been beaten
with sledge hammers.  "Eeek!" says she.  "Oh, I used to have the
knee-sles," says he.  "You mean measles?"  "No, knee-sles".  Still
undaunted, they continue.

When he takes off his underpants, she laughs and says "Don't tell
me!  Small-cocks!"

471 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

  So there are three golfers, (Bob, Max, and Ted) who are looking for a
fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so
they decide to invite him for the following Saturday.

  "Sure, I'd love to play," says George, "but I may be about ten minutes
late, so wait for me."

  So Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00,
and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed, and
beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if
he'd like to play again the following Saturday.

  "Yeah, sounds great," says George. "But I may be about ten minutes
late, so wait for me."

  The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but
this time George plays left-handed, and beats them all. As they're
getting ready to leave, George says:

  "See you next Saturday. But I may be about ten minutes late, so wait
for me."

  Every week, George is right on time, and plays great with whichever
hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same
message.

  After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he
says, "Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten
minutes late, but you're right on time. And you beat us either
left-handed or right-handed. What's the story?"

  "Well," George says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in the
morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play
left-handed. And if she's sleeping on her right side, I play
right-handed."

  "So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Bob asks.

  "Then I'm about ten minutes late," George answers.

472 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

During a recent international sports meet , one of the Scottish
track and field coaches was entertaining some friends and col-
leagues in his hotel room. As so often occurs the libations were
used up before it was time to end the festivities.

After receiving directions to the nearest wine/liquor store, the
Scottish coach departed the party.

Upon arriving at the store, he noticed that there were only three
or four people waiting in the queue.

Immediately ahead of him were two men dressed in military fa-
tigues and heavily bearded.  He overhead one of them ordering
several bottles of Scotch and rum. Upon being told the value of
his purchases, this fatigue dressed individual told the clerk
that he was with Fidel. Immediately the clerk produced a book
and had the individual sign for his purchases. To say that the
Scotsman was intrigued would be an understatement.

The other individual in front of the Scotsman proceeded to order
at least twice what his companion had ordered. Upon receipt of
his total he also told the clerk that he was with Fidel.  Same
book, same procedure as the first fatigue clad individual.

By this time the Scotsman had figured he was on to a good thing.

He ordered bottles of this, that, cigars, cigarettes etc.  Upon
being presented with his bill he told the clerk that he was with
Fidel.

The clerk told him that he could not be with Fidel.

   "Why not?" said the indignant Scotsman.

   "Because you do not have the beard and the big cigar." the
clerk replied.

Pausing for only a moment, the Scotsman reached down, lifted up
his kilt and proudly announced, "SECRET SERVICE!!!"

473 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Vaseline salesman is driving through the country, when his car starts
leaking and loses all its oil.  Not knowing what to do, he fills the
engine with Vaseline, thinking that it is similar to oil, and drives awa
It works fine until about half an hour later, when the engine gets real
warm, and the Vaseline melts, and runs out through the same hole as the
oil did.  This time there is a farm nearby, so he decides to look for a
phone.

Meanwhile, inside the farmhouse, the farmer, his wife, and daugh
are having a fight about who's going to do the dishes.  "I did them this
morning," complains the farmer.  "Well I did them at lunch," says his wi
"And I'm tired from doing all the farmwork," says the daughter.  So the
farmer, in a stroke of brilliance, decides that they will settle it by a
taking off their clothes, lying on the floor, and declaring that the fir
one to speak gets to do the dishes.

The Vaseline saleman gets to the front door, and rings the bell.
No one answers so he goes in and looks for a phone.  He eventually stumb
into the kitchen, and ignoring the odd sight, asks for a phone.  No one
answers, so he goes and looks some more.  Still no luck, so he goes back
the kitchen.  They still won't answer, so he decides to see what else he
can get away with.  He has sex with the daughter several times, bemused
her silence, then finally goes and looks for the phone again.  A while
later, he comes back, looks at the wife, and says, "Why not?"  After hav
sex with the farmer's wife, he is getting tired and exasperated.  He
thinks, maybe if they have some Vaseline, I can drive my car for another
half-hour.  So he asks, "Do you have any Vaseline?" at which the farmer
jumps up and yells, "I'll do the dishes!"

474 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A fellow sitting in a bar noticed that the bartender was staring at him.
Each time he'd look away and finally came over, a bit embarrassed.

"I'm sorry sir, let me buy you a drink."

He accepted and accepted the subsequent two apologies and drinks.

"Really sir, surely you know this, you must be the ugliest man I've
 ever seen and I can't keep from staring at you."

"You think I'm pretty ugly?  That ugly?  Are you a betting man?"

"Well it depends on what I'm betting on, but I do bet from time to time.

"Do you see that cute little blonde sitting over there with that young
 man?  I've got $50 that says I'll go over there and pick her up."

The bartender accepted immediately, plopping his $50 on the bar next to
the customer's who had started to approach the table but wheeled and
came back.

"I've got another $50 that says that I'll pat her on the fanny as we wal
 by you and she'll give you a wink."

The bartender quickly added another $50 and shortly after that the guy
walked out with the blonde on his arm and as they went by he patted her
on the fanny, she winked at the bartender, and the guy collected the win

Astonished the bartender went over to the table where she had been
sitting to quiz the young man she had been with, he was sitting there wi
a stunned look on his face.

"My gosh fellow, I'm amazed!  What did he do?  What did he say?"

"Nothing!  Nothing at all!  He just stood there; licking his eyebrows...

475 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago.  On this particular
trip he decided to bring his wife.  When they arrived at their
hotel and were shown to their room, the man said:

  "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes
by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out
of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurance, she lies down once more.  Again
a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.  Exasp
she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager
says he'll be right up.

The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is
true.
  "Look,... lie here on the bed -  you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in.

  "What", he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager replies:

  "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

476 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Would you hit a cat wearing glasses?
A: No, you hit it with a cricket bat!

477 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Davey gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole,
watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to
himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my *thumb*..."

478 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Moses and Jesus were golfing.
Moses teed off first and hit a great drive.
Jesus went next and drove a hook right over the pond.
As the ball was falling into the pond a fish jumped out of the water and
 swallowed the ball.  The fish was about to re-enter the water when an eagle
 swooped down and grabbed the fish and flew off.  As the eagle was passing over
 the green a bolt of lighting hit the eagle, who dropped the fish.  When the
 fish hit the green the golf ball came out of its mouth and rolled into the
 cup.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, have you come here to play or show off.

479 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   An arab was helplessly lost in the desert! Being quite wise, he had
  a plentiful supply of water with him, but no food. He vas starving.
  After crawling a couple of miles he finally found an oasis. He ran
  happily to the oasis, but all he could find was a plentiful supply
  of water - no fruit nor coconuts!
   He was really pissed off. He sat, leaning against a tree, and started
  to pray.
   - "Allah, oh, almighty Allah, please drop me a sausage!"
   And, all of a sudden, a sausage fell from the sky, and dropped in his
  mouth! He ate it ravenously, and was looking for more. He decided to
  pray again.
   - "Allah, oh, almghty Allah, please drop me another sausage!"
   ...and another sausage fell into his mouth! He ate it, but was still
  quite hungry.
   - "Please, Allah, drop me one more sausage!"
   And he got a third sausage! He ate it, smiling happily. Now he felt
  that he must express his gratitude. He prayed:
   - "Allah, you shall have my gratitude forever. I will thank you day
   and night!"
    After that, he looked up in towards the sky, in religious passion.
   Above him, sitting in the palm tree, he noticed a leper missing three
   fingers!!

480 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What goes 'Ha, Ha, Plop!'
A. A leper laughing his head off.

Q. Why did the brothel outside the leper colony close?
A. Business kept dropping off.

Q: Did you hear about the leper who played cards?
A: He threw in his hand.

Q. Why were all the people at the party who had brought biscuits happy
   when the leper arrived?
A. He was the dip!

Q. What do you get when an epileptic leper has a fit in your bath?
A. Porridge.

Mrs. Jones, can Billy come out and play?
Now, Children, you know he has leprosy.
Well, can we come in and watch him rot?

Q. What did the leper say to the whore?
A. Keep the tip

Q. How do you get a skeleton?
A. Put a leper in a wind tunnel

Q. What's the defintion of self-destruct?
A. An epileptic leper.

Q. Did you hear about the lepers playing poker?
A. One threw his hand in & the others laughed their head off

Q. What do you call a leper pool-party?
A. Minestrone soup.

Q. How do you get a leper?
A. Throw meat pies at a skeleton

481 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok, there's this girl and she asks her boyfriend over for dinner and also asks
what he'd like to eat.  "anything is fine" he says, "as long as there's no
baked beans."  So the girl goes home but forgets to tell her mother not to
cook baked beans.  That night the boyfriend goes over for dinner, and he's
sitting around the dining table with his girl, her parents and the family
dog.  Not wanting to seem rude, he has no choice but to eat the  baked beans
casserole (which gives him instant flatulence) that mum puts on the table.
10 seconds later, he lets one rip.  "Rover!" says the father in a warning
tone, "get out from under the table!"  "Hey, this is cool" thinks tthe
boyfriend.  "I can fart all night long and they'll think it's the dog."  So he
lets go another rip-snorter.  "Rover!!" yells dad.  "Get out from under the
table!!"  Soon, another jackhammer.  Dad yells "ROVER!!!  Get out from under
the table before he shits on you!!!"

482 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This guy picked up a 17-18 yr old girl at one of the local bar, and went to the
girls place for a quick fuck. When they got started at the girl's room. the guy
was sucking on the girls tits and was making alot of noices. "Dont be too loud"
said the girl. "You will wake my parents up". So the guy decided to do a finger
job on the girl..and again, he was making a lot of noises. "shhhh....you'll
wake my parents up if you keep this up". Suddenly he needs to go to the toilet
and he asked her where the toilet is. "You can't use the toilet. It is right
next to my parents bed room. Go to the kitchen and do it in the sink" So he
went to the kitchen and did his business. about 5 mins later. the girl heard
the guy wispering from the kitchen "Do you have any toilet paper?"

After having a great time in bed with this girl, this guy went into the toilet
to take a piss. he stood there pissing for awhile, and suddenly noticed that
there wasn't any piss going into the bowl and realised that he forgot to take
his condom off :)

483 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man and his dog are shipwrecked onto a deserted island. After a few days
he decides to reconnoiter the island. He discovers that the only other
inhabitants are sheep. He recalls how his farm buddies would brag
how they would screw sheep for kicks and he says to himself:
"I'll never be that desperate."
Sooooo, a few days later he can't get those sheep out if his mind,
and soon he's sneaking up on the flock. Just as he is about to pounce
on a really cute one, the dog grabs his leg and won't let go.
He snaps to, and thanks the dog for keeping him from making a
fool of himself. This same scene happens every night for a month and
the guy is really getting pissed at the dog.
Suddenly on day, the man spies a liferaft bobbing in the surf. In the
raft is a beautiful young girl, half dead but alive. He takes her back to
his hut revives her and nurses her to health. After a few days the girl
is feeling fine, and a rush of gratitude sweeps over her. She confronts the man:
"I owe you my life. I'm yours forever. I'll do anything you want"
"Anything?"
"Anything!!"
"OK, hold that dog for ten minutes!!!"

484 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Aids virus is chasing this bum.  The bum is really scared, so its
running for its life, but the aids virus is catching up on it.  So the
bum runs down an alley, only to find out it is a dead-end.

The bum starts to panick, because it knows the aids virus is a fast
runner and will be there any second.  The bum starts searching frantically
for and exit, and notices the Tooth Fairy standing in the corner.  So the
bum says to the Tooth Fairy, "youve gotta help me, the aids virus is
after me and i dont wanna get aids".  The Tooth fairy thinks for a bit
and says "I could turn you into something else, what do you want to
be??". The bum says "ANYTHING, QUICKLY, i dont want to get the aids virus!".
So the the Tooth Fairy turns the bum into a canary, and promptly
disappears.

Then the Aids virus runs around the corner into the alley and looks
around.  It says to the canary, "hey, have you seen a bum?".  The canary
goes "nope, there is just me here".  But the aids virus is skeptical, and
says "Are you sure you arent a bum in disguise??",  the bum looks at
himself and says "well im yellow, and ive got feathers - of course im a
canary".  The aids virus goes "hmm, thats true....  can you sing??".  The
canary goes "yeah, ill show you", and he opens his beak and goes
 " <FFFFAAAAAARRRRTT> ".

485 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young sailor boarded a new boat which he was to sail on. While the boat
was asail, the Captain showed him arround.
"Here is your sleeping quarters"
"Here is the mess hall"
While walking on the deck the captain pointed to a line of people standing
in front of a barrel. The captain said,
"When you get the URGE, you can use the barrel. You can use the barrel
everyday except Wednesdays."
The young sailor nodded.
The days went by, and as a young sailor he visited the barrel frequently.
When Wednesday came he noticed that there was no one in line in front of
the barrel.This was odd, there is usualy a long line. He thought he might as
well use this oppurtunity to relieve is yurnings. Posistioning himself in
front of the barrel, he started humping away.
Suddenly someone tapped him on the shoulder. It was the captain. While
waving his finger,the captain said
"No, No! Today is your turn to be in the barrel!!!

486 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A black man was arrested for armed robery. He's brought up to the
judge who sets a trial date but releases him on bail.
  On the day of the trial, the defendant comes to the court house
wearing Bermuda shorts, a Flower shirt, sunglasses and carrying
luggage.
  Needless to say, the judge is shocked and ask him " why are you
dressed like you're going on vacation?".  The black man answers "But
judge, you told me you were going to send me on vacation in Mexico!".
The judge replies  No you idiot, I said ' I'm sending you to the can,
coon!'"

487 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The pope is working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon.  He
stops for a moment or two, scratches his forehead, then asks the
Cardinal, "Can you think of a four-letter word for 'woman' which
ends in 'u-n-t'?"
"Aunt", replies the Cardinal.
"Say, thanks", says the pope.  "You got an eraser?"

488 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was an old man that was a resident in a nursing home.  He was unhappy
until one day during recreation time he spotted this little ol lady, about
his same age, 80-85 years old.  Over the next several days he really eyed
her and begin to move a little closer to her.  They began talking and hit
it off pretty well.  A few days later he got up the courage to ask her to
go back to his room and have sex.  At first, she hesitated, but finally
said ok.  They slowly walked down the hallway to his room.  They began
undressing.  She took her shirt off, then her bra, and then stopped and
said, wait, I have not done this in years, and besides I get shortness of
breath and I have acute angina.  He stopped and look over at her and said,
that is good to know because your tits look like hell.

489 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do Polish babies have big heads?
A: So they don't fall out during the bridal dance.

Q: Why can't blacks celebrate Thanksgiving?
A: Kentucky Fried Chicken isn't open on holidays.

Q: Why don't sharks attack blacks?
A: Because they mistake them for whale shit.

Q: Why can't blacks do push-ups?
A: Because their lips stick to the floor before their chests touch.

Q: How do you wipe out 250 black families?
A: Blow up K Mart.

Q: How was break dancing invented?
A: By black kids stealing hubcaps from moving cars.

Q: What does the Jewish Santa Claus say as he comes down the chimney?
A: "Ho-ho-ho! Anybody want to buy some toys?"

Q: How do Jews play football?
A: They try to get the quarter back.

Q: What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit?
A: "Will the defendant please rise?"

Q: What do you call four drowning Mexicans?
A: Cuatro sinko

Q: What do the Chinese call 69?
A: Two Can Chew.

Q: What's it called when a Puerto Rican falls into the ocean?
A: An oil slick.

Q: Why did they take the "911" numbers off police patrol cars?
A: Mexicans kept stealing the patrol cars, thinking they were Porsches.

Q: What do you do when an epileptic has a fit in your bathtub?
A: Throw in your laundry.

Q: Where do epileptics go when in Las Vegas?
A: Seizures Palace.

Q: What has three balls and comes from outer space?
A: E.T. - the Extra Testicle.

Q: Did you hear about Jesse Jackson's plan to eliminate unemployment.
A: He's expanding the NBA to 5,000 teams.

Q: What's John Lennon doing these days?
A: Decomposing.

Q: What did Joan collins sy to King Kong?
A: 'Is it in yet?'

Q: What has a hundred balls and fucks rabbits?
A: A shotgun.

Q: Why can't the scientists figure out what causes AIDS?
A: They can't train the laboratory rats to butt-fuck.

Q: How many men does it take to mop a floor?
A: None. It's a woman's job.

Q: What do hookers and butter have in common?
A: They both spread for bread.

Q: Why do women like to play Pac-Man?
A: Because they can get eaten three times for a quarter.

Q: Why are most cowgirls bowlegged?
A: Because cowboys never take their hats off when they eat.

Q: How can you tell when a girl is horny?
A: When you put your hand down their pants and it feels like a horse eating
   oats.

Q: What are three things a woman can do that a man can't?
   (1) Have a baby.
   (2) Have her period.
   (3) Get laid when she's dead.

Q: Why is clitoris like Antartica?
A: Most men know it's there, but few really care.

Q: Why is AIDS a miracle?
A: It's the only thing in the world that can change a fruit into a vegetable.

Q: What does a lesbian get every twenty-eight days?
A: A free meal.

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Fuck her.

Q: What's a 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.

Q: What's a 72?
A: A 69 with 5-percent meal tax.

Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: You take your foot off its head and let it rise to the surface.

Q: How can you tell if you have an overbite?
A: If you're eating pussy and it tastes like shit.

Q: What's the difference between a Biafran baby and an NFL football?
A: The football has to weigh at least fourteen ounces.

Q: How can you identify Dolly Parton's kids at a party?
A: They're the ones with stretch marks around their mouths.

Q: What part of Popeye never rusts?
A: The part he puts in Olive Oyl.

Q: What happened to the the guy who lost his whole left side in an accident?
A: He's all right.

Q: What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
A: The wheelchair.

Q: What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?
A: He got a little behind in his orders.

Q: Did you hear what happened to the fly on the toilet seat?
A: He got pissed off.

Q: Why did the man with the legless dog call his pet 'Cigarette'?
A: Because every so often he'd take him for a drag.

Q: What's grosser than gross?
A: When you kiss your grandmother and she slips you the tounge.

Q: How do you find a foxhole?
A: Lift its tail.

Q: What's the last thing that goes through a cat's mind as it's hit by a truck
   at 100 m.p.h.?
A: His asshole.

Q: What's Greek foreplay?
A: Here, sheepie, sheepie, sheepie.

Q: What do you call a woman who can suck an orange through a garden hose?
A: Darling.

Q: What's the difference between having a job and being married for ten years?
A: A job still sucks after ten years.

Q: What's the difference between an elephant and an Italian grandmother?
A: Twenty pounds and a black dress.

Q: What does eating pussy and being a member of the Mafia have in common?
A: One slip of the tounge and you're in deep shit.

Q: How can you tell an Italian plane out on the runway?
A: It's the one with hair under its wings.

Q: What do you get when you cross a black and a Jew?
A: A janitor in a law firm.

Q: Who was the first black prostitute?
A: Kunta Kinte's sister - Rentacunta.

Q: How about the Japanese factory that spray-painted all their new robots black?
A: They were two hours late to work the next day.

Q: What's the difference between a black and a bicycle?
A: A bicycle doesn't sing, "Kumbaya, my lord" when you chain it to the wall.

Q: What do you call a seventy-five-pound Ethiopian?
A: "Fatso"

Q: What's black and has cobwebs?
A: An Ethiopian's asshole.

Q: What are Mexicans?
A: Living proof that Indians fucked buffaloes.

Q: What do you call a midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison?
A: A small medium at large.

Q: What's teh difference between an oyster with epilepsy and a whore with
   diarrhea?
A: One you shuck between fits ...

Q: I'll say one thing about polio-
A: It keeps the kids off the street.

Q: Why wasn't JFK a good boxer?
A: He couldn't take a shot to the head.

Q: Why did the NHL draft Indira Gandhi?
A: She stopped seven shots in four seconds.

Q: What was John Lennon's last hit?
A: The pavement.

Q: What did one gay sperm say to the other?
A: "How'm I supposed to find an egg in all this shit?"

Q: What did Jesus say while hanging on the cross?
A: "This is a hell of a way to spend Easter vacation."

Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: A nun with stab wounds.

Q: How do you know when you've had a great blowjob?
A: You have to pull the sheets out of the crack in your ass.

Q: What was the last thing that went through J. Lennons mind?
A: Worms.

Q: Why do Scotsmen have such long thin penises?
A: Coz they're a bunch of tight fisted wankers.

490 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

An engineer, A physic-scientist and a mathematician is on a train trip
through scotland, when they sees a black sheep through the window the
engenieer says "from this we can conclude that all Scottish sheeps are
black" ! No ! SAYS THE physic-scientist "from this we can conclude
that ther is at least one Scottish sheep which is black" ! No No !
Says the mathematician "from this we can conclude that ther is at
least one Scottish sheep which is black at least one side" !

Later in the evening, when they have arrived at house they are going
to spend there holliday in, they go to bed and fall asleep. Then in
the middel of the night the engenieer wakes up beacase the is a, still
small, fire in his bed. He rushes out into the kitchen fetches a
bucket full of water rushes back to his bed and kills the fire by
splashing the water on it. Then he falls asleep and sleeps wet.  An
hour later the physic-scientist wakes up due to a fire in his bed - he
graps a pen and some paper calculates a few minutes, walks out to the
kitchen measures accurately 0.67 l of water walks back to his bed
pours the water on the fire and with the last drop he kills the fire
so he he falls asleep and sleeps dry. An hour later the mathematician
wakes up due to a fire in his bed - he too graps pen and paper and
starts calculating and while the fire grows he uses more and more
paper, and then after almost an hous calculus he says - There is a
solution !

One day the engenieer and the mathematician walks around and meets a
verry rich man who tells them that if they can get all the way over to
it they are allowed to take the sack, filled with gold, standing on
the ground 20 m away - but they are only allowed to take steps of a
length of max. half the remaning distance.
The mathematician knows (he is after all a little educated) that it
isn`t possible to get to the sack on those conditions, so he does
nothing, but then he sees that the engenieer walks all the way to the
sack, with normal sized steps, graps it and walks back. "BUT..." - he
says "Measurement insecurity" say the engenieer.

491 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A woman is delivering a baby.
    She's a soccer player, and so's her husband, who's not there!
    She's having a hard labour.
    The baby's almost out.
    She gives her best, her last effort before fading out!
    'Huuuuuummmmmmmmm'...
    The baby comes out so rapidely he smashes against the wall...

    She mourns him and starts thinking she wants to give another try.
    A few months later she's again in labour delivering a baby and this
time her husband, a goal keeper, by the way, is there to help her. They both
know she can't help throwing the kid against the wall, therefore he decides
to go to the same place the baby died last time. He missed the spot.
    She mourns the baby and a few months later she's in labour again, and
her husband is there again. Covering the whole area.
    She's trying, trying.... trying, and the baby.. voooochh, flies just
across the hall and her husband gets it and **PUUUUNCHHH**: " Here it goes!"

492 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

One Gay sperm cell was talking to another rather excitedly.
"Man, we've got to find a way out of here, " says the first one.
"Why?  What's the matter?", says the second one.
"They think we're all crazy, man," says the first.
"What makes you think that?", says the second.
"Because they've detained us in a rubber room!"

493 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Whats black and white and red and crawls throught the grass?
A: A machined gunned nun

494 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The three dwarves were in rome and went to the nearest nunnery. They got to
talk to the mother superior. "Excuse us, but can you tell us where the dwarf
nuns are?". "Sorry", she replies, "but there are no dwarf nuns here". "Well,
are there any in the city?". "No, there are no dwarf nuns". "What, none
anywhere in Europe?". "No, little man". "None in the entire world". "Take my
word for it". At this 6 of the seven dwarves burst out laughing. The MS
asks "What's so funny?". "Dopey's just fucked a penguin".

495 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he
wanted to get them bred.  So, he borrowed his neighbor's bull
and turned it loose in the pasture.  He told his son to watch
and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.

"Yeah daddy, yeah daddy" said the little boy.

After a while the boy came into the living where his father was
talking with some friends.  "Say, Pop", said the boy.  "Yes",
replied his father.

"The bull just fucked the brown cow".

There was a sudden lull in the conversation.  The father said
"Excuse me" and took his son outside.  "Son, you mustn't use
language like that in front of company.  You should say
'The bull *surprised* the brown cow'.  Now go and watch
and tell me when the bull *surprises* the white cow".

The father went back inside the house.  After a while the
boy came in and said "Hey, Daddy".

"Yes, son.  Did the bull surprise the white cow?"
"He sure did, Pop!  He fucked the brown cow again!"

496 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Willie had a gambling problem. He'd bet on anything.
One day, Willie's father consulted his teacher.
The teacher said. "Mr.Gaines, I think I know how to teach Willie
a real lesson. We'll trap him into a big wager that he'll lose."
Willie's father agreed to cooperate with the plan.
The next day at school, the teacher watched Willie making wagers
with the other children, and she said, "Willie, I want you
to remain after class."  When the others had left the
classroom, Willie walked up to the teacher. Before she could
say a word, he said, " Dont say it, Miss B; I know what you're
going to say, but you're a liar!"
"Willie!" the startled teacher said." What are you talking about
"Your a fake!" Willie continued."How can I believe anything
you tell me? You've got this blond hair on top, but I've seen
your bush and it's pitch black!"
Trying to keep her cool, the teacher said, "Willie that isn't
true."
"I'll bet a dollar it is !" Willie challenged.
The teacher saw her chance to teach Willie his lesson."Make
it five dollars and you have a bet," she said.
"You're on!" Willie whipped out a five dollar bill. Before anyon
could come into the room, Miss B. dropped her panties, spread he
legs, and showed Willie that her pubic hair was as blond as the
hair on top of her head.
Willie hung his head. "You win," he said, handing her the fiver.
Miss. B couldn't wait for him to leave so she could get to a pho
call his father. She reported what had happened. "Mr. Gaines,"
she said, "I think we've finally taught him his lesson."
"The hell we have," the father muttered. "This morning Willie be
me ten dollars that he'd see your pussy before the day was over.

497 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are two guys, Fred and Jack, lying in bed. Fred was
feeling a bit tired, so he has just been lying there while
Jack has been reaming his rear. Sudenly Fred gets the urge
to take a piss, so he says to Jack, 'Pull out for a bit,
I'm just gonna go take a leak'. So off Fred goes. Jack's
lying there on his own, and gets the urge to take a leak
too. So he gets out of bed, goes down the hall, and waits
outside the toilet door. The door opens and there's white
think stuff gooping from the door frame, running down the
walls and forming puddles on the floors. "Jeeezuz! cries
Jack, what the fook happened!!!!" Fred casualy walks past
him saying, "oh, I farted"

498 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A nun walks out of a church and sees two little boys kneeling down
with their penises stuck in the snow. She runs over to them and asks
"Billy, Jimmy what are you doing?"  . Billy replies
"Oh, Father O'Sullivan like a couple cold ones after the service"

499 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy meets a girl at a bar and is getting along fine with her, But
he has a problem remembering names and it has caused problems before..
After several attempts of getting her name wrong, she corrects him and
says "My name is Franny - Fanny with an R"

"Okay - Okay.  I got it now" The boy says and they continue
their conversation..

Later that night, he introduces her to a friend, he says
"I would like you to meet Susan",
Franny pipes up and says "My name is Franny - Fanny with an R"
"OH Shit - Sorry.  I got it now" says the boy..

They hit it off big and decide there could be more to this meeting, so they
arrange to meet again tomorrow night..
After calling her on the phone, he is again corrected by Franny with her
name..  She says "My name is Franny - Fanny with an R"

He swore he wouldn't get it wrong again and they arranged to go out and
for him to pick her up at her place..  While he was driving over there,
he kept reminding himself:  Franny - Fanny with an R.
He hit the Freeway and said "Franny - Fanny with an R,  I got it now!"
Exited from the freeway and said "Franny - Fanny with an R, no Problem!"
Turned into her street and said "Franny - Fanny with an R, yes !"
Stopped outside her house and said "Franny - Fanny with an R, Okay"
Walked up to her door and said "Franny - Fanny with an R, I got it."
He rung her doorbell and she came to the door,
He looked at her and said:

"G'day Crunt"

500 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A very camp gay dude rocks up to the deli counter and says
"I'd like to by a pepparoni salami pleath"
The girly behind the counter says:
"Would you like me to slice that for you sir?"
"Why, do you think I've got a poker machine for an ath-hole or thomething?
Thankyou, thankyou.

501 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

  A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or
Europe, a 1989 Turbo BeepBeep.  It is the best and most expensive
car in the world, and it runs him $500,000.  He takes it out for
a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light.

  An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old,
pulls up next to him.  The old man looks over the sleek, shiny
surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there,
sonny?".

  The dude replies "A 1993 Turbo BeepBeep.  They cost
$500,000."

  "That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why
does it cost so much?"  "Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an
hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

  The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"  "Sure"
replies the owner, so the old man pokes his head in the window
and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says
"That's a pretty nice car, alright!"

  Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show
the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30
seconds the speedometer reads 320.  Suddenly, the guy notices a
dot in his rear view mirror.  It seems to be getting closer!
Suddenly,Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh!   Something whips by him!
Going 2, maybe 3 times as fast!

  The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than
my Turbo BeepBeeP?"  Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming
toward him. Whooooooooooosh!  Goes by again!  And, it almost
looked like the old man on the moped!  Couldn't be thinks the
guy.  How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a
dot in his rearview mirror! WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM!
It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

  The guy jumps out, and jeezus to betsy, it is the old man!
Of course , the moped and the old man are hurting for certain.
The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad!
Is there anything I can do for you?"

  The old man replies "yeah.  Unhook my suspenders from the
side-view mirror on your car!"

502 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

  A Preacher in New Mexico(USA) wanted to raise some
money for his church, and being told there was a
fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a
horse and enter it in the races.

  However, at a local auction, the going price for a
horse was so steep, the Preacher ended up buying a
donkey instead.

  He figured that since he had it, he might as well
enter the donkey in the races.  To his surprise the
donkey came in third.  The next day the racing form
carried this headline:  "PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS."

  The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that
he entered it in the races again.  This time, it won.
The next day the racing form carried this headline:
"PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT."

  The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity, that he ordered the preacher not to enter
the donkey in another race.  The headlines that day
read:  "BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS."

  This was too much for the Bishop.  He ordered the
Preacher to get rid of the animal.

  The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.  The headlines next day read:  "NUN
HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN."

  The bishop fainted.. He informed the nun she would
have to dispose of the donkey.  She found a farmer who
was willing to buy it for ten dollars.  The next day
the paper stated:  "NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN DOLLARS."

  They buried the bishop the next day.

503 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Whats the difference between men and hogs?
A: A hog won't spend 20 bucks on drinks just so he can fuck some pig!

504 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This guy from the bush goes to the doctor for a complete medical
check-up. The quack says he is OK but for one problem, and that
he is to put a suppository in his back passage every night for
a week, and come back and see him then.
A week later:-
He tells the doctor that he doesn't have a back passage at home,
so he put them on the front verandah instead and for all the
good they did, he might just as well have shoved them up his arse!

505 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman's husband dies.  Although she is grieving, she wants to
do everything right for his burial.  She goes to the funeral parlor
to check out their preparations, and finds her husband's body in
a blue suit.  So she walks up to the funeral director and says:

"My husband always liked to wear brown suits... could you please
change it?"

"No problem, ma'am, it should be done by this afternoon."

The woman returns that afternoon, and sees her husband in a brown suit.
She's so impressed by the service that she immediately goes to
the director and says: "Thanks for taking care of that so quickly!"

The director says, "Well, it so happened that another man died
today, and he was wearing a brown suit.  _His_ wife comes in, and
says that he always liked wearing _blue_ suits.  And since your
husband and this other man were about the same size..."


From aus.jokes Thu May 12 08:40:44 1994
Path: werple.apana.org.au!yarrina.connect.com.au!harbinger.cc.monash.edu.au!merlin!mel.dit.csiro.au!etrog.se.citri.EDU.AU!jaguar.catt.citri.edu.au!jck
~From: [e-mail] (Justin Kibell)
~Newsgroups: aus.jokes
~Subject: Dirty Jokes II - [4 of 5]
~Date: 4 May 1994 00:34:18 GMT
Organization: CATT Centre at CITRI
~Lines: 3000
~Sender: jck@jaguar (Justin Kibell)
Distribution: world
Message-ID: <2q6qia$[e-mail]>
NNTP-Posting-Host: jaguar.catt.citri.edu.au

"I understand, but it must have been a lot of trouble switching
suits!"

"No, ma'am, we just switched the heads."

506 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is touring in a fundamentalist foreign country.  It's
got really strict laws on littering of any kind, along the
lines of you lose a hand for dropping a paper.

Anyways, this man is out travelling in the capital of this
country, and he suddenly feels the urge to take a shit.  He runs
to the nearest public facilities, but the stalls are all
occupied.  He gets a brilliant idea of how to deal with his
now urgent problem.

First looking around to see that no cops are around, he takes
off one shoe, and one sock, and proceeds to dump his load
in the sock.  Then he grabs the sock by the toe and whirls
it about his head.  Naturally, the shit comes pouring out
and splatters on all the walls, but none falls on the floor
for anyone to see.

Just to be safe, he calls a janitor and says,
"I made this awful mess, I'll pay you $50 to clean it up."

The janitor looks at the shit-splattered walls with a beady
eye and says nonchalantly, "Mister, I'll pay you $50 if you
tell me how in the hell you did that!"

507 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This bloke had just started work at a mortuary when one day this really
gorgeous blonde woman gets put 'on the slab'
Any how, this bloke goes to the boss of the place and he says to the guy,
'That blonde woman's got a prawn hanging out of her cunt!'
The boss turns around and says,
'That's not a prawn that's her clitoris!'
'Well it tastes like a prawn!'

508 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well there was this new father who looked through the glasses at all the
babies lying in the mini-beds, not knowing which one of them was his, He asked
the nurse.
-Take me to my baby, so we can hugh eachother, and he (it was a he) can look
at his father with his babyeyes.
-I'm sorry said the nurse, there has been some complication at the delivery,
so none of these healty babies are yours, please follow me.
So they went into another room with a special bed containing one arm and
legless child.
-Ohhhh, my son, exclaimed the father, bring him to me so I can hugh him, and
we can look at eachother.
-Hrrmmm, said the nurse, I'm sorry but it's worse than this.
Taking the father to a room nextdoors, where there were two eyes lying in
a bowl.
-Ohhhh, my son, well at least you can look at me.
-No, that's not possible said the nurse, he's blind.

509 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     There was an Englishmenwalking in downtown Toronto and he was
getting alittle thirsty so he stopped at a small pub to quench his
thirst with a nice drink of scotch.  He entered the pub and proceeded
to the bar and ordered a glass of 1929 scotch.   This was a very fine
year and the pub only had a couple of bottles left in the back room,
so the bar tender went back an d asked the manager what he should do.
 The manager said  "We can't give away that scotch, cousin Ernie is
coming up next week and I've been saving it for him, give the
customer a glass of 1949, he'll never know the difference." When the
bartender gave the Englishmen the scotch, he got back in his faced
and the raged English man shoutd " This is 1949 scotch I asked for
1929, and I shan't wait long!"  The bartender pleaded with the
manager,but the best he could get was permission to use 1931 scotch
not presuming he could tell the difference.  The Eng. spit it back in
the bartenders face identifying the scotch to spring of 1931 - then
gave the bartender one more chance.  Meanwhile, a newfie sitting at
the bar was amazed by the talent and had an idea of his own.  He went
to the washroom with his glass and pissed in it, then he returned to
the bar and gave it to the Englishmen.  The Eng.  took a large gulp
and after he spit it out dcreed to the Newfie "that's not scotch
that's urine!"  The Newfie responded " Damn right, now how old am I?

510 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
    wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or
    else...  I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.  I
    withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the
    sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.  I then withdrew
    the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the
    exception of one glass, which I drank.  I then withdrew the cork from
    the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.  I
    pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the
    bottle down the glass, which I drank.  I pulled the bottle from the
    cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down
    the glass.  I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork
    down the bottle.  Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the
    drink and drank the pour.  When I had everything emptied, I steadied
    the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks
    with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I
    counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle,
    which I drank.  I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle
    peep I am.  I'm not half as thunk as you might drink.  I fool so
    feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the
    longer I get.

511 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age, rather
curious.  He has been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the
older boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.  One day
he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.  Instead
of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains
one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.  That he did!  the
following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.

    Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked awhile, then he turned off
most of the lights.  then he started to kiss and hug her.  I figured Sis
must have been getting sick, because her face started looking funny.  He
must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to
feel her heart, just like the doctor would.  He wasn't as smart as the doctor
because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

    I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them
started panting and getting all out of breath.  His other hand must have
been cold, because he put it under her skirt.  About this time, Sis got worse
and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down to the other end
of the couch.  This is when the fever started.  I knew it was a fever because
Sis told him she felt really hot.

    Finally I found out what was making them so sick...a big eel had
gotten inside his pants somehow.  It just jumped out of his pants and stood
there, about ten inches long....I swear!  When Sis saw it she got scared....
her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to God
and stuff like that.  She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen.  I
should tell her about the ones down at the lake.

    Anyways, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting it's
head off.  All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go.  I guess
it bit her back.  Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight
while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head
to keep it from biting again.  Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could
get a scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on top of the eel.

    The eel put up a hell of a fight.  Sis started groaning and squealing
and her boyfriend almost upset the couch.  I guess they wanted to kill the
eel by squashing it between them.  After awhile they both quit moving and gave
a great sigh.  I knew it was dead because it just hung there, limp and some
of its insides were hanging out.

    Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle but they
went back to courting anyway.  He started hugging and kissing her again.  By
golly the eel wasn't dead.  It jumped straight up and started to fight again.
I guess eels are like cats, they have nine lives.  This time Sis jumped
up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it.  After thirty-five minutes
of struggling, they finally killed the eel.  I knew it was dead for sure this
time because I saw Sis' boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the
toilet!

512 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: When you wake up in the morning, how can you tell that you had great
   oral sex the night before?
A: Your face looks like a glazed donut.

513 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks along a solid fence. Somebody from behind the fence is
repeatedly saying "twenty four, twenty four .. ". Puzzled he wants to see
what's going on there. He finds a hole and peeks. Immediately a finger sticks
into his eye: "twenty five, twenty five..".

514 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the dentist who had just got married and while
fooling around in bed his new wife asked him to give her some oral sex.
He quickly replied to her,"No way, I'm not going to do that!" So she
asked him why not and he told her that women have teeth down there. She
laughed and asked him who told him that which he replied his mother.
Well after a few minutes of trying to convince that wasn't true, she
finally talked him into going down and taking a look and see for
himself. So after being under the covers looking to make sure, he comes
up with a strange look on his face. So she asks him well do I have
teeth down there??? He replied, "Well no you don't." "But, it's no
wonder with the condition your gums are in!"

515 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is the jewish football strategy?
A: To get a quarter back.

516 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A black woman goes to the doctor, complaining of a really bad headache.

The doctor says that he will have to examine her.

"Would you please remove all your clothes, and lie down on the examination
table."

"But doctor, what has this got to do with my headache?", she asked.

"Just trust me.  Now spread your legs nice and wide.   Yes, thats very
interesting" he said, staring between her legs. "Just excuse me for a moment."

The doctor came back promptly with his wife, who proceeded to also look
between the woman's legs.

His wife said "Yes, I see what you mean."

"Doctor", the black woman asked, "What has this got to do with my headache?"

"Nothing at all, " the doctor replied, "we were just considering getting some
pink cushions on our black leather lounge, but my wife wanted to see what it
would look like first."

517 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     After an examination, the doctor says to his elderly patient, "Tom, I
have really bad news for you.  You have terminal cancer and you have
Alzheimer's disease."
     "Well, it could be worse", Tom replies, "I could have cancer!"

518 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit?
A: Hey, are you gonna eat that?  hehe

Q: Why do Black people think only of sex?
A: You would too if your head was covered in pubic hair.

519 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was this old guy and his wife and they were both a tad deaf. They
were discussing sex one day in bed and the old dude said to his wife,

"If you want to have sex with me then tug on my cock once. If I want to
 have sex with you then I will pull you nipple. If I don't want to have sex
 with you then I will tug twice on your nipple, but if you don't want to have
 sex with me then you will tug 100 times on my cock!"

520 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Jewish man walks into a whore house and asks for a lady who
can do it "Jewish Style". The ladies were all perplexed because
they had never heard of the Jewish style. Finally one girl
decides she'll give it a try. She goes up to the man and says
"I have to admit I feel a little awkward doing this because I
have never done it Jewish style before. But I really want to
learn it so this time I'll give it to you half price."
To which the man cheerfully responds, "Thats it!"

521 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

It seems a woman consulted a doctor, explaining that for many years she
sufferred from excessive flatulance, but there was never any sound or smell so
she had done nothing about it. So the Dr. took down all of her medical history,
a process that took quite a while. At the end, the woman says, "You see, Dr -
while I've been sitting here talking to you I've broken wind five times, but
there's no sound and no smell."

At this point, the Dr. scribbled something on a pad, ripped off a sheet and
handed it to the woman. "What's this?" she asked, "some pills?"

"No", replied the Dr: "that is a prescription for a hearing aid: come in next
week, and we will operate on your nose."

522 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy goes to visit his Doctor and says

"Doctor - I have an embarassing problem.  Everytime I urinate, no matter
how much a shake the little feller, the last drop always ends up in my
pants, causing a yellow stain"

The learned Doctor replies "Don't be too upset, men all over the world
share a similar problem, and there is a simple cure.  Drop your pants and
stand here in front of me"

The Doctor proceeds to study the man's penis for a few minutes, then
stands up and looks up the guy's nose.  After a few seconds, he says
"This will do the trick nicely" and he pulls out the largest nasal hair
he could find.  He then inserts the hair up the eye of the poor blokes
penis. "There - that'll fix it!"

"You mean thats all there is, it won't drip any more ?" asked the guy.

"Well, lets test it - here, drink this beer and wait a few minutes"

Sure enough, after a few minutes, the bloke needed to 'point percy at the
porcelain' , so the Doctor gave him a sample bottle and he did the deed.
When he finished, he shook the little feller a few times, and tapped it
against the bottle, to be sure he got the last drop.

However, a few seconds later a small drop begins to form at the end of
his penis.  It grows and grows for a few seconds, and just as it is about
to drop, his penis 'sniffs' loudly, and sucks it back.  All fixed!

523 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

One morning a man looks in the mirror and sees something growing
from his forehead. It seems to be a small penis. As this worries him
the man goes to a doctor. "Doctor, do you see this? It looks like a
small penis." "Yes, indeed it is, but within three months you won't
see anything of it anymore". "Ah, ok". "Because, Sir, the balls will
be hanging before your eyes."

524 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is expecting his wife to give birth at any moment and he is anxiously
pacing the floor.

The doctor comes out of the labour ward looking worried. "Sir , your wife
has given birth but I'm afraid that the baby is handicapped!"

"Take me to see my child" decalres the man bravely

"OK, but you can be in for a big shock"

They go into the ward and all the newborns are in their cribs.

The first baby unfortunatly has no arms. "Is this my child?" askes the
distressed father.

"No", comes the reply, much to his relief

The second crib has a child with no arms and no legs. (Shame!)

"Is this my child" asks the father

The answer was the same "No!"

(insert increasing degrees of handicaps here for effect until your audience
is realy looking green!)

Finally in the last crib, a pair of eyes and nothing more is sitting on the
pillow! (Barf! Hurl!)

"Is this my child?" is the desperate question.

"Yes, Sir, but unfortunately the child was born blind!"

525 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   A man spent a late night in the pub, and finally went home. In the
  lobby, he tripped over HUGE man's shoes.
   - "Huh?", he muttered, and at the same time, he saw a HUGE man's
  coat hanging in the hanger. He realized that his wife must have a
  lover!
   He sneaked over to the bedroom door, and peeped through the keyhole.
  inside, he saw a HUGE man humping his wife.
   - "What the hell am I going to do? That gorilla's gonna kill me!"
   He ran in helpless circles awhile, then went to the garage, picked
  up a shovel, rushed back into the bedroom, SCREAMED!!!, and hit the
  HUGE man on the butt with the shovel.
   The huge man raised his head and said to the wife:
   - "You sed it wouldn't fit in. But, all of a sudden, it fits!"

526 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do Telecom and a platypus have in common?
A: They can both stick their bills up their arse.

527 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

        A lady went to the pet shop to buy a talking cockatoo.
        When she got there she found the perfect bird, the man at the
        store said he was guaranteed to talk!!!  Anyway, she got the
        bird home and put him in a nice cage and everything and then
        the bird said "Poly wants a fuckin' cracker"  The old girl
        almost had a heart attack, and rang the pet shop immediately.
        The man at the pet store said that the cockatoo must be taught
        some discipline.  He recommended the lady put the bird in the
        freezer for an hour.  So she did, and when the poor little
        bastards time was up, the lady got the cockatoo out of the
        freezer and asked him if he had anything to say for himself,
        and to her surprise the bird said "Yeah, Im still fuckin'
        hungry ya bitch, get me a fuckin cracker"  This time the lady
        was furious and rang the pet shop again and got right up the
        man who had sold her the bird.  "My stupid bird is still
        swearing, what am I going to do about him now???"  The man
        still believed the bird needed to be taught some discipline,
        and told the lady to put the cockatoo in the freezer for three
        hours this time!  The lady hung up the phone and straight away
        put the cockatoo in the freezer.  After the three hours had
        passed, she pulled the snap frozen cocky from the freezer.  The
        bird stood there shivering, with water running off his feathers
        and said "Jesus! what did the chicken do???"

528 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A while ago, there was an 8 o'clock curfew in Belfast, and two soldiers
were walking along a side street.  They saw a man staggering down the
sidewalk, who looked a little sloshed.  One of the soldiers levels his
rifle, fires, and hits the man in the back, killing him instantly.
    The second soldier turns to the first and says, "Why in bloody
hell did you do that?  It's only 7:30!?"  The first soldier replies,
"It's alright, I know where he lives.  He wouldn't have made it home by 8."

529 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How come they slap new born babies?
A: To knock the dicks off the stupid ones.

530 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Man walks into the Doctors office and says:

"DDDDoctttorrr, IIII gggot aa ssssevere pppprobblem wwwith ssstttutttering."

Upon examining the man, the doctor notices a 20 inch dick. The doctor said,
If you want a cure for your stuttering, we'll have to remove half your dick."
 The man reluctantly agrees.

Two months after the operation, the same man returns to the doctors office
and says "Hey Doc, I feel great! No more stuttering! Just one problem, my
sex life with my wife stinks! You'll have to undo the operation and put the
other ten inches back".

With that, the doctor replied "NNNNNoooo WWWWaaYYYY!!.

531 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's this big fat black woman who lives on the top floor
of her housing  project. One cold snowy day while waiting
for the city bus to take her to work, she felt a tremendous
shit coming on. Fearfull that she may miss the bus, she decides
to squat right there and take a dump. When she's done, there is
a big pile of black shit steaming on the cold sidewalk.

When the bus driver pulled up, he looks out the door and says
"Hey lady, that's full fare for you, half for your son, and
tell him to put out that damm ciggarette!"

532 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Did you hear about the new ITALIAN tires?
A: Dey go and dego and dego  and when dego flat dey go WOP WOP WOP WOP WOP!!!!

Q: What is the definition of a cacoon?
A: An aboriginal with a stutter!

533 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Wife sits in front of a mirror looking at her breasts. When her
husband walks out of the bathroom, she comments, "Dear, my breasts are
too small. Give me some money to have the enlarged."

    Husband says, "Your breasts are fine. They're just the right size."

    Wife, "But everybody has large breasts nowadays.
I would be out of fashion if I didn't have large breasts."

    Husband, knowing he's fighting a losing battle, "I've got a
breast enlarging method that won't cost a cent. What you do is take a
piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts everyday."

    Wife, incredulous, "That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."

    Husband, "Just do it. I guarantee it'll work."

    Wife, "You must be joking! What gave you such a silly notion?"

    Husband, "It must work! It worked on your bum."

534 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and an octopus?
A: I don't know, but it sure can pick strawberries!!!!

Q: What's a screechbird?
A: It's a bird that flies around in concentric circles of ever decreasing
   radius until with a loud "SCRRRREEEECH" it flies up its own asshole!!

535 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Many have experienced the confusion of traffic accidents and have
had  to summerize correctly what happened in a few words or  less
on insurance or accident forms.   The following quotes were taken

 1) Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a
    tree I don't have.

 2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of
    it's intentions.

 3) I though my window was down, but I found out it was up when I
    put my hand through it.

 4) I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

 5) A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

 6) A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

 7) The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of
    times before I hit him.

 8) I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
    mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

 9) In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

10) I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way
    home, as I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up,
    obscuring my vision.

11) I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the
    wheel and had an accident.

12) I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my
    universal joints gave way, causing me to have an accident.

13) As I approched the intersection, a stop sign suddenly
    appeared to stop in time to avoid the accient.

14) To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the
    pedestrian.

15) My car was legally parked as it backed into the other
    vehicle.

16) An Invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and
    vanished.

17) I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my
    hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.

18) I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side
    of the street when I struck him.

19) The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over
    him.

20) I saw the slow moving, sad faced gentleman as he bounced off
    the hood of my car.

21) I was thrown from my car as it left the road, I was later
    found in a ditch by some stray cows.

22) The telephone pole was approching fast, I attempted to swerve
    out of it's way, when it struck the front of my car.

536 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny was in class again.Teacher asked everyone "Can anyone tell
me a sentence with the word definitely in it?"
Meg puts up her hand."The sky is definitely blue."
"Thats not bad,Meg," says the teacher, "but the sky can be grey or red."
Young Sally tried :"The grass is definitely green."
"Good try Sally,but grass can be yellow too!"
Suddenly Little Johnny's hand shoots up.
"Miss..does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher was horrified."No of course not Johnny!What are you talking about?"
So Johnny says,"Well then Miss, I've definitely shit meself!"

537 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Did you hear the one about the two drunks in the car behind Lorena Bobbit?
A: Something hit their windshield and one looked at the other and said,
   "Man, did you see the dick on that bug?!"

538 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two blokes are talking in a pub and one of them says that he
has a great idea for earning some easy money. Zoos are paying
big money for live gorillas and he has a scheme for capturing
them. All they need, he says, is a baseball bat, a shotgun and
his faithful bulldog. He goes on to explain that they go into
the jungle and when they find a gorilla it will climb up a tree
to escape them. He then climbs up after it and shakes it out of
the tree. When it hits the ground, the bulldog runs up to it
and clamps it jaws around the gorillas balls in its vise-like
grip. The gorilla will naturally stay completely stil and the
second bloke can just knock it unconscious with the baseball bat.

This all sounds pretty reasonable, but the second bloke remembers
that a shotgun was mentioned and asks what that was needed for.
"That's in case the gorilla knocks me out of the tree first",
replies his mate. "If that happens, you shoot the goddam dog!"

539 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reminds me of the woman who goes to her gynacologist and complains of
a pain in her averies. "Don't you mean ovaries?" the doc says.
"No" she says.
"We had better have a look" says doc.
After a minute of peering, doc says "You're right, there's been
a cockatoo up there"
(Please note - the doc is not necessarily male. I don't want to offend
the female viewers by stereotyping the profession!)

540 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bill and Bruce are hitch-hiking when a truckie picks them up and gives
them a lift. About half an hour later Bill turns and says "Exthcuse me mr
twuck driver, can I fart?" "Yeah alright" says the truckie "just make sure
you stick your ass out the window" Bill sticks his ass out the window and
let's out a "whoosh". Half an hour later Bruce turns and says "Exthcuse me
mr twuck driver, can I fart?" "Yeah sure" says the truckie again "just
stick your ass out the window." Bruce does and also let's out a "whoosh".
Half an hour later the truckie says "hey I gotta fart" and sticks his ass
out the window and lets out this incredibly long, loud high-pitch squeaky
fart! Bill and Bruce's eyes light up as they turn to each other "mmmmmm A
VIRGIN!!!!!!'

541 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you know that once you get married, you can look
foreward to three different kinds of sex?

- First, there's House Sex, when you make love all
  over the house: on the floor, on the kitchen table, in the
  garage, anywhere, anytime.
- Then comes Bedroom Sex: once the kids are
  bathed, and fed and asleep, the shades pulled, and the
  door locked, you make love in the bedroom.
- Last comes Hall Sex.  That's when you pass each
  other in the hall and snarl, "Fuck You".

542 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What goes "hop, skip, jump, ka-blam!"?
A: Nicaraguan children playing in a mine field.

Q: What's the difference between a Drunk and an Alcoholic?
A: The drunk dosent have to go to meetings.

543 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jesus and Moses went golfing, and were about even until
they reached the fifteenth hole, a par five.  Both balls
landed about twenty feet from the edge of a little pond
that stood between them and the hole.  Moses took out a
5-wood and landed his ball in excellent position.  Jesus
took out a 5-iron.
   "Hang on, hang on," cautioned Moses.  "Use a wood--
you'll never make it."
   "If Arnold Palmer can make that shot with a 5-iron,
so can I," said Jesus.  His ball landed in the middle of
the lake.  Moses parted the waters, retrieved the ball,
and sighed when he saw Jesus still holding the 5-iron.
   "If Arnold Palmer can make that shot with a 5-iron,
so can I," maintained Jesus.  Again Moses had to part
the waters to retrieve the ball.  By this time there
were a number of people waiting to play through, and
Moses said firmly, "Listen, Jesus, I'm not fetching the
ball another time.  Use a wood."
   Jesus, however still insisted, "If Arnold Palmer can
make that shot with a 5-iron, so can I." SPLASH!!
   Moses shook his head.  "I told you, I'm not budging.
Get it yourself."  So Jesus walked off across the water
towards where the ball had landed.
   At this, the onlookers gaped in astonishment.  One
came over to Moses and stammered, "I can't believe my
eyes -- that guy must think he's Jesus Christ!"
   In response, Moses shook his head gloomily.  "He IS
Jesus Christ.  He THINKS he's Arnold Palmer."

544 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovas's Witness with a Hell's Angel?
A: Someone who knocks on your door at 7:30 on a Saturday morning and tells
   you to go fuck yourself.

545 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The horny midget found that the best way to make time with women was to be
direct about it.  So he went up to the tallest blondest woman at the party
and said,
"Hey, honey, whaddaya say to a little fuck?" She looked down at him and
promptly replied, "Hello, you little fuck!"

546 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How does an elephant get off on an oak tree?
A: Sits on an acorn and waits.

Q: How do you find a foxhole?
A: Lift it's tail.

Q: What's 8 inches long, and hangs in front of an asshole?
A: Dan Quayle's tie.

Q: Why does football have so many fans?
A: It's the only time a black man can chase a white one and 75,000 people
   will stand up and cheer.

547 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a Phillipino contortionist?
A: A manilla folder.

Q: When a man and a woman get married, they need a marriage  license. What
   do lesbians need?
A: A licker license.

Q: How do you tell if you have bad acne?
A: If a blind man reads your face.

Q: What's brown and sounds like a doorbell?
A: Dung.

Q: Why did the cops take the 911 emergency number off the  back of their cars?
A: The Mexicans kept stealing them thinking they were  Porche's.

Q: Why is a moped and a fat lady similar?
A: They're both fun to ride, but you don't want your  friends to see you on
   either one.

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef.

Q: What do you call a cow that's playing with himself?
A: Beef strokenoff.

Q: What's old and wrinkled and smells like ginger?
A: Fred Astairs face.

Q: Why are there no gynecologists in Poland?
A: Because they don't know how to read lips.

Q: What's the definition of virginity?
A: A big issue over a little tissue.

Q: Why do little girls carry goldfish in their pockets?
A: To smell like big girls.

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with peanut butter?
A: A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

Q: What do you call a Jewish woman' waterbed?
A: The Dead Sea.

Q: What do you call a black man in Thailand?
A: A Tycoon.

Q: What's the hardest thing about AIDS?
A: Leaving your friends behind.

Q: Why do Italian men have mustaches?
A: So they can look like their mothers.

Q: What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A: A dry Martinez.

Q: What's brown and has holes in it?
A: Swiss shit.

Q: Why is Italy shaped like a boot?
A: Because they couldn't fit all that shit into a sneaker.

Q: What's the definition of a cad?
A: An Italian who doesn't tell his wife he's sterile until she's pregnant.

Q: Why do they play on artificial turf in Poland?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing.

Q: What do they call kids born in whorehouses?
A: Brothel sprouts.

Q: What's green and makes holes?
A: A drill pickle.

Q: Who won the race down the tunnel, the black or the pole?
A: The pole, because the black had to stop and write "Motherfucker" on the wall.

Q: How many Mexicans does it take to grease a car?
A: Just one if you hit him right.

547 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Whats the difference between MJ and Yassar Arrafat?
A: MJ can't get into 'Jordan' anymore!

Q: Why does Michael Jackson rub cheese into his d**k?
A. Cause kids will do anything for the taste of Dairy Lee.

Q: Whats Black and White and blows Bubbles??
A: MJ

Q: Whats the similarity between MJ and whiskey?
A: They both come in tots

Q: Did you hear that Woody Alan phoned up MJ and said,
   "If you give me 2 fives i'll give you a ten!!"

Q: Whats the difference between MJ and greyhound racing??
A: At least the Grey Hounds wait for the hairs (hares) to come out!!

Q: Whats MJ's favourite song?
A: I'm forever blowing bubbles.

Q: Whats the difference between MJ and M.Hesiltine?
A: MJ only f**ked 3 minors.

Q: Whats black and white and goes up and down in a pram?
A: You guessed it!!

Q: Whats the difference between MJ and Woody Alan?
A: Woody only did his own.

Q: Why was MJ's last ablum called BAD?
A: Coz he couldn't spell PATHETIC.

Q: What does MJ have after dinner?
A: Under 8's.

Q: Whats MJ's favourite drink?
A: Pepsi - Coz its the taste of the NEXT generation

Q: How many times does 12 go into 35?
A: I don't know - ask MJ!!

Q: Whats the similarity between MJ and C&A's?
A: They both have boys pants half off!!

Q: Did you hear that Macdonalds to produce a new burger called the
   MacJackson?
A: Its 35 year old meat placed between two 8 year old buns.

Q: What's the toughest stain to get out of a little boy's underwear?
A: Michael Jackson's makeup

Q.  Why does Michael shriek so loud when he grabs his crotch?
A.  He's got Macaughly Culkin down his trousers.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and jockeys have in common?
A: They both like to mount 3-year olds!

Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest indiscression?
A: He was found sitting on Pinnochio's face and making him tell lies.

Q: What's the title of Michael Jackson's new book?
A: The Ins and Outs of Child Rearing.

Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson was thinking about buying the Washington
   Redskins?
A: He heard they have a lot of tight ends and they suck!

Q: What's brown and often found in children's underpants??
A: MJ's hand.

548 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What did Tonya say to Nancy as they practiced on the same rink in
   Lillehammer?
A: "Break a leg!"

Q: Know the first symptom of AIDS?
A: A pounding sensation in the ass.....

549 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two drunks want to keep drinking but they don't have a dime left between
the two of them.  So one of them comes up with a plan.  He goes into a
meat store and buys the largest salami he can get.  He then stuffs the
salami down his pants and off they go drinking.

They go into a neighborhood bar and have several drinks. The bartender
knows them and he hits them with bill early in the night. As soon as they
get the check, one of the drunks drops to his knees, takes the salami out
of the other drunk's pants and starts sucking like mad. The bartender is
outraged and throws them out before they pay!

So they pull this stunt in about three or four more bars when the drunk
who has to drop to his knees and suck starts complaining:"Why do I have to
suck the salami all the time....My knees and lips are killing ME!"

The drunk with the salami in his pants retords:"What the hell are you
complaining about? I lost the salami after the first bar!"

550 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This man was having problems getting it up to have sex with his wife, so
he went to the doctor for advice.  The doctor told him the next time he
wanted to have sex, to stick his finger in his wife's pussy, and then
rub it under his nose, and the smell would cause his hormones to kick
in, and he would obtain an erection.

That night, he decided to make his move.  He turned out all the lights
and got into bed.  He put his finger in her pussy, and then rubbed it
under his nose.  He felt a tingling in his cock, and it began to
stiffen.  Amazed, he decided to see what would happen if he used two
fingers.  He stuck them in her pussy, then rubbed them both under his
nose, and his cock quickly jumped to 3/4 erect.  He decided to try 3
fingers, so he put them in her pussy, then rubbed them all around under
his nose.  Soon he was sporting the biggest hard on he could remember.

He said, "Honey, quick turn on the lights, and check this out!"

She turned on the lights, and with his dick standing tall, he proudly
asked, "What do you think???"

She looked at him and said, "Looks like the worst nose bleed I've ever
seen!!!"

551 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a Chinese kid?
A: A chink off the old block

552 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

After hours of surgery the patient wakes up from the anaesthesia and
sees the surgeon standing on his next to his bed.  Inquires the
doctor,"Well my friend, wellcome back to reality. How do you feel
today."  The patient replies "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!".  Finally
the doctor replies "Thats normal, we amputated your arms."

553 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What does a short sighted gynaecologist and a healthy dog have in common?
A. They both have wet noses!

554 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young Jewish boy has been having trouble with school. In fact, he has
just been kicked out of three private Jewish schools in a row. There being
no more Jewish schools in town, his parents decide to send him to catholic
school.

A month later, to his parent's surprise, he is still in school and hasn't
gotten in any trouble.

In another month, his midterm grades come home--and he has aced every
class!

His parents ask him, "What's so great about this catholic school? How come
you got thrown out of three good Jewish schools only to do well in this
christian one?"

"Well," the boy answers, "These catholics scare me. In the whole history of
the school, they've only admitted one other Jew."

"What of it?" His dad asks.
"H-he's nailed to the wall in the cafeteria."

555 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q:  How do you confuse a moron?
A1: put him in a round room and ask him to relax one corner.
A2: put him in a round room and tell him to piss in the corner

Did you know?
- John Bobbit is now the sales manager for Snap-On Tools.
- Lorena Bobbit is now the demo dolly for Ginsu knives.

556 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just had a friend die of testicular cancer at the age of 20.
I guess you could say it got him by the balls.

557 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you have when you have nuts on your wall?
A: Walnuts.

Q: What do you have when you have nuts on your chest?
A: Chesnuts.

Q: What do you have when you have nuts on your chin?
A: A dick in your mouth.

Q: What is better than a bolt on the wall?
A: A screw on the floor.

558 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little kid persists on sucking his thumb.  His father, tired of telling
his son to stop sucking his thumb, finally decides to make up a story to
convince his son to stop.  "You know, if you continue to suck your thumb
you are going to get really, really fat."  His son becomes paranoid.  He,
after that very minute, cannot even imagine sucking his thumb.

Then, a few days later he and his father are riding the train (public
transportation) and the son seed a pregnant woman a few seats away.  He
runs up to her and says in a 'na-na-na' voice, "I know what you've been
doing!!!"

559 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why have American women got Big tits and Tight Cracks????!!!
A: Because the American men have Big MOUTHS and Little DICKS!!!!

Q: Why did two drug addicts go to the bank?
A: Because they wanted to open a Joint Account!!!

560 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A farm boy said to his father, "Y'know, pop, I've just realized that an egg
is the unluckiest danged thing in all creation."
"And why is that?" asked the elder farmer.
" 'Cuz," replied the boy, "it only gets laid once, it only gets eaten
once, and it takes eleven minutes to get hard, it comes in a box with
eleven other guys, and the only one who ever sits on its face is its mom. . ."

561 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden?
A. A seizure salad.

562 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was
establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies
this year.  While taking the roll, she was told by one boy "My
name is Johnny Fuckhauer".  So she said "There'll be none of that
kind of thing this year, Johnny;  tell me your REAL name!".  The
kid said "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer.  You can go
across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't
believe me!"  Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing,
the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade
classroom door.  The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the
hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room
and directly asked the class "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?"

"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't
even get a cookie break!"

563 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What tax do you have to pay on heterosexual sex?
A: Holesale tax.

Q: What tax do you have to pay if you are having anal sex?
A: Retail tax.

Q: What tax do you have to pay on oral sex?
A: Income tax.

Q: How do you say the name Bobbit in Russian?
A: Cutacockofv

564 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

  A man went inot a tailors shop with a small boy on tow. "I wanna suit
  for littl er Luigi here with the bigga head."

  No sooner were the words out of his mouth when he slapped the boy
  smartly aroun d the head.

  "Anna then, I wanna some shirtsa for little Luigi with the bigga
  head."  Once again he smacked the child on the head.

  "Anna then,"slapping the kid again,"I wanna a coat for the little
  Luigi with th bigga head!"

  "Please! Sir!" Begged the shop assistant. "It's true the child does
  have a rather large head, but why do you keep hiting him like that?"

  "Well!" Said the man. "I married Maria, the most beautiful girl in the
  whole of Sicilia. She hadda the tightest little pussy in the whole of
  Italia! And the n," he slapped the child vigorously around the head,
  "alonga come little Luigi here wi th the bigga head!"

565 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    "female octopuses have their vagina on the nose. If the male tries
to copulate when she is not ready, the female will bite off one of his
eight penises and will run away with it."

    Well, I found this couple of sweeties in "The Encyclopaedia of
Unusual Sex Practices" (thak you very much, Jo, for posting the reference)

    "A new queen bee leaving the hive to start one of her own will be
followed by 200 males. While in flight one will mount her, copulate, fall
to the ground, and bleed to death. His severed penis now acts as a plug to
hold in the sperm which will fertilize 2 million eggs over the next five
years. The rest of the male bees return to their hive where, no longer
serving any purpose, they soon starve to death."
    "In a different type of ritual, the female bristle worm, after
watching a courtship dance, will bite off her partner's genitals, and
swallow the enclosed sperm. This fertilizes her eggs as the sperm passes
through her digestive tract."

566 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do New Zealanders root their sheep on the edge of cliffs?
A: So they push back harder.

Q: How do you know if a New Zealander's been cheating on his wife?
A: There's wool in his zipper.

567 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Heard about the guy working in the morgue??
Came into the staff room at morning tea and said to his mate
"Did you see the new blonde girl that came in last night!! - In drawer #6"
"She's got a prawn in her snatch!!"
His mate said "Don't be ridiculous!! - Lets have a look!!"
They went down to drawer #6 and opened it up.
His mate had a close look and said "That's not a prawn - its a clitoris!!"
He said "That's funny - it tastes like a prawn!!

568 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was three men on a building site:- a Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman.
The time had come for them to eat their lunches.  The Englishman opened his
lunch-box and found he had cheese and pickle sandwiches:

"If I get cheese and pickle tomorrow, I will go to the top of that new building
and jump off", he said angrily.
The Scotsman opened his lunch-box and found he had been given ham and tomato
sandwiches:
"If I get ham and tomato tomorrow I will jumping off the roof with you", he
said.
Then the Irishman opened his box and found egg sandwiches:
"Egg", he said in horror. "If I get egg tomorrow I will be joining the two of
you."
The next day the time came for the three men to eat their lunch. The Englishman
opening first, found to his horror cheese and pickle sandwiches.
"Cheese and pickle again, I do not believe it."
 As promised he went up to the roof and jumped to his death.  The Scotsman
opened his box and found to his dismay ham and tomato.
"Ham and tomato again, I do not believe it."
And similarly jumped from the roof to his death.
Then came the turn of the Irishman.  Opening his box he found egg sandwiches.
"Egg again, I do not believe it either."
Saying this, he ran up to the roof and jumped to his death.
The following week the building company had decided to have a joint funeral
service.  At the service the three men's wives got together.
"I do not understand it.  In all the years we were married he never said he
did not like cheese and pickle", said the Englishman's wife to the others.
"I do not understand it.  In all the years we were married he never said he
did not like ham and tomato", said the Scotsman's wife to the others.
Then the Irishman's wife butted in,
    "I DO NOT UNDERSTAND IT.  HE MADE HIS OWN SANDWICHES!"

569 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two nuns are driving in their car and stop at a red light. A man wearing
nothing but long coat walks up to the one on the left and flashes. The nun
says to her friend: "Ooh, disgusting. Doesn't he know we're nuns?" The man
walks over to the other side and flashes the other nun too. The first nun
says to her friend: "Ooh, disgusting! Doesn't he know we're nuns. Why don't
you show him your cross?" The second nun says "OK," turns down her window
and says to the man: " Fuck off. We're nuns."

570 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two nuns are walking down a dark ally when they are jumped by two men who
rip of their clothes and start raping the two sisters. The one nun starts
crying: "Stop! Please stop. You don't know what you're doing!" To which the
other nun replies: "Shut up. This one does."

571 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three nuns are walking down the street when a black man in a trench coat
flashes them.  The first nun had a stroke, the second nun had a stroke, the
third nun wouldn't touch it.

572 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two nuns are riding on a motorcycle.  The one in back says the the driver,
"Sister Mary Ellen, have you ever come this way before?"
The one in front replies: "No! It must be the cobblestones!"

573 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy walks into a whorehouse with only 5 bucks in his wallet.  He tells the
madam that he is really desperate and needs a woman badly.  The madam says
"No problem.  I can hook you up with a good one for 5 bucks." The guy is
thrilled.  So, he runs into the room and sees before him the most beautiful
girl he has ever seen in his life lying naked and spread on the bed.  He
doesn't waste a second, he just jumps on and starts pumping.  A few minutes
later, he notices that she doesn't seem really into it, so he opens his eyes
and sees a disgusting white ooze coming out of her ears.  He screams, jumps
up, pulls his pants up, and runs out of the room.  The madam sees him and
asks what's wrong.  After he tells her, she casually walks over to the
telephone, dials a few numbers and says, "Hey, Bob.  You better get up here,
I think the dead one's full."

574 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What kind of knife did Lorena Bobbitt use to cut off her husband's penis?
A: A de-boner!

575 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A 65 year old couple went to their doctor who asked, "What can I do for
you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong
with the way you make love", and he charged them $30.
The same thing happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make
an appointment, go into the office and have sex while the doctor
watched. Then they paid him and left.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find
out?"
The man replied, "We're not trying to find out anything. It's just that
she's married and I'm married, so we can't go to her place and we can't
go to my place. A motel room costs $50, so we do it here for $30, and I
get $25 back from my health insurance for a doctor's visit!"

576 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A sailor walks into a bar.  The bartender immediately notices that this
is a pretty well built guy but he has the tiniest little pinhead.
After serving the sailor a couple of drinks, curiousity finally gets
the best of the bartender and he asks the sailor why he had a normal
sized body with such a tiny head.

The sailor tells him this story:
"I was involved in a naval battle where I was the only survivor.  I was
stranded on a deserted island in the middle of the ocean for months,
when I happened across a mermaid while I was walking on the beach."

"Because I had seen her, she was obligated to grant me three wishes.  I
first asked to be rescued off that god forsaken island.  She told me
that it was no problem, that the rescue ship was on the way, and that I
still had two more wishes."

"Next I asked for a never ending roll of twenty dollar bills."  Then
the sailor reached into his pocket and kept pulling out 20s and putting
them on the bar.

"Finally I said to her, 'I've been on this island for quite some time
without a sexual outlet....'  The mermaid frowned and said she wasn't
equipped for intercourse with a human so I said,
'OK then, how about a little head?'"

577 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy is at the zoo one day watching elephants and another guy
comes by and starts a conversation.  The first guy says,
"I've just come from Africa, where I've been studying elephants
and I've learned nearly everything about them.  For instance, did you
know that elephants can't jump straight up in the air?"  "Baloney"
says the second guy.  "I'll bet you $5,000 I can make that elephant
over there jump straight up."  "Well," says the elephant expert,
"you're on."  So the second guy goes over behind the elephant,
grabs two big bricks, claps the elephant on the balls, and it
shoots 10 feet straight up into the air.  The first guy can't
believe it.  "I'm going to have to go back to Africa and study
some more," he says.  He writes the other fellow a check and
they go their separate ways.
A few years later the expert is back at the zoo, when the same
stranger happens by.  "Say, I remember you" the expert says.  "You
know, I've been back to Africa for 10 years studying elephants,
and I now know _everything_ about them."  "Is that a fact?" says
the second guy.  "Yes, and you know, I've learned that one thing
an elephant can't do, is nod its head sideways.  They can nod
them up and down, like they're saying yes, but not side to side,
like they're saying no."  "Ha!" says the stranger.  "I'll bet
you $10,000 I can get an elephant to nod its head side to side."
"Well this time you're going to lose" said the first guy, so
they shook hands and the stranger went over to the same elephant,
grabbed two bricks, but this time stood right in front of the
elephant.  He whispered in its ear, and the elephant nodded its
head yes.  He whispered again and the elephant shook its head
vigorously from side to side.  The expert was dismayed; "What
did you say to it? I can't believe this!"  The stranger said,
"I asked him if he remembered me, and he said yes.  Then I
asked him if he wanted me to do it again."

578 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a Russian with three balls?
A: Who'dyanicka Bollockoff!

Q: What do you call a Russian prostitute?
A: Onya Backyabitch!

Q: What is the difference between a jew and a canoe?
A: Canoes tip!!!

579 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A father walks into his son's room and startles him while the young
lad is looking at a Playboy magazine.  The son becomes really
embarassed and the father realizes this.  The father decides that he
could turn this around and give him that chat that he had been
holding off on.  He tells the boy to give him the magazine.  He then
open it up to the centerfold and procedes to draw a circle around
the vagina.  He tells his son, "Inside that circle is the vagina.
The man inserts his penis in there and release his sperm.  That will
fertilize the woman's egg and 9 months later, they have a baby."
The son has a puzzled look on his face and the father asks "Is there
something that you don't understand?"
The son replies, "Yes, where's the cunt?"
The father replies, "Why son, that's the area on the outside of the
circle!"

580 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I ran into a friend of mine I haven't seen in ten years.  His name
used to be Paul, but now her name is Paula. I got to asking her
about the procedure and such and this is how our conversation went:
"It was not too harmful to have your... hmm ... your previous sex...
say.. cut... ? "
"No, not too much, after all"
"And, maybe, it was very painful to have a new sex.. hmm.. installed?"
"No, you know, it was not that unbearable"
"But, you seem very tired, indeed, it must have been terrible"
"Yes, yes, there is a REALLY HARD stage, it's when they reduce the size
of the brain".

581 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you know if your wife is dead???
A: Sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up!!

582 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This guy gives Stevie Wonder a Cheese Grater for his birthday.
The next day, he asks Stevie if he liked it? Stevie's reply was
"It's the most violent novel I've ever read"

583 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A person suffering from severe depression goes to see a psychiatrist
to seek help.  After several sessions the psychiatrist concludes that
he can not help the man.  Eventually the doctor refers him to an
Optirectomy specialist.  The man visits the specialist and the doctor
concludes that the patient may, in fact, improve with an operation.

"So, exactly what is an optirectomy, doctor?"

"Well, it's an operation where I will go in and remove the nerve which
connects your anus to your eyeballs.  It should improve your shitty
outlook on life."

584 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A ventriloquist visits a farm and for a joke makes it appear that one
of the horses is talking. The farm hand rushes from the barn and says
to the farmer, "The animals are talking!! And if that sheep says
anything about me, she's a bloody liar!!"

585 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why can't baby ducks lay eggs?
A: 'cos they're quacks are too small.

586 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

HOW TO HANDLE STRESS

*  Jam tiny marshmellows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.

*  Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill.

*  Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

*  When someone says, "Have a nice day!", tell them you have other plans.

*  During your next meeting, sneeze, and then loudly suck the phlegm back down
   your throat.

*  Find out what a frog in a blender REALLY looks like.

*  Make a list of things you have already done.

*  Dance naked in front of your pets.

*  Put your toddlers clothes on backwards and send him off to preschool as if
   nothing was wrong.

*  Thumb through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.

*  Go shopping. Buy eveything. Sweat in them. Return them the next day.

*  Drive to work in reverse.

*  Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.

*  Start a nasty rumour and see if you recognise it when it gets back to you.

*  Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room.

*  Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the checkout counter and ask the
   cashier where the fitting rooms are.

587 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Then there was the plan to curtail methane production by monitoring cows,
who "pass" such pollution on a daily basis....

...only problem was finding a 'cattle-lytic convertor' small enough.

588 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was this old hermit that lived way out in the middle of the Sahara
desert, countless miles from anything of any signifigance.  He lived there
alone, without seeing another person, especially a woman, for more than 40
years.  The only company he had was his camel.  From time to time, in an
attempt to relieve the unbelievable tension that can be produced by such
a situation, he would try to make use of his camel in an unnatural way and
thus achieve satisfaction and relief.  Alas, whenever he would attempt
to become amorous with his camel the camel would move and the hermit would
be denied that most basic of pleasures.  The tension increased to unimaginble
heights.  One day, after recently being frustrated yet again, a very beautiful
young woman came driving along in her Land Rover.  By coincidence or perhaps
divine intervention the product of British automotive engineering chose to
break down right in front of the hermit's rude hovel.  The young woman was
distraught.  The hermit, upon hearing her cries of dismay, came rusing out
of his solitary dwelling of so many years.  The woman spied him and said:
    "Oh kind sir, if you could in any way possibly fix my Land Rover
     and get me back on my way I would be eternally grateful and would
     do anything, anything at all that I possibly could for you."
The hermit was not so stupid that he did not recognize the knock of
opportunity.  Providence was with him that morning, for he had been a Seargent
Major in the army during the war so long ago and had been the chief mechanic
at division motor pool.  What's more he still had his tools and even a few
spare parts for that very model land rover.  The hermit said:
    "I would be most delighted to come to your assistance in your time
     of need, Miss."
The hermit set to work upon the ailing engine, and made it look much more
difficult and time consuming than it actually was.  You know how the military
and mechanics can be.  In reality the only problem was a loose wire.  At any
rate after four or five hours the hermit announced he had finished and the Land
Rover was as good as new.  The young woman, greatly relieved, said:
    "Oh thank you so very much, how can I ever thank you?  Name it and
     it is yours"
The hermit thought, to himself,
    'At last, after all these years.  Wht a wonderful opportunity.'
And the hermit said
    "Missy, it has been so long for me, so long indeed.  Would you...
     would you...Would you hold my camel for me?"

589 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man needed to make a two week journey accross the deset, and needed a camel
on which to do it.  He went around to the various used camel dealers in the
bazaar checking the going camel prices.  The two week camels, that is those
that could go two weeks without water, were all going for around the equivalent
of two hundred dollars.  One week camels were much less expensive at around
75 dollars.  The man, being a thrifty sort, wondered if he could get by with
a one week camel.  He inquired ofone dealer if there was any way he could
get a one week camel to go two weeks.  The dealer replied:
    "Nope, not unless ya brick 'im"
The man was unfamiliar with whatever it was to 'brick a camel', and did not
wish to make his ignorance evident to the used camel dealer lest he be taken
advantage of.  The man moved on to another dealer, aksed the same question,
and recieved the same answer.  This happened whereever he went.  Finally
he could deal with this mystery no longer, and he asked one of the
dealers:
    "What is this bricking a camel stuff?"
The dealer replied:
    "Bricking a camel can be used to get a one week camel to go two weeks,
     but we generally don't reccomend it as the procedure can usually
     be used only once, greatly lowers the value of the camel, and should
     only be used in an extreme emergency.  What you do is when your one
     week camel is taking in his one week supply of water at the oasis,
     you pick up two bricks, sneak up behind the camel, and slam them
     togeather *WHAM* on his gonads."
    [purse lips together, make long, deep inhalation withsucking sound]

590 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for
HIV.  When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested
at their age, the old man said,

"Well, we heard on TV that a people should be tested after annual sex!"

591 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man joined the French Foreign Legion, went through basic training, and
recieved his posting to a remote fort in the desert.  He was joined there
by several more replacements.  The commander greeted them with a short speech
which he concluded with:
    "As you all know, we are quite a ways out here in the middle of
     nowhere.  There isn't a town, house, or even a solitary woman for
     50 miles all around.  However, we are fortunate in that we *DO*
     have a camel.  That is all."
Our new recruit thought:
    'I seriously doubt that I could ever get so hard up that I would even
     consider trying a camel'
The recruit contented himself to concentrate on his duties.  The days turned
to weeks and the weeks to months.  Slowly, imperceptably so, the tension
grew.  The camel began to seem ever so slightly more attractive.  One night,
after a particularly generous portion of grog, the tension mounted to
unprecedented heights.  Suddenly the camel looked like a viable alternative.
The recruit thought:
    'Well, maybe just this once."
After all but the sentrys had succombed to morpheus the recruit slipped into
the barn and into the camel.  The effect was dramatic.  He had never imagined
that anything could satisfy him so.  He was ecstatic.  After several sweat
soaked hours he retired to his barracks and got his first full night's sleep
in many months.
Several weeks passed.  The memory of that incredible night remained submerged
in his subconcious.  As the tension began once more to build, the memory
crept towards the surface.  The camel began to grow attractive once again.
Finally he could stand it no longer.  It really had been pretty good at
that, nothing had come of it , and he was no worse for the wear.  He
decided to renew his acquaintance with the camel.  This time it was even
better than before, and this night he got no sleep at all, servicing the
camel until dawn.  More weeks passed and the recruit's visits to the camel
became more and more frequent.  He even went so far as to request permenant
stable duty.
Months later, whilst choking a snake (taking a leak) one day, he noticed
some rather alarming changes in his favourite member.  It was splotched
black, blue, and green with something that looked like red and white stripes,
and yellow pustules.  His penduli were similary festooned.  It also hurt.
He immediatly went on sick call and rushed to the company surgeon.  The Doctor
examine the affected appendage for quite some time and finally said:
    "I've never seen anything like it"
At this moment, the commander, having been summoned by the surgeon, entered
the examination room, wearing obvious concern for his ailing man.  The doctor
and the commander conversed for a moment, and then began to question the
recruit.
Doctor:"Have you been doing anything lately with your tool besides pissing?"
Recruit:"No, nothing but that and availing myself of the camel."
Doctor:"What exactly do you mean?"
Recruit:"Like everyone else, I've been getting relief from the camel."
Commander:"What the hell you been doing that for, son?!"
Recruit:"Because you said when I got here sir, there are no women around here,
     but we do have a camel."
Commander:"You idiot.  We don't fuck the camel.  We *RIDE IT* to the
       whorehouse!"

592 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

                       THE SEX LIFE OF THE ELECTRON

                            by D.C. Current


   One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided
to seek a cute little coil to let him discharge.

   He picked up Millie-Amp and took her for a ride on his Megacycle.
They rode across the Wheatstone Bridge, around the sine waves and
stopped in the magnetic field by a flowing current.

   Micro-Farad, attracted by Millie-Amps characteristic curves, soon
had her fully charged and excited her resistance to a minimum.  He laid
her on the ground potential, raised her frequency and lowered her
reluctance.

   He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it in her socket
connecting them in parallel, and began short circuiting her resistance
shunt.  Fully excited, Millie-Amp mumbled, "OHM - OHM - OHM - OHM".

   With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with
his current flow, he caused her shunt to overheat and Micro-Farad was
rapidly discharged and drained of every electron.

   They fluxed all night, trying various connections and sockets,
until his magnet had a soft core and lost all of it's field strength.

   Afterwards, Millie-Amp tried self induction and damaged her
solenoids.  With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable
to excite his field, so they spent the rest of the night reversing
polarity and blowing each other's fuses.

593 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy and his girlfriend are making out in the backseat of his car.
"Put your finger in me, " she said.  He was all too happy to oblige.
"Put another finger in me," she said.
He did.
"Put your whole hand in me."
"Put both hands in me."
"Now clap"

"I can't," he said.

"Tight, huh?"

594 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two cannibals, wandering around in the desert for days without food, hungry
and desolate........all of a sudden, to their delight, they stumble upon
a dead human carcass, pristine from any scavenger....so the two cannibals
sink their teeth into the dead human flesh, tearing the shit out if the
meat, on starting from the head and one from the toes.......after a few
minutes of chewing, the guy at the head yells to the cannibal at the bottom,
"hey, how is it going down there?".....the cannibal at the bottom goes....
"this is totally awesome, I am having a fucking ball.......!!!"....
the guy at the top goes...."hey, asshole, you're eating too damn fast..."

595 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two ladies go golfing....all of a sudden one of them requests a doctor,
because she has been stung by some wasp or something and feels great pain...
she goes.."doctor, doctor, I 've been stung by a bee, while playing golf,
between the first and the second hole....""
The doctor examines her closely and retorts.."I can tell you this much, your stance is too wide.."

596 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a coma.  When she
wakes up, she sees she's no longer pregnant, and she asks the doctor
about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you've had twins! a boy and a
girl.  Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"
She asks him, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise"
"Wow, that's a great name.  What's the boy's"

"Denephew"

597 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Have you heard that Michael Jackson has taken the final step in becoming a
   white man?
A: He has cut off 4inches of his dick.

598 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man wqas wheeled into the emergency room with a huge bright
red swollen cock.
The amazed doctor yelled," Jesus! what happened nurse?"

"He mixed up my instructions doc, I told him to prick his boil."

599 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Decent guy dies and goes to heaven. At the gates St. Peter
says:-
    "When you get up you'll get wings, and if you think
any badthoughts they'll fall off"

When he gets up he finds out that all the girl are naked.
As he was walking with Saint Peter a shocker of a girl
sways by. He just couldn't help it; his wings fell off.

    "You fool" St P says,"you were warned. Pick up your
wings."

He bends to pick up his wings and Saint Peter's Wings fall off.

600 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q:  Why did Mickey divorce Minnie?
A:  She was fucking goofy.

601 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last year, I was studying for my exams in the university library, I saw this
racist statement on a study desk.

"Fuck you, bloody asians, get the fucked out of this country,
                                Signed by an Aussie."

directly below it, it read,

"Fuck you, bloody white shitheads, get the fuck out of my country,
                                Signed by an Aboriginese".

602 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bob Hawke walked into a resthome on a sunny afternoon to visit with
the folks there.  He walked up to an elderly lady in a wheelchair and
said "good afternoon mam, do you know who I am?"

She looked up to him, smiled and said, "no, but if you go to the front
desk they'll be able to tell you."

603 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

"My mom's Irish and my dad's Filippino. I get drunk and eat my dog."

604 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What would men do if women were to become extinct??
A: We would domesticate another animal

605 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

        An Indian chief is aimlessly wandering around a drug store.  The
pharmacist notices his confusion and asks "May I help you with something
today?"  The chief replied "Uh, me gotta problem.  Too many squaw...too
many papoose!"  "I have just the thing you need", said the pharmacist as he
handed his customer a pack of Trojans.  "Uh, OK, me gives this a try."
            A few days later, the pharmacist sees his Indian friend again, and asks
"How did the condoms work?" The chief replied, "Uh, condom no good.  Left
nut uuuhhhh, right nut uuuhhhh, condom BOOM!"  "Hmm, let's hook you up with
some extra strength ribbed reinforced condoms.  That should do the trick."
"Uh, OK, me gives this a try."
            A few days later, the chief returns.  He goes up to the counter and
complains," Extra-strength condom no good.  Left nut uuuhhhh, right nut
uuuhhhh, condom BOOM!"  Getting really irritated, the druggist goes into
the alleyway behind the store, finds a bicycle, cuts off a section of the
innertube, ties a knot in the end, and says to the chief, "Here, this
should take care of the problem!!" "Uh, OK, me gives this a try."
    A few days later, the chief limps into the drug store.  "What
happened?!!!", shrieked the pharmacist.  "Uh, condom good!!  Left nut
uuuhhhh, right nut uuuhhhh, condom UUUUUUUHHHHHHHH, both nuts
BOOOOOOOOOOM!"

606 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are these three guys, an American, an Aussie and an Irishman.  They
decide that they are going to go out on a night on the town.  They go to a
few places and then they decide that they will go to a massage parlour type
thing.
        The American says that he will give it a go first.  In he
goes and half an hour later he comes out with a huge smile on his face.  Of
course they question him on what actually happened.  He said "well she put a
pineapple ring on my family jewels and then she took it all off with her
mouth it was wonderful.

    The Aussie says "Alright I have to give this a go".  In he goes same
thing happens he walks out with an even bigger smile.  They ask what
happened.  He say "She put a pineapple ring on then added some cream and
took it all off with her mouth".  It was the best thing I have evr
experienced.

    The Irishman quite confused with these going ons says "Ok I'll give
it a go".  Half an hour later he comes out  but there is no smile on his
face so they ask "What happened why aren't you smiling".  The Irishman
looked dispondently and said "Well she put a pineapple ring on my manhood
then she added cream and finally put a cherry on top and it looked so good I
ate it all myself".

607 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Officer Chen, that guy kicked me right in the crotch!"
"Big deal, lady.  So you got a fat lip."

608 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Mexican goes into a bar and starts hitting on a pretty Korean girl.
(Yes I know there aren't any, but this is the way I heard the joke)
A big Korean guy (same as above) comes over and says,
"Hey, Beaner, quit messin with my woman or I'm gonna kick your ass"

"Oh yea?" replies the Mexican, "You don't look so tough to me"
"Yea" says the Korean, "But I know judo."

"That's nuthin" laughs the Mexican, "I know Mexican judo."
"What the fuck you talkin about you Chico, their ain't no such thing as
Mexican judo!" yells the Korean.

"I wouldn't be so sure about that" smiles the Mexican.

"Judo no if I gotta gun, and judo no if I gotta knife."

609 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: how can you fool men into thinking that you are a virgin?
A: tie your cunt hair together in a knot just over your pussy.

Q: What is the difference between a nigger and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.

610 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The professor in a sociology class begins a discussion by
asking the question "how many ways are there to do it?", and asks
for opinions.  Immediately a bitch in the back row jumps up and
yells "seventy eight!".  The prof tells her to wait her turn, and
asks some dork who raised his hand.  "I have tried seven ways, and
I just can't imagine any more, so I think that's the answer", says
the dork.
    "Any other opinions?", says the prof.  The bimbo in back
yells "seventy eight!".  He again asks her to shut the fuck up and
raise her hand if she wants to speak.  Next, a guy with a purple
shirt and a lisp says he thinks there is only one.  It turns out
that he is talking not about sex at all, but a form of masturbation
using his buddy's asshole.  "Any other opinions?", asks the prof,
after he stops retching about this disgusting little pervert.
"Seventy eight!", yells the stupid cunt in the back.
Next the prof calls on a cute, shy little chick in the front row.
She sweetly says "Sir, there is only one way.  The girl get down on
her back, and the guy gets on top....."       "SEVENTY NINE!!"

611 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The list of the thinniest books in the world.

1. Ethiopian/Somalian Cookbook
2. Bosnian Philosophy
3. Montenegrin textbook "Do it yourself"
4. Albanian phone book
5. Book describing Italian bravery
6. The list of the Swedish virgin girls

612 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Rush to the outhouse", by Willie Makit, edited by Betty Dont
"Under the Grandstand", by Seymour Butts
"The Accident" by Doris Locked

613 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The story goes of an English Lord who was known about as quite a
sportsman. The Lord was well off, large deeds of land and financially fit.
Although he was getting along in years, her ladyship was still young due to
a recent marriage.
    His Lordship was always out engaging in some sporting activity such
as the horses or hunting. He was well known as a skeet shooter but prefered
using a black powder musket when out shooting birds on his lands.
    One day after a good days hunt, he returned to the manor earlier
than usual to find his manservant Jeeves wringing his hands in a very
agitated manner.
    "My Lord" said Jeeves, "Her Ladyship is upstairs in my Lords bed
with a varlet engaged in a very compromising position."
    "Quickly Jeeves" said his Lordship, "fetch my trusty musket."
    Jeeves gathered the musket, shot, and powder and followed the Lord
upstairs. The Lord loaded the musket and then quietly tiptoed down the
hallway to the door of the bedroom with Jeeves right behind. Pushing the
door open quietly he took aim. The musket muzzle went up and down, up and
down, when BAMM, the gun fired.
    As the smoke was clearing Jeeves was heard to say "My Lord, you
are ever the sportsman. I do believe you caught him on the rise."

614 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you tell an oral thermometer from a rectal thermometer?
A: By the taste.

615 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

                   ALCOHOL USERS' TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
                   ------------------------------------

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|  SYMPTOM          |        FAULT         |        ACTION TO BE TAKEN        |
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Drink fails to      | Mouth not open       | Buy another pint and practice in
give satisfaction   | while drinking OR    | front of mirror. Continue with as
and taste. Shirt    | glass being applied  | many pints as necessary until
front is wet.       | to wrong part of     | drinking technique is perfect.
                    | face.                |
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Drinking gives no   | Glass is empty.      |  Find someone who will buy you
satisfaction and    |                      |  another pint.
taste. Glass is     |                      |
unusually pale and  |                      |
clear.              |                      |
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Feet wet and cold   | Glass is empty.      | Turn glass the other way up, so
                    |                      | that the open end is pointing at
                    |                      | the ceiling.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Feet warm and wet   | Incorrect bladder    | Go and stand next to nearest dog,
                    | control.             | after a while, complain to dog's
                    |                      | owner about the lack of house
                    |                      | training. Demand a pint as
                    |                      | compensation.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bar blurred         | You are looking      | Find someone who will buy you
                    | through the bottom   | another pint.
                    | of an empty glass.   |
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bar Swaying         | Air turbulence is    | Insert broom handle down back of
                    | unusually high. May  | jacket.
                    | be due to darts      |
                    | match.               |
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bar Moving          | You are being        | Find out if you are being taken to
                    | carried out.         | another pub,if you're not,complain
                    |                      | loudly that you're being hijacked
                    |                      | by the salvation army.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You notice the      | You have fallen     | If your glass is full and no one is
wall oposite is     | over backwards.     | standing on your drinking arm then
covered with        |                     | stay put.
ceiling  tiles and  |                     |
strip lights.       |                     |
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everything has      | You have fallen      | As for falling backwards.
gone dim, and you   | over forwards.       |
have a mouthful of  |                      |
broken teeth and    |                      |
dog ends.           |                      |
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everthing has       | The bar is closing.  | PANIC !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
gone dark.          |                      |
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You wake up to      | You have spent the   | Check your watch to see if it is
find your bed cold  | night in the gutter. | opening time - if not then treat
hard and wet. You   |                      | yourself to a lie-in.
can't see your      |                      |
bedroom walls or    |                      |
ceiling.            |                      |
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

616 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

  The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first
  visit home since starting college. "Mom, I have to tell you," the girl
  confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."
     "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or
  later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
     "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight guys felt
  great, but after them my pussy got real sore."


617 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

  "Adam," the heavenly voice called to the Garden of Eden,
    "what did you and Eve do today?"
     "We ate some fruit, Lord," Adam said reverently.
     "Did you eat of the forbidden tree?" asked God.
     "Yes, Lord, we did," Adam confessed.
   "And then what did you do?" God asked.
   "We made mad, passionate love all afternoon."
   "Where is Eve now?" the Lord bellowed.
   "She's down at the brook washing herself out."
   "Oh, no," the Lord moaned." Now all the fish are going to smell like that!"

618 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How does a Mexican know when it's time to eat again?
A: His asshole stops burning.

619 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two guys wandered into a bar. One of the men shouted to the barkeeper,"Hiya,
Mike. Set 'em up for me and my pal here." Then he turned to his slightly dim
partner and boasted, "This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the
house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back are free!"
   "That's not so great,"responded the friend. "There's a bar across town
That'll match you drink for drink, and you can get laid in the back for free."
   "Where is this place?" the first guy exclaimed.
   "Oh, I don't know," the dim fellow replied, "but my wife goes there all the
time."

620 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Israeli was sitting between two Arabs on a long airplane flight. He had just
removed his shoes and gotten comfortable when one of the Arabs nudged him and
said,"Hey, Jew, go get us some orange juice." To avoid any trouble, the Israeli
did so. When he left, both Arabs spit in his shoes.
   The Israeli came back with the juice, which the Arabs gulped down. The rest
of the flight was uneventful. The plane landed, and the Israeli put on his
shoes and felt the squishing inside. He turned to the Arabs and said,"If there
is ever going to be peace in the Middle East, the Arabs will have to stop
spitting in the shoes of Jews, and the Jews will have to stop pissing in the
Arabs' orange juice."

621 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three doctors were talking about the amazing things being done in medicine. The
first said,"Six weeks ago a man came in after losing a hand in an accident just
as a car crash victim was brought in dead on arrival. I took a hand from the
dead man and sewed it on the worker's stump, and today he's out looking for a
job."
   The second physician said,"That's not so amazing. Six months ago I gave a
blind man a pair of dead man's eyes, and today he's out looking for a job."
   The third doctor said,"Neither of those cases tops this one. A year and a
half ago we took an asshole out of California, put it in the White House, and
today everybody is out looking for a job."

622 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a
scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The
attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the
light,slurring "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it between his
fingers,adding,"But it feels like rubber."
   Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?"
   The drunk stammered,"Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels
like rubber."
   The lawyer said,"Let me take a look." And the drunk handed it over. The
attorney rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely.
"Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it
is. Where did you get it anyway?"
   The drunk replied, "Outa my nose."

623 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly
illuminated. "Who turned on the fucking lights?" a male passenger, who had been
surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess.
   The girl had had enough of this particular character."These are the
breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced sweetness. "The fucking lights
are much dimmer, and you snored right through them."

624 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Brace yourself, Mr. Cassidy," the physician told the patient on whom he had
performed a battery of costly tests. "You have approximately six months to
live."
   "But I don't have insurance, doctor," said Cassidy, "and I can't skimp and
save enough to pay you in that time!"
    "All right, all right," soothed the medical man. "Let's say nine months,
then."

625 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three women - a German, a Jew and a Polack - all gave birth to seven-pound baby
boys at the same time. The nurses got the babies mixed up somehow and couldn't
tell which baby belonged to which mother. After an hour of mass confusion the
father of the German baby decided he'd settle the problem. He walked into the
nursery and lined up the three infants in a row. He clicked his heels, raised
his arm and shouted, "Heil Hitler!" The German baby snapped to attention, the
Jewish baby shit, and the Polack baby played in it.

626 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Even though a fellow was late for his flight, he dashed into the airport men's
room, pissed,and quickly headed for the door. At one of the sinks a Marine
sergeant was washing his hands. The Leatherneck called to the man, "Hey, buddy,
in the Marine Corps they teach us to wash our hands after going to the
bathroom."
   The fellow stepped back into the men's room and looked at the Marine. "Well,
I was in the Navy, Sarge, and they taught us not to piss on our hands!"

627 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend
stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp. "I just bought this ape
as a pet. We have no children; so he's going to live with us - just like one of
the family. He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the same
bed with me and my wife."
   "But what about the smell?" the friend asked.
   "Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did."

628 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best friend asked
him how it went. "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said."The second
night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six times.
The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the last night,
nothing!"
   "Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?"
   "Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"

629 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half
empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his
newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to
the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
   "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too
much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
   "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
   The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?"
   "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

630 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom. "Suzy wants to go out
to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll
goof up!"
  "Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her.
Chicks love to be complemented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."
  About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye. "Shit,
man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.
  "I took your advice."
  "Didn't you compliment her?"
  "sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such
full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started
feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were
firm. She like that too."
  "It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.
  "Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her
dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment."
  "What did you say?"
  "For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."

631 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He
could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned
craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist
shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
  "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
  "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About
halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
  "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
  "The sharks got 'em."

632 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how hard
it was to get any sleep. "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by
a drunk chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
   "That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
   "At five o'clock I finally unlocked the door and let her out," the gambler
laughed.

633 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal.
"Your wife makes a delicious roast,"one chief said.
  "Thanks," his friend said."I'm gonna miss her."

634 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the fact
that the fellow was too intensitive and ego-ridden to realize it. The moment of
truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and whispered,
"Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine inches?"
   There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said, "You know, I really
don't think you could get it up three times in a row!"

635 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

After a wild freeway chase, the motorcycle cop waved the speeding sports car
over to the curb. When he walked up to the drivers window, he was surprised to
find a very attractive redhead behind the wheel. "Ma'am," he said ."I'm afraid
we're going to have to give you a Breathalyzer test to see whether or not
you've been drinking."
   The test was taken and as the officer eyed the results, he said, "Lady,
you've had a couple of stiff ones."
   "That's amazing!"the girl cried."You mean it shows that,too!"

636 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as they
were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before
we go any further, Charmaine, tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I
should take into account in bed?"
   "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish -
but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."

637 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a
divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."
   "What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge in
unusual sex practices?"
   "No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer."

638 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on
their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in
bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."
   Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and
climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of
a smile."
   "Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
   "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to
please pass the pussy."

639 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo.
They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and
the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.
   "That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why
don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"
   At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off
her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up
and down.
   "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your
clothes and we'll see what he does."
   Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went
bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and
tossed his food all over the cage.
   The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.
"Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a headache!"

640 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Marge was getting pretty upset about her husband's lack of attention and
decided to come on a little stronger to him. After dinner, she put on her sexy,
backless nightgown backward and sauntered into the living room.
   "Notice anything?" she asked slyly.
   "Yes, you've got your nightgown on backward," her husband answered simply.
   "How could you tell?" she cooed.
   "Because the shit stains are in the front," he said.

641 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's dangerous & eats nuts?
A: Syphilis.

642 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Mexico?
A: Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.

643 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The local drunk saw
this and asked, "Say there, whatcha doin' with that pig?"
   "That's not a pig, stupid!" she said coldly."That's a duck."
   "I know," replied the drunk. "I was talking to the duck."

644 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you know that computer sales persons are so full of shit that if they had
an enema they could be buried in a shoe box!

645 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three guys - a Frenchman, a German and a Polack, were sitting in a bar. In
walked a mean looking black guy looking for a fight. He sat down, ordered a
beer, took a drink, went over and slapped the Frenchman and said, "I like
fucking white women."
   The Frenchman looked at him and thought,"Well,that's great."
   Then the big black guy went over to the German, hit him on the shoulder and
said, "I like fucking white women." The German looked at him and said, "Good
for you."
   The black guy sat down and took another drink of his beer. He got up, walked
over to the Polack and belted him on the back, then said, "I like fucking white
women." The Polack sat and thought for a second and finally said, "I don't
blame you. I don't like fucking those black ones either."

646 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When she
undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.
   The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down
there."
   The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"

647 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of
her cat.
   As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy."
   The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with
my wife. You two have alot in common."

648 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A foxy young lady was having trouble keeping boyfriends after the first date,
so she decided to go to a doctor to find out what the problem was. The doctor
asked her to take off her clothes and lie on the examining table. He checked
her pussy and, finding nothing wrong, asked her to roll over and spread her
ass. After checking her asshole and again finding nothing wrong, he told her to
sit up so he could examine her mouth.
   Upon looking into her mouth he exclaimed, "You've got the worst case of
Zacklies I've ever seen!"
   "Zacklies?" she said, puzzled. "What's that?"
   "Your mouth smells zackly like your ass!"

649 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A drunk was trying to make time with a pretty girl at a cocktail party, but she
wasn't having any part of him... especially the part he had in mind. After a
while, to show his contempt for her, he inquired loudly, "Tell me, dear, what
happens when whores get pregnant?"
   Amused, she answered, "Don't tell me you still think your mother found you
under a cabbage leaf!"

650 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two men were walking in the park when they came upon this dog that had bent
itself into a weird position and was licking its balls. One man said, "Gee! I
wish I could do that."
   The other man replied, "I think you better get to be friends first."

651 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a
king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?"
   "As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the
wife.
   "Piss on him," answered the husband.
   "You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."
   "Well, fuck him," said the husband.
   "I did, and you go back to work in the morning."

652 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Upon answering the door to her whorehouse, the madam was surprised to see an
amputee.
   "Look at yourself," the madam said, "no arms, no legs, what could you
possibly do?"
   The amputee replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

653 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Did you hear about the new daredevil, Ku Klux Knievel?
A: He's going to try to jump over 50 blacks with a steamroller!

654 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This fellow was screwing his best friend's wife when he suddenly stopped and
sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands.
   "What the hell has happened to you?" the lady asked.
   "I feel like a regular son of a bitch, getting my best friends pussy," the
man moaned.
   The lady reached over and patted him on the back. "Well, if that's all it
is, you can stop worrying," she said. "You're not getting his pussy. His pussy
is five to six inches deeper."

655 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in
the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife
asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He
tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He
called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried
and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their
daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
   The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the
father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew
out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The mother said to the
young man, "That was wonderful. You should be a doctor!"    The ungrateful
father jumped up, twisted the boy's arm behind his back and yelled, "Doctor, my
ass! He's going to be our son-in-law. Smell his fingers!"

656 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover
a female cat being raped by a mouse. fascinated by what he saw, the man gained
the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse
repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very
excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and
woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and
covered her head with the blanket.
   "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about
this."
   "Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"

657 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three men of the cloth - a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister and a Rabbi -
were counting collections taken during services for the week. They were trying
to come up with an equitable way to divide the money between God (the two
churches and one synagogue) and themselves (the clerics' weekly income).
   The priest was the first to speak: "I know what! I'll draw a line down the
middle of the sanctuary, toss the money up in the air, and whatever falls on
the right side of the line is for God and whatever falls on the left side is
for us."
   The Baptist minister cried, "No! No! No! I'll draw a circle in the middle of
the sanctuary, toss the money up in the air, and whatever falls inside the
circle is for God and whatever falls outside the circle is for us."
   The Rabbi then asked the two other men to accompany him outside. There he
offered this suggestion: "What I would do with the money is this: Toss it up in
the air, and whatever God catches is His and whatever falls on the ground is
ours."

658 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Polacks purchased a bird dog. They took the dog out to give it a try. After
a long while one Polack said to the other, "Well, we'll throw him up in the air
one more time. If he doesn't fly, we'll shoot the son of a bitch!"

659 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

During a big fire downtown the firemen were having a bit of trouble. A woman
was stuck on the fourth floor with her baby. The fire fighters instructed her
to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the
mother refused.
   Things looked grim until a tall, well-built black man burst through the
crowd and shouted to the women. He said that he was a professional football
player and that he could catch the baby safely. After a few minutes more of
reassurances by the man, the mother finally let the child drop.
   The football player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody cheered. At
that moment the man suddenly raised the child high in the air, spiked it on the
ground and screamed, "Touchdown!"

660 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the
receptionist asked "Yes sir,may we help you?"
   "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
   The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded office and say things like that."
   "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
   "We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and
come back in and say that there's something wrong with your ear or whatever."
   The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist
smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
   "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
   The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
   "I can't piss out of it." the man replied.

661 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tired of the boring "straights" she'd been laying, a chick decided she'd find
out if bikers were really the heavy "cocksmen" that she heard they were. So she
picked up a gigantic bro and went went with him up to his pad. Stripped and
ready, anxiously awaiting some real action, she was astonished to see that his
fully erect crank was only two inches long.
   "Who," she demanded scornfully,"do you think you're gonna satisfy with
that?"
   Grinning confidently, the bro replied,"Me!"

662 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The common symptoms of swine flu are: High fever, upset stomach, occasional
cramps and an irresistable urge to fuck in the mud.

663 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you kill an Aggie?
A: Sneak up on him while he's getting a drink of water, then slam the
   toilet seat on his head.

664 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

At a football game two Texans were seated behind two nuns. One Texan said to
his friend, "I can't wait to get back to Dallas. There are only ten Catholics
there."
   His buddy replied, "I can't wait to get back to Houston. There are only five
Catholics there."
   Finally, one of the nuns commented, "You both should go to hell! There
aren't any Catholics there!"

665 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day a farmer caught a traveling salesman making love to his youngest
daughter. Yelling "You son of a bitch!" he shot the amorous salesman in the
groin with a .12-gauge shotgun.
   The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a doctor. He found
one, but the physician took one look at the man's perforated pecker and told
him that nothing could be done for him.
   "Oh, please do something," begged the salesman. "I'm a rich man and can pay
you anything."
   "Sorry, son," said the doctor. "There's nothing I can do. However, there's a
man across the street who might be able to help."
   "Oh? Is he a specialist?" asked the salesman.
   "No," said the doctor, "he's a piccolo player. He'll teach you how to hold
it without pissing in your face."

666 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a fellow who had never been to bed with a woman, so two of his
friends decided to play a trick on him. They bought an inflatable love doll and
put it into his bed. Then called him at work and told him the girl of his
dreams was home in bed and ready for anything.
   The next day his friends asked him how things had gone. "Very strange," he
replied. "I slipped out of my clothes and got in beside her. She was cold, so I
tried to warm her up. Then I bit her on the neck, but she just farted a few
times and flew out the window!"

667 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A conductor, while taking tickets on the train, noticed a lady with a small and
extremely ugly baby on her lap. "Lady," the conductor said, "that is by far the
ugliest baby I have ever seen."
   The woman, horrified by the conductor's comment, began screaming at him, and
demanded that her money be refunded and the conductor be fired.
   The head conductor then came into the car and tried to smooth things over.
"Listen, lady," he said, "if you will forget all about this matter, I'll see
that you get the best treatment possible, I'll give you your money back, and
I'll even try to find you a nice, ripe banana for that monkey of yours."

668 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three elderly women, recently transplanted from the Northeast to a Florida
retirement community, were getting acquainted at poolside. Inevitably, their
conversation turned to children.
   "My son is the most successful doctor on Park Avenue," announced one.
   Not to be outdone, the second remarked, "My son is the most successful
lawyer on Wall Street."
   The third remained conspicuously silent. Sensing easier game, the first
matron inquired, "And you, dear, do you have a son?"
   "And is he a professional?" demanded the second.
   "Well, not exactly," answered the third. "Actually, he's a plumber. And not
only that, he's gay."
   Beaming, one of the poor woman's interrogators offered consolation: "Ah,
he's not doing so well."
   This time it was the third woman who smiled. "He's not doing too badly," she
explained. "He goes out with the most successful doctor on Park Avenue and the
most successful lawyer on Wall Street."

669 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in an old Western town when
he noticed a curious lack of women.
   Walking into the local saloon he asked a cocky shitkicker, "What do you
fellas do around here for entertainment?"
   "Ya mean women?" asked the shitkicker. "We ain't got none. 'Round here folks
fuck sheep."
   "That's disgusting," cried the correspondent, "I've never heard of such
moral degredation."
   However, after a few months, the correspondent's rocks were beginning to
ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive.
   So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to
his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of
champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up
frustrations.
   Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As
the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and
the anxious couple became the object of many stares.
   "You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've been fucking
sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I'm some sort of
crazy pervert!"
   One cowboy in the back of the crowd spoke up, "Yeah, but that's the
sheriff's gal!"

670 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the computer salesman with two red ears who went to the
doctors office? The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears.
   "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang," answered the salesman. "But
instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
   "Damn," the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But then, what happened to your
other ear?"
   The salesman replied, "Whoever it was called back."

671 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A grungy old lumberjack, in town for the first time in weeks, went to the local
brothel and demanded the roughest, toughest and meanest girl in the house.
"That'll be Mary," said the madam. "Go to Room Four, and I'll send her up."
   "Fine,"said the lumberjack,"and tell her to bring a couple of beers."
   In due time, Mary appeared. She put the two bottles of beer on the floor,
took off her negligee, positioned herself on her hands and knees and pointed to
her pussy.
   "No! No!" exclaimed the lumberjack. "In the bed, the old-fashioned way!"
   "Sure,pal," grunted Mary, "but I thought ya might want to open them beers
first."

672 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman goes to the doctor, complaining about carpet burns on her knees.
The doctor asks "How did you get those terrible abrasions?"
"It was during doggie-sex" said the woman.
"So why don't you do it in the missionary position then?" asked the doctor.
She replied "I tried that, but the dog has *awfull* breath."

673 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes home one day and as he passes his daughter's bedroom door,
he hears a strange sound. Bruuur...bruuur...wheeeezz...etc. He opens the door
only to find his daughter clutching a vibrator. "What are you doing with
that?" asks the old man. "I'm 40 years old, single and past having a chance
of hooking as husband, so this is the next best thing" replied his daughter.
With that, thw old man closes the door & leaves her to it.

The next day the daughter comes home from work and on passing the living
room, hears a strange noise. Bruuur...bruuur...etc. She opens the door, only
to find the old man clutching a pint in one hand and clutching her vibrator
in the other! "What do you think you're doing?" she asked her father.

...."I'm having a drink with my son in law."

674 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

        A More Complete List of Pickup Lines
        ------------------------------------

  1. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
  2. Do you want to see something swell?
  3. Hey babe...do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
  4. Drop 'em!
  5. What do you like for breakfast?
  6. Excuse me.  Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?
  7. Wanna fuck like bunnies?
  8. Say, did we go to different schools together?
  9. Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the
      first thing that pops up?
 10. I had a friend who use to hand out phone cards that said:
      "Smile is you want to sleep with me."
      And watch them try to hold back their laugh.
 11. Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?
 12. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
 13. Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?
 14. Hey baby, let's go make some babies.
 15. At the office copy machine.  "Reproducing eh?"  "Can I help?"
 16. Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
 17. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!
 18. Hey babe...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?
 19. Hey babe...can you suck start a Harley?
 20. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over.
      When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you
      would cum."
 21. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck?
      HEY!  What's wrong, don't you like pizza?
 22. A women asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?"
      You: "Do you have the energy?"
 23. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?
 24. Say mother, want another? (if she has kids)
 25. Bond. James Bond.
 26. Hello love, do you spit or swallow?
 27. You look like the type of girl that has heard ever line in the book.
      So what's one more?
 28. Your place or mine?
 29. Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
 30. You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my nightstand.
 31. Would you like to have morning coffee with me?
 32. Your face or MINE!?
 33. "Are you ready to go home yet?"
 34. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
 35. When she asks, for a match.
      How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?
 36. Nice tits.  Mind if I feel them?
 37. I love you.  I want to marry you.  Now fuck my brains out.
 38. Forget that!  Playing doctor is for kids!  Let's play gynecologist.
 39. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much your weight.
 40. I wanna floss with your pubic hair.
 41. I'm on fire.  Can I run through your sprinkler?
 42. I'd look good on you.
 43. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?
 44. I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else.
 45. I would kill or die to make love to you.
 46. Sex is a killer...want to die happy?
 47. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
 48. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
 49. HI! Can I buy you a car?
 50. NOW, BITCH!
 51. Fancy a fuck?
 52. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.
 53. Should I call you in the morning or nug you?
 54. I'm new in town.  Could you give me directions to your apartment?
 55. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?
 56. I'm Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?
 57. Chicks dig me;  I wear colored underwear.
 58. Excuse me, is it true that you're a sexual tyrannosaurus?
 59. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
 60. Was your father a thief?  'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky
      and put them in your eyes.
 61. Look at the tag in her shirt and say:
      "I want to see if you were really made in heaven."
 62. Let's do breakfast tomorrow--should I call you or nudge you?
 63. You know what I like about you?  My arms.
 64. I think you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen... On a Wednesday.
 65. Excuse me, why is your drink glowing?
 66. How did you achieve such a gaudy effect with only FDA-approved cosmetics?
 67. You're ugly, but you interest me.
 68. Screw me if I am wrong but you want to fuck me don't you?
 69. Do you believe in one-night-stands?
 70. With one touch, I could make you make sounds that only a dog could hear.
 71. If I said you have an ugly body, would you hold it against me?
 72. If I gave you a neglige for my birthday, would there be anything in it
      for me?
 73. If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.
 74. I'm leaving this place... want to cum?
 75. I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line?
     And are you dissapointed?
 76. Why you've got the whitest teeth I'd ever want to cum across!
 77. Who's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
 78. Ok, fuck me if I'm wrong, but I think you want to kiss me.
 79. I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk.
 80. Free mamograms, get your free mamograms here, get 'em while they're hot!
 81. Do you have a quarter?  Too bad, becuase I need to call my mother and
      tell her that I found the woman of my dreams.
 82. Do you have a map? I just get lost in your eyes.
 83. That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
 84. Did you clean your pants with Windex?  I can practically see myself
      in them.
 85. Are you religious?  Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers.
 86. Do you have a boyfriend?  Well, when you want a MANfriend, come and
      talk to me.
 87. Did it hurt? Woman:  Did what hurt?  When you fell out of heaven?
 88. Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you with your
      clothes on?
 89. You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink?
 90. I am conducting a feel test of how many woman have pierced nipples?
 91. Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's
 92. Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was
      wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?
 93. Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us
 94. You smell wet.  Let's Party.
 95. Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you have cum in your hair.
 96. Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick.
 97. Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
 98. Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your `pud' and say:
      Hey charlie, see anyone here you recognize?
 99. I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of interesting...
      Let's meet sometime...
100. I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty
      good.
101. No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?
102. Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have
      a weak heart.
103. Hello, Susie. Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon, she asked me
      to pick you up and take you home. My, what a pretty dress.
104. Excuse me, do you live around here often?
105. Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a
      cab home together?
106. What's your sign?
107. You have the ass of a great artist.
108. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
109. Let's take a shower together --you smell.
110. I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade
111. If I was Elvis, would you screw me?
112. Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?!  I
      thought you knew...
113. Cold out isn't it?  (staring at breasts)
114. "Hey... somebody farted.  Let's get out of here."
115. "What was that?"  "That sound."  "It was the sound of my heart
      breaking."
116. I need your help.  I must expel some seminal fluid.  May I use your
      body?
117. Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her
      clothes.
118. Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly colour coordinated.
119. Do you like jewels? Well suck my cock, it's a GEM.
120. Do you sleep on your front? Do you mind if I do?
121. Do you want to go halves on a bastard?
122. Have you ever played leap frog naked ??
123. I'll bet you 10 bucks I could get all your cloths off in 30 seconds
124. I'd like to rearrange the alphabet and put u and i together
125. Since we shouldn't waste this day and age what you say we use these
      condoms in my pocket before they expire
126. Would you like to see me naked ??
127. I lost my phone number can i borrow yours ??
128. I was sitting here holding this cigarrete and I realized I'd rather
     be holding you
129. If your parents hadn't met I'd be very a very unhappy man right now
130. Anything drugs can do I can do with my tongue
140. Either way, I'm going to have you tonight, so you may as well be there.
141. Wanna go halves in a baby ?
142. Do you like chicken?  Suck this it's foul!
143. Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job?  No!
      D'ya wanna do lunch!
144. Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation?
      No! D'ya wanna go upstairs and talk!
145. Holding out two fingers say, "why should women masturbate with these
      two fingers?"  When they say, "I don't know", you say, "Coz they're
      mine sweetheart".
146. I feel like Richard Gere, I'm standing next to you, the Pretty
      Woman.
147. "Sit on my face and let me get to 'nose' you better?"
148.  The chick that usually sucks my dick has a shirt just like yours!
149.  You know, the woman I'd forget about for you is blonde, too!
150.  Do you eat pork ?
151.  "Hey, little girl, how 'bout a quick game of hide the weasal?"
152.  I'm sorry i'm an artist and it's my job to stare at beautiful
      women.
153.  Do you like beef? Well suck this, it's dripping.
154.  Mmm. You like to chew gum? Cop ahold a'this - it's WRIGGLY.
155.  You live around here often?
156.  Excuse me, can I borrow your bra?

675 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A guy wakes up and says to himself, "God, I feel good today!".
He looks in the mirror and says "God, I look bad today.".
He gets in a cab and the cabbie asks him how he feels.  He says he
feels really good.  The cabbie says, "I'm glad to hear that, but
frankly, you don't look so good."
He stops at a newsstand, and roughly the same conversation ensues.
He gets to work.  His secretary says "Wow, you don't look so good
today."

Finally after this goes on all day, he decides to go to a doctor.
He explains the problem, so the doctor gets out a gigantic book which
documents all possible medical problems.  He mumbles as he reads it...
Hmmm looks good, feels bad...no....looks bad feels bad...no....
Aha, says the doc, here it is!  Feels good, looks bad.  MY GOD,
YOU'RE A VAGINA!

676 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man went into the hospital for an operation.  The surgical
procedure was successful, and he would be in the hospital for
the next 6 weeks recovering.  The nurse came in and asked him
what he would like for dinner, the man said "anything, so long
as I get some stewed tomatoes with it"  The nurse lookes at
him and said "Im sorry sir, but that would be just too much
for your system at this time...

This discussion about dinner went on for several nights...

About 4 weeks after his surgery, the man is told it would
be better for him to get up and walk around, to increase
his strength...

So he did...

He was walking down a corridor in the hospital, and happen to
glance in the window of one of the rooms...  The sign on the door
read "For Disposal"  as he looked a little closer, to his utter
shock, the room was lined with shelves that were full of jarred
stewed tomatoes!  Well, not being one to look a gift horse in the
mouth, he barged into the empty room, began ripping off the lids
to the jars, and swallowing the contents as fast as possible, in
his feeding frenzy, he didn't even take the time to savor the
taste of his favorite meal...

About 4 jars later, an orderly came in, saw him, and ran out of the
room retching...  A few minutes later, a Nirse came into the room,
looked at the man eating the 'tomatoes' and fled out of the room,
her face had gone a faint shade of green...

A few more minutes later, an aged Doctor walks in and says...
"MY GOD MAN!  WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

The man, between slurps, as he swallowed more jars of the tomatoes
said, "I couldn't help myself Doc, I saw all these jars of Stewed
Tomatoes, and couldn't help myself..."

The doctor replied  "MY GOD MAN!  THOSE AREN'T STEWED TOMATOES!
THOSE ARE LAST MONTHS ABORTIONS!"

677 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I have a short penis, is there a device out there to help me?"
"Yes.  It's called a Porsche."

678 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A guy in a small restaurant jumps up and yells "God Damnit!,
There's a hair in this soup!!".  He proceeds to make a big scene, and
then he starts to leave.  "You still have to pay for your meal!", yells
the waitress.  "Fuck you", he says, going out the door.
    The restaurant manager rushes in and finds out what happened,
so he chases the customer.  The guy is nowhere in sight, and the only
place he could have gone so quickly is the whorehouse next door.  The
restaurant manager barges in and finds the guy.  All he can see is the
back of the guy's head and the two legs wrapped around it.
    "Jesus Christ!, you refuse to pay for soup because there's
one little hair in it and here you are eating pussy two minutes later!"
    "Yeah, well if I find one little noodle in here, I'm not
paying for this either."

679 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy goes to see this hooker who is said to have the world's biggest
pussy.  He starts fucking her but she's WAY too big and he's getting
no satisfaction, so he slides his whole body inside her and tries
to get off, but he falls in.  He's groping around in the dark and he
lights his lighter and starts walking around.  After a while he
drops the lighter by accident and starts crawling around looking for
it.  He bumps into another guy.  "Hey" he says, "You're lost in
here too, eh?  Listen, if we can find my lighter, we can walk out
of here."  "Hell," says the other guy, "If we find my car we can
*drive* out of here!"

680 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A lady goes into a hardware store and asks for a hinge. The man at the
counter gets one for her and asks "Do you want a screw for that hinge?".
The lady says "No, but I'll blow ya for that toaster over there!".


681 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young man is on a date with a young woman and they go parking.
After some heavy petting the young man asks the young woman for oral
sex. "No", says the young woman, "you won't respect me."  So the
young man is content to wait.

After they had been dating a few months, the young man again asks the
young woman for oral sex.  Again she replies, "No, you won't respect me."

Eventually the two get married and the husband asks his bride
"Honey, please, we're married now.  You know I love you and respect
you.  Can we please have oral sex?". "No", she says "I just know
that if I do that you won't respect me."  So the man waits.

and waits...

and waits....

After 20 years of marriage the man says, "Honey, we've been together
20 wonderful years now.  We've raised three beautiful kids.  You
KNOW that I love you and respect you completely.  How about oral sex,
just once????  Please??????" and the wife finally gives in to her
husband's wish and peforms oral sex on him.  After she is done they
are lying in bed relaxing and the telephone rings.  The husband turns
to his wife and says, "Answer that you cocksucker."

682 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was this couple on The Newlywed Game and the man was asked where
was the wierdest place they ever made "whoopie".  And with confidence,
the woman responds, "Got to be in the butt, Bob."

683 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Tommy walks into his primary school classroom one morning
 to be confronted by his teacher....

Miss:  Ahh, Good Morning Tommy, and where were you yesterday?

Tommy: I'm sorry Miss, but my Grandad got burnt.

Miss:  He wasn't too badly hurt was he?

Tommy: Oh aye Miss, they don't fuck around at these crematoriums you know.

684 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do most sheep die of in NZ.
A: Broken necks from the farmers trying to turn theri heads to kiss them
   while they are F***ing them....

685 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man went to a petrol station to refuel his car, and when he went into the
shop he found the attendant behind the counter tied up, naked and gagged.
Removing the gag, the man asked the attendant what had happened.
"I was robbed.  Another bloke came in, stripped me down, tied me up and fucked
me up the arse.  It's not my lucky day."
"No, it isn't, is it?" said the man, undoing his belt.....

686 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man went to a wildlife reserve planning to do some hunting, especially for
grizzly bears.  He drove into the park, ignoring the several dozen signs of
"Do not shoot the bears" posted all over the place.  He drove about all day
and looked out for tracks and so on and so forth, but to no avail.  Not a bear
to be seen.  He was just about to head for home when he saw the biggest bear
he had ever seen in his life.  "Right," he thought, "I'll blow this one away!"
So, he gets out his rifle, loads it, and shoots the bear.  It falls to the
ground, dust flies up all over the place and when the hunter goes to look at
his victim it has gone!
He looks about, and is startled by someone tapping him on the shoulder.  It
was the bear, looking very pissed off indeed.  "Can't you read the signs?" the
bear said.  "For doing that, you must be punished.  Drop 'em!"
The bear rips the bloke's trousers off him and gives him one up the arse.  The
hunter is left ten minutes later with a sore backside and a little
bow-legged.  That night in the pub with a friend of his, he tells his story.
His friend advises him not to put up with that sort of thing.  "Go back
tomorrow, with a bazooka and take real good care of that Martha Farquhar!"
The hunter does so.  He's back in the reserve the next day with a bazooka and
once again, at dusk, he spots the bear.  Aims... fires....
Dust.  No bear.  Shit.
Tap on the shoulder.  Fuck.
"I thought I taught you a lesson yesterday," the bear said, very very VERY
pissed off this time.  "OK, here we go..."
The hunter is once again the victim of reverse buggery.  The bear gives it to
him so hard his arse felt like it was going to cave in.  His teeth rattled and
when the bear shot its load he almost felt it rise in his throat.
When the hunter went back to the pub (ice packs down his trousers and walking
very crookedly) his friend couldn't believe what had happened.  "Take a whole
bloody tank next time!" quoth the friend.  And the hunter was determined to do
unto the bear with five tons of rocketfire what the bear had done unto him.
The tank rolled into the reserve next day, and once again the hunter found the
bear that night.  The tank fired, there was an awful lot of dust and smoke and
foliage blown around this time.  The hunter got out of the tank and almost had
a coronary when the bear... was... missing....
Tap on the shoulder, the hunter spun around and this time the bear was looking
at him quite puzzled.  "You're not here just for the hunting, are you?"

688 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Australian bush ranger bursted into a pub with a huge croc. on his hands.
Every one were staring at him. He struggled and tied the croc to a heavy table.
While every one were watching curiously, he pulled his dick out and wave it in
front of the croc. The beast lunged for it, but he always pulled it back in
time.  While every one were whistling, laughing, booing and drinking their
beer, he said "Any one wants to try?" All the men shook their head "No!!!!"
Suddenly, a old female voice came from a corner of the bar "Weeell, I wouldn't
mind having a go but I don't want to be tied back like the croc.!"

689 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Crocodile walks into a bar, and takes a seat. The barman says to him "Hey,
what's wrong?"
The crocodile replies "Nothing, I'm fine."
To which the barman says "Well why the long face?"
687 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What sound does a frog make?
A: RIB-BIT
Q: What sound does a castrated frog make?
A: BOBBITT!

690 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A sergeant in the Scottish army goes into a drug store and
inquires about the price and maintenance cost of condoms.  He finds
that a new condom will cost one dollar, and the cost to repair one
is about half as much.  After a long discussion about how many
times each can be used, he leaves, saying he will return in a week.
    One week later he comes back, and he says to the druggist:

"The regiment has decided to replace!"

691 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy from the city wanted to go bear hunting
(probably to satisfy a "back to basics" primordial
need to blow the crap out of something dangerous
and skin it ...).

So he goes to the local sports store, buys a HUGE
gun, a box of ammunition, all the redneck
"I'm a Nasty Hunter" type gear (you know, stainless
steel ginsu attitude adjusting knife,
rubber stamp of a headless
bear, 35mm colour film with "arterial red" enhancement etc.)
and heads into the wilderness.

Now it isn't long until he comes across a Huge old Bear
fishing in a river. He slowly and carefully takes aim and
(closing his eyes) fires.

When the smoke had cleared all he could see was a smoldering
hole in the ground and no bear. So he stood up and before he
could turn around a large paw comes down on his shoulder.

The Bear turned him around and gazed into his eyes.

Finally he rumbled...

"Were you shootin' at me boy"

"Ummm, I guess so!" stammered the Hunter.

"Well,"Rumbled the bear, onimously sharpening his
already razor sharp claws "For that I should slash you
open, scoop up your guts as they pour out, tear off
your head and force the bloodied tubes down your throat..."

<#include "sound of a hunter fouling himself">

"... but 'cause you're new, I'll let you go if you'll
 get down on your knees and make an old bear very happy!"

Well the hunter doesn't really like the idea of giving a
bear a <censored> job, but it preferable to being killed in a rather
graphic way so he gets down on his knees and does as he's bid.

The Bear sighs and,with a satisfied grin, wanders off.

After trying to get the taste out the hunter, by now a little
miffed, picks up his gun and looks for a new target. After
all, he has primordial urges to fulfil and a now savaged ego.



From aus.jokes Thu May 12 08:40:44 1994
Path: werple.apana.org.au!yarrina.connect.com.au!harbinger.cc.monash.edu.au!merlin!mel.dit.csiro.au!etrog.se.citri.EDU.AU!jaguar.catt.citri.edu.au!jck
~From: [e-mail] (Justin Kibell)
~Newsgroups: aus.jokes
~Subject: Dirty Jokes II - [5 of 5]
~Date: 4 May 1994 00:34:37 GMT
Organization: CATT Centre at CITRI
~Lines: 669
~Sender: jck@jaguar (Justin Kibell)
Distribution: world
Message-ID: <2q6qit$[e-mail]>
NNTP-Posting-Host: jaguar.catt.citri.edu.au

After a while, he comes across the same Huge Bear , this time
asleep against a rock, and decides to casually blow his head off.

The hunter takes careful aim, steadying against a tree, and fires.

After the smoke had cleared he could make out the shape of a mound
of blackened gravel, but again, not even a tuft of bear fur.

He stands up and before he can turn around a large paw comes
down on his shoulder.

The Bear turned him around and again gazed into his eyes.

Finally he rumbled....

"Were you shootin' at me again boy"

"Ummm, I guess.... err maybe " stammered the Hunter.

"Well,"Rumbled the bear, onimously sharpening his
already clinically sharp claws "For that I should rip your
knees out, tear your genitals off, stuff them up your
nose, tear you in half and thrust your still beating
heart up your rear, and don't get me wrong I'll do it...."

<#include water trickling down hunters leg sound effect>

".... but, well, you really a pathetic excuse for a hunter,
so I'll give you a choice. I can either rip you slowly to
pieces, or you can drop those strides, bend over that log,
and make an old bear very happy."

The hunter umms and ahhhs until the bear playfully tears the
side out of a tree with a negligent swipe, and drops his
trousers, bends over the log and ..... well the rest I'll
leave to your imagination.

Afterwards the bear wanders off in search of a cigarette.

When the hunter can finally stand and walk, almost normally,
the fear wore off and the determined hunter reloaded with
hollow-points, put a grenade launcher under the barrel,
and set off in search of the bear.

Not much time passed until he again comes across the same
HUGE Bear, scratching his back against a tree.

This time he makes sure the gun is steady, primes the
grenade launcher, turns on the laser sighting (little
red spot appears in the centre of the bears chest).
slowly breathes out and fires .....

after the twenty-third magazine, sixth box of grenades and
several rather noisy minutes the firing stopped and
the smoke cleared (not surprisingly it took significantly
longer this time than before). There were
lots of dead, smoking trees, shattered rocks, burning shrubs,
holes everywhere but, no bear remains... not that the
hunter was seriously expecting any this time but it would
have been comforting none the less:-)

he stands up and before he can turn around a familiar
large paw comes down on his shoulder.

The Bear turned him around, gazed into his eyes, sighed
and shook his head.

Finally he rumbled....

"You ain't up here for the hunting are you boy ...."

692 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call 10 prostitutes lying on top of each other?
A: A block of flaps!!

Q: What do you call 10 lesbians in a bottle shop?
A: Licker Land.

693 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to
grandma's, when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree.

"Ah-ha!" the wolf cried, "Now I've got you, I'm going to eat you!"

"Dammit!" cried a distressed Red Riding Hood, "Eat, eat, eat. Doesn't anyone
FUCK anymore?"

694 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Remember - Death is the experience of a lifetime

695 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down (and possibly use more lubricant)

Q: How do you know if your girlfriend has got her period ?
A: You wear the dolmio grin (strictly Australian joke)

696 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A Navy man, a Marine, and an Air Force man were driving together through
the countryside, and had a flat tire.  They soon discovered that the spare
was unusable, so they walked to the nearby farmhouse to ask for help.
    The farmer was very helpful.  He got out his tractor and pulled the
car into the yard.  It was late, though, and the farmer suggested that the
men stay over, and he would drive into town in the morning and have both
tires fixed.
    And, since nothing was too good for the boys in uniform, he said
they might sleep with his daughters.  On cue, out came his three lovely
girls:  Janet, 21; Jessica, 18; and Jennifer, 14.  "Take your pick, boys,"
the farmer said, then went off to his own bed.
    The three men looked at each other, none wanting to be the first.
Finally, the Airman, walked to Janet, offered his arm, and escorted her
to bed.
    Then, the Marine walked over to Jessica, took her hand, and went off
to bed with her.
    The Sailor picked up Jennifer, threw her over his shoulder, and
carried her to her room.
    In the morning, the farmer was up before the sun.  He milked the cows
and slopped the hogs and watched the sun rise.  Then he went inside and
made coffee and breakfast.
    He was reading the paper when the Airman came in.  Boy, did he look sharp!
His hair was combed and his uniform was pressed neatly.  His shoes gleamed.
He greeted the farmer, took a cup of coffee, helped himself to some bran
flakes and sat down to read the business section.
    Janet, the 21-year-old daughter, came sweeping in.  She was bright-eyed
and cheerful.  The farmer asked her how it went.  "Oh, wonderful!  We made love once.  He left fifty dollars for me."
    Just then the Marine came in, and boy!  did he look sharp!  His creases
were razor-sharp and his buttons were all polished.  His shave was so close
it was impossible to see he even had a beard.  His ribbons were arranged in
perfect rows.  He greeted the farmer, helped himself to some orange juice
and froot-loops and sat down to read the comics.
   Jessica, the 18-year-old daughter came in.  She was bright eyed and
cheerful.  The farmer asked her how it went.  "Oh, wonderful!  We
had sex three times.  He left twenty dollars for me."
    Just then, the sailor came in and boy!  did he look like shit!  He
could hardly keep his eyes open.  His uniform was wrinkled, his shoes were
scuffed.  His hair was a wreck, and he needed a shave.  His neckerchief was
missing.  He staggered to the fridge, took out a beer, and collapsed on the
couch.
    Jennifer, the 14-year-old daughter came in.  She was blurry-eyed and
disheveled.  The farmer asked it how it went.  "He fucked me eight times!"
she exclaimed.
    "What about money?"  asked the farmer.
    "Oh, yeah.  I loaned him thirty bucks 'til payday."

697 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A gentleman shows up to take his date out, only to realise he forgot to
tell her that he rides a bike. Since she was inadequately clothed he gave
her his leather jacket to keep warm.

After going a short distance she asks him to pull over where where
promptly puts the jacket on back the front to prevent the icy air blowing
in through the gaps in the button up front.

As they pass through a set of lights they are cleaned up by a stolen car...

When he regains consciousness he finds himself in the back of an
ambulance on hte way to hospital so asks about his date :

"I'm sorry sir but by the time we were able to get her head around the
right way, she was dead..."

Very poorly told and very sad but it sounded good at the time but
doesn't sound (look) half as good on paper (screen.)

698 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

  A radio announcer is talking on the air and says, "All right, people.
The first caller
through that can give me a sentence using the word "contagious" will get
$100!"  Very
shortly the phone lights up and he picks it up.

 "All right, sir, can you give me a sentence using the word "contagious"?"

  "Well.  I'm sittin' here on ma porch rockin' back and forth, back and
forth, back and
forth.  An' I'm reachin' for a beer and I'm drinkin' ma beer, rockin'
back and forth, back
and forth, back and forth.  An' ma wife's in the yard and she's mowin'
the lawn and she's
goin' back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.  An' I'm reachin'
for another beer.
And I'm drinkin' this other beer and I'm rockin' back and forth, back and
forth, back and
forth, drinkin' ma other beer..."

  "Sir, sir!  Please.  What has this got to do with anything?  You're
supposed to give me a sentence using the word "contagious"."

  "Yep.  I was sittin' here and I was thinkin' that it was goin' to take
that cunt ages to
finish the lawn."

699 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What does a camera and a condom have in common?
A: They both capture that magic moment.

Q: What's stiff and excites women?
A: Elvis Presley.

700 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

- Does the lateral coital position mean having a bit on the side?
- If sex is a pain in the arse then you're doing it wrong.
- Oral sex is a matter of taste.
- Was Dame Edna Everage the last woman to hang?

701 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What does Australia and Fergie have in common?
A: They've both been screwed by their financial advisers.

Q: Why are hospital patients like mushrooms?
A: Because they're all kept in the dark and fed shit.

702 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mike Tyson's sitting in his jail cell rather bored, when his promoter King
comes to see him. King's feeling a little sorry for his star so he says
"Well Mike I know you've been here a while, can I do anything for ya?"
"Yeah" Tyson says "I haven't had the pleasure of a womans company since before
they dumped me in this rathole, what can you do?"
"not a problem" king says.
So the next day King tee's up this pro and Mike goes about his thing. After
the event Mike and the pro are talking and the pro says to him
"do you want the good news or the bad news?"
Mike says "Well stuff the bad news, I've been in here, thats the bad news,
whats the good news?"
The pro replies "Well you've got a bigger penis than magic Johnson"

703 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What did the elephant say when she came upon Tarzan skinny-dipping.
A: You breathe through that thing?

704 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A girl was intrigued at the kilt that a Scottsman was wearing, wondering
what he would be wearing underneath.
  "What's underneath your kilt?", she asked him.
  "Why don't you take a look", he replied.
  Curiosity overcomming her, she lifted the kilt.  "Oh, it's gruesome!",
then let it go.
  <must be pronounced in Scottish tongue> "Well, why don't you take another
look... it just grew-some more..."

705 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok there is this one truck driver.  He graduated from high school and went
straight into the life of driving the big rigs.  He never had time for a
woman, so all of the guys on the C.B. give him shit about not getting any
action...  He gets sick of the other truckers flipping him grief all of the
time about being a virgin, so he takes a day off of work and decides to put
all of the money he has on him towards a good whore...
So, he goes into the whore house and slaps down $500.  The lady at the
counter is all excited and shuttles him upstairs to a nice suite.  He waits
for a while and then a woman enters.  She said "So, what is it that you want
to do?"
He says "I don't really know..."
She says "Around the world, sixty-nine, spank the...."
"Let's do that sixty-nine thing" he said.
So, she gets up on him and they start going at it... The trucker is a real
natural and he is just a munchin away at that box when the old whore starts
to get a little gassy... She lets one rip right in his face.  To her
suprise, he didn't even break his stride... So she goes back to work..  A
few minutes later, she blows another bun shaker.  He keeps a munching away.
Soon, she can't hold it anymore and blasts the biggest nose death ever seen.
The guy stops chowing her box and she turns around...
"How you doing back there?" she asked...
"Oh, hell, I'm doing fine!"  the trucker exclaimed..."I just don't know if
I can handle 66 more of those fuckers though!"

706 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   We were all hanging around the bar one day when a guy in a
shabby-looking coat came in, sat down and ordered a double tequila.  But
when Joe sat the drink down, the guy admitted he didn't have the money.
   Joe had picked the drink up and was pointing toward the door when the
guy said "but I can earn the money."
   "We ain't hiring," Joe said.  "Now hit the road."
   "Then how about a bit of a bet," the man said.  A couple of us leaned
closer.  "What kind of bet," Tony asked.  "And what you got to bet,
anyway?"
   The man pulled up his sleeve and showed off a decent looking
watch...it was metal, at least.  We looked closer.  In the place of a
second hand was a tiny harmonica, circling the dial, floating along as
if by magic.
   "This watch, against all the tequila I can drink."  The man said.
   "So what's the bet."
   "I'll bet you..." and he paused for effect, "I can play the song of
your choice, on the harmonica, with my butt."
   "Hey look, damnit..." Joe began, but Tony cut him off, eyes on the
watch.
   "You'll play any song I say...with your *butt*?  How the hell can you
play the harmonica with your butt?"
   "That's the bet.  If I can't do it, you may have my watch, and I'll
be on my way."  The man held out the watch to Joe, who covered his hand
with a bar rag, took the watch and examined it closely.
   "The Star-Spangled Banner," Tony said.  "We'll make it easy for you."
  "Done," the man said, and pulled a large harmonica out of his
threadbare jacket.
   "I'll need a thing or two to get started," the man said.  "As that,
you must admit, is a fine watch, I feel I deserve a couple of drinks
first, to reach the proper mood.  Also, a bowl of that might help," the
man said, pointing to Joe's sign, "Brooklyn's Best Chili, $2."
   "Set him up, Joe," Tony said.  "This I gotta see."
   "You want that with beans or without," Joe asked.
   "Extra beans," the man said.  I laughed so hard I almost fell off my
stool.
   An hour later, the man sat polishing off his fourth bowl of Joe's
chili, swabbing out the last of it with a crust of bread, as if he
hadn't eaten in weeks.  Joe put a third double tequila before him.
   "Now what," Joe said.
   "Gentlemen, I'm ready," the man said, climbed up on the bar, and
pulled down his pants.  Virgil ran to close the door.  "Put the lock
on," Joe said, resting against the back bar. "Just for a minute.  Just
turn the little knob."
   The man hoisted his tequila and drained it in one gulp.  He pulled
off his boxer shorts, did a couple of squats, turned his back to us,
pulled out his harmonica, placed it against his butt, and with a
tremendous fart, blew a loud chord.
   "Jesus," Virgil said, backing away.  "That stinks."
   "You can't have everything," said the Butt Harp Man.  "Where would
you put it?"
   And holding his harmonica high above his head, the man strained down,
grunted, and took a huge runny shit all over the bar counter.
   "Shit!" Tony yelled, trying to beat Virgil and me to the door.  It
seemed to take forever to open the lock.  By the time my eyes cleared,
we all stood outside, coughing.
   "Shit!" said Joe, this time, "the cash register."  We ran back in,
holding our noses, but the cash drawer was shut.  The Butt Harp Man was
gone...he'd taken his clothes...and the watch, which Joe had left on the
bar...and the bottle of tequila, with him.  We were just in time to hear
the back door slam.
   We ran to the back, coughing.  Joe threw open the door, an yelled
out, "come back here, you son of a bitch!  What kind of asshole are
you!"
   A voice rang out from down the alley..."I'm a goddamn artist, that's
what kind of asshole I am.  But hell, even Pavarotti has to clear his
throat first!"

707 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How much do Irishmen spend on liquor?
A: A staggering amount.

708 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A chick turns up to this fancy dress party completely naked and knocks on
the door.  The guy who answers the door says, "You can't come in here,
you're not in fancy dress."  She says, "Yes I am, I've come as a
carpenter."  So he lets her in and says, "Hey guys, this chick reckons
she's dressed as a carpenter!"
"Prove it!", they all say.
So she puts one leg up on the table and says, "Have you ever seen a box
full of sores like this one?"

709 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day a mom sends her little boy to the store to buy some dog food.
The little boy walks into the store and goes to the counter.  The little
boy says, "Mr. Grocer." The Grocer says, "Ya' Sonny," the little boy says,
"I would like to buy some dog food." The grocer looks over the counter and
says, "Well where is your dog?" The little boy replies, "At home."  The
grocer says, "How can I sell you any dog food if I don't know you have a dog?"
So the little boy goes home.

The next day the mom sends her little boy to the store to buy some cat food.
The little boy walks into the store and goes to the counter.  The little
boy says, "Mr. Grocer." The Grocer says, "Ya' Sonny," the little boy says,
"I would like to buy some cat food."  The grocer looks over the counter
and says, "Well where is your cat?"  The little boy replies, "At home."
The grocer says, "How can I sell you any cat food if I don't know you have
a cat?"
So the little boy goes home.

The next day the little boy walks into the store carrying a white box with
holes in it.  He walks up and pushes the box on to the counter.  The
grocer says, "Whats' ya' got there sonny?"  The little boy says, "Put your
finger in the hole." So the grocer puts his finger in one of the holes.
Then the little boy says, "Now move your finger around." So the grocer
moves his finger around.  The little boy asks him, " What does it feel
like?" The grocer says, "Shit"  The little boy says, "Your right! Now may
I buy some toilet paper?

710 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A guy was explaining how he got some horrible scars on his
head.  Somebody suggested that it looked like someone had wrapped a
golf club around his head.
    "That's exactly what happened!", he said.  At about the same
time, I and an old lady both hit balls off the course into an adjacent
cow pasture.  We both searched for a while, and I finally found my
ball.  This obnoxious old biddy insisted it was her ball, so after a
short discussion, I agreed to help her look for hers.  We looked
everywhere, except where a cow was standing.  Finally, I decided to
see if that cow was standing on the ball.  I looked under each leg,
without any luck.  Then I decided maybe there was a chance that the
ball had bounced under the cows tail, and sure enough, when I looked,
there it was!  So I asked her to come over by the cow, and when she
got there, I lifted the cows tail, pointed and said
    'does that look like yours?'"

711 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why are cyclones/tornadoes usually named after women?
A: Because what starts off as a small blow ends up taking half your house.

Q: What did the lesbian frog say.....
A: Heyyy, we do taste like chicken!!!

712 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

It seems as though two young brothers are readying themselves for bed one
night when one says to the other, "Tomorrow, I think that I am going to grow
up".
"How do you do that?", says the other.
"I have to do something like dad would do.  I think I am going to swear.  I
am going to say 'hell' and then I will be a grown-up."
Responds the second, "Yeah, that sounds like fun.  Me too, except I am going
to say 'you bet your ass' and even throw in that 'fuck' word that dad
sometimes uses!"  Gosh, we will both be grown-ups then!

Next morning at breakfast, mom asks the fist boy what he would like for his
breakfast.  The boy responds with "Hell, I think I'll have some Fruit
Loops".  Mom goes ballistic, beats his ass and sends him to his room.

To the second son, the same question.  He thinks, then responds with "I dont
know but you can bet your ass I dont want any of those fucking Fruit Loops"!

713 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Little Jenny came home from school one day and she ran straight to
the bathroom and started to cry.  Her mother, concerned about her went in
and asked what was wrong.
    "Well," replied Jenny, "we just learned in health class that the baby
comes out where the boy's penis goes in.  Is that true?"
    "Sure honey, but that's nothing to cry about," said her mother.
    Then Jenny replied, "But when I have Jonny's baby, I'm afraid it'll
knock out a few of my teeth!"

714 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you do when you see a spaceman?
A: Park in it man.

Q: How is copper wire made?
A: Two jews fighting over a penny!

715 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

     One night Tommy's mom and dad are putting him to bed.  His mom
leans over to kiss him goodnight and one of her breasts fall out.
Tommy says to his dad, "Daddy what is that?."  His father goes, "That
is one of mommy's balloons and when she dies they inflate and bring
her to heaven."  A couple of weeks later Tommy comes running into the
bedroom yelling for his father."Daddy, Daddy mommy's dying!!"
   "What makes you say that Tommy?"
   "The mailman is blowing up her balloons and she is yelling, 'OH GOD
I'M COMING!'"

716 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The pope and one of his aides were travelling across the atlantic on
plane, and during the flight, the Pope tried to catch up with one of his
crossword puzzles.  Midway through the flight, the Pope leans over to his
aid and whispers: 'what's a 4-letter word that means 'woman' that ends in
-unt?'
His aide thinks for awhile and triumphantly says : 'I have it: it's _Aunt_'.
"oh dear", says the pope, "do you have an eraser?"

717 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Some fool rented a camel to make a trip to an important
customer out in the desert.  There was only one camel available,
and it had one little problem, the guy told him.  Periodically,
this camel would stop and refuse to move until somebody beat it
off.  The fool is desperate, so he decides he will go along with
that.  He sets off into the desert.  Sure as hell, he has to
beat off the camel every day for the first three days.
    On the fourth day, the camel stops again and refuses to
move, so he gets down and prepares to do his duty, but the camel
quickly steps aside.  He tries again.   And again, and again.
Finally in exasperation he walks in front of the camel and says
"For Christ's sake, what do you want now?"
    The camel makes cute little sucking noises......

718 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    This big ole' trucker is driving through Dallas one night and decides
to stop at this bar that a buddy of his had told him about.  He parks his rig
and goes inside.  He walks up to the bartender says in this dumb-hick voice:
    "Big Moe wantsa get fucked."
    The bartender looks at him and tells him it'll cost him 10 bucks. So
Big Moe drops a ten-dollar-bill on the bar.  The bartender tells him to go
across the street to the hotel and knock on room 14--he'll get want he wants
there.
     So Big Moe goes over to the hotel and knocks on door number 14.  This
HUGE James-Earl-Jones-voice barrels from inside, "What the HELL to you want?"
    "Big Moe wantsa get fucked," our friend answers.
    "Well," the voice replies.  "Slip 20 dollars under the door."
    So Big Moe slips the cash under the door.  He's waitin for awhile and
nothin happens.  A few minutes later he decides to knock again.
    The big voice asks again,"What the Hell do you want?!"
    "Big Moe wantsa get fucked," he answers.
    The man on the other side shout through the door,"What? Again!"

719 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There is this nun.  She has an incredible body, and she is taking a bath.
Then she gets a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" she yells

"It's the blind man" he replies

She was thinking, well he cant see me so I really dont need to put
any clothes on.  So she proceeds to answer the door butt-naked.

She opens the door "Yes?"

"Woah!  Nice tits.  Where do you want these blinds"

720 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A white man was walking along and found a lamp.  He rubbed it, genie pops
out and says "You may have three wishes.  But the catch is that whatever
you wish for, I will do double for the minorities."  The white man
thought for a minute and said, "I wish I had a million dollars."  And as
a million dollars appeared in front of him, the genie said, "All the
minorities now have two million dollars."  He thought again and said
"I wish I had a Porsche."  As the car appeared in front of him, the genie
said "All the minorities now have two Porsches."  So the white man thought
and thought and then smiled and said, "O.K., smartass, I want you to
beat me HALF to death."

721 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shortly after round-up, cattle were loaded into cars and shipped to Chicago
for sale.  Each car had an attendant to feed and water the stock.  One of
these cowboys is the subject of this story.....

Following the unloading of the cattle at their destination,  a famished and
tired cowboy headed for a popular restaurant to have dinner.  The only seat
vacant in the crowded establishment was next to a refined, educated and
wealthy looking young lady about 21 years of age.  The cowboy was looking over
his menu when he couldn't help but overhear the woman ordering:

"I'll have breast of virgin fowl, make sure it's virgin, catch it yourself and
garnish it with onions -- young spring onions.  Then I'll have a cup of tea,
not too strong and not too sweet.  And oh yes, waiter, PLEASE open the
windows.  I think I smell a horse --- there must be a cowboy in the room."

The cowboy could hardly believe his ears.  Completely pissed off and not to be
outdone, he placed his order:

"Oh waiter, I think I'll have a duck, a well-fucked duck, and make sure it's a
well-fucked duck.  Fuck it yourself and garnish it with horse shit.  Then
bring me a cup of coffee, strong as Texas mule piss.  Make sure you fart the
foam off.  And oh yes, waiter, knock the walls down.  I smell cunt, there must
be a whore in the house."

722 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How are men like tile?
A: If they're laid right the first time you can walk all over them forever.

Q:  What has six arms, six legs, and two heads?
A:  Nirvana.

Q:  Why did Kurt shoot his head off?
A:  His manager told him that he'd quit doing drugs if he had half a brain.

723 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes ... it's true ladies and gents ... Nixon has put out an album ...
more like a sound track ... here is a little sample.

Beep...Beep...Beep...Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Nixon...Unplugged!!

724 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife have 2 children entering puberty. To avoid having their
children ask questions about sex they decide to come up with a code name
for it. They come up with the name "laundry' so that every time they want
to have sex they would say "How about doing a load of laundry"
One night the man comes home from work and sais "Honey, how about some
laundry tonight?" the wife replies "Not tonight, I have a headache" After a
few days the wife comes in to the bedroom and sais "How about some laundry
tonight?" the husband replies "No thanks, I had a lite load so I did it by
hand."

725 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you ever wonder about the origin of the traditional
little angel on top of a Christmas tree?

Santa has a really bad night.  He gets caught in the jet
stream and is delayed several hours.  Three of the reindeer have
some really bad gas.  Some little bastard kicks him in the shin.
He gets stuck in a chimney.  Some bimbo says she would have fucked
his brains out if he had been on time.  On the way home, an asshole
in a 747 gives him the finger.
    Finally, he gets home.  Because of the delay, his dinner
was first overcooked and then it got cold.  He is drinking a cold
rancid cup of coffee when a little angel says "Santa, we just got
a 100 year supply of trees.  What do you want me to do with them?"

726 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What did the test-tube baby say to the naturally conceived baby??
A: Your Father is nothing but a Wanker......

Q: What goes "Clip....Clop....Clip....Clop"
   "Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!"
   "ClipClopClipClopClipClopClipClop"?
A: An Amish drive-by shooting.

727 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A guy is sitting in a restaurant, with a bowl of raw oysters
in front of him.  Another guy comes in and they chat for a few minutes.
    After a while the second guy asks him if he is going to eat
the oysters.  He thinks about it for a moment and says no, so the
second guy asks if he can have them.  The guy looks a little dubious
but says, "well, OK, go ahead."
    So the second guy gobbles up the oysters and thanks him.
He stares curiously at the second guy for a minute and then he says
"That's really weird, man.  I tried that three times before you came
in here...."

728 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of orange juice for a week?
A: It said concentrate!

729 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A retiring rabbi takes the momento's of his lifes work (a huge jar of
preserved foreskins) into a local leatherworker.  The rabbi is about
80 so it is a very big jar.  He explains to the leatherworker that he
would like something special made out of them.
A week later when he arrives to collect the finnished article, he is
stunned to be handed a small wallet.  "What?" he cries, "that jar was
my lifes work and all you can make is one tiny wallet!!!!"
"Ahhhh," says the leatherworker,"but stroke it and it turns into a
suitcase".

730 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    "Father!  Father!  An old man on crutches walked up to the
holy water a minute ago, and he splashed some on his right leg and
then he threw away his right crutch!  Then he splashed some more on
the other leg and threw away his left crutch!!"
    "My boy, you've witnessed a miracle!  Where is this old man now?"
    "Flat on his back in front of the holy water, Father!"
To get really workable holy water, you have to boil the hell out of it.

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------